Chapter 75

The next morning, we said our goodbyes at the airport. “Good luck,” John whispered when he bent down to give me a hug. “I hope it goes well.”

“Thanks. Same to you,” I said as he straightened up. “Take good care of my boy for me.”

“You know I will,” he promised, putting his arm around Mason. “We’re gonna have a great time together.”

“That’s right.” Beneath my smile, a surge of anxiety swept through me at the thought of putting my five-year-old son on a plane without me. He’ll be fine, I tried to tell myself. Mason was John’s last remaining connection to Kristin; I knew that he would protect him at all costs. But that didn’t stop me from worrying about all the “What ifs?”

After one last hug and a few tears, we went our separate ways. John steered Mason toward Concourse A to catch the first of their two connecting flights to get to Kansas City, while Natalie and I went to Concourse B, where we boarded our direct flight to Atlanta.

With it being a holiday weekend, the busiest airport in the country was even busier than usual that day. Natalie walked a few feet ahead of me, trying to clear a path through the bustling crowds of people, so I could maneuver my wheelchair through the concourse without running over anyone’s foot.

When we finally made it to baggage claim, I hung back out of the way with her carry-on bag, which contained my catheters and medications, while Natalie moved closer to the carousel, waiting with a cluster of impatient passengers for the rest of our luggage to come around. We’d tried to pack lighter than we had at Christmas, loading one large suitcase with all of our clothes and other essentials. As she bent over to lift the bulging, black bag off the belt, I saw a well-dressed businessman approach her from the next carousel. “Need a hand with that?” he asked.

“No, thanks. I’ve got it,” Natalie replied, grunting as she lowered my heavy suitcase to the ground. When she glanced up at the dark-haired guy who had offered to help her, she did a double take. “Derek! Oh my goodness, I didn’t even notice you standing there!”

Alarm bells immediately went off in my mind. Derek? As in, her ex-fiancé Derek?

“Hey, Natalie. I thought that looked like you,” Derek said with a lazy grin. “Since when do you check bags?”

“It’s my boyfriend’s,” Natalie replied defensively as she reached across the belt to retrieve the carrying case that contained my travel commode.

Derek raised an eyebrow. “Not very chivalrous, is he? Why isn’t he helping you?”

“Because he’s in a wheelchair.” She turned to wave at me, flashing a wide, toothy grin that failed to reach her twinkly, brown eyes. Beneath her beaming customer service smile, a rosy flush had crept up her face instead, two bright splotches of pink flaring over her cheekbones.

Taking my cue to come to her rescue, I threaded my forearm through the handle of her carry-on, clumsily hoisted it onto my lap, and headed toward her. “Hey, babe. Is this guy bothering you?” I asked, pretending I hadn’t heard their whole conversation up to that point.

“Ah, here he is now!” Looking utterly delighted to see me, Natalie leaned over and planted a big, fat kiss on my lips. When she pulled away, I was pleased to see the flabbergasted expression on Derek’s face. “This is my boyfriend, Kevin Richardson,” she told him, her hand lingering on my shoulder. “Kevin, meet the man who broke my heart: Derek Titsworth.”

Derek’s handsome face darkened, twisting itself into an ugly scowl. “So, you must be the man who fixed it, then, huh?” he retorted as he looked down at me, sizing me up.

I raised my head, so I could look him in the eye. “That’s right,” I replied, wrapping my arm possessively around Natalie’s waist. I knew I needed to feign confidence, even if I didn’t feel it.

Her former fiance towered over me, tall and trim. Up close, I could see his biceps bulging beneath the sleeves of his pastel pink button-down, which fit tight across his chest, highlighting his well-defined pecs. His shirt was tucked into a pair of tailored dress pants, which showed off both his slim waistline and the sizable package he was carrying below his black leather belt. He was clearly Natalie’s type.

I used to look like that, too, I thought – yet I knew that, sitting next to him in my chair, I paled in comparison now. I suddenly wished I’d worn something nicer than a pair of sweatpants and the Top Gun t-shirt Natalie had given me for Christmas. Its clingy fabric did nothing to hide my bony arms or the bulge of my quad belly.

Through the thin cotton, I felt Natalie’s fingers grip my shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze before she let go. “Well, as much as I would love to catch up, we’d better get going. We’ve got plans this afternoon,” she said to Derek, lifting her carry-on off my lap and setting it down on its wheels. “You take care now. C’mon, Kevin.” Grabbing my suitcase with her other hand, she turned on her heel and headed toward the exit, her head held high. To an outside observer, she might have appeared cool, calm, and collected – but, despite her dismissive tone and confident stride, I could tell she was flustered. Her long, brown ponytail swished back and forth with each step she took, reminding me of a perturbed cat’s twitching tail.

“Hey, Natalie, wait!” Derek called after her, but she ignored him and kept walking without a backward glance, dragging the two bags behind her. I had started to follow her when I heard him ask, “Wasn’t this one yours, too?”

Turning back toward him, I saw his hand resting atop my travel commode, which was still sitting by the baggage carousel in its nondescript case. My heart leapt into my throat, dislodging the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. “Yeah – it’s mine,” I said with a sigh of relief. Without that case, I would have been “up shit’s creek without a paddle,” as my dad used to say. Derek didn’t know it, but he had just spared Natalie and me from a whole lot of hassle and humiliation. “Just… put it on my lap, please, if you don’t mind.” I hated asking for his help, but I had to swallow what little pride I had left. The case weighed twenty-five pounds; I knew I wouldn’t be able to pick it up by myself. “Thanks, man.”

“No problem,” Derek replied, lifting the case easily and turning it sideways. “Word of advice,” he added as he laid it carefully across my legs. “You wanna watch out for Natalie. In case you didn’t know, she’s quite the social climber. She’s always been attracted to rich guys. You must be loaded for her to overlook… well, you know what I mean.” He waved his hand toward my wheelchair, his eyes lingering on my lower half. “If you’re thinking of proposing to her at any point, get a prenup first. I wouldn’t want you to make the same mistake I almost made by getting married without one. Good thing I dodged that bullet when we broke up.” He flashed me a smug grin.

I glared back at him. “With all due respect, it sounds like she’s the one who dodged the bullet. I know why she dumped you, Derek. You don’t deserve a woman like Natalie.”

“No, I deserve better,” he said, hitching his brown leather messenger bag up higher on his muscular shoulder. “Well, it was nice meeting you… Kevin, was it? All I can say is good luck to you, man.”

Did he really have no idea who I was, or was he just pretending not to know? I wondered briefly but decided it didn’t matter. I had nothing more to say to him, so I turned and wheeled myself away without so much as a nod of acknowledgement. What a tool, I thought as I hurried to catch up to Natalie, hoping the commode case would stay balanced across my knees. I couldn’t lean forward with a bulky piece of luggage in my lap, which made it harder for me to propel my chair.

Fortunately, Natalie hadn’t gone far. I found her waiting for me next to the nearest set of doors, where she had apparently watched my interaction with Derek from a distance. “I’m sorry, babe. I didn’t mean to leave you – or this – behind,” she said, lifting the commode case off my lap and loading it onto the luggage cart she had procured in the meantime. “Forgive me for being rude, but I didn’t wanna stand there and make small talk with that man any longer than necessary.”

“I don’t blame you. The guy’s a douchebag,” I muttered back.

She gave me a curious glance. “Why, what did he say to you?”

I shook my head. “Nothing worth mentioning. C’mon, let’s get out of here. Your friends are probably waiting for us.”

We continued through the sliding doors to the passenger loading zone out front. Natalie hadn’t been lying about us having plans that afternoon. She had arranged for her friend Jana to pick us up from the airport. We were going out to lunch in Atlanta with Jana and her husband Roger, who was a retired commercial airline pilot and part-time flight instructor. Afterwards, he had agreed to take us to his flight school for the adaptive flying lesson Natalie had gifted me for Christmas. I was really looking forward to it – and while running into Derek may have put a damper on my excitement, I was determined not to let the awkward encounter ruin the rest of my day.

“Oh, there they are!” Natalie pointed to a shiny, pearl-white Lexus sedan parked next to the curb. She waved as a petite, auburn-haired woman stepped out of the passenger seat. I recognized Jana, having met her once before on the flight to London.

“Hey, y’all!” Jana trilled as Natalie hurried over to hug her. “How was your flight?”

“Just fine,” said Natalie. “Jana, you remember Kevin, right?”

“Of course! Nice to see you again, Kevin,” Jana replied with a warm smile as I rolled over to them.

“The pleasure’s all mine,” I said, returning her smile. “Thanks for picking us up.”

“Anytime! Now, Natalie said it would be easiest if you sat up front, so that’s where we’ll put you.”

I wanted to tell Jana that she didn’t need to give up her seat for me, that I would be fine in the back, but I knew Natalie was probably right. It would be easier for me to transfer into the front seat, which typically had a wider door opening and more legroom than the back seat. So, again, I swallowed my pride and said, “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“Not a problem at all!” Jana assured me, patting me on the shoulder. As she spoke, the driver’s side door opened, and a tall, thin, silver-haired man slid out from behind the wheel. “Kevin, this is my husband, Roger,” she introduced him.

“Glad to meet you, Kevin,” said Roger, gripping my right hand with both of his and giving it a firm shake.

“Likewise,” I told him. “I’m looking forward to getting in the air with you later today.”

“Me too. I can’t wait for you to try out our new equipment,” he replied. “But first, let’s put your bags in the back, and then we’ll go grab some lunch. I hope you’re hungry!”

“Sure,” I said, even though I wasn’t. “Sounds good.”

Roger and Jana loaded our luggage into their trunk while Natalie helped me transfer into the front seat. She was bent over me from behind, wedging one end of my slide board under my left butt cheek, when a bright red Mustang pulled up to the curb in front of us. “Now there’s a car I’ll never fit in again,” I remarked with a chuckle as I leaned further to my right side, trying to give her more room to work.

Natalie glanced up as the petite blonde woman behind the wheel climbed out of the sports car. “Oh, good Lord… that’s Brandi!” she hissed, ducking her head behind the open door.

“Who’s Brandi?” I asked cluelessly.

“Derek’s coworker… the one he cheated on me with. Oh, I hope she doesn’t see us!”

Why? I wondered. Was she embarrassed to be seen with someone like me? But all I said was, “Well, let’s hurry up and get me in the car, then, so we can get out of here.”

“Good idea.” Grabbing my waistband, Natalie guided my hips across the slide board as I gradually scooted from my wheelchair to the passenger seat, pushing with my arms while she pulled.

I was halfway there when my legs started spasming. As we waited for them to stop, we saw Derek walk out of the airport, suitcase in tow – and, of course, he noticed us right away.

“You sure you don’t need a hand?” he called out to Natalie, his face contorting with a frown as he watched my legs shake. I couldn’t quite read the emotion in his expression. Was it confusion? Curiosity? Disgust? Probably some combination of the three.

“No, thanks. We’re fine,” Natalie replied stiffly, holding onto me as I struggled to stay balanced.

Derek nodded, as if to say, “Suit yourself,” and kept walking toward the red Mustang. “Hey, baby,” I heard him say as the blonde, Brandi, rushed into his embrace. “How’s my girl?”

“Better now that you’re here,” Brandi replied, standing on tiptoe to wrap her arms around his neck. “It’s good to have you home.”

“And how’s our little guy?” Derek asked as he let go of her, lowering his hand to rest lightly on her belly. That was when I saw the small, round bump beneath her flowy blouse.

Natalie noticed it, too. “He got her pregnant?” she gasped in my ear.

I didn’t know how to respond to that. Thankfully, my legs had calmed down, so I could finish transferring into the car.

“I can’t believe she let him knock her up,” Natalie muttered as she corrected my posture, pushing my hips back against the seat until I was sitting up straight. “Now she’s stuck with him for at least the next eighteen years, even if they’re not married.” She pulled the seatbelt across my body and buckled it in place.

“Good thing you dodged that bullet, huh?” I replied, remembering what Derek had said about her.

Natalie nodded, but once she’d closed the car door, I found myself wondering how she really felt about her ex having a baby with another woman. Was she relieved to be rid of him or secretly jealous of her? I couldn’t help recalling the reason she had given me for accepting Derek’s proposal in the first place:

“I had just turned twenty-nine, and… I dunno; I guess it’s true what they say about a woman’s biological clock ticking. Something about being almost thirty made me feel like I should settle down and start trying for a baby before it’s too late. And now, I am thirty, and I have nothing to show for it.”

Now thirty-one, Natalie might be even more willing to marry me… but, then again, she might not. We both knew there was no guarantee that I could give her a child of her own. She might not even want to have a baby with me, knowing it would mean taking on most of the physical work of parenting by herself, on top of tending to her quadriplegic partner. As I watched her break down my wheelchair, I wished I could do more to help her. In my head, I could still hear Derek’s condescending voice. “Not very chivalrous, is he?”

Derek and Brandi had driven off by the time Natalie finished taking the big wheels off my chair. The frame didn’t fold, so it wouldn’t fit in the trunk. Instead, Natalie wedged it into the back seat with her and Jana. Although they were both thin women, it looked like a tight squeeze. Thankfully, we didn’t have far to go.

“Do you like Korean food, Kevin?” Jana asked as Roger pulled away from the curb. “There’s a really good Korean BBQ place not far from here.”

“Love it,” I replied, relieved to be discussing anything but Derek.

Next to Jana, Natalie was unusually quiet. I knew the unexpected encounter with her ex – and the discovery that he was starting a family with his former side piece – had rattled her. I didn’t know what to say to make her feel better, so I settled for making small talk with her friends, trying to distract her.

When we arrived at the restaurant, Jana went inside to get us a table while Natalie and I repeated the whole process of transferring me in reverse. “Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to help?” Roger asked anxiously as he watched Natalie put the wheels back on my chair.

“Nah, we’ve got this,” she replied with a nonchalant wave of her hand. “Kevin and I make a great team. Right, babe?”

I returned her grin, relieved to hear her talk about me like a teammate rather than a burden. “That’s right.”

Truth be told, Natalie had only helped me transfer in and out of a car seat a handful of times, but each time, it had gone a little smoother than the time before. She had learned a lot in the last eleven months. Almost twelve, I thought, leaning to the left so she could position the slide board on my right side. In two weeks, we would celebrate our one-year anniversary as a couple. Assuming my conversation with Natalie’s parents went well, it would be the perfect time to propose to her.

Taking heart in that prospect, I tried to push my pessimistic thoughts to the back of my mind as I rolled toward the restaurant. I was relieved to see a small, cement ramp leading up to the front door, which made it easy for me to wheel myself inside. Roger held the door for both Natalie and me as we went in.

Jana waved to us from a table near the window. As we arranged ourselves around it, a waitress came over to take our drink orders. “Do you have Coke or Pepsi products?” Natalie asked her.

“Coca-Cola, of course!” the waitress replied with a big smile, seeming amused by the notion that any restaurant in Atlanta, home of The Coca-Cola Company’s headquarters, would dare to serve Pepsi.

“I figured. I’ll have sweet tea, then,” said Natalie.

I gave her a curious look. “Not a Coke fan, huh?” I asked as the waitress walked away. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jana and Roger exchange glances and realized I’d said the wrong thing.

“Not since I dumped Derek,” Natalie replied bitterly. “He and Brandi both work for the marketing department at Coca-Cola. When she was first hired there, fresh out of college, he was supposed to take her under his wing and show her the ropes. Turns out, he showed her a lot more than that.”

I shook my head in disgust. “So that’s why you drink Diet Pepsi.”

“Sure is!” She flashed me a tight-lipped smile. “But I don’t wanna talk about it anymore today. That man lived in my head rent-free for far too long. Let’s just forget about him, all right?”

“Fine by me,” I agreed quickly, choosing not to remind her that she was the one who had brought him up in the first place.

The table fell silent as we all focused on our menus, taking time to figure out what we wanted to eat. As always, I weighed what sounded good with what sounded easy to eat. I didn’t want to embarrass myself or Natalie by making a mess in front of her friends. But, in the end, I couldn’t resist ordering my favorite Korean dish: beef bulgogi.

As we waited for our food to be cooked, we continued the conversation we’d started in the car. I had all kinds of questions about Roger’s career as a commercial airline pilot, and he and Jana seemed just as curious about my career in pop music.

“I’ve never been to a Backstreet Boys concert,” Jana admitted.

“Me neither,” added Roger. “Shocking, I know.” He gave me a good-natured grin.

“Well, we’ll have to change that,” Natalie said with a smile. “Y’all can come to one with me and Jared. The U.S. tour starts in August – right, Kev?”

“That’s right,” I said, nodding. “We start rehearsals in a couple weeks. The tour dates will be officially announced in May, and tickets go on sale soon after. But, of course, I can always reserve a few seats for friends and family.”

“I fully plan on being at as many shows as possible. I’m gonna live my best boy band groupie life this summer,” Natalie declared, beaming at me. “I’m so proud of you, babe.”

“Thanks,” I said, feeling my face heat up as I grinned back at her. But my smile masked the uncertainty that was brewing beneath the surface. The closer we came to the tour, the more I worried that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I wasn’t sure how my body would hold up to the rigors of tour life – spending weeks on the road, long days riding on a bus, and late nights sleeping in hotel rooms as we traveled across the country. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong.

That’s just the nerves talking, I told myself. Between my flying lesson with Roger and my plans to ask Natalie’s parents for permission to propose to her, I had plenty to be nervous about. It didn’t help that meeting Derek had dug up all my old insecurities and planted fresh doubts in my head.

I tried to bury them in the back of my mind when our meals arrived, wanting to focus on the food in front of me and the conversation flowing back and forth across the table. Despite having two decades on me and Natalie, Roger and Jana seemed like fun-loving people who were easy to talk to. When I dropped a forkload of bulgogi in my lap, neither of them made a big deal about it.

“Oh, that’s nothing,” said Jana with a wave of her hand. “Even with two working hands, Roger spills all the time.” Her dark eyes twinkled as she gave her husband a teasing grin.

“Guilty as charged,” he confessed, holding up his hands. “When I worked for Delta, I was forbidden from ordering anything that came with a sauce while I was in uniform because I would inevitably end up dripping some down the front of my white shirt.”

“Between me and my five-year-old, we go through plenty of stain remover in my house, too,” I replied, forcing myself to laugh along with them as Natalie tried to wipe the sticky mess off my crotch with her napkin.

When we finished our meal, I insisted on paying the full bill. “It’s the least I can do to thank y’all for letting me fly,” I said, looking from Natalie to Roger. “I’ve really been looking forward to this lesson.”

“Well, let’s get out of here, then,” he replied with a grin.

We all piled back into Roger’s car, and he drove us out to his flight school at Peachtree-DeKalb Airport, a general aviation airport located just outside Atlanta. After a quick tour, he took us out to the apron, where the aircraft were parked.

“This is the plane we’ll be flying today,” he told me as we approached a small, white airplane. “She’s a Cessna 172 Skyhawk. We call her Flo.”

Flo’s wings were mounted high across the top of her fuselage, so I could roll right underneath them to reach the cockpit. Actually getting me into the cockpit was a different story. The co-pilot’s seat was a foot higher than my wheelchair, so I couldn’t use my slide board to transfer like I had to get in and out of the car. “Maybe we should have brought the Hoyer lift,” I muttered to Natalie as I looked up at it. “How the hell am I gonna get in there?”

“We could do a pivot transfer, couldn’t we?” she suggested.

“We could try,” I replied doubtfully. “I dunno, though – it’s pretty high up.” I didn’t want to end up bleeding on the pavement.

“Well, we do have two other adults here who can help. Between the three of us, we should be able to get you up there.”

I glanced over at Jana, who was several inches shorter than Natalie and at least twenty years older. Then I looked at her husband, who had to be in his sixties. I wasn’t sure either one of them would be capable of heavy lifting, if it came to that.

But I had underestimated the power of an experienced cabin crew. The three of them worked together like a well-oiled machine, Natalie taking the lead while Roger and Jana both jumped in to assist her with the transfer. She talked them through each step of the process, telling them where to position themselves and what part of my body to maneuver. It wasn’t pretty, but, somehow, they managed to hoist me into the plane, Roger pulling from the pilot’s seat while Natalie and Jana pushed from the ground. By the time they finished, all three of them were sweaty and out of breath.

“I’m not looking forward to doing this in reverse,” Natalie admitted as she leaned over my lap to adjust my legs, making sure my feet were resting flat on the floor.

“Let’s just hope we won’t have to make an emergency landing,” I replied with a chuckle, only half-joking. Now that I was actually sitting in the cockpit, I could feel my nerves kicking in. Looking over Natalie’s shoulder, I watched as Jana pushed my empty wheelchair out of the way. It was too big to wedge into the small back seat, even if we took its wheels off. But, without it, I would be completely dependent on other people to carry me if we had to put the plane down somewhere else.

“Don’t worry,” said Roger, waving the clipboard that contained his pre-flight safety checklist. “Flo’s very reliable. She hasn’t failed me yet.”

Well, there’s a first time for everything, I thought grimly, wondering if I was a fool for agreeing to this flight of fancy. I had everything I needed on the ground: a lucrative career that I’d worked hard to continue, a wonderful girlfriend whom I wanted to marry, and an amazing son whom I loved more than life itself. As Roger finished his pre-flight checks, Mason’s face kept flashing in my mind’s eye. The poor kid had already lost his mother to a car crash. If this little plane went down, he would most likely be left without a father as well. Was I really going to risk all of that just to fulfill a childhood fantasy?

Regret was starting to set in, but it was too late to back out now. Natalie had already buckled me into the co-pilot’s seat and was about to close the cockpit door when Roger called out, “Aren’t you coming with us?”

“Who, me?” Natalie asked, blinking in surprise.

“Yes, you! This was all your idea, wasn’t it?” he said with a teasing smile. “Don’t you wanna see it come to fruition?”

“Well, yes, of course… if it’s okay with Kevin.” She gave me a questioning glance.

“Fine by me, as long as you trust a quadriplegic to fly the plane,” I replied, grinning back at her.

“I wouldn’t have arranged this if I didn’t trust you – and Roger.” She winked, her brown eyes twinkling, and gave me a peck on the cheek before she climbed aboard the tiny plane and squeezed herself into the back seat.

“I’ll wait here with Kevin’s chair,” said Jana, patting one of its push handles. “We wouldn’t want anything to happen to it while you’re in the air.”

“Thanks, Jana,” I said, grateful to her for understanding how valuable my wheelchair was and volunteering to stay on the ground and watch over it for me. No wonder Natalie considered her a close friend and not just another coworker.

“Of course! Y’all have a safe flight now – and have fun!” Jana blew a kiss to her husband as she closed the cockpit door.

Once he’d completed the last item on his pre-flight checklist, Roger introduced me to the crowded instrument panel, explaining what kind of information each meter displayed. Airspeed, attitude, altitude, rate of turn, heading, vertical speed… It was a lot to take in and keep track of. Along the bottom of the panel ran a series of switches and circuit breakers, which were used to start the engine, turn on the lights and avionics devices, and adjust the flow of fuel and electricity. Then there was the radio, transponder, and navigational system, which, altogether, made my truck’s high-tech dashboard seem downright simple. By the time Roger finished talking through each component, my head was spinning.

“Don’t worry,” he said, chuckling when he saw the look on my face. “We’re just taking what’s called a ‘discovery flight’ today. It’s an introduction to learning how to fly a plane, a way for aspiring pilots to get a feel for what it’s like to be in the cockpit. I’ll handle the hard parts – takeoff and landing – but you can have the controls once we’re at cruising altitude.”

I turned my head to look back at Natalie. “You sure you trust us, babe? ‘Cause it’s not too late to bail if you’re starting to have second thoughts.”

“I’m not having second thoughts,” she replied, raising her eyebrows at me. “Are you?”

“Nah. I feel the need… the need for speed,” I added, glancing down at my Top Gun t-shirt.

Natalie laughed. “Then let’s go!”

The last thing Roger showed me was how to use the hand controls. This was far less overwhelming than the instrument panel – in fact, the setup wasn’t all that different from the one in my truck. The U-shaped yoke was similar to my steering wheel, while Roger had installed a stick-like hand control that connected to the rudder and brakes, which were both operated by foot pedals. The top of the stick had a metal ring that I could either hook my fingers around or thread my whole hand through, making it easier for me to manipulate even with my limited hand function.

“Fun fact: I found out that these hand controls were first invented in Kentucky back in the seventies,” said Roger as I practiced moving the stick in different directions to depress the right and left rudder pedals. “They don’t manufacture them anymore, but I managed to find a set on Ebay.”

“A lot of good things come from Kentucky,” Natalie remarked from behind him. I glanced back to see her grinning at me and felt my pulse flutter as warmth flooded my face.

“I could say the same for Georgia,” I replied, smiling back at her.

Roger cleared his throat. “Okay, you two love birds,” he said with a smirk, handing each of us a headset. “Time to spread your wings and fly.”

“I believe it’s time for me to fly.” I couldn’t resist breaking out into a little REO Speedwagon, despite the fact that it was a break-up song. “Time for me to fly! Oh, I’ve got to set myself free…”

“One thing popstars and pilots have in common: you both wear one of these at work,” Natalie said as she helped me fit my headset over my ears. It had a microphone attached, so we could talk and hear each other over the roar of the engine during the flight.

“I’m sure we look just the same wearing it, too,” Roger joked, his silver mustache twitching. I understood his self-deprecating comment to be a compliment directed toward me, but as I watched his nimble fingers move across the instrument panel, expertly flipping switches and pulling knobs, a part of me wished I was him.

“Roger, if I look half as good as you when I hit your age, I’ll be happy,” I told him.

“Right? Silver fox!” Natalie agreed. “Then again, you’re already a stallion.” She ran her fingers through the longer hair on top of my head and down the back of my neck, giving my left shoulder an affectionate squeeze.

I snorted and shook my head, unable to hide my smile. Deep down, I always appreciated her efforts to make me feel desirable, despite the parts of my disability that were decidedly unsexy. But I hadn’t forgotten Derek’s warning:

“You wanna watch out for Natalie. In case you didn’t know, she’s quite the social climber. She’s always been attracted to rich guys. You must be loaded for her to overlook… well, you know what I mean.”

My smile faded as his words echoed through my head. Was it possible that Natalie had been feigning her physical attraction to me for almost a full year, when she was really only drawn to my money? I didn’t want to believe it, but I couldn’t completely discount the doubts Derek had placed in the back of my mind. What if he turned out to be telling the truth?

Meanwhile, Roger just laughed as he reached for the ignition key. With a turn of his wrist, the engine roared to life. The propeller on the front of the plane began to spin, its blades quickly becoming a blur. I felt a rush of excitement as the tiny plane rumbled beneath me.

Before long, we were taxiing toward the runway. As we prepared for takeoff, I pushed my doubts aside and focused my attention on the long stretch of tarmac in front of me. “Here we go,” said Roger, reaching for the throttle, which looked like the pull lever on a pinball machine. When he pushed it forward, the plane began to pick up speed, bouncing straight down the runway’s center line. Roger kept a close eye on the instrument panel, watching for certain indicators. “Power available,” he called out at one point. “Airspeed alive!” Then he pulled back on the yoke, tilting the plane’s nose into the air.

The moment our wheels left the pavement, all my uncertainties melted away. Derek’s warning, Natalie’s intentions, her parents’ approval… In the air, none of it seemed to matter much anymore. All my problems remained on the ground, growing smaller and less significant as we gained altitude. Gazing out the windshield, I felt an invigorating sense of freedom. This must be what a bird feels like, I thought as I looked down at the ground beneath me. As we got further from the airport, the gray pavement gave way to clumps of dark green trees, interspersed with bright green expanses of grass in nearby neighborhoods, parks, and golf courses.

“You were right – the patchwork quilt is much prettier in the spring,” I remarked to Natalie, remembering how she had once described the ground’s appearance from this vantage point. Like her, I had flown countless times before, but the view from the cockpit beat the one from the small, circular windows in the cabin of a commercial airplane. In such a small plane, the sensation of flying felt different as well. It was louder and bumpier, but I loved every bit of it, from the buzz of the engine to the turbulence of the wind. It made me feel alive.

“It is, isn’t it?” she replied. “Sometimes, it takes seeing it from the sky to make me truly appreciate where I live and what I have on the ground.”

“I can relate to that,” I agreed, nodding as I thought about how good it felt to get home after a long trip. My weekend getaway with Natalie had barely begun, but, already, I found myself looking forward to the moment when I would see Mason again. A fresh wave of guilt washed over me as I thought of him. “Mase would have loved riding in this little plane with us.”

Natalie offered me a sympathetic smile, seeming to understand how hard it was for me to be separated from my son. “We’ll bring him along next time,” she promised. “Maybe Roger will let him play co-pilot, too.”

“He would think that was pretty damn cool,” I said, smiling back as I returned my gaze to the window. In the distance, I could see a cluster of tall buildings – the Atlanta skyline, looking hazy on the horizon. But, as we rose higher, Roger gradually turned the plane away from it, taking us in the opposite direction.

“Okay, Kevin,” he said once we’d leveled out. “We’ve reached a cruising altitude of four thousand feet. You ready to take control?”

“Yeah!” I replied, surprised that he would hand me the reigns so quickly.

“Grab the yoke, and you’re just gonna hold it steady, so the plane stays level and flies straight for now. Later, if you feel comfortable, you can try a turn.”

“Roger, Roger.” As I reached for the yoke, I gave him a sideways glance and a smirk, assuming he heard that Airplane! reference all the time.

Roger just chuckled and shook his head as I threaded the yoke’s handles through my loosely curled fingers. Although I couldn’t grip them tightly, their shape made them fairly easy for me to hold onto. Once I had the yoke in my hands, Roger let go of the one on his side of the cockpit, leaving me solely in control of the plane. While I knew he could grab it again at any moment to make a correction if we started to roll or plummet, he kept his hands in his lap, trusting me to maintain our heading and attitude.

“You make one sexy co-pilot, Kev,” I heard Natalie’s voice crackle through my headset. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her lean forward to snap a photo of me with her phone. I kept my eyes on the horizon, afraid I would accidentally send us into a tailspin if I turned my head to look back at her, but I could tell she was smiling. “Seriously, you look so hot right now – just like Tom Cruise.”

“Psh… Tom Cruise in Born on the Fourth of July, maybe.” Despite my self-deprecating joke, I couldn’t stop a smile from creeping across my face as I clutched the yoke, feeling the vibrations from it flowing up my arms. It was an invigorating sensation, so much better than the faint buzz I felt in the paralyzed parts of my body whenever my pain pills began to wear off. “You know, five years ago, I could barely even move my arms, so it’s crazy to think I’m flying a plane right now. Newly-injured Kevin never would have believed this was possible.”

“I’m proud of you, babe,” said Natalie. “I bet newly-injured Kevin would be, too. You’ve come a long way in the last five years.”

I nodded, a lump swelling in my throat. Sometimes, it was frustrating to know that my physical recovery had plateaued, that I was probably never going to regain any more function than I already had. But when I thought back to the long days and nights I’d spent lying in a hospital bed, staring up at the ceiling, unable to move a muscle below the bulky neck brace I’d worn for weeks after my accident, I realized how lucky I was to have reached this point. Natalie was right: I had come a long way. I was proud of myself – and I knew Kristin would be proud as well. Looking out the windshield at the low-hanging clouds that hovered overhead, I felt a little closer to her, like I always did when I was in the air.

Clearing my throat, I chanced a glance at Roger. “How high can this plane fly?” I asked him. “Can we get above the clouds?”

“Oh, it’ll go up to fifteen thousand feet, although it gets a little dicey above ten. The cabin isn’t pressurized, so the air gets pretty thin at that altitude,” Roger explained. “But we can take it up a few more thousand feet to try to clear these low clouds.”

I expected him to take control of the plane again, but instead, he talked me through how to initiate the climb by pulling back on the yoke to raise the nose and pushing on the throttle to increase power. As I followed his instructions, he reached for a dial near his right leg and turned it to adjust the trim, preventing the nose of the plane from pitching too far upward during the ascent.

“There you go,” he coached me as we gradually began to climb. “Easy does it now. That’s it. You’ve got it.”

“You’re a natural, Kev!” Natalie exclaimed from the back seat.

“I dunno about that,” I replied with a grin, still too nervous to take my eyes off the instrument panel long enough to turn around and glance back at her. “But thanks for the vote of confidence.”

As we approached the clouds, Roger took over the controls to guide us through the turbulence of passing through them. But, once the plane was safely above and had leveled out, he let me fly it again.

“It sure is beautiful up here,” I murmured, admiring the blue sky and bright, unfiltered sunlight. As I gazed down at the sea of clouds floating beneath us like mounds of whipped cream, I thought of Kristin, wondering what she would say if she could see me now. Up here, it was easier to believe she really could. Like always, I looked for her smile in every sunbeam and her face in every cloud, searching for some sign that her spirit lived on. Aside from wanting to feel closer and more connected to my late wife, I desperately craved reassurance that I was making the right decisions, that Kristin approved of the direction my life without her was heading in. But, of course, I saw nothing of the sort, not even another black bird soaring beneath us. Deep down, I knew my crow sighting at the airport the day before had probably just been a coincidence. But that didn’t stop me from wanting to believe in a place beyond the clouds, where I could be with her again someday.

Imagining my reunion with Kristin in the afterlife brought tears to my eyes. I tried to blink them away before Roger or Natalie noticed, but my vision blurred, making it impossible for me to read the numbers on the instrument panel. At that moment, it didn’t seem to matter much. It occurred to me that if I crashed the plane, I could be reunited with Kristin sooner rather than later.

The idea was a fleeting one, but the fact that it had even crossed my mind left me with a frown on my face and an unsettled feeling inside. Of course, I would never act on such an impulse, but it had been a long time since I’d had intrusive thoughts of death or suicide. Remembering the time I’d spent in the hospital must have brought them back along with the bad memories. That was certainly the darkest period of my life. But I didn’t want to dwell on it. A new day had dawned, and the life I led now was a good one – maybe not as great as the one I’d had with Kristin, but certainly a lot better than my miserable existence in the intensive care unit. I never wanted to wind up in that depressing place again.

Trying to be discreet, I removed my right hand from the yoke and quickly reached up to wipe the tears from my eyes. Natalie must have been watching me because, a moment later, her concerned voice came over my headset. “You okay, babe?”

I opened my mouth to answer her, but my breath caught in my throat. For a frightening few seconds, I just gaped soundlessly like a fish out of water, barely able to breathe, let alone speak. As I tried to take a breath, I realized that my chest felt uncomfortably tight, as if an invisible tourniquet had been wrapped around the top half of my torso, compressing my rib cage and constricting my lungs as they struggled to reinflate. “I… I dunno,” I finally managed to mumble. Dark spots danced before my eyes, despite the bright sunlight. “I feel weird all of a sudden… kinda dizzy and short of breath…”

“It’s probably from the altitude,” Roger replied calmly, placing his hands upon the yoke on the pilot’s side of the plane. “You can go ahead and let go of the controls now; I’ve got it. Just try to relax and take some deep breaths. You’ll feel better once we get below these clouds again.”

I followed his directions, closing my eyes so that I could focus solely on my breathing as we descended. From the back seat, Natalie coached me the same way she had the night of my panic attack. “In through your mouth and out through your nose,” she reminded me as her hand rubbed my shoulder. “In… and out…” I concentrated on the soft, reassuring sound of her voice. It didn’t sound winded at all; neither she nor Roger seemed to be affected by the thin air like I was. But, when I thought about it later, I supposed that made sense. They were both accustomed to being at high altitudes – and probably also had a higher lung capacity than I did. Even at low altitudes, my paralysis made it impossible for me to fully inflate my lungs, which limited my ability to compensate for a lack of oxygen like I could have before my injury.

Although I didn’t say any of this out loud, Roger must have understood it on some level because he seemed determined to bring the plane back down to its previous cruising altitude as quickly as possible. But, while our rapid descent did help to relieve the tightness in my chest, the turbulence it created made me feel sick to my stomach.

“How ya feelin’, Kevin?” Roger asked as he reached for a lever near my left leg to adjust the wing flaps. “Any better?”

“I can breathe again, but… I’m still a little queasy,” I muttered, covering my mouth with one hand in case of a sudden eruption.

“Nat, grab him an airsickness bag. There should be some in the seat back pocket.”

“On it.” Natalie was already unfolding one of the small, white barf bags. Unfastening her seatbelt, she scooted closer to me and wedged her whole arm between the two front seats, so she could hold the open bag in front of my face.

“Baby, get back in your seat and buckle up,” I said, waving her away from me. “I’ll be f-” But before I could finish the word “fine,” the lovely beef bulgogi I’d eaten for lunch came back up again. Thanks to Natalie’s fast thinking, most of it made it into the barf bag. Despite the turbulence, she dutifully held the bag beneath my chin with one hand while tenderly rubbing the back of my neck with the other until I’d finished dry heaving.

“Feel better now?” she asked once my retching had subsided.

I nodded, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. “Yeah… thanks,” I replied as she rolled up the top of the bag to seal it. Glancing down, I saw that some of the vomit had dribbled down the front of my t-shirt and into my lap. “Ugh… I’m sorry, y’all. I dunno what happened. I don’t usually get motion sickness.” The only other time I could remember having to use a barf bag on an airplane was when I’d flown with the Blue Angels back in 1999 – but that was to be expected when flying at six hundred fifty miles per hour and a force of seven Gs. I didn’t have a good excuse this time.

“Could be a bit of altitude sickness, too,” Roger said. “We probably ascended too far and too fast for you, and the turbulence on the way back down didn’t help. But don’t worry about it. Happens all the time.”

But not to you or Natalie, I thought, embarrassed. Up until that point, I’d enjoyed the flight, but after puking my guts out in the co-pilot’s seat, I just wanted to get my wheels back on the ground.

By the time we landed, I had a pounding headache. Thankfully, it didn’t take long to taxi back to the apron, where Jana was waiting with my wheelchair. Once the engine had been turned off, the propeller had stopped spinning, and it was safe to approach the plane, she brought it out to meet us. “How was it?” she asked eagerly as she opened my door.

“Amazing, right up until I lost my lunch,” I said, grimacing.

“Oh no!” cried Jana as she followed my gaze to the wet, brown stain on the front of my shirt.

“Yeah… I don’t think I’m meant to be a pilot, but I sure do appreciate y’all making this possible for me.”

“The pleasure’s all ours! Roger’s been looking forward to having you come down and try out his new hand controls. How did those work out for you?”

“That part went pretty well. With a few more hours of flight training and an easier way to transfer in and out of the plane, I think most paraplegics and low-level quads like me would have no problem flying with them.” Turning back to Roger, I added, “Thanks again for getting those installed in the first place.”

“Not a problem,” he replied. “Thanks for being my test pilot.”

After another difficult transfer back to my chair, Jana took Natalie and me into the tiny airport to use the restroom while Roger tied up the plane and completed his post-flight checklist. Natalie accompanied me into the accessible bathroom and cleaned me up the best she could, using wet paper towels with plenty of soap and water to wipe the vomit off my shirt and pants. “Once this dries, you won’t even be able to tell it happened,” she said, patting my shoulder.

“But, until then, it’s pretty obvious that I soiled myself somehow,” I said, staring down at the big, damp spot centered over my crotch. I didn’t know which was worse: people knowing I’d puked all over myself or people thinking I’d pissed my pants.

“Relax. We’ve still got a three-hour drive ahead of us. No one else is even going to see you until we get to my parents’ house,” she assured me. Then she headed out to wait with Jana while I emptied my bladder, hoping it would help to relieve my headache – and prevent any further embarrassing accidents from occurring.

Afterwards, Roger and Jana drove us to Natalie’s apartment complex to pick up her car. I waited in the passenger seat while Natalie went to move her car to one of the handicapped spots, which would give me more room to transfer into it. Taking advantage of this brief window of opportunity to talk to Natalie’s friends while she was out of earshot, I turned my head toward Jana, who was sitting behind Roger. “You’ve known Natalie for a while now, haven’t you?” I asked her.

She nodded. “We’ve been working together for the past five years or so. I’d say I know her pretty well at this point,” she replied with a smile. “Why do you ask?”

I hesitated, watching Natalie walk up to her white Camry. Then, knowing I only had another minute, I went ahead with what I really wanted to ask. “Has she gone out with a lot of other rich guys?”

Jana raised her eyebrows. “Rich guys?” she repeated. “No, not really. Granted, I only get to meet the guys she’s serious about. As far as I can remember, Natalie’s only had two long-term relationships in the time that I’ve known her: you… and Derek, the one we saw at the airport today.” Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Why? Did he say something?”

“He called her a social climber,” I admitted, figuring I might as well be honest. “Said she only dates rich guys… and that I must be loaded for her to look past my disability.”

“Well, that’s a bunch of baloney,” Jana scoffed. “She’s been absolutely smitten with you since the day she met you – not because of your money or fame, but because you seemed like a Southern gentleman and a genuinely nice guy. I think that’s all she really wants – to be with somebody who will treat her right, not break her heart the way Derek did.”

There was a Backstreet Boys joke to be made there, but I resisted the temptation. Considering she’d never been to one of our concerts, Jana probably didn’t even realize she’d referenced two BSB songs in the same sentence – and, besides, I was running out of time. The red lights on the rear of the Camry came on as Natalie prepared to back out of her parking space.

“What did she see in him?” I wondered, watching as she reversed. “He didn’t exactly seem like a ‘nice guy’ to me.”

Jana shook her head. “It’s not about what she saw in him but about what she didn’t see… the warning signs she missed. Natalie was young and naive when she and Derek started dating. Heck, she’s still young – but older and wiser now. She knows what she wants and what she doesn’t want. And what she wants is you. So if you’re worried that she’s with you for the wrong reasons, don’t be. And don’t let Derek make you doubt your relationship just because he regrets destroying his.”

Her firm reassurance restored my faith in Natalie and made me feel better about our future together. “Thanks for the advice,” I said, giving her a grateful smile as Natalie pulled up next to us. “Thank you both for everything.”

It took another ten minutes to get me, my wheelchair, and all our luggage transferred from Roger’s car to Natalie’s. By the time she finished buckling me into the front seat, I felt exhausted – and I wasn’t even the one doing most of the physical work. But the highs and lows of the emotional rollercoaster I’d been riding all day long had left me mentally drained.

“I hope you don’t mind if I nod off while you’re driving,” I said to Natalie as she merged onto I-75. “I’m still not feeling great.”

“No, of course not,” she replied, giving me a sympathetic glance. “Go ahead and take a nap if you want. Don’t worry about me. I’ve driven this route hundreds of times, so it’s not like I need you to navigate. I know right where I’m going.”

That was all I needed to hear from her. “Thanks, baby,” I murmured, my eyelids already growing heavy. It didn’t take long for the gentle rumble of the car’s running engine and rolling tires to lull me to sleep.

***