Chapter
37
White flowers arranged in a ring lay
upon the dark paneled coffin. The preacher’s words of God’s goodness and
grace, and a plea of forgiveness for his sins...
“Who’s sins Preacher, who’s?” Brian
wondered sadly as he clutched the hand of his fiancé, who squeezed back.
Leighanne handed him another kleenex, the tears just wouldn’t stop
flowing. He turned his tear-stained face to look down the row of fold out
chairs containing his Backstreet brothers and their loved ones. They all
seemed to share the same grief. Poor Howie, he was taking it the hardest of
all... He blamed himself, Nick had used his keychain. Brian wanted to
reach out to him, but found that he couldn’t. No one could reach out to
him, Howie’s eyes just couldn’t see past his personal guilt. Brian shook
his head, he of course had blamed himself. Why hadn’t he stayed? He knew how
tired Howie had been, he was even the one who told him to take a nap. Why didn’t
they all blame him? Loud sobs from the front row shook Brian from his
thoughts. Nick’s family sat there.
Jane and Bob Carter, the ones Nick
wanted to get back at with his... action that took his life, sat stiff and
rigid. Their pale faces and eyes staring straight ahead at the casket in
front of them. They did not sit by each other, but on opposite sides of the
row. Bob and his new fiancé, a young woman of maybe 28, sat beside
him. The children all sat with Jane. They blamed each other. The war for
custody of the remaining Carter children waged on with a newfound ferocity.
Neither one of them wanting to admit to their mistakes, instead they
claimed it was the other’s influence and became obsessed with the idea that it
would poison the other children...
The children... BJ had donned a pair
of dark glasses to hide her red swollen eyes. She sat quietly folding the same
kleenex she had been holding since the funeral in her lap, finding new complex
shapes for it to form. She had nothing to say about what had happened. She
hadn’t even blinked when she had been informed. All miserable people find
their pleasure sooner or later, and Nick had found his... in death. Every now
and again she would put her arm around her younger sister Leslie who sat doubled
over in her lap sobbing quietly. She prayed for Nick’s soul, he had left this
place in an attempt to flee life’s Hell, but ironically he may have just driven
his way right into the real one. Angel, Angel the Barbie Doll, was the
one who wailed and screamed in outrage, her older brother wasn’t dead. Nick
couldn’t die, he was supposed to be there...for her! Her loud sobs filled
the tent. Her twin brother Aaron sat beside her not offering her any form
of comfort. He instead stared angrily at the coffin, at both his parents.
He was alone now, he would never believe how selfish his older brother
had been. How could he?
Brian rose with others, it was a small
private service, only 30 to 40 people in attendance. Forming a rather
thick line that was far from being single file, the attendants trekked from the
large open tent area to the soil where Nick would be buried. It was at
the first break of dirt that Aaron Carter finally broke down and cried.
He had never cried, not even when he had heard what happened. He
had been rather calm, consoling his sisters, calling Angel again... He
never spoke a word about his brother to anyone, but everyone knew that he
had been hurt deeply, and everyone wondered when was he gonna break. Both
Bob and Jane Carter reached out to their youngest son, who dodged their arms
and found his way to Brian. Brian opened his arms and gave Aaron the hug he
wouldn’t accept from him days before. Leighanne stepped aside to let
Kevin, AJ, and Howie through. They stood beside Brian, not making any
moves to comfort Aaron, but yet trying to ease him with their nearby presence.
They all stood in silence watching the grave diggers throw back
shovel after shovel of the precious dirt that would soon be claiming the body
of their loved one. The preacher continued to speak, his words reflecting
off Brian as he concentrated on the parting dirt, on the dark coffin, on the
head of blond hair in his arms. He remembered when Nick had been Aaron’s age...
he remembered holding him when he was homesick, when he was scared... Now
who would hold him? Brian prayed that God would... he prayed that
God would accept and take Nick, even after what he had done. That was one
of the first things Brian had done when he was told... he got down on his knees,
on Nick’s bed, over his lifeless body, and prayed for his redemption.
Kevin watched the tedious work of the
diggers intensely, for if he didn’t watch them, then he would have to look at
the others. That was almost too much for him to bear. He hadn’t been able
to help Nick, he couldn’t save his little brother and he couldn’t help but
think it was his fault. How did he ever let it get this bad? Why hadn’t he
noticed earlier that Nick needed help. He had toured with the boy for a year
and hadn’t noticed a damn thing... Nick had lost 30 pounds on that tour when no
one cared enough to give each other the time of day. Kevin watched the tapes of
the old Millennium tour. He noted the drastic changes in Nick’s
appearance in shock... he had lived right under this kid for months and
couldn’t see that he was hurting... he never noticed the rapid weight lose, the
dark circles under his eyes, the fake smiles.. Yes the fake ones.
The night of Nick’s passing
Kevin had gone crazy digging up every picture, every video he had ever
had, that might show him an image of HIS Nick. The happy smiling Nick with the
endless bundles of energy. The one that drove him crazy and sometimes made him
so angry he could scream. He’d give anything to have Nick annoy him like
crazy, testing out new ways to make him scream. He grinned thinking about
the time Nick had put itching powder in his bunk. He remembered how mad he had
gotten, but the wicked smile on Nick’s face had been priceless... just like his
life had been... because Kevin had all the money anyone could ever wish to have
and he would gladly give it all in exchange for Nick’s life... but his money
just wasn’t enough.
AJ stood trembling, huddling beside
Kevin’s tall frame. He just couldn’t seem to get warm. He wiped at his
cheek again as another tear escaped the confines of his sunglasses. Nick
was dead... Nick, little Nick the video game champion, the one daydreamed
about being in the NBA, the one who had once proclaimed his love for Amanda Williford
to a whole ocean while he, AJ, and Brian were sailing on his boat. That kid,
that carefree blond goofball of a kid, was going in the ground today... cause
he thought his life wasn’t worth living. Who was made to think his life wasn’t
worth living. AJ shook his head, images of Nick laughing and clowning
around, spouting some ridiculous sonnet that made no sense as an explanation
for why he did the crazy things he could do sometimes. Nick, the
water baby, complaining when he was made to leave the pool or the ocean.
Nick, the one notorious for his stupid answers during interviews, the one
who could find something to laugh at in anything. AJ frowned, he sure
couldn’t find anything funny about this though. His eyes darted to the
dark coffin that now contained Nickolas Carter’s shell. The sounds
that had come from him when he realized that Nick was gone and there
was nothing anyone could do about it frightened even him. He never knew he
could cry that hard, or care that much. Nick had been the baby brother none of
them ever had, and they had been the big brothers Nick never had. He
sighed as he thought about that, being an older brother came with certain
responsibilities. AJ supposed he hadn’t always been a good influence. He
chuckled about the time he tried to teach Nick how to smoke when he was 16.
AJ really got it when Howie had come out looking for them and saw what
they were up to. His own mother had never yelled at him in that way.
“What’s so funny AJ?” Kevin’s soft
husky voice tickled in his ears. AJ jumped a bit before turning his head
slightly, “I was just thinking about that time I tried to to teach Nick how to
smoke.”
Kevin stared at AJ incredulously
through red eyes, he smiled lightly, “He was so sick afterward he promised
never to smoke again.”
AJ nodded, “I taught him a valuable
lesson that night.”
“You did,” Kevin said with a nod,
putting his arm around AJ’s trembling shoulders and pulling him closer as AJ
began to cry.
Howie watched AJ break down again on
Kevin and watched Kevin hold him. Howie shook his head and watched
his brothers, the dirt breaking, and most of all the casket. The guilt
was eating at him hungrily. The guilt for Nick’s suicide. He didn’t
know.. How could he know? Everyone had said to him... but Howie knew that if he
hadn’t of been the one to stay, if he had been awake, no one would have to be
here. They would be in Spain somewhere watching a sunrise, staring at the
ocean... NOT STARING AT A COFFIN WITH THE DEAD BODY OF A TWENY-YEAR OLD INSIDE
OF IT! He wanted to throw a tantrum, he wanted to pound the ground, shake
a tree, kick open that casket and let Nick out. Let him sit up and brush the
dirt from his tuxedo... He shut his eyes tight as tears squeezed out of
them. Nick had looked as if he were sleeping...make up had brought out a
small flush in his cheeks and an evenness in his skintone that was almost
inhuman in its beauty. His blond hair was arranged neatly with a few
strands of it falling into his closed eyes... Those gray blue eyes Howie longed
to see again, but a thin thread kept those eyes from opening. A thread
kept those soft pink lips from ever parting to draw a breath again. With
one look at his body, Howie knew he was gone, and he would never have his Nicky
again. No more yelling in the night because Nick was losing his battle
with his Playstation. No more waking up to plastic spiders on his pillow, and
half eaten pieces of candy in his mouth. He bowed his head as his shoulders
shook again with sobs. He felt arms going around his shoulders, he looked
up to see AJ and Kevin both trying to stifle their tears so that they could
console Howie with his. He didn’t want to be here.... he didn’t want
this.
“Oh God,” Aaron’s brown eyes widened
in horror as he realized the diggers had completed their task. They were
now walking to the wooden box that contained his brother... his brother! They
were going to put his brother in the cold ground... Nick wouldn’t like that!
Nick wouldn’t like it at all! It would be dark in the box and even darker
once placed in the ground. He was gonna be so scared, they hadn’t even
given him a light! They couldn’t do this! Aaron broke free of Brian
and began running towards the casket, the diggers were placing it in the crypt
above the grave they had dug. He felt hands trying to grab him but he
ducked past them. He made it to the casket and fought to open it, he would go
too. Nick wouldn’t be alone, Nick didn’t like the dark and certainly wouldn’t
like to be in it alone. Aaron would just have to come too. He
opened the lid just before he felt someone’s arms close around his waist and
begin to lift him away, “NO!” he began to scream. Nick lie on the white
silk looking like a pale blond angel, his blond hair gleaming and his fair skin
taking on an ethereal glow from the reflections of the sunlight off the white
silk. In his hands was a small bouquet of roses. A gold necklace, his
famous gold necklace with the anchor charm, hung around his neck. Aaron’s hands
grabbed for something, anything on the casket, his brother... he couldn’t be
taken away from him. His fingers closed on the necklace and he grimaced as the
delicate chain broke. Aaron was wrenched away from his brother’s casket
holding the anchor and partial chain from the broken necklace. The casket
was closed again, and locked. Aaron cried as he realized the man who had
pulled him away was his father! His father, the cause of all of this! He
punched Bob in the stomach as soon as he put him down and ran away, he ran as
far from the burial site as he could get. He crouched under a tree by a small
headstone and there he stayed until Howie came to get him.
Howie stared after Aaron’s retreat in
pain. He saw Brian try to chase him and stop. He sobbed freely in his fiancée’s
arms. AJ and Kevin were at Brian’s side now. They all watched in silence
as Aaron’s scene played out. Oh Aaron... Howie thought sadly, now he felt
he had to be the man in the family, permanently. Howie blinked back a
tear. Soft gasps were heard from behind as the coffin was now being lowered
into the ground.
Mandy and Brent were the first to step
forward and throw roses on the coffin as it sunk into the earth, followed by
Jane Carter and Nick’s sisters. Then Bob and his fiancé. Last came the
Boys, Nick’s surrogate older brothers. They, instead of roses, threw seashells.
Nick had loved the ocean, and they wanted him to take a little part of it with
him. After the coffin finally stopped its descent the preacher spoke a few more
words and tossed in the final rose. After that the funeral was over, that was
it. Howie watched as people began to file out, like they had just attended the
movies... or a concert! He turned back and watched as the diggers began to
throw dirt on Nick’s coffin, burying the pretty roses that had been so lovingly
thrown on the top. “I hope you’ve found your peace now Nicky,” Howie
whispered. He looked up to see a “V “ of white birds flying overhead and
a sea of storm clouds drifting in from the bay... “Good bye.”
Howie slipped away from the grave only
to run into Brian, Kevin, and AJ, “Wanna sing something to him Howie?” AJ asked
softly.
“Like what?” Howie frowned, “and
please don’t say Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely.”
Brian smiled slightly, “No, lets sing
something he would like.”
“How about our first song guys?” Kevin
said cracking a smile, “Lets see if he remembers this one.”
AJ laughed lightly, “I’m not even sure
I remember it Kev.”
“Lets try anyway,” Brian said. The
Boys stumbled over and went into the chorus of “Tell Me That I’m Dreaming.”
They stopped and sang all together for Nick’s parts. They grinned at what
a pip squeak he used to be, and smiled as they heard his high pitched
voice in their minds. That’s how they wanted to remember Nick, happy,
smiling, young... Back in the good old days when singing and performing
had been fun and the responsibility had been lax.
They got a few applause by some people
leaving the burial that had stopped to listen to the performance. They
smiled and walked together, heading towards the limousine, but Howie broke
away, telling them to wait for him, he’d be back. Howie scouted out the
cemetery finally finding what he was looking for. Aaron sat hugging the
small necklace to his chest, large tears rolling down his face. His suit was a
mess streaked with dirt and grass stains. “Aaron.”
Howie approached him. Aaron looked up
trying to wipe away the tears and succeeding in leaving dirty smudges on his
cheeks.
“It’s time to go.”
Aaron nodded and stood up. He took a
deep breath and sighed, “He doesn’t like the dark Howie... He’s gonna hate it
in there.”
Howie shook his head, “Aaron, Nick’s
not in there. He’s somewhere else, in a better place, where he can watch over
all of us.”
“Leslie said he was going to go to
hell...”
Howie blinked, Leslie had said that,
“No, Aaron. Hell is for bad people, and Nick wasn’t bad, he just made a
mistake... and God will forgive him. He’s ok now, Aaron, and he’s always
gonna be here with you to look after you.”
Aaron rolled his eyes, “I am not a 6
year old Howie! I don’t believe in that shit anymore! I don’t believe in
anything,” Aaron’s eyes were dark and empty, “I gotta go Howie, I gotta family
to take care of now.” Aaron walked away with his shoulders slumped
and his head down, and Howie didn’t try to stop him, he knew he couldn’t...
He looked down at the ground
where Aaron had been sitting and noticed a glint of gold. He bent down to
retrieve it, it was Nick’s anchor necklace... He squeezed its warmth in his
hand and tucked it away in his breast pocket, “Maybe I couldn’t save you Nick,
and I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most... But I can be there
for Aaron and BJ, and Leslie, and Angel. I’ll watch over them Nick, I’ll save
them... It’s what I can do to make it up to you little brother, and don’t
worry, I won’t let you down. Not again, not ever again.”
He raised his face to the sky as the
first crackle of thunder made its roar heard. A trickle of rain touched his
face and he held out his hands to receive a second, “I know you heard me Nick,
and I hope you believe me. Have faith in me.”
His head turned slightly as he caught
a flash of beige and the sight of AJ rushing towards him with an umbrella,
“Geez, come on D, its starting to pour.”
“Yeah....” Howie nodded he ducked
under the umbrella AJ was holding and walked away towards the limousine leaving
the scenery of the cemetery behind. Please have faith in me Nick... Your
family, is my family now, and I’ll stand in your place... Rest well brother, I
hope you have everything you wanted now.
The End
***
