Chapter 83

In the end, we made a mutual decision to sleep on it – in separate rooms – and talk more the next morning, when our minds were fresh and our bodies better-rested.

“Sorry,” I told Dawn when she came to help with my night routine. “Natalie’s not feeling well. She quarantined herself to the guest room, so she doesn’t give any of us whatever she’s coming down with.”

Halfway through pushing the Hoyer lift into position next to my power chair, Dawn stopped and gave me a look. “You don’t have to lie for her, Kevin, at least not to me,” she said quietly. “I heard the way you two were talking to each other.”

My shoulders stiffened as I stared back at her in horror. “You did?”

She shrugged. “Not so much the words you were saying as the tone you were using. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but my room is right next door, and your walls aren’t exactly soundproof. I could tell you were fighting.”

“Oh,” I said, relaxing against my backrest. “Yeah. We were.”

“You wanna talk about it?” she offered, grabbing the sling that she’d left draped over the lift’s arm.

“Not really,” I replied, leaning forward so she could slide the piece of padded, polyester fabric behind my back.

“No problem.” Dawn pushed my upper body back into an upright position, then lifted my legs one by one so she could pull the sling’s leg straps out from under me. As she hooked them up to the Hoyer lift, she suddenly added, “I couldn’t help overhearing my name, though. You wanna talk about that?”

My guilty glance upward was met by a curious gaze. “Not really,” I mumbled. But one cock of her eyebrow, and the truth came pouring out of me. I was too tired to make up any more lies. “Natalie FaceTimed me yesterday morning while you were still asleep. She saw you in bed with me and flipped out. Said something to the effect of, ‘Is this what you and Dawn do when I’m not around?’ As if you and I have been fuck buddies this whole time.”

“What?!” Dawn gasped, her hand going up to her mouth. “Oh, Kevin… She doesn’t really believe that, does she? How could she actually think you would hook up with me behind her back?”

“I dunno. She’s always had this weird hang-up about me living with another woman and having a female caregiver, even though I made it clear from the beginning that you and I are just friends. I guess it’s because she’s been cheated on before. She gets paranoid… and jealous.”

“That girl has absolutely no reason to be jealous of me.” Dawn shook her head incredulously as she reached for the Hoyer lift’s handset. “I mean, has she looked in a mirror lately? She’s like Belle from Beauty and the Beast… and I’m like the flippin’ wardrobe.”

“Oh, c’mon. You can at least be the teapot,” I said with a smile. “So, I guess that makes me the Beast in this analogy, huh?” I had to admit, it wasn’t a bad comparison.

“Well, yeah,” said Dawn, pushing the up arrow on the remote in her hand. “You are the handsome, rich guy.”

As the lift hoisted me out of my chair, I couldn’t help but laugh – because, of course, I hadn’t thought about it that way. Once upon a time, I had been the Beast, imprisoned inside a changed body that no longer felt like my own. I had hidden inside my own home, afraid to face the world, fearing judgment from people who would point and stare when they saw me in my wheelchair. I couldn’t have fathomed falling in love again, so convinced was I that no woman would be able to look past my outward appearance and love me for the person I was inside. But that was before I met Natalie. She had made me feel like a new version of my old self, breaking the curse by building my confidence and showing me that I was still capable of loving and being loved. I had looked forward to living happily ever after with her… but now, it felt like we weren’t going to get our fairy tale ending.

“Do you want me to go talk to her?” Dawn asked as she lowered me onto my bed. “I could tell my side of the story and try to set the record straight.”

I shook my head. “I’m not sure that would help. It might even make things worse. I doubt Natalie would be happy knowing I’ve been talking to you about my relationship with her.”

“I didn’t realize she was so possessive,” Dawn said, frowning.

“Most of the time, she’s not. I honestly thought she had gotten over this months ago. But what happened this weekend must have triggered all her old insecurities. Either that, or she’s about to start her period again,” I replied, thinking of the last time we’d fought about Dawn, at Disneyland back in November.

Dawn snorted. “Definitely don’t let her know you’ve been talking to me about her menstrual cycle,” she said as she unhooked the sling from the lift.

“Don’t worry. I won’t,” I promised.

We fell into a comfortable silence as we continued with the rest of my night routine. I could tell Dawn was just as tired as I was, but she went about her typical caregiving duties without complaint, assisting me with undressing, stretching, bladder care, and pressure relief. “Are you good?” she asked once she’d finished tucking me into bed.

I ran through a mental checklist, making sure my mattress pad was on, my pillows were in place, and my phone and water bottle were within reach. I realized I had everything I needed right next to me – everything except Natalie. “Yeah, I guess so,” I replied, knowing there was nothing Dawn could do about that. “Get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“You too,” she said and turned off the light. “Goodnight, Kevin.” Dawn closed my bedroom door, leaving me alone in the dark.

Before my fight with Natalie, I had figured I would fall asleep easily that night. I always slept better in my own bed, surrounded by the familiar comforts of home, than I did in a hotel room. But, that night, sleep did not come easy. I lay awake for a long time, replaying our last conversation in my mind and contemplating the future of our relationship.

I finally managed to turn off my tired brain and fall asleep, only to be woken a few short hours later when Dawn came back in to start my morning routine.

“How is it already five-thirty?” I asked groggily, checking the time on my phone as she turned on the light.

“Two-thirty Vegas time,” she said with a grim smile. “But, sadly, we’re back on Eastern time, and it’s a school day. Mason’s bus will be here in two hours.”

I groaned. Two hours felt like a long time, but not for Dawn, who had to do my full morning routine, fix breakfast, and make sure Mason made it to his bus stop on time. I could have slept later, but in an effort to be a fully-present father, I had promised myself that I would wake up early, get out of bed, and see my son off to school each morning. A part of me regretted making that promise as I sluggishly pushed myself into the bathroom for the second phase of my bowel program. Having dozed during the first phase, I could barely keep my eyes open.

“Mason wants waffles for breakfast, so I’m gonna go down and get started on those,” said Dawn as I positioned my commode chair over the toilet. “See ya in twenty.”

“Can you bring me a cup of coffee when you come back up?” I asked her. “I don’t think I can wait till I get downstairs. I’m seriously dragging here.”

“Of course. I’ll brew it extra strong today. Lord knows I’m gonna need the caffeine, too,” she said, stifling a yawn.

“Thanks, Dawn.”

She left me to do my business, returning twenty minutes later with a travel mug full of hot coffee in hand. It helped. By the time we finished my morning routine, I felt more awake and ready to face whatever the day had in store for me.

While Dawn went back downstairs to cook the waffle batter she had whipped up earlier, I wheeled myself down the hall to wake up Mason. I cast a bitter look at Natalie’s closed door as I knocked on his. “Good morning, Mason,” I called softly as I opened the door and turned on the light. “Rise and shine, buddy. It’s time to get up for school.”

Mason let out a moan and pulled his covers up over his head.

Me too, kid, I thought. Me too. I might have considered letting him stay home that day, knowing how late we’d gotten back the night before, but I needed him out of the house while I talked to Natalie, in case the conversation got heated again. “C’mon,” I encouraged him. “I know you’re tired, but you’ve gotta get up and get dressed so you have time to eat breakfast before the bus comes. Dawn’s making waffles.”

The promise of Dawn’s waffles seemed to perk him up a little. Within a few minutes, I had managed to coax him out of bed. I watched as he changed out of his pajamas and into his school clothes, making sure he remembered to put on a clean pair of underwear.

“Race you downstairs,” I said once he finished getting dressed. “Last one to the table’s a rotten egg!” Then I rolled out of his room and down the hall as fast as I could, Mason hot on my heels. He ran down the stairs while I rode the elevator to the first floor. By the time I rolled into the kitchen, he was already sitting at the table, wearing a triumphant grin on his face.

“I win!” he announced as Dawn put a piping hot waffle on his plate.

“Yes, you did. Guess that makes me the rotten egg again,” I said, heaving an exaggerated sigh that made Mason giggle. The sound of his laugh brought a smile to my face and made everything seem a little better.

“When are you ever not the rotten egg?” Dawn asked with a wink as she joined us at the table. She pulled Mason’s plate toward her and started cutting his waffle into bite-sized pieces.

“Where’s Natalie?” Mason wondered when he noticed the empty chair next to me. “Did she have to go to work?”

“No. She wasn’t feeling well last night, so she wanted to sleep in today,” I said, trying to keep my face neutral. I hated to lie to him, but he didn’t need to know that Natalie and I had fought the night before. It was bad enough that Dawn did.

“Oh,” he said, watching Dawn drizzle syrup over his waffle. “Well, maybe we should bring her breakfast in bed.”

I smiled, touched by his sweet soul and tender heart. “That sounds real nice, son, but let’s just let her sleep for now. We can always reheat a waffle for her if she wants one when she wakes up.”

Mason nodded and said nothing more about Natalie, digging into his breakfast while Dawn fixed me a plate. When he was done eating, he went upstairs to brush his teeth and comb his hair while I finished my waffle.

Natalie still hadn’t come downstairs by the time we needed to leave, so Dawn walked to the end of the driveway with Mason and me to wait for his bus. It was a beautiful spring morning, and although there was still a slight chill in the air, I could feel the warmth of the sun shining on the back of my neck. A chorus of birds chirped joyfully from the tall trees that lined the driveway. Their song gave me a fleeting sense of hope, but I couldn’t forget what was waiting for me when I went back into the house. I wasn’t looking forward to facing Natalie or finishing the hard conversation that I knew we needed to have.

When Mason’s bus appeared on the horizon, I gave him a quick hug. “Have a good day, son,” I said as I released him. “I love you.”

Dawn’s hug seemed to last a little longer than usual. She didn’t let go of Mason until the school bus had slowed to a stop in front of us. Then she stood and watched him clamber up the steps, waving as the bus pulled away. When she turned to begin the long trek back up to the house, I was surprised to see tears sparkling in her eyes.

“Hey… you okay?” I asked, looking up at her in concern.

“Not really,” she replied, rubbing her eyes. “I didn’t get much sleep last night either. I kept thinking about what you told me, about the reason you and Natalie fought.” She walked a half step ahead of me, her footsteps heavy on the ground. “I finally came to the realization that… maybe I don’t belong here anymore.”

“What are you talking about?” I cried as I wheeled after her. “Of course you belong here!”

“No, I don’t,” said Dawn, looking down at the paved driveway. “Mason’s growing up and becoming more independent. He doesn’t need me as much anymore, especially now that he’s in school all day. And neither do you, now that you have Natalie. She’s gotten comfortable doing your care when she’s here, and when she’s not… well, you could always have one of your brothers fill in or hire a part-time caregiver to come over on an as-needed basis.”

“I would hate that,” I said, shaking my head. “Do you know how many issues I had trying to find and keep reliable caregivers when I lived in LA? I got stood up, let down, lied to, stolen from… I never wanna go through that nightmare again. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to. When you started working here… what, four years ago now?” I gave her a questioning glance, and she nodded. “You were a perfect fit for my family. You still are.”

“Apparently not,” Dawn replied as her sneakers scuffed against the concrete. “Not if Natalie feels threatened by me.”

I pushed my wheels harder, trying to keep up with her walking pace. “It doesn’t matter what Natalie thinks. She’s not the one paying you.”

“Maybe not, but I haven’t exactly been the best employee lately either,” Dawn said with a sigh. “The last two times we’ve traveled together, I’ve let you down. First, I fainted in Alpharetta, and then-”

“That wasn’t your fault, Dawn,” I interrupted her. “You didn’t know you were in heart failure.”

“No, but what happened in Vegas over the weekend absolutely was my fault. I knew I shouldn’t drink alcohol while I was taking prescription meds, but I did it anyway – and look what happened,” she said, shaking her head. “It’s inexcusable.”

“It’s not. You made a mistake, one I’m sure you won’t make again. You already apologized for what happened, and I forgave you – not that I was ever upset with you in the first place,” I added quickly. “You weren’t there as my ‘employee’; you invited me along as your friend. I wanted you to have fun and forget about all the health crap for a few hours.”

“But that’s just it, Kevin. I can’t forget about all the ‘health crap’ any more than you can forget about being paralyzed,” she replied, her voice rising. “I tried to pretend I didn’t have a heart problem this weekend, but that didn’t make it go away. It only made it worse.” She paused to catch her breath, placing her hand over the small Nike swoosh on the front of her navy blue hoodie. “We’ve both gotta face the fact that this is a permanent part of my life now. It’s not gonna go away. It’s not gonna get better.”

“But Nick-”

“Nick had alcoholic cardiomyopathy,” she cut me off and kept walking. “Caused by drug and alcohol abuse. Completely reversible if caught early, which it apparently was in his case. Mine is different. It’s genetic. Not curable. Only treatable to a certain extent.” Her breath came in short puffs of air that seemed to punctuate her clipped tone. “It’s a progressive condition. I may be able to slow the progression with a proper diet and exercise, but no matter what I do, my heart is gonna get weaker. The day will come when I won’t be able to do this job anymore.”

My own breath caught in my throat. Swallowing hard, I said, “But that could be years down the road, right? Decades, even. Mason could be grown by then. So why don’t you wait and cross that bridge when you come to it? You don’t have to make any decisions today.”

Slowing down, Dawn turned to face me. “I already made my decision last night,” she said, fresh tears starting to trickle down her flushed cheeks. “Consider this my two weeks’ notice. That’ll give you time to find another caregiver and me time to figure out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life.”

“Dawn…” I stopped rolling and stared at her in disbelief. “Please don’t do this. Please. Mason and I need you. We love you!”

“Don’t let Natalie hear you say that,” she replied with a wry smile as she wiped her tears away.

I was still staring at her, struggling to understand, when it suddenly hit me. “Wait… did she put you up to this?” I imagined the two of them meeting in the middle of the night, talking to each other in hushed tones, trying to hash things out behind my back.

“No,” Dawn said quickly, shaking her head. “Of course not. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t take her feelings into consideration. Honestly, I don’t blame her for being suspicious about what happened between us in Vegas. If I were her, I probably would be, too.” She started walking faster, forcing me to pick up my own pace. “I’ve been cheated on before. I know how much it hurts to be betrayed like that by someone you love. It’s a pain that never fully goes away. It leaves scars that last forever.”

“But I didn’t cheat!” I protested as I leaned forward, throwing my upper body weight into each push.

Dawn glanced back, giving me a sympathetic look as she stopped to let me catch up to her. “You and I both know that, but Natalie doesn’t – not for sure, anyway.”

“If she loves me, she should trust that I’m telling her the truth,” I growled, digging the heels of my gloved hands into the grippy surface of my pushrims.

“Trusting and knowing are two different things,” Dawn pointed out, walking at a slower pace as we continued up the long driveway. “I’m sure she trusted her ex, too, until she found out he was lying to her. Once you’ve been cheated on, it’s hard to fully trust anyone again. Why do you think I’ve been so reluctant to date again since my divorce?”

I sighed. “You trust me, don’t you?”

“Yeah… but you’re my friend and my employer, not my romantic partner.” She looked over at me. “I hope we can still be friends, even when I’m no longer living with you.”

“We’ll always be friends,” I reassured her, “but I really wish you’d reconsider. I don’t want you to leave. Mason won’t want you to leave. Please stay – if not for me, then for him.”

Dawn sniffled. “You’re not making this any easier on me, you know,” she said with a tearful smile.

“Well, no shit, Dawn. I’m trying to change your mind here,” I replied, returning her lopsided grin. “I know I can’t stop you, if you really wanna leave,” I added, “but I hope I can convince you to stay.”

It was her turn to sigh. “It’s not that I want to leave…”

“Then don’t,” I said flatly. “Look, I know you may think this is for the best, but your timing couldn’t be worse. I’m about to go on tour; I don’t have time to look for another caregiver. I leave for LA in one week to start rehearsals, and the first leg kicks off in less than two months. I need somebody I can trust to come with me and help look after Mason while we’re on the road. If you quit now, you’ll be leaving me in a real lurch. Can you at least give me more than a two-week notice?”

My little guilt trip worked. Wiping her eyes again, Dawn nodded. “Of course,” she agreed. “I’ll stay as long as you need me, Kevin… or as long as I can. But, someday, we’re gonna have to revisit this conversation. Let’s hope it’s for a good reason.”

“Like what?” I asked, looking up at her.

“Well… like, maybe you and Natalie will get married someday,” she said, smiling down at me. “You might not need full-time, live-in help anymore if you had a wife and Mason had a stepmother.”

Sighing, I shook my head. “I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for that.”

“Why not?”

I watched a crow take flight from one of the fields nearby and felt my throat tighten. “Because,” I said, swallowing hard, “I think I’m about to break up with her.”

***