{"id":302,"date":"2013-07-22T13:09:45","date_gmt":"2013-07-22T13:09:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/?page_id=302"},"modified":"2013-07-22T13:21:30","modified_gmt":"2013-07-22T13:21:30","slug":"chapter-77","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/story\/chapter-77\/","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 77"},"content":{"rendered":"

Chapter 77<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n

I fucking hate this.<\/i><\/p>\n

You remember a few months before, back when Nick\u2019s seizures were the problem of the moment?\u00a0 I thought he was being a pussy when he was ranting about feeling useless cause of that.\u00a0 I felt that there was no place to bitch, since it was a damn fluke we were even alive to begin with.\u00a0 I remember telling him he needed to suck it up and just deal with it until the others realized they were overreacting.<\/i><\/p>\n

Now, I\u2019m a fucking gimp due to my fucked up leg\u2026 and I\u2019m wishing the blonde shithead was back so I can tell him I get it.\u00a0 I get why he was so damn jaded.\u00a0 Why I\u2019m so fucking jaded right now.<\/i><\/p>\n

My leg is hurting like a bitch.\u00a0 The pain meds don\u2019t do shit but fuck with my head, so I\u2019m not taking them.\u00a0 So I deal with the pain, constantly. <\/i><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t do anything<\/span>.\u00a0 I can\u2019t help.\u00a0 I can\u2019t keep everyone safe.\u00a0 That\u2019s what I did.\u00a0 And now I can\u2019t.\u00a0 I\u2019m a worse liability than Howie.\u00a0 I went from knowing my place, back to being a fucking waste.\u00a0 Out on the edge of our little \u201csociety\u201d all over again.<\/i><\/p>\n

Do you know how that feels?<\/i><\/p>\n

You know what that does to me?<\/i><\/p>\n

I fucking hate this.<\/i><\/p>\n

I fucking hate myself.<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Monday, October 8, 2012<\/b><\/i>
\nWeek Twenty-Five<\/i><\/p>\n

AJ sat there, staring up at the ceiling of the place he now thought of as home.\u00a0 All he could hear was the steady ticking from the wall clock nearby –\u00a0one that Kayleigh had picked out for the place before she had died.\u00a0 It seemed to slow down the day, cause it to drag on even more so than it already had been.<\/p>\n

He could turn on the TV to put in a DVD, but he felt like he\u2019d watched every movie he could get his hands on.\u00a0 Besides, it was a waste of the precious electricity the generators provided, as Jo was quick to remind him.\u00a0 Howie was more understanding; he had spent a lot of time lying around in hospital beds as a kid and knew how boring it could be.<\/p>\n

AJ could read a book, but that sort of thing didn\u2019t give him contentment anymore, the way it once had.\u00a0 He wanted to paint, had tried to that morning, but he needed to be standing to do so properly. His already throbbing leg begged for mercy anytime he tried to put any weight on it.<\/p>\n

And so he sat there, listening.<\/p>\n

Tick \u2013 I can\u2019t believe how bad I fucked up.<\/i><\/p>\n

Tock \u2013 I\u2019m a useless pain in the ass right now.<\/i><\/p>\n

Tick \u2013 I hate this shit.<\/i><\/p>\n

Tock \u2013 I should be out killing zombies, not sitting here on my ass.<\/i><\/p>\n

Only three days had passed since he\u2019d been hurt, and he was already going stir crazy.<\/p>\n

AJ sighed, shoving the wheelchair he sat in away from the wall.\u00a0 Howie had gone and dug out a wheelchair from the medical building for him, since his leg wasn\u2019t stable enough for crutches.\u00a0 AJ had asked Jo if she thought he\u2019d be alright after a couple weeks. She would nod, say yes, but her eyes never met his own once he had his shades off. That alone told him that she didn\u2019t believe her own words. Gabby was probably the least awkward about it. She came in often, bringing a new board game every time. In fact, she\u2019d been by earlier that day; he\u2019d been the one to drive her off.\u00a0 He felt bad about it, truth be told, but at the same time, he needed to just be away from everyone.<\/p>\n

It felt like a bitter irony that after a lifetime of hating isolation, after so many years of despising how people misunderstood him, he was now craving solitude.\u00a0 AJ had always been a social person, despite his own issues.\u00a0 He loved having people around him and always had.\u00a0 It was his outlook and his old inability to feel as if he connected to others that had kept him from having what he wanted.\u00a0 Everything had changed once the dead rose. Suddenly, his old issues had no longer mattered.\u00a0 He had been given a clean slate, a fresh start.<\/p>\n

It was that freedom to really do as he wished and not have anything drag him down that had caused AJ to finally thrive in the new world.\u00a0 Since the Day of Unholy Resurrection, he\u2019d always been somewhat amused that it had taken basically the apocalypse to make that happen for him.\u00a0 And now he felt like he\u2019d been thrown down right back where he had started.\u00a0 Back at the bottom of the totem pole, back to being on the fringes of a society, even if it was a tiny one, seen as useless, though he knew Howie and Jo would never say it.<\/p>\n

Suddenly, his mind flashed back to his talk with Nick.\u00a0 It felt like a lifetime ago, before he\u2019d left with Kevin and Riley.\u00a0 Back when he\u2019d had the seizure and learned he might have them sporadically for the rest of his life.\u00a0 Everyone had been pussyfooting around Nick then, too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He was smoking in the hallway of the church building, away from the others.\u00a0 AJ knew the moment Kayleigh or Jo spotted him, they\u2019d tear him a new hole in his rear end, but he didn\u2019t really care.\u00a0 He had been craving a cigarette all day, and damn if they\u2019d stop him.\u00a0 He heard a door slam and peered around the corner to see the youngest man in their group, Nick, exit it angrily.\u00a0 Nick glanced around before deciding the coast was clear enough for him to leave without being bothered.<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t fucking believe this.\u00a0 I\u2019m not useless; I can still help.\u00a0 It ain\u2019t a big deal\u2026 and I thought better of her\u2026\u201d he could hear Nick muttering as he walked his way and turned the corner.\u00a0 AJ leaned back <\/i>casually and took a drag off his cigarette<\/i>, acting as if he hadn\u2019t just been watching him. <\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cStill stewing, huh?\u201d\u00a0 he asked.\u00a0 Nick jumped at AJ\u2019s voice.\u00a0 He smirked once he saw the cigarette.\u00a0 It would infuriate the others, him smoking inside like that, but Nick seemed more amused by it.\u00a0 Still, the smirk couldn\u2019t hide the bitter expression written so clearly in his eyes.\u00a0 It dripped from his voice like acid as well.<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cYou gonna treat me all special now, too?\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now, AJ understood exactly why Nick had been so angry and so bitter.\u00a0 It had become incredibly clear and evident to him.\u00a0 The two had a few things in common.\u00a0 Both had been held back by their own failures, by the way others viewed them.\u00a0 This new world, despite all the tragedy and pain that had come with it, had broken those chains around the two men.\u00a0 Yet little things would come back and remind them that they couldn\u2019t fully escape what they had once been.<\/p>\n

AJ wheeled himself into the kitchen, barely getting through the doorway.\u00a0 Howie had been thoughtful to get this for him, but at the same time, the house hadn\u2019t been designed for anyone disabled.\u00a0 His mobility was just as limited, but in a new way.\u00a0 He wondered where the others were.\u00a0 He wondered if they were even alive.<\/p>\n

Would I be dead now if I\u2019d gone with them like I wanted to?<\/i><\/p>\n

The darker side of him, the one that had never truly left him, said that, yes, he would.\u00a0 It said that the three of them must be dead and gone, or they would be back by now.\u00a0 In the few times the subject came up (which wasn\u2019t often), he could see the others thought so too.\u00a0 None of them said it.\u00a0 They all talked as if they would be back any day now.\u00a0 It was like they believed that if they said Nick, Riley, and Kevin were dead out loud, it would become true.<\/p>\n

AJ wheeled himself to the fridge.\u00a0 He felt like he had signed his own death certificate anyway.\u00a0 How was he going to survive if he needed to be looked after like this?\u00a0 Gabby was good, for a kid, but she couldn\u2019t protect him.\u00a0 Howie trying to do so would likely cause his own death, not only from the undead, but his hemophilia as well.\u00a0 All it would take was one bad accident to kill Howie, and AJ didn\u2019t want to be the cause.\u00a0 When he\u2019d learned that his friend had carried him the entire way back to the truck in a run, he\u2019d been shocked, impressed, and angry.\u00a0 Such heroics could have gotten Howie killed, and it was pure luck that caused it not to happen.<\/p>\n

Ignoring the fridge, AJ instead opened the door to the cabinet under the sink.\u00a0 He knew Howie didn\u2019t think he knew about this, but he\u2019d seen him a couple times at night when he was up, thanks to his insomnia.\u00a0 One of the habits AJ still hadn\u2019t lost was people-watching.\u00a0 It still fascinated him, simple human behavior.\u00a0 In fact, some of it could have belonged to the original owners, as well.\u00a0 One thing they hadn\u2019t done was sweep the house of alcohol when they moved in.\u00a0 Simple enough reasons for that \u2013 AJ had already been sober for awhile, so it hadn\u2019t crossed anyone\u2019s minds.<\/p>\n

He leaned down, reaching further into the depths of the cabinet.\u00a0 When he straightened up again, breathing hard, he held in his hands a rather large bottle of Grey Goose Vodka, along with two bottles of Jack Daniels.\u00a0 He knew the vodka to belong to his roommate.\u00a0 He peered into the cabinet again.\u00a0 There were more bottles of alcohol further back, if one looked hard enough.\u00a0 AJ made a note to keep that in mind for later.\u00a0 He set the bottles on top of the counter and wheeled himself forward, in search of a glass.\u00a0 His eyes skipped around the kitchen area, only to realize they were all out of reach while he remained in the chair.\u00a0 His leg pulsated with lightning bolts of pain at the mere thought of attempting to stand.<\/p>\n

\u201cDamn it!\u201d AJ swore, knowing he was, for the moment, alone in the house.\u00a0 His uninjured leg thrust forward, kicking the counter.\u00a0 The chair flung backwards, flying back up against the fridge.\u00a0 The force of the collision caused one of the bottles of Jack Daniels to fall right into his awaiting arms.<\/p>\n

I shouldn\u2019t be doing this, <\/i>he told himself silently.\u00a0 His mind was suddenly attempting to think rationally.\u00a0 But why not?\u00a0 It\u2019s not like being sober does me any damn good.\u00a0 And who the fuck cares?\u00a0 Addiction doesn\u2019t exist anymore. <\/i><\/p>\n

The bottle had landed in his hands with no harm done at all.\u00a0 He stared at it longingly.\u00a0 It had been so long since he\u2019d last had a drink.\u00a0 It had been almost six months since he\u2019d gone on a bender, after finding the entire world around him nothing but a mass of fallen corpses.\u00a0 The craving had never stopped.\u00a0 Each day, his throat burned for the intoxicating liquid.\u00a0 It was just that he\u2019d found something else to distract himself from it.\u00a0 But now, now he no longer had that.<\/p>\n

They don\u2019t need you.\u00a0 You\u2019re an outsider.\u00a0 You\u2019re an idiot to think you were anything but that.\u00a0 They won\u2019t want you now that they can\u2019t use you anymore.\u00a0 You thought they were family?\u00a0 Ha!\u00a0 What you have in your hands\u2026 that\u2019s the only family you have in this world. <\/i><\/p>\n

The once-former addict eagerly opened the bottle, like a toddler trying to unwrap a Christmas present.\u00a0 He almost dropped it, trying to do it so quickly.\u00a0 Once open, he took a long swig from the bottle.\u00a0 AJ relished the taste, as the burning fluid slid down his throat.\u00a0 He felt like a man dying of dehydration finally being given water, after an eternity of suffering.\u00a0 AJ couldn\u2019t believe he\u2019d denied himself this for so long.\u00a0 What had he been thinking?\u00a0 What was the point?\u00a0 Especially now, when there was no rehab or such a stigma for loving alcohol as much as he did.\u00a0 The cocaine had been easy for him to ditch.\u00a0 It was this, the simplicity and bliss that alcohol gave him, that he had missed so much.<\/p>\n

He took another long drink, straight from the bottle.\u00a0 A smile formed on his face.\u00a0 If those in his life had walked in right then, they would see that smile wasn\u2019t what it seemed.\u00a0 It was an odd one, looking half bitter and half satisfied on an otherwise unhappy face.<\/p>\n

It didn\u2019t take long for AJ to lose the control he still thought he possessed.\u00a0 With every sip, he became more frantic for more.\u00a0 He wanted the oblivion he knew he could get if he continued.<\/p>\n

AJ wanted to forget everything.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to be reminded of the pathetic waste he was.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to be reminded of why the shallow society of yesterday had disregarded him.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t need to think about how those he cared about were likely rotting on some random roads to the west, after becoming a zombie buffet.\u00a0 Maybe one of the zombies that had eaten them was his own mother.\u00a0 The fact that this was highly unlikely didn\u2019t occur to him.\u00a0 So he continued to drink alone, rambling about things aloud for no one to hear.<\/p>\n

Soon, his wish came true.<\/p>\n

Howie returned only an hour later.\u00a0 He found AJ on the floor, out cold beside his chair and cuddling an empty vodka bottle close to his heart.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

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Chapter 77 I fucking hate this. You remember a few months before, back when Nick\u2019s seizures were the problem of the moment?\u00a0 I thought he was being a pussy when he was ranting about feeling useless cause of that.\u00a0 I … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"parent":8,"menu_order":77,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"onecolumn-page.php","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/302"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=302"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/302\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":316,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/302\/revisions\/316"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/8"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=302"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}