“Are you sure you’re gonna be all right?”
Natalie smiled as she adjusted the crutches under her arms. “I’ll be fine,” she assured me. “Mason’s been a big help already, and we have a long layover in Chicago – plenty of time to get to our gate and make our connection.”
“But you’ll ask for extra help when you get there, right?” I replied anxiously. “Hopefully you can just hop in one of those golf carts and have them drive you to your gate. It could be a long walk otherwise – I mean, O’Hare is a huge airport!”
“Babe.” Laughter shone in Natalie’s eyes as she looked deep into mine. “Flight attendant here, remember? I’m familiar with O’Hare. We’ll be fine,” she insisted. “What about you? Are you gonna be all right?”
I nodded. “I’ve got Nick,” I said, glancing back over my shoulder to where Nick and Lauren were waiting a few feet away with Mason, giving Natalie and me a chance to say a private goodbye before we boarded our plane.
This wasn’t the way I’d thought the day would go when I had originally booked our flights out of Aspen. Dawn should have been the one accompanying Mason back to Lexington while Natalie went with me to L.A., where the Boys and I would be working in the studio until Wednesday. Instead, Natalie was taking Mason home, and I was flying to L.A. with Nick and Lauren. Nick had graciously agreed to spend the next couple of nights at my new place, so I wouldn’t be without a caregiver.
Of course, that was the plan before Natalie fell and sprained her ankle. Thankfully, no bones were broken, but she did have a torn ligament. The doctor had told her to stay off her right foot completely for the next two weeks, making everything even more complicated.
“But look on the bright side, babe – at least I’ve got a good excuse not to go back to work for a few weeks,” she had told me as we’d packed our bags the night before. “Once you get home, we’ll be able to celebrate Valentine’s Day and spend the rest of the month together! That will give Dawn more time to recuperate while I’m on caregiver duty.”
“How are you gonna take care of me on crutches?” I had wondered, trying to imagine her helping me with transfers on one foot. “I should be the one taking care of you.”
“I’ll borrow your boot,” she answered with a shrug. “You still have it, right? The walking cast you wore when you broke your foot?”
“The walking cast I never walked in?” I flashed her a crooked smile, picturing the plastic boot wedged in next to the box of emergency Depends I kept on one of the bottom shelves in the back of my walk-in closet. “Yeah… but it’ll be too big for you.”
“I don’t care. I can make it work, at least temporarily,” she replied with a confidence I didn’t feel. “It’ll be fine! Stop worrying, babe!”
But I couldn’t help worrying. In fact, I had lain awake for hours that night as Natalie slept next to me, wondering how we were going to make it work. Finally, at around one a.m., I reached for my phone and followed Corey’s advice. Swallowing my pride, I went online and placed an order for a Hoyer lift, so that neither Natalie nor Dawn would have to haul my weight around anymore. I may not have wanted one, but I knew it would make life easier for all of us.
“My mom will meet you at the airport and give you a ride back to the house,” I reminded Natalie. “You’ve got her number, right? Just in case?”
She nodded. “Yup. I saved it in my contacts last night.”
“And you know she’d be more than happy to have Mason stay at her house if you change your mind about babysitting him.”
“It’s not really babysitting if it’s my boyfriend’s kid, is it?” said Natalie, wrinkling her brow. “This will be a good way for me to bond with Mason some more.”
“Sure… but don’t let him manipulate you. Bedtime is at eight, and the bus comes at quarter after seven, so he needs to be at the bottom of the driveway by then. And-”
“Babe – we’ve been through all this before. I think I’ve got it. If I have a question, I’ll call you, okay?”
“And if you need anything else, you call my mom. The school has her number, too, in case anything happens with Mason, but I also also emailed his teacher this morning to let her know I’ll be out of town for the next two days and give her your name and number as another emergency contact.”
“Right,” said Natalie, nodding. “I was in the room, remember?”
“Oh, yeah.” Realizing I was coming across as a complete worrywart, I took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh. “Okay… well, I guess that’s it then. Thanks again for doing this. I owe you.”
“Always happy to help,” she replied, leaning in to kiss me goodbye. “I love you. Have a safe flight.”
“Same to you. I’ll text you as soon as we land.”
“And I’ll let you know when we get to Chicago,” she promised. “See you Wednesday!”
“Hey, Kev?” Nick had wandered over with Mason. “They just did the pre-boarding call for people with disabilities. We should probably get on the plane now, don’t you think?”
I nodded, knowing I didn’t have time for a long, drawn-out goodbye with Mason. “C’mere, buddy. Give your old man a hug,” I told him. When he climbed into my lap to hug me, I wrapped my arms tight around him. “Now, you behave for Natalie – and help her out as much as you can. You’re the man of the house while I’m away, so I’m counting on you to be good, take care of my girl, and hold down the fort for me.”
“Okay, Dad,” Mason promised, seeming to take his responsibilities seriously.
When he climbed down from my lap, I had to turn away so he wouldn’t see the tears forming in my eyes. “God, I hate having to leave my family for work,” I muttered to Nick as we made our way over to the gate agent who was scanning boarding passes. “This is so fuckin’ hard. I dunno how Brian and Howie have done it all these years. I feel like the world’s worst father and boyfriend right now, letting my girlfriend fly my son home by herself while she’s hurt.”
“They’ll be fine,” said Nick, fishing his phone out of his back pocket so he could pull up his boarding pass. “I’m sure Natalie understands. She has to travel for work, too.” I knew he was just trying to offer me some reassurance, but his nonchalant tone annoyed me.
“Someday, you’ll have a family of your own, and then you’ll know what it feels like,” I said, shaking my head. “AJ’s already starting to find out now that Ava’s here.”
“Hey, just ‘cause I don’t have a kid doesn’t mean I don’t understand how you feel,” Nick shot back, scowling at me. “You think I like being away from Lauren for weeks at a time? Trust me, bro; I get it.”
It’s not the same thing, I thought but held my tongue, knowing better than to argue with him after he had agreed to give up some of his precious time with Lauren to look after me. Like Natalie, I owed him one.
***
After landing in L.A., Nick and I went straight from the airport to the studio, where the other guys had already started working on another one of the new songs he and Howie had written together.
“It’s called ‘Love Somebody,’” Howie said, setting a lyrics sheet on my lap, “and it’s just a cute, upbeat song about being in love.”
I found it difficult to focus on learning the lyrics at first. My mind kept wandering to Mason and Natalie, wondering if they’d made it onto their connecting flight. Finally, I heard my phone buzz and took it out to find a new text message from Natalie:
Just letting you know we landed safely in Lexington. Love you! 😘
Love you too. Take it easy, I texted her back, imagining her hobbling around my huge house on crutches. I hoped she had enough sense to take the elevator instead of attempting the stairs.
Slipping my phone back into its pouch on the side of my chair, I turned my attention to the sound booth, where Brian was in the process of recording one of his parts.
“You’re the reason why cavemen drew on the wall…” Brian warbled, his voice quivering on the last word like he’d run out of air. “The reason why after every summer we fall. And the way that you look in those skinny jeans… it’s still the sexiest thing that I’ve ever seen…”
Sitting next to me, Nick sighed. “I was really hoping his voice would be better this year,” he muttered under his breath.
“Yeah, well, I was hoping my body would be better this year, too, but guess what? It’s not,” I said with a shrug. “Cut him some slack. He’s doing the best he can.”
But Brian wasn’t doing himself any favors. When he came out of the booth, he said, “Cavemen? Really? Why are we singing about cavemen in a love song?”
Nick bristled. “It’s not about cavemen. What we were trying to say is that true love is timeless – right, Howie?” He looked to his co-writer for back-up.
Howie nodded. “Yeah, something like that. It’s like, love is this universal human experience that has been inspiring people since the dawn of mankind. Cavemen drew pictures on the walls, and we write love songs and stuff like that.”
“That’s pretty powerful, fellas,” I said, impressed. “Personally, I like that lyric.”
“Me too,” said AJ. “Now can you tell us the deeper meaning of the line about skinny jeans?” He grinned.
“Well, see, the symbolism of the skinny jeans is…” Nick started, then smirked and shook his head. “Nah, I’m just playin’ with ya. We actually just wrote that ‘cause Howie likes girls in tight jeans.”
We all laughed at that. “Yeah, about that line,” said Brian. “Does it have to be skinny jeans? I feel like I’m lisping when I try to enunciate ‘those skinny jeans.’ I think it’s the back-to-back S sounds. I don’t like it.”
“Well, what do you think it should be?” Howie wanted to know. “Tight jeans?”
“And the way that you look in those tight jeans,” Brian sang, then shook his head. “No… I think it’s better with two syllables before ‘jeans.’”
“Okay… How about ‘tight blue jeans?’”
“And the way that you look in those tight blue jeans…” Brian made a face. “It still doesn’t sound right. The rhythm works, but the words are wrong. It’s too much of a mouthful for the timing of that line.”
Nick and Howie exchanged glances, clearly growing annoyed with his criticism. “Okay, well, let us know when you come up with the perfect lyrics,” Nick replied testily. “Otherwise, we can just have Howie sing the pre-chorus by himself.”
Brian blinked and recoiled as if Nick had lashed out at him with a whip rather than words alone. “Hey, I’m just trying to help make this song the best it can be,” he snapped back, his voice cracking. “You don’t have to get so defensive about it.”
“If you really wanted to make this song the best it can be, you wouldn’t sing on it at all,” Nick muttered under his breath. But we all heard him – including Brian, whose blue eyes flashed with anger.
“What, you want me to quit the band now?” he asked, his nostrils flaring.
“Fellas,” I said in a warning tone, worried about the direction this argument was going in. It would be only too easy for Brian to walk away from the group, retreat back into his bubble down in Georgia, and live comfortably off of his royalties and investments for the rest of his life. But, despite his vocal condition, none of us wanted him to do that. I didn’t understand why Nick was practically pushing him toward the door.
Nick ignored me. “No, I’m not saying quit the band. But, you know, back when my voice was changing ‘cause of puberty, I didn’t get many parts either,” he pointed out. “And I accepted that – because I knew I didn’t sound good and couldn’t sing them consistently without my voice cracking. I get that you’re used to being one of the lead singers, but you need to accept the fact that you don’t sound as good as you used to – and stop blaming it on bad lyrics.”
“I’m not blaming anything on bad lyrics!” Brian insisted. “I never said your lyrics were bad. I was just trying to make them better.”
“What about purple?” I blurted out. The whole time Nick and Brian had been bickering, I had been racking my brain, trying to come up with a different two-syllable adjective to describe the jeans in the song. When Nick had suggested having Howie sing that section by himself, I’d thought about how we had started adding harmonies to Brian’s solo parts to hide his vocal imperfections, which had helped during our live performances of “It’s Christmas Time Again.” That had led me to remember the first time we’d performed our most recent single for the Disney Parks Christmas Day Parade, at which point my mind had conjured up a picture of Natalie, dressed in her Ariel t-shirt and purple jeans.
The other guys gave me blank looks. “Purple?” AJ repeated, wrinkling his brow. “Purple what?”
“Purple jeans.”
“Nobody wears purple jeans,” Howie scoffed.
“Nat has a pair. She wore ‘em at Disneyland – don’t you remember?” I directed the question at Brian, who had spent that day with us.
He nodded. “I do. She looked pretty dang cute in those purple jeans.”
Taking a deep breath, I sang, “And the way that you look in those purple jeans… It’s still the sexiest thing that I’ve ever seen.”
“That does sound good,” Howie admitted. “Maybe you should sing the harmony there, Kev.”
I shook my head. “Thanks, but I already have a solo in this song; I’m not taking anyone else’s part away,” I said, then turned back to Brian. “So, what do you think, cuz?”
“And the way that you look in those purple jeans…” Brian sang the lyric himself, then gave me a nod of approval. “I like it,” he replied.
“And it’s D’s favorite color,” AJ pointed out.
“Former favorite color,” said Howie, his cheeks darkening. We’d given him plenty of crap for buying a purple Corvette back in the day.
“Oh, c’mon, you still love purple,” Nick teased him. “It’s perfect!”
I was glad to see him smiling again, glad that my suggestion was something we could all agree on.
When Brian went back into the sound booth, it only took him two more takes to nail his part with the new lyrics. Afterward, we worked on the chorus.
“I’m so in love, I could die right now and be fine, I need you tonight. You-you-you know that I…” I could hear the passion in Nick’s voice as he recorded his part. “Whoo-hoo! Love somebody, love somebody…” Even with his eyes closed, the emotion he felt was written clearly across his face.
“I’ve never seen him quite like this before,” I said to Howie as we watched Nick through the window. “Lauren’s the one, isn’t she?”
He nodded. “I think so. She was definitely his source of inspiration when we were writing this song. The bridge about her wearing the jersey of his favorite team…”
“And him yelling at the TV and knocking over his beer?” I chuckled. “I knew Nick had to have written that part.” I could see the two of them in their matching Tampa Bay Buccaneers jerseys, watching the game together the same way Kristin and I used to watch Chiefs game. A hard lump swelled in my throat, but I quickly swallowed it away. I was happy for Nick. After a long string of toxic, failed relationships, he finally seemed to have found the kind of love I’d had with my late wife – and was well on my way to having with my new girlfriend.
When I went into the sound booth to record my part, it was Natalie’s face, not Kristin’s, that I pictured in my mind.
***
“Thanks again for doing this,” I told Nick that night as he helped me get ready for bed. We had stayed at the studio until nearly nine p.m., ordering dinner to be delivered so we could continue working on the new song. By the time we’d made it back to my house, it was almost ten, and I was beyond tired, having barely slept the night before. “I know you’d much rather be home with Lauren right now.”
“It’s all right. I don’t mind,” Nick replied, flashing me a rather forced-looking smile as he finished hooking up my condom catheter. I could tell he was lying through his teeth – not that I could blame him. What guy would want to spend the night taking care of his quadriplegic friend when he could be cuddling with his girlfriend instead?
“I really appreciate it,” I added sincerely as he hung the collection bag from my side of my bed frame. “You know how much I hate having to rely on other people to help me with this stuff. I’m trying to find ways to be more independent, but… so far, it’s been a struggle.”
Every night since Dawn’s diagnosis, I had attempted to undress myself, figuring it would be easier to learn how to take my clothes off than put them on. The top half was no trouble, but I still got stuck on the bottom half. Buttons were tricky to unfasten without finger function, and my lack of control over my triceps and core muscles made it difficult for me to move around in bed and lift myself in order to pull my pants down. I’d had to call for someone – first Natalie and now Nick – to come untangle my legs and take my pants off every time. Corey had promised to work more with me on bed mobility in my upcoming therapy sessions, but I knew there was only so much he could do to compensate for my physical limitations.
“No problem, bro. I’ve been wanting to see your new place anyway.” Peeling off the pair of gloves he’d put on, Nick tossed them into the wastebasket as he went into the bathroom to wash his hands. “Wow… That is one pink bathroom,” he said when he came back, his eyes wide.
“I know,” I said, making a face. “It’s a little much for me, too, but Natalie loves it, so I’m leaving it that way for now.”
Nick laughed. “If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is,” he replied as he pulled the bedcovers up over my body.
I smiled. “It’s love, all right. And you know a lot more about love than I ever gave you credit for, Nick. That song we recorded today really is cute. You and Howie did a good job capturing what real love feels like.”
Nick grinned back, his face glowing with pride. “Thanks, dawg. But it was mostly Howie. He’s a lot better at writing love songs than I am.”
“I don’t believe that,” I said, shaking my head. “Not knocking Howie, but a lot of those lyrics had your name written all over them.”
Nick shrugged. “Yeah, well, Lauren’s a good muse.”
“She’s also a good woman.” I was remembering how Lauren had given up an evening with Nick to escort Natalie to the emergency room in Aspen. “So, when are you gonna marry her?” I asked him with a teasing grin. I didn’t really expect to get a straight answer – no matter how much he loved Lauren, I knew Nick had reservations about getting married, for good reason. Still, his response surprised me.
“Wait here one sec.” He held up his index finger, a coy smile creeping across his face. “I wanna show you something.”
I couldn’t help but laugh as he walked out of the room, leaving me lying in bed with the covers pulled up to my bare shoulders. “Where exactly do you think I’m gonna go?” I called after him.
Nick didn’t answer. A minute or so later, he came back to my bedroom, clutching a small, black jewelry box.
When I realized what was in his hand, I raised my eyebrows at him. “Is that what I think it is?”
He nodded, prying open the box to reveal an impressive, pear-shaped diamond ring.
“Wow, Nick… that is one big-ass rock! It’s beautiful, though,” I said, admiring the way the diamond sparkled in the light of my bedside table lamp as he tipped the box toward me.
“Thanks. I think it looks like a Star Wars battleship.” He flashed a big, boyish grin. “It was originally a pendant, part of a necklace Lauren liked. Lori invited her to go Christmas shopping in Beverly Hills back in November – sort of a reconnaissance trip to get some ideas for me – and, apparently, this particular diamond caught her eye. I had the jeweler put it in a ring instead to create this custom piece. You think she’ll like it?”
I nodded. “I’m sure she’ll love it. When are you gonna give it to her?”
“Still working that part out,” he said with a shrug. “I’ve been carrying the damn thing around in my pocket for like a week already, waiting for the perfect opportunity to propose. I actually thought I might do it in Aspen, but the moment never felt quite right, you know?”
“You and Lauren hardly had any time alone with me and Natalie and Mason around – especially after Nat hurt her ankle.” Now I felt even guiltier for keeping Nick away from his girlfriend – or soon-to-be fiancee.
“Yeah, but that’s okay. It’d probably be better to take her someplace private and pop the question when the two of us are alone. I was thinking, Thursday is Valentine’s Day…”
I cringed. “I dunno if you want my advice or not, but I’m gonna give you a piece anyway: Don’t propose on Valentine’s Day. It’s too cliche. She’ll see it coming a mile away. And if she says no, or you two split up down the road, it’ll ruin that holiday for the rest of your life.”
Nick’s eyes widened. “You think she might say no?”
“Nah. She’ll say yes,” I replied without hesitation. “She’s stuck with you this long, hasn’t she?”
He laughed, looking relieved as he snapped the ring box shut and slipped it into the pocket of his red sweatpants.
“So, what made you finally change your mind about getting married?” I wondered.
“To be honest, I’ve been thinking about it since last spring,” he admitted. “We were overseas for almost two months on the last leg of the NKOTBSB tour – first Europe, then Australia, Indonesia, and the Philippines, with no real time off in between to fly home. It was the longest I’d ever been away from Lauren, and I missed her like crazy. I hadn’t felt that homesick in a long time. That was when I realized I couldn’t live without her.”
As I listened to him talk, I thought about Natalie. Although our relationship had always been a long-distance one, we had never gone more than a month without seeing each other. I could relate to what Nick was saying, though – the four weeks Natalie and I had spent apart after our trip to Jamaica had felt like one of the longest months of my life.
“The last time you asked me when I was gonna propose, I’d pretty much already decided to do it,” Nick added with a grin. “I just hadn’t picked out the ring yet. But then, when you said you would never ask a woman to marry you without getting her parents’ blessing, I realized I’d better talk to Lauren’s dad first. So I did that at Thanksgiving, and then I bought the ring. Now I’ve just gotta figure out when, where, and how I’m gonna do it.”
“Do what you said earlier: Take her somewhere private. Somewhere romantic. Somewhere special,” I suggested.
Nick nodded. “Maybe I’ll take her to the Keys,” he mused, a faraway look in his eyes. “There’s this tiny island off the coast of Key West. We could take my boat there, do some swimming, have a picnic for lunch… and then I’ll pop the question.”
“That sounds perfect,” I said, smiling at him. After everything he had been through in the past, it was nice to see Nick so happy and hopeful about the future.
“So, what about you?” Sitting down on the side of my bed, he twisted his upper body to face mine. “Things seem to be going well with you and Natalie. You think you might wanna marry her someday?”
“Maybe. The real question is, would she wanna marry me?”
“Why wouldn’t she?” Nick asked, his forehead crinkling. I couldn’t tell whether he was actually wondering or just playing dumb on purpose.
“Really?” I raised my eyebrows, giving him a look. “C’mon, man. Look at me. Think of everything you had to do for me tonight, just to help me get ready for bed. Now imagine doing that every day and night for the rest of your life. It’s a lot, right?”
Nick shook his head. “Not when you love someone.”
“Aww… well, thanks. I love you, too, brother,” I said, flashing him an impish grin.
A faint blush rose in Nick’s cheeks as he smiled back. “I’m being serious!” he insisted. “I would do it for Lauren, if she needed me to – and I’m sure she would do it for me, too. What makes you think Natalie wouldn’t?”
“It’s not that she wouldn’t. It’s just that I don’t want her to feel like she has to, ya know? Marriage is already a big enough commitment without adding caregiving duties into the mix.”
“But isn’t that basically what you’re signing up for when you make that commitment?” Nick countered. “I mean, if you stay married long enough to grow old together, it’s pretty much a given that one partner will become a caregiver for the other at some point, right? That’s the promise you make when you say the ‘in sickness and in health’ part of your vows.”
“That’s true,” I admitted, taken aback by his wisdom and logic. “But we both know it would be Natalie taking care of me, not the other way around. I would bring nothing but baggage to a marriage.”
As the words tumbled out of my mouth, I could hear Natalie’s voice in my mind, quipping, “I’m a flight attendant. We’re pretty good at handling baggage.”
“Bags of money, you mean.” Nick grinned.
I glared at him. “Natalie’s not a gold-digger. She doesn’t care how much money I have.”
“No, I know, but there’s more than one way to take care of somebody,” he said seriously. “Maybe you can’t physically carry her over the threshold – although, technically, you could carry her on your lap and wheel her across – but you can support her financially… and emotionally…”
“You’re right,” I admitted, nodding as I remembered having a similar thought the night Natalie had hurt her ankle. “But if, God forbid, something happened to her, it would be a lot harder for me to become her caregiver. I’d have to hire someone to help.”
“Nothing wrong with that.” Nick shrugged. “You can afford it. And, I mean, hell, you already have hired help. As long as you keep someone like Dawn on the payroll, you and Natalie will never have to worry about taking care of each other.”
“No, but opens up a whole ‘nother can of worms.” I sighed. “The situation with Dawn is complicated. I promised her she’d always have a place in my home, but I don’t know how this heart condition is gonna affect her ability to care for me and Mason.”
“I handled it okay,” Nick said. “Of course, I didn’t know I had a heart condition at the time…”
“Yeah, and look what happened to you.” I frowned as my mind flashed back to the memory I had of him lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a heart monitor. “You wound up in the hospital, just like Dawn.” I had blamed myself, in part, for Nick’s health scare, convinced that the stress and strain of caring for me had contributed to his heavy drinking and drug abuse, thereby exacerbating his undiagnosed cardiomyopathy. He had denied it, of course, but I still harbored some deep-seeded guilt that seemed to resurface whenever I had to call on him for help. The fact that Dawn had collapsed in the middle of my morning routine filled my mind with fresh doubts.
“But I’m fine now,” said Nick, flashing me a reassuring smile. “And I’m sure she’ll get better, too.”
I wished I felt as confident as he sounded, but I could still hear the cardiologist’s words echoing in my head: Acute decompensated heart failure. Chronic condition. No cure.
“I hope so, but I don’t know – her doctor didn’t seem all that optimistic,” I replied, shaking my head. “Anyway… I never wanted Natalie to become my full-time caregiver, but now I worry she’s gonna end up shouldering most of the burden when she’s around – and I’m not sure what we’ll do when she’s not. But I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. At least Nat was able to take the next two weeks off work, which will give us some time to figure things out. She and I have never spent more than a week together, so that should be interesting.”
“It’ll be good for you,” Nick said encouragingly. “It’ll give you guys a chance to play house and find out what it’s like to live together for longer than a few days. It might even help you figure out whether you wanna marry each other or not.”
There was a part of me that couldn’t believe I was actually taking relationship advice from Nick “Never Getting Married” Carter, but he had clearly matured since his days of dating ditzy socialites and supermodels. I had to admit, he’d made some solid points that night.
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “Maybe…”
***