Chapter
4
It had to be one of the longest days of his life. The threat of
having Nick hate him hung over is head like dark clouds threatening to let
loose it’s sad rain. He had recovered from his “illness” from that morning and
agreed to spend the day with Nick. He knew it would hurt because he knew that
he would soon be hearing more of those cruel homophobic jokes. But he had to
spend this day with Nick, because his heart wouldn’t let go of the fact that it
might just his last one.
Brian sighed as the walked through the mall. Nick was always worse
when they went there. But they both were in major need of clothing since some
crazed fan had beat them to the luggage chute and stolen one of their
suitcases. Brian thanked the lord every minute that it hadn’t been the suitcase
that had contained his diary and his darkest secrets.
“Look at that Bri.” Nick pointed to a clothing store. “Big sale!
And it’s designer clothing!”
Brian shook his head and chuckled. Nick was one of the richest 22
year olds and yet he still bargain shopped. It was nice to know he wasn’t
letting that go to his head. Brian had always fancied a man that didn’t let
money rule his life.
With a sudden frown, he shook those thoughts out of his head. He
could never have Nick so he had to stop thinking about loving everything about.
Like how he always had to say good morning to him before he’d sit down to eat.
Or how he gets so nervous before a date that he hides an extra deodorant in the
glove compartment of his car. Even the way he would come home and explain his
entire date to a heart-broken Brian.
Brian sighed. His love for Nick wasn’t about lust. It never had
been. Brian wasn’t “turned on” every time Nick came into a room in nothing but
a towel. It was about love. About knowing that no matter what he does the
person will always love him, about having someone to sit and hold him in front
of a warm fire.
It would never work because Nick would never do any of those
things. So Brian was left heart broken, as his love searched for the perfect
woman.
“Earth to Brian?” Nick snapped his fingers in front of Brian’s
face drawing his attention. “You just suddenly looked so sad. Why don’t we do
some shopping to make you happy.” He grinned like a wild man. “I know it makes
me happy!”
“Sure Nick.” Brian agreed with a tiny smile. “Let’s doing some
shopping.”
Brian followed Nick as he pranced into the shop, eager to make on
steal on clothing. He listlessly looked at some shirts grabbing a couple blue
ones. Pants, he needed pants. When he reached the pants rack, he caught Nick
staring straight ahead with a look of pure disgust on his face.
Brian followed Nick’s gaze to where it rested on two people
holding hands. His eyes sudden widen in awe. It wasn’t just two people, it was
two men.
“That’s just gross.” Nick spat, anger and disgust evident in his
voice. “I mean it’s wrong. If man was suppose to be with man it would have been
that way from the beginning. Not man and woman. God, why can’t those queers
seem to get it through their thick skulls!”
Brian blinked rapidly to fend off the tears forming in his eyes.
He had to tell Nick tonight. He couldn’t stand for one more day of this verbal
gay bashing.
“Hey Bri, you okay?” Nick asked suddenly. “You look like you’re
about to cry. It ain’t that bad you know. They think what they’re doing is
right. They don’t realize it’s against everything in your bible.”
Brian cringed at the words your bible. Nick had always though he
had some unannounced hate for gays because he was a religious man. God, was he
ever farther from the truth.
“N-Nick.” He stuttered before calming himself. “Are you busy
tonight? You wanna come to my room? We can watch movies and call room service.”
Nick smiled brightly. “Yeah sure!” He laughed. “We can watch any
movie with Julia Stiles in it. She’s hot!”
Brian swallowed the lump in his throat. It was set. The date that
would end his friendship to the person that will hate him know. And that’s
going to be the end of his life.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Yes Kevin, I’m going to tell him tonight.” Brian sighed into the
phone. “He’s coming to my room later.”
“Alright.” Kevin answered him. “Call me as soon as he leaves. Let
me know what he said and how he treats you, okay?”
Brian agreed and slowly hung up the phone. No sooner had he done
that, then did Nick knock on the door. Jumping up, he ran to pull the door
open. Nick smiled at him brightly and handed him a video.
“I changed my mind about Julia.” He laughed. “I went for Nicole
Kidman.”
Brian stared at the video box for the movie “Moulin Rouge”. His
eyes weren’t on Nicole though. They rested only on Ewan McGregor’s face.
“Hot, huh?” Nick chuckled.
“Yeah,” Brian murmured. “Real hot.”
Nick raced past Brian and jumped onto the bed nearest the TV.
Brian followed him in and popped the tape in to the VCR. They joked together
while he fast forwarded the tape through the pre-views. Finally the movie cam
eon and the two of them fell silent. The sound besides the movie were Nick’s
announcements of “she’s hot”.
Ewan’s character was serenading Nicole’s when Brian lost it. The
urge to fight the tears, to keep lying. He wanted love and didn’t want to hide
it from anyone. He had to let Nick know and face the rejection so he could move
on with his life. The sobs racked his small frame, and got worse when he felt
Nick slide down into the seat next to him.
“What’s wrong Brian?” He asked worry thick in his voice. “Calm
down. Why are you crying?”
“N-Nick!” He sobbed. “Promise me th-that no matter what I s-say,
you’ll always love me! T-tell me you w-won’t ever leave me a-alone!”
Nick hugged Brian close to him and stroked his hair. If he hadn’t
been so distressed, Brian would have enjoyed the closeness.
“I do love you man.” Nick assured him. “Why did you suddenly bring
that up? You got something to tell me?”
Brian sniffed and nodded. Now came the hard part. It had been hard
to tell the others guys and he wasn’t that afraid of having them hate him. But
he was terrified of having Nick hate him.
“I’m not who you think I am.” He spoke softly. “Nick I’m-I’m-I’m…”
Hr groaned when he couldn’t get out what he wanted to say. His
frustration was evident and Nick patted his arm for support. That’s when Brian
lost it.
“Nick I’m gay!” He shouted in loud voice, before crumpling away
from Nick to cry to himself.
After a few seconds of silence, he looked over to see Nick sitting
there, mouth agape. When he saw Brian looking at him, anger and disgust settled
on his handsome features. He jumped up and pointed an accusing finger at Brian.
“You’re gay?!” He screamed. “And you never told me before. God, I
can’t believe you, you sick fuck! That’s disgusting! And what happened to Gods
rules? You know he hates fags like you! Is that why you pray to him more than
the normal person?”
Brian shrunk back as Nick approached him. He was afraid of what
Nick would do. Then he was surprised to see hurt mix in with the anger and the
fear.
“And you let me get close to you.” He seethed. “You let me touch
you like a brother. Like I was some kinda queer too! In fact I bet you are in
love with me! I bet you like to throw down there on that bed and fuck my brains
out. And you’d enjoy it way to much, you stupid sick fuck!”
Brian’s tears were coursing down his cheeks in hot rivers. He was
afraid this would happen, he knew it would happen. And now he was powerless to
stop it.
“P-please Nick.” He whispered. “I thought you just said you’d be
my friend no matter what. I-I-“
“That was before I found out that you were a fucking queer!” Nick
shouted.
Suddenly he stormed away from Brian and headed towards the door.
Brian jumped up on shaky legs and ran after him. He caught him just outside of
his room.
“Nick!” He cried.
Nick stopped stiffly and turned to look at him coldly.
“What do you want fag?” He asked with no remorse when he saw Brian
flinch.
“Please don’t do this Nick.” Brian chocked on his answer. “Please
don’t do this to me.”
Nick’s eyes darkened as his anger grew to an unhealthy level. He
advanced on Brian quickly and slammed him up against the wall.
“To you?” He hissed. “Brian, answer me one question and answer it
truthfully, are you in love with me?”
Brian swallowed hard. He always had the problem of never being
able to lie to a loved one’s face.
“Yes.” He squeaked.
“YOU SICK LITTLE GAY FUCK!!!” Nick roared. He pushed Brian away
form hard and watched with a sickening pleasure as his head struck the floor
hard.
Brian gasped at the pain that radiated from his head. He chocked
back on a mournful scream as grew silent waiting for Nick’s next attack.
“Stay away from me.” Nick spat, standing over him. “Never come
near me again. If you do I will hurt your gay ass, you hear me fag?”
Brian couldn’t respond, he only began crying harder. Curling up
into a ball he could feel Nick’s presence leave. But it was replaced by
somebody else’s. Two pairs of strong arms picked him up and carried him to his
room and laid him down. He couldn’t hear the frantic questions they were asking
him. He could only hear the song playing in the back. The movie was still on.
And the song brought fresh tears to his eyes.
“Storm clouds may gather, and stars may collide
But I love (I love you)
Until the end of time
Come what may
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Oh , Come what may
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you
I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Come what may
Come what may,
Come what may,
I will love you,
Until my dying day.”
The irony and truth to those words were so cruel, that Brian felt
the urge to cry harder. But his head was pounding from when Nick pushed him,
and his heart ached even more. Curling up in a ball, he ignored the faint
voices of those who pulled him from the hallway and out of his sad little
world.
Life was cruel, and Brian had just lost the urge to live it.
***
