Twelve Hours Before Christmas
‘Twas 12 hours before Christmas, and all through HimTak,
All the agents were snoozing; even me, with a snack.
Stockings were hung by the dorms with great care,
Even though K really didn’t want them there.
Now the agents were bustling all through the hall,
While Diamond and Lancy made plans for the mall.
Jay with his fedora, me with my mistletoe hat,
Had just parted ways so I could take a nap…
When down in Pearl’s lab there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the lab, I ran like a flash,
I tripped down some stairs, but avoided a gash…
And there by the table, I saw standing tall,
My boss, Agent K, not like himself at all,
Decked out like St. Nick while a happy tune blared,
I was shocked when he smiled instead of just glared.
With a look on K’s face so enraged and inflamed,
I had a bad feeling it was me who’d be blamed.
He stared us all down, and the crowd quickly scattered,
Though he called a few back, ones he must have thought mattered.
“Come Diamond, come Lancy, come Pearl, come Red Jewel!
I’ve got some big news about crimes most cruel!
Come Jay, Leo, and Emerald, I’ll be needing you too,
And Carter — don’t think I’m done dealing with you.”
As I looked out the window of our private jet,
I couldn’t help wonder if we were there yet.
The last time I flew somewhere cold was due South,
With K’s country cousin and his smart-aleck mouth.
Moving on, anyway, K soon did announce,
That we’d arrived in New York, and it was time to bounce,
We took a few moments to sit down and think,
Of where we might next find that evil eye’s wink.
Then hit me at once, like a ton of fruitcake,
If it’s Christmas he’s after, it’s the toys he’ll take!
So off we all rushed to the biggest toy store,
Little did FANS know they’d be leaving there sore.
My creations — they twinkled! They all looked so merry!
K said my idea was so brilliant, it was scary.
Though it made me quite happy, getting credit where due,
I wasn’t sure if he noticed this was so 1992.
We waited and waited, ‘til seven that night,
No Rough did appear, just two elves in our sight.
One had a narrow face and the other a goatee,
One called the other Jon, the other Danny.
They were dressed like morons — I mean, jolly old elves,
And I tried not to laugh at them, in spite of myself.
My heartbeat grew faster as I watched from above,
As that dumbass Jon reached for the two turtledoves.
Now covered in feathers and buckets of tar,
They must not have realized that they wouldn’t get far,
‘Cause onward they went, all through the shop,
Finding more of my traps at every last stop.
I looked down from above as they walked under my feet,
Now it was time to choose which one to beat.
As we watched while the cops hauled our crooks far away,
I looked up and saw a really strange flying sleigh.
It was black with red trim and a ferret on the side,
And who should it be but Drums steering this ride.
My laughter unleashed as he lowered his flight,
With antlers on his head and his nose all alight!
He frowned and he glared as he shouted to us,
“You won this time, jerks, but you’ll still eat our dus’!
We’ll be back for ya all and ya better beware,
‘cuz when we’re through wit’ you, ya won’t gots a prayer!”
I was pissed that he sped off in such a bright flash,
But K grabbed at my arm as I started to dash.
“It’s not worth it, Carter,” he called out to me,
“It’s already Christmas; let’s go home to our tree.”
Although very surprised at K’s jolly advice,
I had to agree, and for now it sufficed.
I finally relaxed as I lay in my bed,
With visions of Red’s “Christmas gift” in my head,
Until I heard bells and a laugh like a boom,
That caused me to run halfway across my room,
Would you believe when I looked out my window that night,
That I got to see Santa before he drove out of sight?
He gave me a smile and a wave of his hand,
“Try harder this year to be good, my young man,
Right now, though, go to sleep! Celebrate your good plan!
I’m very impressed that you knew such a trick,
But I’m mostly quite grateful! Merry Christmas, dear Nick!”