Chapter 84

“What?!” Dawn gasped, giving me a bewildered look. “Break up with her? Why?? Because of the way she reacted to what happened this weekend?”

I shook my head. “No. That was just the final nail in the coffin for our relationship.”

I had come to that realization as I’d lain awake the previous night, pondering my next move. My mind kept replaying my conversation with Natalie, as well as the ones I’d had with her parents. Without their approval, our relationship was already dead in the water. What was the point in continuing to drift along like nothing was wrong when I knew we had no future together?

“What do you mean?” Dawn pressed as she walked alongside me. “I thought you and Natalie were doing really well! You two seemed so happy together.”

“We were. I was actually planning to propose to her,” I admitted. “I hadn’t picked out a ring or anything yet, but I did ask her dad for permission when I went down there for Easter.”

“What did he say?” Her hesitant tone told me she had already guessed where this was going. She had heard me talk about Natalie’s father before – how I found him hard to read, how I couldn’t tell whether he liked me or not, and how I had completely humiliated myself in front of him during my last trip to his farm.

“He said no.” I looked down at the driveway, watching my wheels roll over its smooth, paved surface while my mind’s eye pictured the two of us sitting on Bill Crawford’s front porch, drinking beer together. “Told me I’m not the right man to marry his daughter. That I’m too old for her. That I can’t take care of her or contribute my share of the household duties.”

“Wow. Ageism, sexism, and ableism, all in one conversation? Impressive!” Dawn said sarcastically. “Too bad you’re not a black guy, or I bet you could have crossed out ‘racism’ on your bigot bingo card as well.”

“Bigot bingo card?” I repeated, snorting with laughter.

Dawn shrugged, an impish grin tugging at her lips. “Just calling a spade a spade. I’m not wrong, am I?”

“I wouldn’t know,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m not black.”

She laughed. “Well, regardless, he sounds like a real peach.”

“Yeah… he’s nothing like Natalie.” As we approached the house, I looked up at the guest bedroom window in time to see a curtain twitch. I couldn’t see anything behind it, but I could picture Natalie standing on the other side, watching us through the gap.

“Is that why you asked me that question in the waiting room last week?” Dawn wondered. “About if I would go back and marry Ben again, knowing his parents didn’t approve of me?”

I nodded. “Not that it really matters now, but… yeah.”

“That’s a hard question for me to answer,” she said, tucking a stray lock of her strawberry blonde hair behind her ear. “I mean, on one hand, that man put me through hell toward the end of our marriage. I wouldn’t wanna go through that again. But, on the other hand, the first half of our marriage was wonderful.” Glancing her way, I watched Dawn’s frown fade into a wistful expression. “And, without Ben, there wouldn’t have been a Michael,” she added. “He gave me my son, and if I could go back and be Michael’s momma again, I would do it in a heartbeat. So, I guess my answer is yes – despite his parents’ disapproval and everything he put me through, I probably would marry him again.”

“You’ll always be Michael’s momma,” I said, offering her a sad smile, “just like Kristin will always be Mason’s.” I paused, glancing up at the window again. “You know, one of the reasons I was interested in dating again was so Mason might have a stepmom someday. But he doesn’t really need one, as long as he has you. You’ve been like a mother to him these last four years. He doesn’t remember life without you any more than he remembers his real momma.”

“I love him like my own, too,” Dawn admitted, returning my crooked smile. “You know, after Ben moved out and Michael died, I felt so lost and empty, like I had nothing more to give and nothing left to live for. But that was before I met you and Mason. Hokey as it may sound, y’all filled the hole in my heart and helped me find my purpose again.”

Her heartfelt words brought Natalie’s harsh assessment of our “weird, co-dependent relationship” back to the forefront of my mind. “Don’t you find it the least bit odd how she’s ingrained herself into your family in just a few short years?” I could hear her saying inside my head. “Can’t you see what she’s doing? She’s using you and Mason as replacements for her divorced husband and dead son!”

“Same here,” I said, swallowing hard. “You mean the world to me and Mason. You’ve done so much for both of us, Dawn, way more than what I hired you to do. You’re not just his nanny or my employee. You’re like a co-parent, sister, friend, and confidant, all rolled up into one incredible package. I can’t imagine ever feeling as comfortable around another caregiver as I do with you. You’re irreplaceable.”

“You don’t have to keep kissing my ass, you know,” she said, letting out an awkward laugh. A fresh sheen of tears had formed on the surface of her bloodshot blue eyes, making them look extra bright. “I already told you I would stay.”

“I’m not kissing your ass,” I insisted. “I meant every word of what I said. C’mere.” I opened my arms wide to offer her a hug. As she bent down to embrace me, I wrapped them around her back, leaning into her shoulder so she could reach her arms around me, too. “I love you,” I whispered before we let go of each other. “And I don’t care if Natalie knows it.”

“Love you, too.” She slowly straightened up, pushing my upper body against my backrest to prevent it from flopping forward when she released me. “Thanks for talking me down off the ledge,” she added, flashing me a sheepish smile.

“Anytime,” I said, smiling back.

Silence fell between us as we finished our trek up the long driveway. Instead of talking, I listened to the songbirds’ cheerful tune. It reminded me of the lyrics I had written in London.

The darkness doesn’t last
Even when the night seems long
The sun comes out each morning
As the blackbird sings its song
And the rain won’t fall forever
Even when the sky is gray
The storm cloud’s silver lining
Means a rainbow’s on its way
When the sun comes out

I could see the sun rising over the rolling fields behind my house and feel its warmth on my face. It gave me hope that, no matter what happened with me and Natalie, the world would keep turning. My life wasn’t over, even if my relationship was.

When we finally reached the top of the driveway, I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with fresh air, and let it out in a long, low sigh. “Well… I guess I’d better go inside and get this over with.”

“Good luck,” said Dawn, giving my shoulder a squeeze. “I’ll make myself scarce. Holler if you need me.”

“Thanks.” As I pushed myself up the ramp, the front door swung open, and Natalie stepped out onto the porch, carrying two cups of coffee. She was still wearing her pink pajamas, a thick blanket wrapped around her shoulders like a shawl to ward off the early morning chill. Clearly, she had been watching out the window, waiting for Dawn and me to make our way back to the house.

“Oh, hi, Natalie!” Dawn said in a bright tone, trying too hard to sound friendly and cheerful. “Are you feeling any better?”

Natalie forced a tight-lipped smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “No, not really,” she replied with a listless shrug.

“Aw, I’m sorry to hear that. Are you hungry at all? I made waffles for breakfast this morning; I could warm up one for you if you want,” Dawn offered kindly.

Natalie shook her head. “No, thank you.”

“All right. Well, I’ll be upstairs if either of you need anything.” Dawn gave me a significant glance, then let herself into the house.

When the door had closed behind her, Natalie sat down in one of the white, wicker chairs, setting her coffee cup on a small side table. She handed me my travel mug as I parked my wheelchair next to her.

“Thanks,” I said, taking a grateful sip of hot coffee.

“Welcome,” came her curt reply. I had taken the refill as a peace offering, but her clipped tone told me she still hadn’t forgiven me for Vegas.

“How’d you sleep?” I asked her anyway, trying to break the ice.

“Terribly,” she replied, raking her hand through her tangle of long, brown hair.

“Me too,” I admitted. “I was awake most of the night, thinking about the things we said to each other… and the things we didn’t say.”

“Like what?” she asked, frowning.

I sucked in a deep breath as I set my coffee mug down on the table between us, steeling myself for what I knew I needed to say. “Well, for one, you obviously don’t trust me,” I began. “I mean, that’s what this whole thing with Dawn comes down to, right? Trust. By accusing me of cheating on you with Dawn, even after I tried to explain what actually happened in Vegas, you’re telling me you don’t trust me to be faithful or truthful. And that really hurts, Natalie.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but I held up my hand, signaling for her to hold her tongue.

“Hang on; I’m not done.” I took another deep breath, and she took a sip of her coffee, silently consenting to hear me out as I continued. “It hurts because of how much trust I have had in you. I’ve trusted you with my care… with my son… with my heart. I’ve trusted you to be truthful and faithful to me, even when you’re halfway across the world. You could have cheated on me dozens of times with different men in different countries, but have I ever once accused you of doing so?”

“No,” said Natalie, raising her chin, “but you’ve also never seen me in bed with another man – because I haven’t been in bed with any other man but you since the day we met. I don’t sleep around, Kevin.”

“I never said you did, Natalie. I trust that you don’t. That’s my whole point; that’s why it hurts that you don’t have the same level of trust in me,” I told her. “And here’s the thing: I’m going back on tour in less than two months. I’m gonna be traveling all over China, the U.S., Canada, and Japan. If it’s anything like it was before, the guys and I are gonna have girls – grown women – throwing themselves at us. And now I’m worried that you won’t be able to handle that without getting all jealous and paranoid.”

Natalie’s jaw dropped as deep furrows appeared in her forehead. I could tell she wanted to argue with me, but I kept talking.

“Even Kristin had a hard time with it at first. She eventually got used to the attention I got from fans, but she couldn’t deal with it back in the early days, when we were still dating long-distance. That was one of the reasons we broke up for a while, before we got engaged.”

I watched Natalie’s facial expression change, her knitted brows wiggling upward as her narrowed eyes widened. I could see tears starting in their corners. “Are you breaking up with me?” she asked, her voice catching in her throat. “Is that where you’re going with all this?”

I hesitated for only a second before nodding. “Yeah… I am. I’m sorry, but, like I said last night, I just don’t see how this is gonna work going forward.”

“Please don’t give up on us,” she begged as the tears overflowed, trickling slowly down her face. “I do trust you, Kevin.”

“But you don’t trust Dawn.”

Natalie shook her head, wrapping her blanket tighter around her body. “It’s not that I don’t trust her. Or that I don’t like her. I do!” she insisted. “I’m just not comfortable with how close you are to her.”

“I know you’re not. And that’s why this isn’t gonna work. Because, despite your attempt to get rid of her, Dawn’s not going anywhere.”

“My attempt to… What are you talking about?” Natalie asked, her eyes narrowing again.

“She tried to give me her two weeks’ notice just now, as we were walking up the driveway… but I talked her out of it. I figured you were the one who planted that seed in her head in the first place.” I watched Natalie’s face closely as I spoke, curious to see how she would react.

“What?!” she cried, her mouth falling open. “No, I did not!” She looked so genuinely shocked and appalled by my accusation that I knew she was telling the truth.

“Okay,” I said, nodding. “That’s what Dawn told me, too. I just needed to hear it from you.”

Natalie blinked. “That’s what Dawn told you? You asked her if I tried to convince her to quit?”

“Yeah. But she said you didn’t.”

“Of course I didn’t! But, Kevin, if the woman wants to quit, you should let her quit!”

“She doesn’t really want to quit,” I said, shaking my head. “She just felt bad because we were fighting over her.”

“How does she know that?” Natalie asked, fixing me with an accusatory stare. “Have you been talking to her about me? About our relationship?”

“She heard us through the walls last night,” I replied, glaring back at her. “And you have no business being mad at me for discussing it with her when I know for a fact that you’ve done the same damn thing with your family.”

My response seemed to catch her off-guard. “What do you mean?” she said, cocking her head to one side.

“See? You’re not denying it.”

“No, I’m not. Of course I’ve talked to my family about you, Kevin. They kinda wondered why I kept flying to Kentucky on my days off. Was I supposed to keep our relationship a secret from them?”

“Of course not. But you could have kept some parts of it private. You didn’t have to tell your dad every intimate detail about what you do for me – or what Dawn does for me.”

Natalie’s jaw dropped again. “What?! I didn’t-”

“How do you think my daughter likes having another woman in the house all the time, touching her boyfriend’s naked body while she’s away for work?” I mimicked her dad’s deep, Southern drawl. “That’s what he said to me last weekend, when we were out on the porch. Where did he get that idea, if not from you?”

Natalie said nothing at first, seemingly too stunned to speak. Her cheeks turned pink as she gazed down at the ground, giving me the impression that she felt guilty for confiding her feelings about Dawn to her father. But when she finally spoke, it wasn’t to apologize. “I knew something happened with you two last weekend,” she muttered, shaking her head. “You were acting weird around my dad even before we left my parents’ house. I wish you would have told me then, when I asked you about it, instead of pretending you didn’t feel well. You know how much I hate being lied to.”

“Yeah, well, I wish you would have told me how you really felt about Dawn before last night. Since honesty matters so much to you…”

“I tried, Kevin,” Natalie said earnestly, “but every time we talked about her, it led to an argument. I didn’t wanna fight about her anymore, so I forced myself to accept her. Or, at least, I thought I did. But seeing her sleeping in that bed with you this weekend just brought back all my old insecurities and bad memories of how my last relationship ended.”

“That sounds like a ‘you’ problem,” I replied coldly. “I’m sorry, Natalie, but what Derek did to you is totally different from what Dawn and I did. Don’t punish me for his bad behavior.”

“No, you’re right. That’s not fair,” she admitted and reached for my hand. “I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions… and for projecting my past relationship drama onto you. Can you forgive me?”

I looked down at my lap, where her slender hand was wrapped around mine, and cleared my throat to get rid of the lump that had risen in it. “Of course, I can forgive you,” I said, swallowing hard. “But I can’t forget what you said about Dawn any more than I can forget what your dad said about me.” Slowly, I forced myself to pull my hand out of hers. “He made it perfectly clear to me last weekend that he doesn’t approve of us taking our relationship any further. I didn’t tell you about it because I didn’t wanna put you in the middle or make you choose between me and your family… which is exactly what I feel like you’re doing to me. You made it pretty clear to me last night that you can’t keep living under the same roof as Dawn. But Mason and I need her here.”

“More than you need me?” Natalie asked in a small voice, her empty hand still resting on my knee.

“No.” I had to look away from her wounded expression, not wanting to see the fresh tears welling in her soulful, brown eyes. “But she needs us more than you do.”

Natalie said nothing. I supposed she knew, deep down, that I was right.

In her silence, I added, “You’re an amazing woman, Natalie. You’re beautiful… kind… intelligent. You could have just about any man you want. I know you’ll find somebody out there in the world who’s perfect for you.”

With a sniffle, she whispered, “I thought I already had.”

Though it broke my heart to hear her cry, I managed to keep my composure. “Not according to your dad,” I muttered bitterly. “He told me in no uncertain terms that I’m too old for you and too much of a burden.”

“Well, he’s wrong!” she snapped. “My dad likes to think he knows everything, but he doesn’t – especially when it comes to your disability or our relationship. How did that even come up in your conversation with him, anyway?”

I sucked in a slow, deep breath, debating how best to answer her question. Finally, I decided to tell the truth. “If you really wanna know, I was asking for his permission to propose to you. I wasn’t planning on telling you because I wanted it to be a surprise. But it doesn’t matter now. He said no.”

“That’s a shame,” said Natalie as she finally took her hand off my knee and used it to wipe the tears from her eyes. “I would have said yes.”

***