{"id":254,"date":"2013-07-21T22:41:01","date_gmt":"2013-07-21T22:41:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/?page_id=254"},"modified":"2013-07-21T22:51:59","modified_gmt":"2013-07-21T22:51:59","slug":"chapter-55","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/story\/chapter-55\/","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 55"},"content":{"rendered":"

Chapter 55<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n

I\u2019m not supposed to be a failure anymore.<\/i><\/p>\n

And that\u2019s the thing, I wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 I got the hang of handling a gun pretty quick.\u00a0 Kevin typically asked me in those first couple weeks to help clear out the place.\u00a0 It became a pattern, me, Rye Bread, AJ, Brian\u2026 we were the ones typically asked to guard or do sniper duty.\u00a0 The others got asked too, but one of us always came along.\u00a0 I was starting to get used to that, that feeling of success.\u00a0 It\u2019s good, ya know?\u00a0 Even in a zombie-infested world, where the main goal is killing\u2026 (Or is it re-killing?\u00a0 Guess it\u2019s re-killing)\u2026 and staying alive.<\/i><\/p>\n

After a life of failure, it felt good.\u00a0 That\u2019s all I\u2019m saying.<\/i><\/p>\n

And then of course, something effs that up.<\/i><\/p>\n

It\u2019s typical and makes it hard to be the optimistic, cheery Nick I want to be.\u00a0 I like him; I was happy being him since the dead rose.\u00a0 Everyone else liked him too, my new family.\u00a0 They looked to him when they needed a break from our hell of a reality.\u00a0 That Nick doesn\u2019t fail.\u00a0 That Nick isn\u2019t a problem the way I am now.\u00a0 They won\u2019t say it (well, actually, Howie does), but I know.\u00a0 It\u2019s in the way they act.\u00a0 They way they talk when they think I can\u2019t hear.\u00a0 The way Kevin never asks me to help clear out the base anymore.<\/i><\/p>\n

It\u2019s like I\u2019m suddenly back to the old Nick, the angry, bitter, failure Nick.<\/i><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to be him anymore.<\/i><\/p>\n

Cheery Nick has everything.\u00a0 He\u2019s got hope, he has dreams again.\u00a0 He has faith that somehow we\u2019ll still be okay.\u00a0 He has a surrogate family who relies on him, who depends on him.<\/i><\/p>\n

Cheery Nick\u2026 has Riley.<\/i><\/p>\n

While I\u2026 I have nothing.<\/i><\/p>\n

Oh, almost forgot the song quote of the entry, here it is:<\/i>\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cI’m not in love cause I’m a mess\u2026<\/em>
\n Like refugees<\/em>
\n We’re lost like refugees<\/em>
\n Like refugees<\/em>
\n We’re lost like refugees<\/em>
\n The brutality of reality<\/em>
\n Is the freedom that keeps me from<\/em><\/p>\n

Dreaming, I was only dreaming<\/em>
\n Of another place and time<\/em>
\n Where my family’s from<\/em><\/p>\n

Singing, I can hear them singing<\/em>
\n When the rain had washed away all these scattered dreams\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

– Green Day, \u201cBefore the Lobotomy\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Monday, May 7, 2012<\/b>
\nWeek Three<\/i><\/p>\n

Nick was pacing, back and forth, in the Sunday school room.\u00a0 He was getting really sick of seeing nothing but the rooms of the church, rather quickly, within the last week.<\/p>\n

After the seizure he\u2019d had, he felt like everyone was treating him differently, acting differently, and making him feel like he was nothing more than a piece of china that had to be protected.\u00a0 They were beginning to get sick of each other, honestly.\u00a0 There was too much time together, in one room, with no space of their own.\u00a0 Except Nick \u2013 they felt he needed more rest than anybody.\u00a0 AJ, who\u2019d been wanting an escape, had volunteered to share the room with him, just in case any undead surprised them again.\u00a0 So not only was he not being asked to help hunt zombies anymore, he was being watched by the best shooter in the group, after Kevin.<\/p>\n

His frustration had been bubbling just under the surface the past few days, and he was constantly fighting to keep himself in check.\u00a0 Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair.\u00a0 He was getting bored again.\u00a0 Even Riley, he felt, was beginning to avoid him.\u00a0 While she had always liked wiping out zombies, she\u2019d never volunteered, the way AJ always did.\u00a0 The past week, she\u2019d tried to go out on a run every chance she had.\u00a0 This was what she was doing at the moment.\u00a0 She was on sniper duty on the roof, to give AJ a break, so he could get some sleep for the night shift of guard duty.<\/p>\n

Finally, Nick headed down the hall, debating going into the kitchen or the multipurpose room.\u00a0 Not that it mattered.\u00a0 It wouldn\u2019t make him feel better either way, no matter which room he chose.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Nick, whatcha up to?\u201d\u00a0 It was Gabby who asked this, Spunky in tow behind her.\u00a0 Next to Nick, he figured Gabby was his faithful dog\u2019s favorite person.\u00a0 It made him smile, because when he\u2019d hear her cry out from nightmares during the night, he was sure she needed that.\u00a0 Spunky seemed to make her laugh and smile and actually be her age for a few moments.\u00a0 Most of the time, these days, she struck him as such an old soul, trapped in a preteen\u2019s body.\u00a0 He guessed it had to be everything she\u2019d seen.\u00a0 That had aged them all.<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing.\u00a0 That\u2019s the problem.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI totally understand.\u00a0 I\u2019m getting bored, too.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nick nodded absentmindedly, as he started walking down the hall again.\u00a0 Normally, he\u2019d be singing or cracking jokes or doing something to break the boredom between going out on runs.\u00a0 He\u2019d come up with some random game or idea to get them all talking and passing the time.\u00a0 That would be the Nick before the seizure, the one who wasn\u2019t fragile china.<\/p>\n

He shook his head at himself.\u00a0 What was he doing?<\/p>\n

The door burst open, and in came Riley, chatting with Brian as she did.\u00a0 Shotguns were slung over their shoulders as they walked.\u00a0 \u201cI can see why AJ likes it up there.\u00a0 You get some time to think to yourself as you take \u2018em out.\u00a0 Too bad we can\u2019t have Nick doing it with me, \u2018cause\u2026\u201d\u00a0 She trailed off, as he came into her vision.<\/p>\n

Nick was almost seething, hearing confirmation of his own worries from the one person he never wanted to hear it from.\u00a0 \u201c\u2019Cause of what, y\u2019all are afraid I\u2019ll just collapse and start going crazy?\u00a0 \u2018Cause that\u2019s me, crazy Nick, nothing but a liability, good for nothing.\u00a0 Too bad he\u2019s useless now, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

Two sets of emotions collided when he caught her instant reaction, the surprised sting before it was covered up by the angry expression on her face. One was of immature satisfaction, stemming from the frustration that still burned there, and the other was regret at attacking her.\u00a0 Both were battling to be stronger at the moment.\u00a0 Out of the corner of his eye, as he stared at the ground, he caught sight of her hands.\u00a0 They were twisting again nervously as she bit her lip, considering her response before speaking.<\/p>\n

\u201cNick, that\u2019s not what I was going to say.\u201d\u00a0 The voice was calm, collected, or at least attempting to be.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, this isn\u2019t like you\u2026\u201d Brian started.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, let\u2019s not upset Nick.\u00a0 He may have another seizure from it and be a danger to us all.\u00a0 Right?\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that right?\u201d<\/p>\n

Riley stepped forward, placing her hand on his gently.\u00a0 \u201cDon\u2019t do this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t do what?\u00a0 Be honest?\u00a0 It\u2019s good someone here tries it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNow you\u2019re just acting stupid, Nick.\u201d<\/p>\n

He pulled it away; they were attracting attention, he knew.\u00a0 Good.\u00a0 Too bad Kevin and Howie were out on a zombie sweep.\u00a0 Howie, of all people.\u00a0 That\u2019s how he knew he\u2019d sunk to a new low.\u00a0 Kevin was picking Howie instead of him now.\u00a0 \u201cYeah, that\u2019s me, stupid, crazy Nick.\u00a0 Come on, I see how y\u2019all are treating me now.\u00a0 I\u2019m being coddled.\u00a0 And you\u2026\u201d\u00a0 Their eyes met; the hurt written in hers hit him hard.\u00a0 \u201cYou\u2019re just as bad.\u00a0 You\u2019re trying to avoid me now, after what happened.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not what I\u2019m doing.\u00a0 I\u2019m doing more sweeps and sniping because-\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t feel like hearing it, alright?\u00a0 I already know.\u00a0 You don\u2019t gotta say how useless I am.\u00a0 I just wanted you guys to know that I know what you\u2019re doing.\u00a0 I can\u2019t stop you, but don\u2019t expect me to be grateful that you\u2019re babying the hell out of me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nick stalked off, furious with himself for that stupid outburst he immediately regretted, irritated at the entire situation. He\u2019d said what he felt, but at the same time, wished he hadn\u2019t.\u00a0 The last thing he needed was more reason for everyone to act so cautious around him. Nick sighed; he didn\u2019t feel like dealing with it anymore.\u00a0 He retreated to one of the empty offices.\u00a0 On the way, he brushed past Kayleigh, who was yet again sulking on the floor.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey!\u201d she cried, as he almost stepped on her, not giving her another look.\u00a0 He kept on his path.\u00a0 A simple glimpse back told him Jo and Gabby were still watching him in shock at his behavior.<\/p>\n

\u201cNick!\u00a0 Stop!\u201d\u00a0 He heard Riley\u2019s footsteps hurrying after him.\u00a0 He slammed the door behind him, ignoring her.<\/p>\n

The office was simple, a desk, some books on the shelf, and, for now, a convenient hideaway.\u00a0 Locking the door, he slid down it, feeling the cool wood upon his back.\u00a0 Kicking the nearby chair as hard as he could, he growled with annoyance.<\/p>\n

Once again, he was good for nothing but messing things up.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

After about two hours of exploring the contents of the office and flipping through various books on the shelves, Nick was done isolating himself inside there.\u00a0 No matter how irritated he was.\u00a0 He stepped out, looking down the hall both ways before continuing.\u00a0 He wasn\u2019t up for being asked how he was.\u00a0 That question got a bit old after being asked five times a day, no matter how many times he said he felt fine.\u00a0 He was lost in thought \u2013or mental rants, to be more specific \u2013 and not paying attention to what was around him.<\/p>\n

\u201cStill stewing huh?\u201d\u00a0 He jumped at AJ\u2019s voice.\u00a0 There the other man stood, leaning against the wall casually as he took a drag off a cigarette.\u00a0 Nick smirked; that would infuriate the others, seeing him smoke inside like that.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou gonna treat me all special, too, now?\u00a0 And I thought you were sleeping for sniper duty tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCouldn\u2019t sleep after your hullabaloo in the hall.\u00a0 And hell no, I ain\u2019t gonna baby you.\u00a0 Everyone\u2019s overreacting.\u00a0 I keep telling Kevin that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nick blinked, staring at AJ.\u00a0 \u201cWait, what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI told you.\u00a0 Everyone\u2019s overreacting when it comes to you.\u00a0 You\u2019re fine now.\u00a0 We ain\u2019t gonna know when or if you\u2019ll have another seizure; no use going all protective about it.\u00a0 Hell, we can\u2019t afford it.\u201d\u00a0 He smirked then.\u00a0 \u201cHaving Howie go instead of you ain\u2019t smart.\u00a0 He panics too much.\u00a0 I\u2019d rather have you with me with the off-chance of you collapsing, than him with me freaking out and running away every time.\u00a0 It is what it is.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, man.\u201d<\/p>\n

AJ took a long drag before dropping the butt of his cigarette on the ground, snuffing it out idly with the toe of his shoe.\u00a0 He stretched a bit, the sound of his bones popping as he did.\u00a0 \u201cFor what?\u00a0 The truth?\u00a0 Nothing to be thanked for; it just means you can handle yourself.\u00a0 Something he and Kayleigh both need to learn.\u00a0 He made me laugh when he said you\u2019d be a liability.\u00a0 That was ballsy, he of all people trying to say that.\u00a0 He had no room to talk.\u00a0 Not to mention, he\u2019s the type that used to make me sick before.\u00a0 He feels he\u2019s better than everyone here.\u00a0 Your seizure just gave him another reason to gloat.\u00a0 You should\u2019ve seen him with me the last time, fucking hell.\u00a0 Don\u2019t let it get to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, well, it ain\u2019t easy when Kevin won\u2019t let me do anything, Jo keeps checking on me, and R-\u201d\u00a0 He stopped then, not knowing what to say.\u00a0 Nick knew why he was so angry, but he wasn\u2019t sure how to say it point blank.<\/p>\n

\u201cYour girl keeps volunteering for extra shifts.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nick raised a brow.\u00a0 \u201cMy girl?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNick, the only ones who haven\u2019t noticed the way you two act around each other are blind.\u00a0 That’d be Kayleigh and Howie, who want to live in the past and avoid reality.\u00a0 You dig her, and she probably digs you.\u00a0 You know why she\u2019s been volunteering this past week, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

He rolled his eyes.\u00a0 \u201cCause she\u2019s too freaked out to be around me.\u00a0 And there\u2019s nothing going on between us man.\u00a0 Nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFor now, but whatever you say.\u00a0 And it\u2019s ’cause she doesn\u2019t want anyone complaining about picking up your slack ’cause Kevin won\u2019t let you help.\u00a0 So she\u2019s covering you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, well\u2026 wait, how do you know that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI asked her, and, holy hell, she answered.\u00a0 Amazing what communication can do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRight\u2026 how the-\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s aight, I notice shit no one else does.\u00a0 I\u2019m gonna try and sleep again.\u00a0 No screaming fits till nighttime, aight?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAgreed.\u201d<\/p>\n

AJ patted him on the shoulder, as he headed back to the room they shared.\u00a0 Nick sighed, thinking what AJ said over.\u00a0 AJ did have a knack for seeing and getting right to the truth of things.\u00a0 Maybe he had overreacted.\u00a0 His current feeling of house arrest had been keeping him on edge.\u00a0 So maybe he had taken it out on the first person he’d come across.\u00a0 Yeah, he was definitely channeling his old self.\u00a0 How long would it take him to shove that side back into the past where it belonged, with his family, his mother, and all the baggage that followed?<\/p>\n

Rolling his eyes at himself, he walked along the halls, hoping to come upon Riley or even Brian, since he owed him an apology, as well.\u00a0 He hated apologizing; he was never any good at it.\u00a0 Normally he\u2019d crack a joke and skim past it as much as he could.<\/p>\n

Somehow, he knew the others weren\u2019t going to let him pull that.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, Gretchen, I need a favor,\u201d he heard as he walked up the hall, causing him to pause just before passing the kitchen.\u00a0 Nick knew who the voice belonged to.\u00a0 He peered in, taking into view both Riley and Gretchen alone in the room.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s up?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was talking to Kevin earlier today, about the idea of taking one of the offices.\u00a0 He was okay about it, understood about some of us feeling too cramped, but he wants at least two per room, just for precautions.\u00a0 I mean, this is going to sound mean, but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Gretchen chuckled, turning from the mini fridge, as she placed a jug of fruit punch back into the fridge.\u00a0 \u201cKayleigh’s driving you crazy, huh?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026 A bit.\u00a0 And I\u2019m working on not fighting and being snarky.\u00a0 But damn, she makes it difficult.\u00a0 I swear that girl\u2026 Anyways, I was going to ask AJ if maybe he\u2019d swap out with me\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh?\u00a0 Room with Nick?\u00a0 How come?\u201d<\/p>\n

Riley shifted, looking past Gretchen rather than right at her.\u00a0 She twirled the straw in the cup she was holding, her hands suddenly needed something to do.\u00a0 \u201cWell, I feel\u2026 comfortable with him.\u00a0 I mean, we did have to stay together till we made it here, talking and getting to know each other you know?\u00a0 And we\u2019ve become really\u2026\u201d\u00a0 A pause.\u00a0 \u201c\u2026really good friends.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat makes sense.\u00a0 I feel most comfortable with Brian, as he was the one I traveled with.\u00a0 I suppose it\u2019s the same.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, but I changed my mind.\u00a0 Awkward and all.\u00a0 And I don\u2019t think Nick\u2019d want me rooming with him anyway right now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause of-\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, that\u2019s why.\u201d\u00a0 She half-grinned at Gretchen and set her cup down.\u00a0 \u201cAnyways, after that, you came to mind next.\u00a0 You wanna be my roomie?\u201d<\/p>\n

Rather than walk in and interrupt the conversation, Nick started walking again, peeking in the room one last time as he did.\u00a0 That was his own fault, he knew.\u00a0 And so he used it as the excuse he needed to find Brian and apologize first, instead.<\/p>\n

He headed into the multipurpose room, where Kevin was talking with the others about what to do next.\u00a0 Nick sighed – whatever it was, it likely wouldn\u2019t include him.\u00a0 Kayleigh was sitting in one of the corners, as always.\u00a0 Howie was standing with Brian and Kevin, his chest puffed out pompously as they conversed.<\/p>\n

He felt himself rolling his eyes, but smiling when Spunky ran over to him, licking his hand energetically, sensing he needed it.\u00a0 He knelt down, patting her had, hugging the dog close.\u00a0 She always did know when Nick needed the closest a dog could give to a hug.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo given recent events\u2026\u201d Kevin announced, while Riley and Gretchen walked into the room.\u00a0 \u201cWe should try and get medical supplies.\u00a0 I\u2019m amazed we didn\u2019t think of it before\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cKevin, of all people, I should\u2019ve been on top of it first.\u00a0 It\u2019s alright; we haven\u2019t needed it until now,\u201d Jo interjected, sending the military men a warm smile.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t I go?\u201d Nick heard himself saying.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m part of the reason; Jo said there is the off-chance of finding medicine for my\u2026\u201d\u00a0 He couldn\u2019t finish the sentence.\u00a0 He had no idea if it was going to be a condition he\u2019d forever have to deal with, and he refused to admit it was a problem.\u00a0 \u201cBut I should help, earn my meds.\u201d\u00a0 Nick forced a smile, knowing the answer before Kevin even spoke.e wenhE<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s a good idea, Kev.\u00a0 Nick\u2019ll be fine,\u201d AJ agreed, as he stepped in, rubbing his eyes tiredly.\u00a0 \u201cThe fact that we\u2019re keeping him in here isn\u2019t the best anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n

Brian turned towards AJ.\u00a0 \u201cBut what if he\u2019s not?\u00a0 I know he could be, but I was there when it happened.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want a death on our hands because Nick wanted to help too much.\u201d<\/p>\n

Riley raised a brow.\u00a0 \u201cBut there could be death with or without a condition.\u00a0 It\u2019s not like a long life is guaranteed now.\u00a0 He\u2019s been fine this past week.\u00a0 He\u2019s good.\u00a0 We shouldn\u2019t be sending people who can\u2019t\u2026\u201d\u00a0 She shot a quick glance at Howie before she stopped and shook her head.\u00a0 \u201cI mean, we shouldn\u2019t stop him from doing sweeps with us over that.\u00a0 He\u2019s one of our better shooters.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThis is exactly what I was telling you, Kevin,\u201d the former addict reminded him.<\/p>\n

Nick suddenly felt like the world\u2019s biggest asshole when it hit him he had probably yelled at Riley for defending him.\u00a0 Too bad he’d cut her off before he could find out either way.\u00a0 His mind was about to run through possible ways to apologize like no tomorrow, but Kevin\u2019s voice interjected amongst the debate.\u00a0 He looked torn between both sides, and for once within the past week, Nick felt hopeful.<\/p>\n

\u201cI have to think about all eventualities, AJ, Riley, Nick.\u00a0 I agree with Brian, Jo, and Howie on this one.\u00a0 We can\u2019t risk several lives by letting you help, Nick.\u00a0 That\u2019s all it is.\u00a0 That\u2019s my final say on it for now.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nick rolled his eyes, watching everyone go silent.\u00a0 The leader had spoken.\u00a0 \u201cFuck it.\u00a0 Treat me like a kid then.\u201d Nick walked out, back to the only place he could escape to, his and AJ\u2019s room.\u00a0 Once again, he was nothing more than a problem.<\/p>\n

The church had never felt so suffocating.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Chapter 55 I\u2019m not supposed to be a failure anymore. And that\u2019s the thing, I wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 I got the hang of handling a gun pretty quick.\u00a0 Kevin typically asked me in those first couple weeks to help clear out the … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"parent":8,"menu_order":55,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"onecolumn-page.php","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/254"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=254"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/254\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":269,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/254\/revisions\/269"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/8"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=254"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}