Chapter 22

Nick

I started regretting my decision to move in with Kevin the very first night, when my alarm went off at three a.m. Waking with a start, I fumbled around in the dark to find my phone and silence it before its high-pitched beeping woke up the whole house. I didn’t want to deal with a crying baby on top of taking care of Kevin in the middle of the night.

I sat up with difficulty, my body already stiff from curling up on the couch in Kevin’s office. But it was either that or share a bed with AJ, since he and Ann had already taken the two guest rooms. I couldn’t wait for Kevin’s mom to head home to Kentucky so I could have her bed.

But in the meantime, it was nice having her there to help with Kevin’s transition home. She had cooked dinner the night before and handled everything with Mason – feeding him, changing him, bathing him, and putting him to bed. AJ had helped Kevin get ready for bed around eleven, so I didn’t have to do anything except set my alarm.

Apparently, Kevin still had to be turned over in bed every two hours so he wouldn’t get a pressure sore from sleeping in the same position for too long. AJ was a night owl, so he had offered to stay up until one a.m. and turn him the first time. Ann was an early bird, so she said it would be no trouble for her to turn him at five and let in the caregiver who was scheduled to come at seven. That left me with the middle shift, which meant getting up at three in the morning.

I was so tired, it took every ounce of willpower I had not to just turn myself over and go back to sleep. But I knew Kevin was counting on me, so, groaning, I forced myself to get up from the couch. Using the glow of my phone screen to guide me, I turned on a lamp so I could actually see where I was going. I left the office door open, letting the light spill out into the hallway as I tiptoed down to his room.

I hesitated outside the closed door, not sure whether I should knock first or just go in. I settled for a light knock as I cracked it open and stuck my head inside. It was too dark to see much of anything. “Kev?” I called softly, aware of the fact that Mason’s nursery was right next door.

There was no response except for Kevin’s soft snores, so I shuffled into the room, relying on the faint light from the hall to find my way to his bed without turning on the overhead lights. I was doing fine until I misjudged the distance between myself and the foot of the bed and stubbed my big toe on the bottom of one of the metal legs. “Fuck!” I hissed, as a burst of white-hot pain shot through my toe.

“Nick?” I heard Kevin’s voice croak. “You okay?”

“Y-yeah… sorry.” I sank down on the edge of his bed and hitched my foot up off the floor, holding it between my hands as I rocked back and forth with the waves of pain that were radiating through it.

A lamp clicked on. “You sure you’re all right?”

I sucked in a deep breath as I examined my throbbing toe, expecting to see blood gushing from the tip of it. But there was no blood or other signs of damage – it wasn’t sticking out at a weird angle, and the toenail was still intact. “Yeah,” I replied, letting out my breath as I looked over at Kevin. He was lying on his back, his head lifted off the pillow so he could see me better. I realized the lamp on his bedside table had been turned on, brightening the room, but there was no way he could have reached it himself from that position. “Hey, how’d you turn on that light?

“Like this.” Kevin hit a red button that had been zip-tied to his bed rail with the side of his hand, and the lamp went out with another click. He hit it again, and the lamp came back on. “It’s one of those kinds you can connect to Christmas lights. My mom came up with it so I can turn the light on and off by myself. Isn’t she clever?”

“Hell yeah, she is. Sorry again for startling you awake.”

“It’s okay. One perk of being paralyzed: at least I’ll never feel the pain of stubbing my toe again.” He flashed me a crooked grin. I forced a laugh, not sure how to respond to that. “Anyway, thanks for getting up in the middle of the night to turn my sorry ass.”

“No problem,” I lied, pretending I hadn’t hated every minute of it. “Just tell me what I need to do.”

Kevin talked me through the process of rolling him onto his right side and repositioning his pillows to alleviate pressure points. I felt slightly uncomfortable putting my hands all over his body, which was naked except for the pair of boxer briefs he was wearing. It’s no different from the pool, I told myself, picturing us horsing around in the water with nothing but swim trunks on. But it was different. For one thing, Kevin felt a lot heavier now; I had to use both hands to lift his left leg on top of his right, tucking a pillow between his knees to prevent the bony parts from grinding against each other. Then there was the tube coming out from his undershorts, which connected to the piss bag hanging on the side of his bed. I didn’t want to look at it or touch it, but I had to make sure it didn’t get tangled or kinked as I was moving his legs. It was a lot to think about at three in the morning.

“You good, man?” I asked, once I had successfully moved Kevin onto his side, placed all his pillows where he wanted them, and pulled the covers back up over his body.

“Yeah – thanks, brother. You can go back to bed now.”

“Okay… um, goodnight.” I crept awkwardly out of his room. I felt bad just leaving him like that, but I supposed he wanted to go back to sleep, too. Sure enough, when I reached the hallway and turned to close the door behind me, I heard the lamp click off again, plunging the room into darkness.

As I walked down the hall, ducking into the bathroom to relieve my bladder before I went back to bed, I realized how lucky I was to be able to get up and move around in the middle of the night. Kevin would be stuck in bed until his caregiver came in the morning, or at least until his mom woke up. And while it must have been kind of nice not having to worry about getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I wouldn’t want to have a tube hanging out of me all the time. I would never take the ability to stand in front of the toilet to piss for granted again.

By the time I got back to Kevin’s office, I was wide awake. I couldn’t sleep, so I lay on the couch with the lamp still on, looking up at all the awards and album covers that were hanging on the walls. It made me sad to see pictures of Kevin in his prime, standing with the rest of us, then picture him the way he was now, wheelchair-bound, unable to get out of bed without help. He would probably never perform again, at least not like how he used to as a Backstreet Boy. That part of his life was over.

But at least his whole life isn’t over, I thought, trying to look on the bright side. It could have been so much worse. Kevin could have been killed in the crash along with Kristin. When I thought about how close I had come to losing my big brother, I realized I would rather wake up at three o’clock every morning to roll him over than wake up to a world without him.

That put my regrets to rest.

***

After a few more hours of tossing and turning on the couch, dozing without ever really falling into a deep sleep, I finally decided to get up. The smell of coffee lured me downstairs to the kitchen, where I found Ann sitting at the table with a fresh cup of it. She was feeding Mason breakfast in his high chair.

“Morning,” I greeted her.

“Good morning, Nick!” she replied brightly. “How’d you sleep?”

“Oh, fine,” I lied, not wanting her to feel bad. In a few days, she would be gone, and then I could have her bed.

“Good. Happy Easter!”

I forced a smile onto my face. “Happy Easter.” As far as holidays went, Easter wasn’t my favorite. It was for kids and Christians, but since I didn’t believe in the Easter Bunny anymore and had my doubts about Jesus, it had been years since I’d really celebrated it. It would be different spending the day with Kevin and Brian’s family, who were very religious. Brian and Leighanne had invited us all over to their place for an Easter brunch. “Is there any more coffee?” I asked Ann.

“On the counter.” She pointed to the coffeemaker. “I just brewed a pot. Help yourself!”

“Thanks.” I poured myself a cup and added a bit of creamer. “Is Kevin up yet?”

“Yes, the caregiver’s in with him now, helping him get ready for the day. They should be done soon.” She scooped a spoonful of something beige out of the baby food jar and offered it to Mason, who opened his mouth, apparently eager for more.

I sat down across from her and read the label on the jar. “Bananas, huh?” I said, turning to Mason. “Is that good stuff?”

The baby responded with a slobbery grin, as mashed banana oozed out of his mouth.

I chuckled. “I guess so!”

Ann smiled. “Would you like to try feeding him?” she asked, offering me the tiny spoon. “One of you will have to take this over after I leave because Kevin can’t do it – at least not very well.”

“Uh… sure.” I took the spoon from her and dipped it into the small jar of banana puree. It had been a long time since I’d last fed a baby. I used to help my mom with the twins when they were little, but Aaron and Angel were twenty years old now.

“Not too much,” Ann warned, as I loaded the spoon with banana. I scraped a little off on the side of the jar before I brought it up to Mason’s mouth. He opened it, and I awkwardly stuck the spoon in.

“There you go, buddy,” I said, as he swallowed a mouthful of the beige goo. “Good job!”

By the time Kevin came into the kitchen, Mason had polished off most of the jar. “Aww, would you look at that?” he said, smiling at the sight of me feeding his son. “You’re a natural, Nick!”

“I don’t know about that,” I laughed, as Mason turned his head to look at his dad, letting the last bite of banana foam back out of his mouth. Thankfully, most of it landed on the front of his bib.

“I do. You’re gonna be a great dad someday.”

“Ha! We’ll see…”

Kevin just kept smiling, like he knew something I didn’t. “Good morning, Mason!” he said, turning his attention to his son. As he rolled across the kitchen, a red-haired man appeared in the doorway behind him. I decided this must be the caregiver his mom had mentioned.

Ann moved her chair out of the way so Kevin could sit across from me. “How did everything go this morning?” she asked, looking curiously from him to the caregiver.

Kevin shrugged. “Fine.” He was fully dressed, at least, in a pale pink polo shirt that was perfect for Easter and a pair of khaki pants. His hair was styled a little differently from how he normally did it, but he looked good. “Nick, I want you to meet Erik.” He motioned toward the caregiver, waving him over. “Erik, this is my buddy Nick.”

“Nice to meet you, man,” said Erik, shaking my hand. There was water all down the front of his USC Trojans t-shirt. “My girlfriend used to be a big fan of you guys! If I bring over one of her old CDs sometime, you think you could sign it?”

“Yeah, sure.” I looked awkwardly across the table at Kevin, wondering how he would sign an autograph without control over his hands. Could he even hold a pen?

Kevin cleared his throat. “Well, Erik, I think we’ve got it from here. You’re welcome to take off any time, unless you wanna stay for some breakfast?”

“Thanks, but no thanks, man.” Erik grinned. “I’ve gotta head home and get myself ready for mass with the fam.”

“All right. I guess I’ll see you next weekend then. You got the security code and the spare key from my mom so you can let yourself in?”

Erik nodded, patting the pocket of his shorts. “Yup, got it right here. Sounds good, man; see you Saturday! Happy Easter, everyone!”

Ann stood up. “Thanks, Erik. I’ll walk you out.” She escorted him to the front door. When she came back, she looked at Kevin and asked, “So how did he do, really?”

“I told you, it was fine. For his first day, he did great. He’s a fast learner, like he said.”

“Good.” Ann nodded, but she didn’t look quite convinced.

I glanced back at Kevin. “Is it weird having another dude help you get dressed and stuff?”

He shrugged. “It was at first, but I guess I’ve gotten used to it after three months of living like this. Better than having my mom do it – no offense, Ma.”

Ann just shook her head.

“I hope he doesn’t go home and, like, describe your package in great detail to his girlfriend,” I said, grinning.

Kevin’s eyes widened, his face flushing bright red. “He better not!”

I snickered. “I’m just messing with you, bro. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure he wouldn’t really do that.”

“Do what?” AJ walked into the room, wearing the same rumpled t-shirt and shorts he’d had on the day before.

Kevin shook his head. “Never mind. Did you sleep well?”

“I slept great!” AJ exclaimed with a grin. “That bed of yours is really nice.”

“I know,” said Kevin dryly, rolling his eyes. “Rub it in, why don’t you?”

AJ laughed. That lucky bastard had gotten the guest room with Kevin’s old bed, a California king, while I was stuck sleeping on a couch.

“Right?” I added, siding with Kevin. “I think the sleeping arrangements should be based on height. I’m taller than AJ, so I should get the bed.”

“Aww, you wouldn’t make Kevin’s poor, sweet mother sleep on the couch, would you?” AJ put his arm around Ann’s shoulders with mock sympathy.

“Of course not,” I said quickly. “I wasn’t counting her in this. I meant between you and me, you’d fit better on the couch.”

“I can move to the couch,” Ann offered, looking at me, “if it’ll make you more comfortable. You do have longer legs.”

“No, no, I’m fine. I just gotta give AJ a hard time.” I glanced over at him. “You do know this little guy was conceived in that bed, right?” I said, pointing at Mason. I thought that might freak him out enough to make him trade with me.

AJ shrugged. “Nice try, but I don’t care. No offense, Kev.”

Kevin flashed a close-lipped smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. I immediately felt bad for indirectly bringing up Kristin. Kevin didn’t talk about her much, but he had to be thinking about her.

Ann cleared her throat. “How did you sleep, honey?” she asked her son.

“Not great, but I never do these days,” he replied. “It’s hard to get a good night’s sleep when you wake up every couple hours.”

“You were snoring pretty good when I went in to turn you over,” I said, snickering.

“Yeah, until you tripped over the bed and woke me up with your swearing,” he shot back with a wink. “How’s your toe this morning?”

I shrugged. “Still attached,” I said, taking a sip from my coffee mug.

“Well, that’s good.” Kevin looked around the kitchen. “Is there coffee already made?”

“Of course.” His mom jumped up from her chair. “I’ll get you a cup. Would you like one too, AJ?”

“Yeah, that’d be great – thanks!”

AJ and I finished our coffee, then went back upstairs to get ready for the day. By the time we came back downstairs, Ann had gotten Mason dressed up in a cute little outfit that included a plaid shirt and a pair of suspenders. “Now, I want plenty of pictures when we get to Brian and Leighanne’s,” she told Kevin, as we all piled into his van. “I’m sure they’ll have the place nicely decorated.”

Sure enough, Brian and Leighanne’s little bungalow looked plenty festive, with flower pots on the front porch and plastic Easter eggs everywhere. Ann insisted on stopping to take photos in the front yard before we even went inside the house. She took a few of Kevin, Brian, AJ, and me together, then handed me her camera so I could snap some of her with the rest of her family. She placed Mason in Kevin’s lap and stood behind his wheelchair with Brian, Leighanne, and Baylee, putting Kevin in the center of the picture. I could tell he felt uncomfortable by the forced look of his smile.

“Now let me get one with just Kevin and Mason,” said Ann, directing the impromptu photoshoot. I gave her back her camera and stood out of the way to watch while she took a close-up of Mason sitting in Kevin’s lap.

“Gotta love family photos,” I said to Kevin out of the side of my mouth once his mom had moved on to Brian, Leighanne, and Baylee.

Kevin sighed and shook his head. “Yeah… you know, maybe I’ll cherish these memories someday, but this sure isn’t how I imagined Mason’s first Easter would be. It feels wrong to take a family photo without Kristin.”

“I know,” I said sympathetically, even though I really had no idea how it felt. I had never been in his shoes. I could only imagine how hard it must be for him to fake a smile and try to act happy around the rest of his family while he was still grieving.

“All right, I think I’ve got enough,” Ann finally announced, tucking her camera back into her purse.

“Thank god,” Kevin muttered.

“Is it time for the egg hunt now?” Baylee asked loudly, looking around at the yard full of Easter eggs. We all laughed.

“Sure, bub,” said Leighanne, smiling. “Wait just one second while I grab the baskets. I’ll be right back.” She went inside the house and returned a minute later with two empty baskets, one for Baylee and one for Mason.

Baylee ran all around the yard, eagerly filling his basket with eggs, while Mason crawled across the grass to the closest egg, a bright orange one. He picked it up and immediately put one end in his mouth. “Keep an eye on him, Ma,” Kevin warned, frowning, as he watched from the paved walkway where he had parked his wheelchair. “Make sure he doesn’t choke on anything.”

“He’s fine,” she said, smiling at her grandson. “It’s too big to fit all the way in his mouth, and I don’t think he can get it open by himself.”

Kevin didn’t look convinced. “Mason, can you bring me the egg?” he called. He was holding Mason’s basket in his lap. “Bring it here, buddy!” But the baby seemed perfectly happy playing with his one plastic egg.

“Can I have that, Kev?” AJ grabbed the basket and knelt down in the grass next to Mason. “Put it in here… watch!” He took the egg out of Mason’s hand and dropped it into the basket. Mason immediately began to cry.

“Oh shit,” I swore under my breath, glancing at Kevin to see how he would react.

Kevin was shaking his head. “He literally just took candy away from a baby.”

A look of panic crossed AJ’s face. “No, wait… there’s another one over here, look!” He pointed to a pink egg laying a few feet away. It caught Mason’s eye and, still sniffling, he crawled toward it. Crisis averted.

Click. Ann had taken her camera back out and was snapping more pictures of AJ showing Mason how to hunt for eggs. As she followed them around the yard, Kevin hung back and watched with a wistful expression on his face. I’m not sure if he was afraid of getting his wheelchair stuck in the grass or just felt he wasn’t needed with five other adults and only two kids. Either way, I felt sorry for him and was glad when the egg hunt ended.

“Let’s go in and see what else the Easter Bunny brought!” Leighanne said brightly, leading the way into the house.

Brian had built a makeshift ramp out of plywood boards so Kevin could get up the two steps that led to the front door, but inside, it was cramped. The Littrells’ L.A. home was much smaller than the Georgia mansion where they lived most of the time, and there just wasn’t a lot of space for eight people, especially with one of them rolling around in an enormous power chair. Once Kevin managed to position himself at the dining room table, he pretty much had to stay put the rest of the time.

There were two Easter baskets waiting on the table. Apparently, Leighanne had put one together for Mason, too, which – even I had to admit – was really thoughtful of her. Again, Kevin could only watch as Ann went through it with him, showing him all the new toys, clothes, and baby snacks inside.

When it was time to eat, Brian and Leighanne sat down at either end of the table, with Kevin’s family on one side and Baylee, AJ, and me squeezed together on the other. Leighanne had cooked up an amazing assortment of food for brunch, including a honey-glazed ham that made my mouth water just looking at it. But before we could dig in, Brian had to say the blessing.

“Heavenly Father, we thank You for the food in front of us and the family and friends around our table,” he began as we all bowed our heads. “But most of all, we thank You for the gift of eternal salvation. Today we’ve gathered to celebrate the holy resurrection of Your Son, Jesus. His ascent into Heaven gives us hope that we, too, will get to spend eternity with You and our loved ones who have entered Your kingdom before us.”

I snuck a peek at Kevin across the table and saw tears trickling down his face.

“We ask You for comfort and strength for Kevin as he mourns the loss of his wife and adapts to his new life, and for our brother Howie as he deals with his dad’s illness. We pray for peace and healing for both the Dorough and Richardson families, but we have faith that their pain is only temporary. In Your name, we pray. Amen.”

“Amen,” everyone echoed.

“That was beautiful, Brian,” said Ann, smiling. She had tears in her eyes, too.

Brian smiled back. “Thank you. Now let’s eat!” He picked up the platter of twice-baked potatoes off the table in front of him and took one for himself. “Want one, Kev?”

Kevin nodded. “Please.”

Brian put a potato on his plate, too, then passed the platter across him to Ann. As the dishes went around the table, I loaded my plate with a little of everything – ham, eggs, potatoes, fruit salad, roasted asparagus, rolls – but I also watched Kevin out of the corner of my eye. He looked like a large child, being helped by both his parents: Brian bent over him, strapping the cuffs that held his fork and spoon onto his hands, while Ann was busy putting on his plate guard and cutting up his food for him. Even in smaller pieces, none of it was particularly easy for him to eat. While conversation flowed among the rest of us, Kevin remained quiet, concentrating on each bite. It took time and effort for him to get the food onto his fork and bring it up to his mouth. Just like at the restaurant, his plate was still half full when the rest of us were finished.

“Did you get enough to eat, hon?” Ann asked as she got up to help Leighanne clear the table.

“Yup,” said Kevin. “Everything was really good – thanks, Leighanne.”

Leighanne beamed. “You’re so welcome! We’re just glad you could join us. It was fun having Easter here in L.A. for a change!”

Brian took the utensils out of Kevin’s hands. “I’ll go wash these up real quick so you can reuse them for dessert. Leighanne made a carrot cake!”

“Yum. Thanks, cuz.” When both Littrells had left the room, Kevin looked across the table at AJ and me and said in a low voice, “I bet they can’t wait to get back to Georgia.”

I laughed because I had been thinking the same thing while Leighanne was gushing about how much she loved celebrating Easter in L.A. She was so fake. We all knew she and Brian hated Los Angeles; they only had a house here so they didn’t have to stay in a hotel for weeks at a time when we were working.

“Should I invite them to my show tonight?” AJ asked with a grin. I had almost forgotten about the two solo shows he had booked during what was supposed to have been a two-week break from the tour. “Just to give the fans a little taste of the solo music I’ve been working on,” he’d said when he had first told us about them.

Kevin raised his eyebrows. “On Easter Sunday? Scandalous!”

AJ snickered. “Maybe tomorrow night then.”

“No, tomorrow they’ll be too busy packing for their flight home on Tuesday,” I said. We all knew full well Brian and Leighanne would never go see AJ perform. They hadn’t come to any of my solo shows either.

“Ah, well… You sure you don’t wanna come, Kev?”

Kevin sighed. “Sorry, brother. I would love to, but I just don’t think I’m ready to face the fans. Not like this.”

“No worries, bro. What about you, Prick?” asked AJ, his eyes shifting to me.

“I’ll come tomorrow night,” I promised quickly. “I think tonight I’m just gonna stay home and chill with Kevin.” I glanced at Kevin to see his lips twitch into a tiny smile.

That evening, while AJ went off to do his show, Kevin and I watched a movie. When it was over, he yawned and said, “Well… I’m about ready to head up to bed. You mind helping me tonight?”

“Really?” I looked at my phone. “It’s only eight o’clock.”

“I know, but by the time I’m actually in bed, ready to sleep, it’ll be nine, and I’m tired. I tell ya, sitting in that wheelchair all day takes it out of me.” He shrugged. “I don’t know if it’s because I have less stamina than I used to or if it’s because I can’t get up and move around, but it makes me sleepy.”

“Huh. Well, okay. Let me grab your chair.” He’d had me move him to the couch to watch the movie, which was nice because, for a couple hours, we had both been able to pretend things were normal. Sitting next to me on the couch in the darkened family room, Kevin didn’t look any different. He didn’t look disabled. It was only once I got up and turned on the lights that our reality was revealed. For one thing, there was popcorn everywhere – all over the couch and all over the floor – because apparently poor Kevin couldn’t scoop it out of the bowl and bring it up to his mouth without dropping most of it.

“Well, shit,” he said, looking down at himself. “I made a damn mess. Sorry, Nick.”

“It’s okay – no big deal,” I replied, smiling at him. “I can run the vacuum and sweep this right up.”

“I can probably do it myself. There’s a Dustbuster in the hall closet, off the kitchen. Just grab me that.”

I snorted. “Don’t be silly, dude. I’ve got this.” I found the little handheld vacuum he had mentioned and used it to quickly suck up all the popcorn. I emptied it into the trash can in the kitchen, put the Dustbuster away, and went back into the family room, where I spotted Kevin’s wheelchair sitting behind one side of the big sectional couch. I pushed it around to the front of the couch, moving the coffee table out of the way so I could park it close to where Kevin was sitting. Then I put my arms under his to pick him up from the couch and lift him onto the seat of his chair. Even with his help, it wasn’t easy – he was heavier and I was weaker than either of us wanted to admit – but we managed. His legs shook with spasms as I picked up his feet and placed them on the footplates.

I went upstairs with him in the elevator. Ann had taken Mason up to bed half an hour earlier, and as we passed by his nursery, I could hear her singing softly to him through the closed door. That must be who Kevin got his musical talent from, I thought, smiling to myself. She had a nice voice.

That meant I was on my own for helping Kevin get ready for bed, which turned out to be much more than I had bargained for. I thought it was just a matter of helping him brush his teeth, undressing him, and moving him into the bed, but no, I also had to empty his catheter bag, disconnect it, and hook up what he called his “night bag,” a larger bag that could hold a whole night’s worth of piss. It wasn’t the most pleasant task, but it could have been worse.

“How do you know if you have to take a shit?” I asked him after he’d talked me through the process of changing his catheter bag. That was something I had been wondering for a while, but I hadn’t worked up the courage to ask before.

“I don’t,” he said flatly. “I can’t feel anything down there.”

“Oh. Well, how does that work then?” I had assumed he wore Depends or one of those colostomy bags that collect poop, but looking down at him in his boxer briefs, I didn’t see anything like that.

Kevin looked slightly embarrassed, but he answered my question. “It’s called a bowel program.” Patiently, he explained: “Basically, I had to train my body to go at the same time every other day so I don’t have an accident. That’s something the caregivers who come over in the morning will help me with.”

Help you how? I wondered, but decided I didn’t need to know the specifics, as long as it wasn’t something he was expecting me to do. At least I didn’t have to change any adult diapers. “So what about your dick?” I asked instead, figuring I might as well get my other curiosities out in the open while we were both being so candid. “Does it… I mean, can you…?”

“Can I get it up?” He smirked. “I don’t know. It hasn’t happened yet, but my doctor said it may be possible. To be honest, I haven’t tried.”

“You haven’t?” I felt like that would have been one of the first things I tried to figure out if I was in his position.

Kevin shook his head. “It’s like my sex drive died with Kristin,” he said quietly. “With her gone, I just don’t care anymore. I’m never gonna sleep with another woman, so what does it matter if I can still get a boner or not?”

“You don’t know that. I know it’s too soon right now, but you may meet someone down the road. You’re still young. You could fall in love again… get remarried…” I realized I sounded just like him telling me I might change my mind about getting married and starting a family someday.

He just snorted. “Even if I was ready for that, what woman would wanna marry me now? I’d worry she was only in it for the money.”

I frowned. “Well, now you’re just feeling sorry for yourself. You still have a lot to offer besides money. Your personality hasn’t changed, and neither have your looks. Any woman would be lucky to have you.”

I don’t know if Kevin believed me, but at least he stopped beating up on himself. “Thanks, Nick,” he said, a brief smile flickering across his lips.

“You’re welcome.”

The next thing I had to do was help him stretch. He told me how to hold his legs in different positions and pull on his fingers to straighten out his hands. “Sorry, but what’s the point of all this?” I asked, pushing one of his knees up to his chest as he lay on his back on the bed. “Is it supposed to help you learn how to walk again?”

“No. It’s just to keep my muscles from tightening up too much. The more flexibility and range of motion I have, the more independent I can be. I may never walk again, but I hope I can learn to do some of this other stuff by myself. Then I won’t need as much help as I do now.”

“Oh. That makes sense, I guess.”

Kevin gave me a reassuring smile. “This is all still pretty new to me, too. There’s a lot to learn when you’re suddenly thrown into this world of paralysis.”

“Yeah… I probably should have taken that caregiver class AJ took, huh?” I wished I had gone with him earlier that week so I could have at least learned some of this stuff beforehand.

“It’s okay. You’re doing great,” said Kevin. “I really appreciate you being here and helping me like this, Nick. I know you’d rather be anywhere else right now, but-”

“No I wouldn’t,” I interrupted him. “I don’t mind. Really. It was nice spending Easter with your family. Better than being alone, anyway.”

I wasn’t lying to him this time; I meant every word. As weird as this was, I liked feeling helpful and needed. For the first time in my life, I had a purpose besides entertaining people. I was doing something that really mattered, making a positive difference in my friend’s life.

I tried to remind myself of that when my alarm went off at three a.m. again, but it was hard not to grumble to myself as I got up to go roll Kevin over. This time, I turned on the light before I stumbled into his bedroom so I could actually see where I was going. I thought the bright light would wake him up, but he was still sound asleep when I got to his bed.

“Kev?” I whispered, but he continued to snore. He always had been a heavy sleeper. I cleared my throat and tried calling his name again, a little louder. “Kevin?”

This time, he let out a moan and smacked his lips. “Kristin?” he murmured, his eyelids fluttering.

I swallowed hard. “No… it’s me, Nick.”

I saw the disappointment in his eyes when they finally opened and focused on my face. “Oh man… I was having such a nice dream,” he said, his voice thick with phlegm.

“About Kristin?”

He frowned. “Yeah. How’d you know?”

“You said her name.” I paused. “Do I even wanna know what it was about?”

One corner of his mouth curved upwards. “Nothing dirty. It’s always the same – just the two of us, dancing together. I wish I could stay asleep.” His crooked smile faded.

My heart ached for him. “I’m sorry. I wish I could stay asleep, too,” I admitted, “but I don’t want you to get a bedsore. So I’ll make this quick, and then you can go back to sleep and keep dreaming.”

I rolled him over and repositioned his pillows as I had the night before. “Thanks, Nick,” he whispered, hugging one of the pillows against his chest. I wondered if he was pretending it was Kristin.

“No problem,” I said, patting his shoulder as I pulled the covers back up over him. “Sweet dreams.” Then I padded carefully out of his room and went back to my bed on the couch.

***