Synopsis:
It’s been decades in the making, and after a year’s delay, the Backstreet Army is beyond excited to celebrate A Very Backstreet Christmas! But when a thirsty bitch and several spineless companies conspire to thwart their plans, the Boys and their fans must stand together – heart to heart and hand in hand – to keep the Christmas spirit and Backstreet pride alive. Inspired by true events.
Genre: comedy
Starring: group
Status: complete
Published: December 2022
Every fan in the Army liked Backstreet a lot,
But that Bitch, who used to be one of them, did NOT!
That Bitch hated Nick Carter and his Backstreet bros.
Now, please don’t ask why, for no one quite knows.
It could be that she’d been assaulted one night.
It could be, perhaps, that the timing was right.
But I think the most likely reason to mention
May have been her desperate thirst for attention.
But, whatever the reason, her thirst or his dick,
She sat there on Thanksgiving, despising Nick,
Staring down at her screen with a sour, bitchy glare
At the five smiling faces that were pictured there.
For she knew every fan in the Backstreet Army
Was merrily playing their Christmas CD.
“They’re supporting a rapist!” she snarled with a sneer.
“Next week is December! It’s practically here!”
Then she growled, with her bitch fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find a way to keep Backstreet Christmas from coming!”
For, next month, she knew, all the fangirls and boys
Would buy tickets to Jingle Ball and go see their Boys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing she hated. The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the fans, young and old, would log in to Twitter.
And they’d tweet! And they’d tweet!
And they’d TWEET! TWEET! TWEET! TWEET!
They would beg Nick for follows and likes and RTs
Which was something that Bitch couldn’t stand in the least!
And THEN they’d do something she liked least of all!
Every fan in the U.S., the tall and the small,
Would turn on their TVs, with boxes recording,
Put on ABC, where the Boys were performing!
They’d sing! And they’d sing! AND they’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more that Bitch thought of this Backstreet Christmas special,
The more that Bitch thought, “I must get this thing canceled!
“Why, for five years, I’ve tried to take Nick Carter down!
“I MUST stop Backstreet Christmas from coming! But HOW?”
Then she got an idea! An awful idea!
THAT BITCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” that Bitch laughed in her foyer.
And she made a quick call to her minions and lawyer.
And she cackled and crowed, “What a great bitchy trick!”
“With these allegations, I’ll vilify Nick.”
“All I need is an accuser…” That Bitch looked around.
But, since women love Nick, there was none to be found.
Did that stop that Bitch? No! That Bitch simply said,
“If I can’t find a real victim, I’ll make one up instead!”
So she called her friend Shay, who believed what she said,
And she wove a tall tale right into her head.
Then they filed a lawsuit and sent out invites
To a press conference that they held on Facebook live.
Then that Bitch said, “Time’s up!” and the shit hit the fan
As the news dropped the bomb, and the fallout began.
At the top of the chart, Backstreet’s single was there,
And the fans were all singing along without care
When they heard that the show had been pulled off the air.
“This is step number one,” that thirsty Bitch gloated
When ABC canceled the show they’d promoted.
It would not be on Disney+ the next day.
Like Amber with Johnny, she’d gotten her way.
The BSB fans wouldn’t know what to do
When they couldn’t find it to stream on Hulu.
Oh, they’d beg and complain and come to Nick’s defense.
“But, finally, he’s facing a real consequence!”
That Bitch snickered and smirked, her black heart overjoyed
As she watched other companies cancel the Boys.
Tonies! MeUndies! iHeartRadio!
CW and The Kelly Clarkson Show!
They all dropped the Boys from their shows and their ads.
All except Downy, who had the gonads
To let their commercial continue to play
‘Cause middle-aged women would want it that way!
The rest had reacted as quick as a flash,
Tossed Nick and his bandmates right out with the trash.
The fans on the web cried, “Boycott ABC!”
“Ask for a full refund and cancel Disney!”
But the Boys? They stayed silent, ignoring it all,
Prepared to perform at New York’s Jingle Ball.
The night of the show, that Bitch was on Twitter,
Laughing at tweets from the fans who were bitter.
Their messages read, “@iHeartRadio, why?
“Why aren’t you promoting BSB? WHY?”
For iHeart had cut the group out of their stream
And left off their name from the Jingle Ball team.
Dua Lipa! Lizzo! And The Kid LAROI!
Charlie Puth! AJR! But no Backstreet Boys.
“Which performance did you like the most?”
Was the question they asked in next day’s Facebook post.
“Backstreet Boys!” commented one thousand fans,
And no one else bothered to argue with that.
“Bullshit!” hissed that Bitch, who was rolling her eyes.
“I bet none of you went to the concert last night!
“If the Boys performed, they were probably booed
“Off the stage by the people who hashtag #MeToo.
“And the fans who were there must have all cried BOO-HOO!
“That’s a noise,” grinned that Bitch, “that I simply MUST hear!”
So she went to YouTube, her AirPod in her ear,
And she did find some footage of BSB’s set.
The crowd was quite loud, and much louder they’d get.
But their voices weren’t angry! They sounded delighted!
They cheered and screamed ear-splitting screams of excitement!
She stared at her screen. That Bitch narrowed her eyes.
Then she shook her head, stunned by this shocking surprise.
Everyone at the concert, the tall and the small,
Was singing along! With no shame at all!
She HADN’T stopped Backstreet Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And that Bitch, with unquenchable thirst in her throat,
Sat puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?
“It came without promo! It came without press!
“It came without holiday special success!”
And she puzzled three hours, till her puzzler was sore.
Then that Bitch thought of something she hadn’t before:
“Maybe Backstreet Christmas doesn’t come from ABC
“But from five handsome guys singing in harmony.”
And what happened then? Well, we Backstreet fans say
That we made it through another thundery day.
Thirsty bitches and companies may do us wrong,
But here we stand together, and we’re millions strong.
We’re behind our Boys always, one hundred percent,
And as long as there’ll be music, they’ll be coming back again.
Welcome Christmas, bring your cheer,
Cheer to all fans far and near.
Backstreet Christmas will always be,
Just so long as we have BSB. ❤️
