{"id":359,"date":"2013-07-22T15:08:35","date_gmt":"2013-07-22T15:08:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/?page_id=359"},"modified":"2025-04-15T01:05:36","modified_gmt":"2025-04-15T01:05:36","slug":"chapter-102","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/story\/chapter-102\/","title":{"rendered":"Chapter 102"},"content":{"rendered":"

Chapter 102<\/span><\/b><\/p>\n

I hate this.<\/i><\/p>\n

I need to be able to accept and move on, but I can\u2019t.\u00a0 I need to be able to see and deal with things that are never going to change, and be okay with what I see any time I look at a mirror.\u00a0 See my flaws, all the things wrong with me, and face them head on.\u00a0 I mean, that weakness ain\u2019t going to go anywhere.\u00a0 So I\u2019m supposed to be okay with it, smile, and find the good in me despite that.<\/i><\/p>\n

Finding the good, it sounds so simple.<\/i><\/p>\n

You know I\u2019ve always been able to do that for everyone but me?<\/i><\/p>\n

There\u2019s good in my life now.\u00a0 There\u2019s this spark, this reason I wake up in the morning with a smile instead of being how Brian used to be.\u00a0 I\u2019m thankful as hell that I have it too.\u00a0 But I want to protect that, to keep the good in my life safe from harm.\u00a0 I\u2019m not supposed to be weak at all.\u00a0 I can\u2019t afford to be.\u00a0 If I am, I can lose it.\u00a0 I\u2019ve already come close enough times.\u00a0 Once was because of this thing that\u2019s wrong with me.\u00a0 How I can be a protector if I can\u2019t fix it? How can I keep the one thing that makes my life special safe?<\/i><\/p>\n

The idea I may not be able to all the time \u2013 it\u2019s just a really shitty pill to swallow.<\/i><\/p>\n

Song quote of the entry\u2026<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cI remember tears streaming down your face<\/em>
\n When I said, “I’ll never let you go”<\/em>
\n When all those shadows almost killed your light<\/em>
\n I remember you said, “Don’t leave me here alone”<\/em>
\n But all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight<\/em><\/p>\n

Just close your eyes<\/em>
\n The sun is going down<\/em>
\n You’ll be alright<\/em>
\n No one can hurt you now<\/em>
\n Come morning light<\/em>
\n You and I’ll be safe and sound<\/em><\/p>\n

Don’t you dare look out your window darling<\/em>
\n Everything’s on fire<\/em>
\n The war outside our door keeps raging on<\/em>
\n Hold on to this lullaby<\/em>
\n Even when the music’s gone<\/em>
\n Gone\u2026\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2013 I have no idea who sings this. I just heard Brian singing it the other day on this guitar he picked up from a supply run. I liked the sound of it, so I wrote it down.<\/i><\/p>\n

Monday, March 18, 2013<\/b>
\nWeek Forty-Eight<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cNick, are you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n

A sweet face was staring down at him. \u00a0It was a face he\u2019d grown used to staring into.\u00a0 A face that housed blue eyes that shone brightly when she was happy or sparked with flames when she was annoyed, a nose that was a bit too big for her face, and a mouth that tended to smirk more than smile \u2013 but when she did smile, it was crooked and endearing.\u00a0 She was smiling then in an attempt to comfort him, but he could see the worry, concern, written clearly across her furrowed brow.\u00a0 Strands of blonde hair fell into her face from the ponytail in which she had the rest pulled back.\u00a0 There was a streak of dirt smeared across her cheek.<\/p>\n

To him, there was no better sight.<\/p>\n

No, I\u2019m not okay.\u00a0 I keep putting you through this<\/i>.<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah,\u201d he muttered, slowly sitting up once the room stopped spinning.\u00a0 He hated this.\u00a0 One moment he would be talking or doing something, anything, and it seemed like the next moment, he\u2019d be on the floor recovering.\u00a0 It was the first seizure he\u2019d had since their move overseas, but he felt that familiar bitterness all the same.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou sure?\u00a0 You took a hard fall; I wasn\u2019t able to catch you quick enough, and-\u201d<\/p>\n

Nick hated himself for the guilt Riley felt.\u00a0 She shouldn\u2019t have had to feel that way.\u00a0 It was his<\/i> fault.\u00a0 His weakness.\u00a0 How could she try and take responsibility for something like that?\u00a0 His hand reached up and stroked her cheek; maybe he could seek answers from Selena.\u00a0 Jo had been so unsure before, when she had talked to him about his episodes, and maybe something had changed.\u00a0 Selena knew a lot and was studying more about medicine as time went on.\u00a0 Perhaps it wasn\u2019t as bleak as he imagined.\u00a0 If nothing else, she would know what medication he needed, as he hadn\u2019t had any since they came there.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you ever<\/i> blame yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

Riley helped him up silently, seeming a little taken aback by his tone.\u00a0 For a moment, he was unsteady on his feet.\u00a0 She immediately rushed to keep him up.\u00a0 The action, while gentle, immediately irritated him.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t want to be dependent on Riley taking care of him.\u00a0 He wanted to take care of her.\u00a0 <\/i>He wanted to protect her. <\/i>\u00a0He was the man in the relationship; he needed to be the strong one.\u00a0 The idea of her being that was incredibly frustrating.<\/p>\n

\u201cI got it, Rye,\u201d he said, pulling away as he walked over to the wall to look down at the moat below.\u00a0 They had been enjoying some time alone before he had collapsed.\u00a0 Nick was thankful no one else witnessed it.\u00a0 \u201cI don\u2019t need you as a crutch,\u201d he muttered as an afterthought.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s that<\/i> supposed to mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing.\u00a0 Forget it.\u201d\u00a0 Nick turned and started to walk away.\u00a0 The last thing he wanted to do was get into it right then. His temper was flaring, and it wouldn\u2019t lead to anywhere good.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I won\u2019t forget it,\u201d she retorted as she grabbed him by the shoulder and made him face her.\u00a0 \u201cWhat do you mean, \u2018I don\u2019t need you as a crutch\u2019<\/i>?\u00a0 Huh?\u00a0 I can\u2019t take care of you when you need me?\u00a0 Is that what you\u2019re saying?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Rye, that\u2019s exactly what I\u2019m saying!\u00a0 I don\u2019t need you to baby me or coddle me.\u00a0 I can take care of myself.\u00a0 I\u2019m the one supposed to be caring for you, not the other way around!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNice, let\u2019s live back in the 1950s, when women were supposed to be all meek and docile.\u00a0 You want me to be that, Nick, so you can be the big, strong man?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not what I said!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe hell it isn\u2019t!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you actually listen instead of just assuming you know what I mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFunny, you\u2019re telling me I\u2019m the one assuming.\u00a0 Maybe you should stop acting like an ass and actually explain to me what I did that was so wrong!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike you\u2019d listen.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m trying, but you won\u2019t tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t know I had to explain everything to you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m trying to understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJust forget it!\u00a0 Jesus, Riley, this isn\u2019t some damn news story.\u00a0 I\u2019m not some assignment you need to get done.\u00a0 So stop pushing!\u201d<\/p>\n

Riley stared at him, swallowing hard to keep her emotions in check.\u00a0 But he saw through that; he always did.\u00a0 \u201cTalk to me when you decide to act your age.\u201d<\/p>\n

He watched her walk away; each step was another stab to the heart.\u00a0 Nick knew how fiercely independent his girlfriend was.\u00a0 It was her strength that he loved about her.\u00a0 He admired her ability to see the worst and face it head on.\u00a0 She was never able to see the light in things, like he did, so they balanced.\u00a0 The one thing she saw the good in, that he didn\u2019t, was him.\u00a0 How could he explain that although she was strong, all he wanted was to make sure nothing happened to her?\u00a0 That because he felt he was so lucky, he had a duty to safeguard her any way he could?\u00a0 Nick knew she wanted to do the same for him.\u00a0 It was because he felt she already did so much that he hated that she had to.\u00a0 She shouldn\u2019t have to, he knew.\u00a0 He\u2019d seen her at her most vulnerable, knew she wasn\u2019t invincible as she thought she was.\u00a0 But he couldn\u2019t explain that to her.<\/p>\n

He couldn\u2019t tell her that because of how his seizures left her unprotected, he didn\u2019t deserve her.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Nick couldn\u2019t believe what he was hearing.<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t help you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat do you mean, you can\u2019t help me?\u201d\u00a0 He wanted to scream, yell, and shake the cynical woman before him.\u00a0 Selena just stared at him, her dark brown eyes unforgiving and unyielding with the truth.<\/p>\n

\u201cI mean what I said.\u00a0 What this Jo had told you before was the bloody truth.\u00a0 I know hearing this must have you gutted.\u00a0 But from what you\u2019ve told me and what I\u2019ve looked up since, it\u2019s permanent.\u00a0 I\u2019ll get you the pills you need, Nick, but once they expire, you won\u2019t be able to do anything but cope.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get mad at me; just accept it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo just like that.\u00a0 I can collapse at any time, and there ain\u2019t shit I can do about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nick kicked the wall angrily.\u00a0 He wanted to go kill zombies, rage, do something destructive.\u00a0 But right then, there was nothing he could do.\u00a0 \u201cFUCK!\u201d he screamed without caring who heard him.\u00a0 Selena just stared at him.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t act like a prat.\u00a0 It\u2019s not your fault, and you\u2019re not some Nancy boy because of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

The words weren\u2019t even remotely comforting, and he wasn\u2019t upset when he noticed she had left.\u00a0 She reminded him of AJ in a lot of ways.\u00a0 But at least AJ seemed to actually care about other people.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t think he could say the same for Selena.\u00a0 True, she had looked into it for him when he\u2019d approached her hours ago.\u00a0 But her words had been harsh, cold.\u00a0 Nick knew his condition had essentially saved him when the Osiris Virus spread around the world.\u00a0 But that fact wasn\u2019t comforting when he knew it could just as easily get him killed now.\u00a0 That it could get Riley or one of the others killed.<\/p>\n

Nick sighed and slumped down to the ground, his back up against the cool, hard stone.\u00a0 Not many came up to the northeast tower unless they were sniping.\u00a0 Maybe there was a decent chance of him being left alone for a bit.\u00a0 He thought of Spunky for the first time in months and wished she was still around.\u00a0 He could use the loyal companionship she brought right then.\u00a0 He didn\u2019t know where he could find another dog, but the thought of getting another was a nice one.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou okay, Nick?\u201d<\/p>\n

It was a question that had been asked that morning by someone different.\u00a0 It was a question he was rather sick of.\u00a0 He stared up at Howie, who wasn\u2019t one for trying to take care of others, but he could see the concern there.\u00a0 He patted the ground next to him.\u00a0 Nick figured he must be looking really bad if Howie, of all people, had decided to comfort him.\u00a0 Howie sat down, while Nick stared up at the stars just beginning to appear, as dusk descended upon them.<\/p>\n

\u201cI heard you yelling before.\u201d<\/p>\n

Nick resolutely kept his line of vision aimed upwards.\u00a0 \u201cDid you hear\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat Selena told you?\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I was looking for her for AJ, but when I heard you two, I hung back.\u00a0 Then I decided you might need someone to talk to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy would I need to talk, Howie?\u00a0 It won\u2019t change anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

Howie reached over and patted his shoulder, getting Nick\u2019s eyes to meet his.\u00a0 \u201cBecause I understand.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTell me how then.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou really don\u2019t see how I do?\u00a0 My hemophilia always limited me because I was scared to live.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t want to die, and I always knew how easy it was.\u00a0 I kept people out you know.\u00a0 I let my brains intimidate people, built myself up to compensate for how my body failed me.\u00a0 When April fifteenth hit, I was scared.\u00a0 I knew I couldn\u2019t do that anymore.\u00a0 I know that any day, something could happen, and I\u2019d die easily.\u00a0 I almost did, remember?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah, but\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut what, Nick?\u00a0 Those seizures of yours can get you killed someday.\u00a0 You know that.\u00a0 I know that.\u00a0 If it\u2019s at the wrong time, one of those things can eat you while you\u2019re convulsing away.\u00a0 You hate yourself for it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause if that happens, I can\u2019t\u2026\u201d\u00a0 He shook his head.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t keep Riley safe.\u00a0 Is that what you were going to say?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can.\u00a0 You do everything you can to.\u00a0 And you have to let her do the same for you.\u00a0 If you do, then you can keep her safe because she\u2019ll be there if something happens.\u00a0 Then you won\u2019t die, and you can keep protecting her.\u201d\u00a0 Howie chuckled, almost sounding bitter.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019m jealous, Nick.\u00a0 You should\u2019ve seen me and my wife before we divorced.\u00a0 It was a marriage of convenience, something to build me up more.\u00a0 The only good thing that came out of it was Barty\u2026\u201d\u00a0 He trailed off there wistfully and then shook his head before continuing.\u00a0 \u201cBut I understand, more than you think I do, about having a body that betrays you.\u00a0 You just can\u2019t let that make you push people away.\u00a0 It took me a long time to learn that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI just\u2026 I hate this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, but you can\u2019t change it.\u00a0 The best you can do is learn to do the best with what you\u2019re given.\u00a0 You\u2019ve been given a lot, you know.\u201d\u00a0 Howie stood once again, brushed off his clothes, and gave Nick a wink.\u00a0 \u201cThink about it.\u201d<\/p>\n

He sat there for awhile, staring up at the stars and ignoring the moans he could hear being carried to him by the wind that blew by and tousled his hair.\u00a0 Nick wished the world could look as peaceful as the night sky.\u00a0 Maybe then this wouldn\u2019t bother him as much.\u00a0 He sighed.\u00a0 Howie was probably right.\u00a0 No, he was<\/i> right.\u00a0 Nick just didn\u2019t want to admit it to anyone.<\/p>\n

Wrapped in his thoughts, he didn\u2019t hear footsteps approaching him.\u00a0 He nearly jumped out of his skin when he glanced down to see Riley on the floor next to him.\u00a0 She didn\u2019t say anything.\u00a0 She just gazed at him expectantly, waiting for him.\u00a0 Unconsciously, he laid his head on her shoulder.\u00a0 She let him; her hand reached up and began to stroke his hair softly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry about before,\u201d he finally said after a few minutes.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy were you acting that way?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI just hate when I get like that.\u00a0 It means I can\u2019t\u2026 do the things I need to do for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike what?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026Keep you safe.\u00a0 Remember when I had my seizure on the road back to Florida?\u00a0 You could\u2019ve been killed.\u00a0 From what you said, both of us almost were.\u00a0 And it was my fault.\u00a0 If something ever happened to you\u2026\u201d\u00a0 He stared up at her, dead on, his eyes glistening in the moonlight.\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d never forgive myself, Rye.\u00a0 And it could, because of my fucked-up head.\u201d<\/p>\n

She hugged him tightly.\u00a0 \u201cGod you\u2019re such an ass,\u201d Riley told him between laughs.\u00a0 \u201cYou don\u2019t get to just protect me.\u00a0 I\u2019m not some damsel that needs rescuing.\u00a0 We keep each other safe, as a team.\u00a0 I hate that you have seizures, but my job is to help you through them.\u00a0 I wouldn\u2019t change you for anything.\u00a0 If you didn\u2019t have them, that old head injury that caused this\u2026 you wouldn\u2019t even be here,<\/i> Nick.\u00a0 So if that\u2019s the price, I\u2019m okay with it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry I\u2019m this way and-\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShut up.\u00a0 Just shut up.\u201d\u00a0 She kissed him gently, the taste of her lips sweet upon his own.<\/p>\n

The two stayed like that, wrapped within each other\u2019s embrace and enjoying the comfort only the other could bring.\u00a0 Nick sighed happily.\u00a0 Howie was right.<\/p>\n

Nick knew he had<\/i> been given a lot, and he was thankful.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

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Chapter 102 I hate this. I need to be able to accept and move on, but I can\u2019t.\u00a0 I need to be able to see and deal with things that are never going to change, and be okay with what … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"parent":8,"menu_order":102,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"onecolumn-page.php","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"footnotes":""},"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/359"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=359"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/359\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":592,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/359\/revisions\/592"}],"up":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/8"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/dreamers-sanctuary.com\/undead\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=359"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}