Nick
“I think Kevin’s depressed,” AJ said out of the blue one morning, about a week after we had moved in with him. We were drinking coffee at the kitchen table, watching Mason make a mess with the scrambled eggs I had cooked for breakfast and waiting for Kevin to finish with his caregiver, Greg.
“Well, of course he’s depressed,” I said, looking up at AJ in surprise. “Wouldn’t you be?”
“Yeah, but… I dunno, I guess I just thought he had adjusted better than he actually has.”
“Why, did something happen?”
Craning his neck, AJ checked both doorways to make sure the coast was clear before he answered. “When I went in to turn him last night, he was crying,” he said in a low voice. “I thought he was in pain or something, but he just said he missed Kristin.”
I nodded. “He told me he dreams about her. And in his dreams, he can still walk… dance… do all the things he used to do. I’d be depressed, too, if I had to wake up and discover that was all just a dream.”
“I know. I just… I feel bad for him.” AJ sighed. “I wish there was a way we could cheer him up.”
“What did you have in mind?”
“I dunno,” he said with a shrug. “I’d love to take him out and do something fun, but…”
“He never wants to go anywhere.”
AJ nodded. “Exactly.”
I took a sip of my coffee as I looked around the kitchen. It had been just over a week since Kevin had come home, and other than a few trips back to the rehab center for therapy, he hadn’t left the house. AJ and I had tried to talk him into going out to lunch or taking Mason to play at the park, but every time, he turned us down, claiming it would be too much of a hassle. But I knew what the real reason was: he was still self-conscious, worried about being stared at or recognized in public. I didn’t blame him, but staying home all the time wasn’t going to help him get over his fear.
“What about Jenn’s birthday party on Friday?” I suggested. “Maybe we can get him to go out and have a few drinks with us. That would loosen him up a little. And then we could both go for a while.”
Our manager, Jenn, was turning twenty-nine that weekend. We would have been celebrating her birthday in Europe, but since we had postponed the tour, her husband had reserved a few tables for her friends at a local nightclub. AJ and I were both invited, but we had been debating what to do about Kevin. We couldn’t leave him home alone with Mason, which meant one of us would have to stay back while the other one went out. Since AJ didn’t drink anymore, I thought he should volunteer to stay home, but he insisted he was closer friends with Jenn and wanted to go. If we could just convince Kevin to come with us, it would solve the problem.
“He’ll never go,” said AJ, shaking his head. “He doesn’t know Jenn as well as we do. And what would we do with Mason?”
We both glanced over at Kevin’s son, who was happily pushing little pieces of scrambled egg around his plate.
“Hire a babysitter? Kevin’s got that girl who watches him, the one who was here when we brought him home last weekend.” I paused, as a lightbulb went off in my head. “Hey, maybe we could just have her come stay here with them both while we go out.”
AJ met my eyes again. “You mean hire a teenage girl to babysit Kevin? Yeah, I’m sure that’ll go over well.”
“Isn’t that basically what we’re doing here?”
“It’s not babysitting if you’re family, Nick,” he snapped, his eyes flashing. “And that’s what we are. We’re Kevin’s brothers, Mason’s uncles – not fucking babysitters.”
“Yeah, well, whatever you wanna call this, it was your idea, not mine. So if Kevin doesn’t wanna go on Friday, I think you should be the one to stay home with him.”
AJ rolled his eyes. “Fine, Nick. Whatever. God forbid you give up one night of fun for someone else, you selfish prick.”
“Selfish?!” I jumped up from the table, pushing my chair back so forcefully, it tipped over and fell to the floor. “Who the fuck are you calling selfish? I gave up my whole fucking life to stay here!”
AJ snorted. “Only because you got guilt-tripped into it. Like you said, it was my idea, not yours.”
“Oh yeah, you’re a fucking saint, AJ! If only we could all be as goddamn perfect as you!”
“Lower your voice!” he hissed, as Mason began to bawl. “Look, you made him cry. You better hope Kevin can’t hear us from his room, or he’s gonna wonder what we’re doing to his kid down here.”
I didn’t have anything to say back to that. I felt bad for scaring the baby, but I was still fuming as I bent down to pick up my chair.
AJ stood up and scooped Mason out of his high chair. “It’s okay, buddy,” he cooed, holding him close and rubbing the back of his head to comfort him. “Uncle Nicky just needs to learn how to control his temper.”
“Fuck you, AJ,” I spat, flashing my middle finger at him. I stomped over to the sink and dumped the rest of my coffee down the drain, then stormed out of the kitchen.
Kevin was just coming out of his bedroom with Greg when I went back upstairs. “Hey, good morning, Nick!” Greg greeted me in the hallway with a big grin.
I forced a smile back, hoping my face wasn’t flushed enough for Kevin to notice I was upset. I could feel the blood rushing through my head as my heart hammered against my rib cage, but I tried to keep my voice calm and casual. “Hey, how’s it goin’?”
“It’s goin’,” Kevin grunted. He was dressed in his usual sweats, his hair still damp from his shower.
“Opening Day today!” Greg said brightly, pointing to his blue and gray Dodgers t-shirt. “You a baseball fan, Nick?”
I shrugged. “Not really. I follow football more.”
“Well, the Dodgers play the Giants at 1:30 if you get bored and want something to watch this afternoon. Big rivalry series to kick off the season!”
“Yeah, maybe we will,” I said, glancing at Kevin. He would be done with his therapy by then. I remembered what AJ had said about wanting to cheer him up. “We could throw some hot dogs on the grill for lunch and listen to the game outside. It looks like it’s gonna be a beautiful day.”
“Sure, man, sounds good,” Kevin muttered without much enthusiasm. He wheeled into the elevator, and I went to my room to shower and get dressed for the day.
I stayed upstairs until it was time to take Kevin to therapy, trying to avoid AJ. When I finally went back downstairs, I found them both in the family room. AJ was sitting cross-legged on the rug with Mason, playing with his Little People farm set, while Kevin watched from his wheelchair. Annoyed as I was with AJ, I couldn’t help but crack a smile when I heard him making animal noises, mooing as he moved the little cow around the barnyard.
“Hey Mason, what’s a chicken say?” Kevin asked. He was holding the rooster in his hand and making it hop awkwardly across his lap. Mason looked up, but didn’t answer. “Bwok-bwok-BWOK!” Kevin clucked.
I felt the smile stretch further across my face as I hovered in the doorway, watching the scene unfold. It was nice to see Kevin having fun with his son, even if he couldn’t get down on the floor and play the way I imagined he had before his accident.
Mason crawled toward him, the farmer clutched tightly in one hand. He planted his other hand on the footplate of Kevin’s chair and used it to push himself up, clawing at Kevin’s legs to gradually pull himself into a standing position.
“Look at you, buddy!” Kevin grinned, as Mason teetered on his chubby, little legs. “You’re gettin’ so big…”
“He really is,” I agreed, as I stepped into the room.
Kevin glanced up when he heard my voice. “Hey, Nick. Is it time to go?”
“Yeah, almost.”
AJ looked up, too. “Are you taking him to therapy today, or am I?”
“I will. I wanna get some groceries. Besides,” I said, tipping my head toward Mason’s toys, “it looks like you’ve got a lot left to do on the farm.”
AJ let out a weak chuckle. “All right. I’ll hold down the fort here while you guys are gone.”
“Sounds good. Thanks, brother,” said Kevin. Secretly, I hoped his kid would drop a big, steamy load of diarrhea in his diaper while AJ was home alone with him. But knowing AJ, he would just leave it for me to clean up when I came back.
I grabbed the keys to Kevin’s van and helped him get strapped into the back. I felt like a chauffeur with no one riding up front with me, and I guess technically I was, shuttling Kevin to and from the rehab center a few times a week. I turned up the radio and sang along to the classic rock songs that played during the drive, missing the days when Kevin’s voice would blend with mine. I hadn’t heard him sing since before his accident. But he stayed silent in the back seat, staring out the window as we sped down the freeway.
After I dropped him off at the rehab center, I headed to the grocery store a few blocks away to get some food for a little backyard barbecue later. I bought hot dogs, buns, and all the fixings, since I couldn’t remember what condiments Kevin already had in his fridge. At the deli counter, I picked up a pound of pasta salad and a pound of potato salad. Then I went down the snack aisle to grab a few bags of chips. I added a case of beer to my cart, as well. Just because AJ was sober didn’t mean Kevin and I couldn’t still drink.
I got back to the rehab center well before Kevin’s therapy was supposed to end. Rather than wait in the van, I walked inside, wondering if they would let me watch. I was curious to see what went on at one of these sessions. “Hey, Gio,” I said, recognizing the dark-haired receptionist at the front desk.
She glanced up from her computer, her eyes brightening when she saw me. “Hi, Nick! Are you here to pick up Kevin?”
What else would I be doing here? I thought, but I just smiled and said, “Yeah, but I’m early. Do you think I could sit in on the rest of his therapy session?”
“Sure, as long as he and his therapist don’t mind,” Gio replied, shrugging. “I’ll take you to the therapy room.”
She led me down a long hallway to a different wing of the hospital than the one where Kevin’s room had been and poked her head through an open doorway. “Yep, he’s in here. Come on in.”
I followed her into a large room filled with padded tables, mats, and exercise equipment. There were several other patients working with therapists. I saw a woman with braces on her legs taking wobbly steps between a pair of parallel bars on one side of the room. Nearby, a young man was practicing walking up and down a set of wooden stairs on his prosthetic leg. A woman in scrubs was helping an older man move out of his wheelchair onto one of the padded tables in the middle of the room. And in the far corner sat Kevin in his wheelchair with his back turned to me. A young man in a polo shirt and dress pants stood in front of him, watching whatever he was doing in his chair.
Gio escorted me over to them. “Hi, Kevin! I’ve got someone here who wants to observe if you guys are okay with it.”
Kevin had been bent over a tray in his lap, a look of deep concentration on his face, but when he looked up and saw me standing there, his frown faded into a smile. “Well, hey there. Ellis, meet Nick, my brother from another mother. Nick, this is my occupational therapist, Ellis.”
“Nice to meet you,” I said, shaking the other man’s hand. “Do you mind if I watch you work for a while?”
“Not at all,” Ellis replied. “What do you say, Kevin?”
Kevin shrugged. “Fine by me. Have a seat, brother.” He gestured toward the padded table he was parked beside. As I perched on the edge of it, I noticed a pile of painted, wooden blocks lying next to me. They were all different shapes and sizes – cylinders and prisms, both thick and thin. “We’re working on my grasp today,” he added, reaching over to the table to try to wrap his fingers around one of the larger rectangular prisms.
Watching him, I quickly caught on to what the task was. The wooden tray in his lap had a series of slots to hold the different shapes upright. Kevin had to pick up each one and put it in the correct slot without dropping it. It reminded me of one of the toys Mason had at home, a box with cutouts to fit differently-shaped blocks through. But of course I didn’t tell Kevin that, not wanting him to feel even more like a baby than he already did.
“Kevin’s practicing a technique called tenodesis,” Ellis explained as Kevin fumbled with the block, sliding it across the table toward himself and turning it over in his effort to get it into his hand. “As you’re probably aware, his fingers are completely paralyzed, so he can’t voluntarily open and close them to pick up objects. Instead, he uses his wrists to trigger passive movement. See, when you extend your wrist, it shortens the tendons that control your fingers, causing them to naturally curl.” He held out his own arm palm-down to demonstrate, flipping his wrist upward so that the back of his hand was perpendicular to the top of his forearm.
I tried it myself, and sure enough, my fingers curled without me consciously making them bend. “Hey, that’s pretty cool.”
“Right? So wrist extension allows him to grasp objects. To release, he uses wrist flexion. When he flexes his wrist the opposite way, his fingers will straighten and relax. Watch…”
Kevin had finally managed to pick up the block. I watched him bring it over to his tray and carefully lower it into its slot before flexing his wrist to let it go. “Good job, bro!” I cheered him on.
“Like anything, this will get easier with experience, so I encourage you to practice whenever you can at home,” Ellis told Kevin. “Try it first, before you ask for help. Don’t let others do for you what you can do for yourself. That’s how you’ll become more independent over time.”
Kevin nodded. “I’m all for that. I love my brothers, but I don’t want ‘em livin’ with me forever, you know?” He winked at me as he reached for another block. “We all need our independence.”
I thought about that on the drive back to Kevin’s house. It made me feel guilty for griping to AJ about going out on Friday. Regardless of whether we went to Jenn’s birthday celebration, I knew, eventually, we would both be able to return to our old lives. AJ would move back into his own house in Los Feliz, and I would head to my new home in Tennessee, where I could enjoy all the freedom and independence I wanted. But for Kevin, there was no going back to the way things were before. His life had been forever changed. It was up to me and AJ to show him that it could still be good, even though things were different now.
When we got back to Kevin’s place, I pulled into the narrow driveway, passed through the privacy gate, and parked the van in the garage. “Hey, can you help me bring in the groceries?” I asked Kevin, as he guided his chair carefully down the ramp.
I saw a flicker of surprise flash across his face before he answered, “Sure!” Smiling to myself, I continued around to the back of the van to open the trunk. Maybe Kevin just needed to feel useful again. I set the grocery bags in his lap and carried the case of beer in myself. He helped me unload everything in the kitchen, using his grasping skills to hand me each item one by one. It took a lot longer than if I had just done it myself, but I tried to be patient, remembering what the occupational therapist had told him about the need to practice so he could become more independent. I put the beer in the fridge and spread all the food out on the counter.
“Potato salad, too?” said Kevin, picking up the last container between his balled hands and holding it out for me to take. “You did good, Nick; this all looks great. I had no idea you knew how to shop for groceries.”
I laughed, not sure whether he was joking or being serious. “Dude, I’ve been living on my own for, like, a decade. What do you think I’ve been doing for food all this time?”
“I dunno, ordering takeout? I thought you did that Nutrisystem diet where all the meals get delivered to your door.”
“Well, yeah, but I do know how to fend for myself, too.” I paused, my eyes falling on the package of hot dogs. “You just might have to show me how to work your grill.”
He chuckled. “I think I can manage that.”
We went out to the patio, where Kevin talked me through firing up his fancy gas grill. By the time AJ brought Mason outside, I had the hot dogs roasting over the flames. “Smells good,” he said, sniffing the air. “Just don’t let ‘em burn, bro. I like grill marks, but I don’t wanna be picking pieces of charred, black hot dog skin out from between my teeth later, you know?”
I rolled my eyes as I opened the cover to check on the hot dogs. “Why do you guys all assume I have, like, zero life skills?” I asked, as I turned them over with a pair of tongs. “I didn’t burn the eggs this morning, did I? I know what I’m doing. Kind of.”
AJ chuckled. “No, your eggs were actually decent. I dunno; I guess we just forget you’re grown up sometimes. You’ll always be the baby of the group to us,” he added, playfully pinching my cheek. He acted like he’d forgotten all about our argument that morning, but a part of me was still angry at him for calling me selfish, after everything I had done for Kevin and Mason in the past week.
“That may be true, but we shouldn’t treat you like a baby,” Kevin spoke up behind us. I turned to see him frowning at me from his chair. “I’m sorry for patronizing you earlier about getting groceries, Nick. You’re a grown-ass man, and you deserve to be treated as one.”
“It’s okay,” I said with an awkward laugh, surprised at how serious he looked. “I wasn’t really offended. I can take a joke.”
“I know, but we really do need to stop acting like you’re still a kid and start treating you like the adult you are.” His eyes shifted from me to AJ, who nodded. I couldn’t help but wonder if this was coming from a place of insecurity about being treated like a baby himself. Kevin needed almost as much care as Mason, but I knew he didn’t want to be coddled.
“Well, thanks.” I smiled at him. “I hope this doesn’t mean I have to start acting like an adult all the time, though. ‘Cause that’s no fun.”
He laughed. “Just be yourself, little brother. We love you the way you are.”
“Right back at ya, bro,” I replied, locking eyes with him, hoping he understood what I really meant. Sometimes it was still hard for me to see him in his wheelchair and not feel sorry for him. I had to remind myself that, although his body had changed, he was still the same old Kev on the inside. “Hey, you ready for a beer?”
Kevin glanced at AJ again. “Will it bother you if we drink in front of you?”
He shook his head. “Nah, I don’t mind. You deserve a drink.”
Funny, AJ never said that to me. I left him in charge of the grill and went inside to grab a couple cans of cold beer. I put Kevin’s in a koozie so it would be easier for him to hold, popped the tab, and stuck a straw in so he didn’t have to tip it to take a drink. Living with him for the past week, I had learned lots of little tricks to make things more accessible for him.
“Thanks,” he said, as I handed it to him. “Actually, can you set this down on one of the side tables and help me transfer to that chair?” He waved his hand toward one of the wicker chairs in his set of patio furniture. “It’d be nice to get out of this wheelchair for a while.”
“Sure. You want your transfer board?”
“Nah… it’s all the way upstairs, and besides, that chair’s a lot lower than mine, so I’m not sure it’ll help much. Just lift me, if you don’t mind.”
“I don’t mind.” I had gotten pretty good at helping him out of his chair and onto his bed or the couch. He parked his chair close to the one he wanted to sit in, and I prepared him for the transfer, unfastening his seatbelt, scooting him forward to the edge of his seat, swinging his foot plates out of the way, and putting his feet on the ground. Then he hooked his arms over my shoulders as I squatted in front of him and wrapped mine around his back. “Ready? One… two… three.” On my count, I pulled him up into a standing position. He clung to me, his legs shaking with spasms, as I pivoted to the side and carefully lowered him into the cushy wicker chair. “How’s that feel?” I asked, shifting his weight backwards until he was sitting upright with his back resting against the cushion.
Kevin shrugged. “Comfortable enough. Thanks, Nick.”
“No problem. Can you reach your drink?”
He twisted his upper body toward the side table I’d set his beer on and carefully picked up the can between his two fists. “Yeah, it’s fine,” he said, taking a sip through the straw.
I smiled. “Are you warm enough? Want a blanket or anything?” It was only sixty degrees outside. He was wearing a sweatshirt, but I remembered how his body didn’t respond to temperature the same way as before.
“Actually, a blanket would be nice,” he answered sheepishly. “Sorry for being such a pain in the ass.”
“It’s no problem,” I repeated. “I’ll go grab one.”
I went inside and got a fleece throw from the couch in the family room. “Thanks,” said Kevin, as I draped it over his lap.
“You good?”
“Yeah… I’m good.”
I nodded, accepting his answer, but in the back of my mind, I remembered what AJ had said that morning. “I think Kevin’s depressed.” Was he actually good? Content? Happy? Or was he just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear?
How could he ever really be ‘good’ again? I wondered. His wife’s dead, and he’s paralyzed, probably for the rest of his life. But then I realized the definition of the word “good” must have changed for Kevin when everything else in his world changed. It was all relative. Maybe he wasn’t “good” in the same way he had been before the accident, and maybe he would never be good that way again, but at that particular moment, he was okay – as good as he was going to get for now. And wasn’t that our goal for today?
“Hey, I hope you guys are getting hungry!” AJ called from the grill. “These dogs are done.”
“Perfect timing,” I said, my stomach growling. The baseball game was about to start. I turned up the radio a little, listening to the commentators describe the starting pitcher as he took his place on the mound.
AJ piled the hot dogs onto a plate to take inside. “Can I fix you a plate, Kev?” he asked, as he carried it past us.
“Yeah, that’d be great – thanks.”
“How about Mason? Can he have a hot dog?”
“It has to be cut up in little pieces, or he could choke,” I said wisely.
Kevin looked at us like we were both idiots, his brows raised, eyes wide. “No, he can’t have a hot dog, cut up or whole. He’s only nine months old! He doesn’t have enough teeth to chew something like that, even cut into tiny pieces. Christ…” He shook his head, probably second-guessing himself for trusting the two of us to take care of his kid.
“Oh… my bad. Yeah, I guess Aaron and Angel were probably a little older when my parents started giving them hot dogs,” I said, scratching my head as I tried to remember that far back.
AJ just shrugged. “Honestly, I had no idea. That’s why I asked.”
“It’s okay,” said Kevin, his face relaxing. “I’m glad you did. Better stick with baby food chicken or something for now. You could try giving him a bit of pasta or potato salad; just make sure you mash or cut up any big chunks.”
“Got it.” AJ went in to get the food ready while I hung outside with Kevin, keeping an eye on Mason as he played on the patio rug. Between the hot grill and the inground pool, Kevin’s backyard wasn’t exactly the most baby-friendly space. Thankfully, AJ thought to bring Mason’s high chair outside so we could keep him contained while we ate.
“Mmm,” I said, as I swallowed my first bite. “I haven’t had a hot dog in forever. This may not be the healthiest choice, but it tastes a hell of a lot better than most of those Nutrisystem meals.” I caught Kevin’s eye, and he smiled.
“You know, life’s too short to eat healthy all the time,” he said, looking down at the plate resting on his knees. “Enjoy your hot dog. Hell, have two of ‘em if you want.” He picked up his own hot dog between his hands and brought it up to his mouth. Mustard and relish oozed out of the bun as he took a big bite.
“Amen, brother,” added AJ, spearing a piece of potato with his fork.
“I hope that applies to beer, too,” I said before tipping back my can and taking a long swig.
Of course, AJ didn’t laugh, but I was surprised when Kevin didn’t say anything either. Setting my beer down on the coffee table in front of me, I glanced over at him and saw him staring back at me, his eyes bulging. As his mouth gaped open without making a sound, I suddenly realized something was wrong.
“Kev?” I rose from my seat and knelt down in front of him, never taking my eyes off his face. “Kev, you okay?”
He shook his head. The half-eaten hot dog fell into his lap as he flung his hands toward his throat, confirming what I had feared.
“Oh my god… he’s choking!”
AJ jumped up, too, his plate falling onto the patio. “Fuck… what do we do?!”
My mind raced as I stared at Kevin, momentarily frozen with panic. In the background, I heard Mason start wailing. He must have been startled by our raised voices, or maybe he understood, based on our reactions, that something bad was happening to his dad. We couldn’t let Kevin choke to death in front of his own kid.
As Mason cried, something clicked in my brain, and I snapped back into action, remembering what we were supposed to do. I had never had any formal training on how to do the Heimlich maneuver, but I tried to mimic what I’d seen on TV. I scrambled to the opposite side of Kevin’s chair and attempted to wrap my arms around him from behind, but quickly realized it wasn’t going to work with him sitting down. The big wicker chair back was in my way. I couldn’t reach him well enough to do an abdominal thrust, and he couldn’t stand up to give me more room.
“I’m gonna call 911!” AJ ran inside while I stood behind Kevin, watching his shoulders hunch as he struggled to breathe. As he slumped forward, I slapped his back, but it didn’t seem to help. I hit him harder, telling myself it wouldn’t hurt him, since he couldn’t feel it anyway. Then I recalled that he also couldn’t cough well enough to clear his own airway. Maybe that was all it would take.
I remembered AJ showing me at the rehab center how he had learned to help Kevin cough by pushing on his stomach. It had looked kind of like the Heimlich, only performed from the front. I hurried back around the chair so I was facing Kevin, who was still doubled over, his arms flailing as he fought for air. I grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him back against the seat cushion so he was sitting upright again. His face was bright red, almost purple. Tears were streaming from his eyes as they stared up at me, wide with terror, silently pleading. I could see my own fear reflected in them, but I took a deep breath, trying to stay calm for both our sakes.
“Hang on, bro,” I told him. “I’m gonna try from the front.”
I placed both hands in the center of his stomach, just below his rib cage, and pressed hard and fast. I felt the chair tilt backwards as I forced Kevin’s body further into the cushion. I let go, afraid I was going to tip the whole thing over with him in it, but as it fell back onto its front legs, Kevin’s mouth continued to move soundlessly, like a fish out of water. His eyes looked glassy, and his lips were turning blue. In the back of my mind, I wondered how long it had been since he’d last taken a breath. A minute? Two? And where the hell was AJ?
My eyes darted around the patio, my heart pounding frantically in my chest. I felt like I was in a race against time. For each second Kevin went without oxygen, his life slipped further away, like sand falling through an hourglass.
Think! I told myself, trying to focus on the task at hand and not waste time worrying about what would happen a few minutes from now if I didn’t manage to dislodge whatever was blocking his windpipe. I needed a harder surface to brace him against, one that wouldn’t give way when I applied force. My eyes landed on the flagstones beneath my feet. “Kev, I’ve gotta get you on the ground,” I said, yanking the blanket off his lap and letting it fall to the patio floor.
I didn’t worry about counting down or bending from my knees this time. I just threw my arms around him and hoisted him out of the chair, grunting as I tried to lower his body to the ground without hurting him. I lay him flat, then straddled his spasming legs and leaned over him, pressing my hands into his belly. I pushed down hard once… twice… and on the third try, I heard him cough, as something flew out of his open mouth and hit me on the forehead. It was warm and wet, mushy against my fingers as I reached up to wipe it away.
The back door slammed as AJ reappeared on the patio, his phone in his hand. “The ambulance is on its way! Is he breathing?”
We both looked down at Kevin, who was taking ragged breaths, his chest rising and falling rapidly as air rattled in and out of his lungs. “Tell them… not to… come,” he wheezed. His voice was hoarse, but I was happy just to hear him speak. “I’m… okay now.”
AJ repeated this information to the dispatcher. “I’m gonna get him some water,” he said, disappearing back into the house.
I climbed off of Kevin and knelt next to him. Knowing he couldn’t sit up on his own, I slid my hand under his shoulder and pulled him into a semi-recumbent position. “Dude, you scared the shit out of me.” I let out a shaky breath as I cradled him in my arms. We were both covered in soggy bits of hot dog, mustard, and drool, but I didn’t care. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
He nodded, reaching up to wipe his eyes with the side of his hand. Tears were still trickling down his cheeks, but some color had come back into his face. “I’m fine… just embarrassed.” As he caught his breath, he started to sound more like himself. “I can’t believe I almost choked to death on a damn hot dog. After all that crap I gave you guys about wanting to feed Mason one… I guess some grown men can’t handle them either.”
I laughed, as tears of relief sprang to my own eyes. “Well, I guess that’s karma for you. But seriously, dude, don’t be embarrassed. It could have happened to any of us.”
“But it didn’t. It happened to me,” he replied bitterly, deep wrinkles appearing above his brow. “I hate this!”
I was so happy he was all right, I didn’t understand where his sudden anger was coming from. “Hate what?”
“This body. This life. All of it!” he spat. “Nothing works the way it did before. Now I can’t even enjoy a meal without worrying I’m gonna choke on my food. I felt it go down the wrong pipe, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. I couldn’t cough… couldn’t clear my throat… nothing. If y’all hadn’t been here, I would have died.” He paused, looking pitiful with fresh tears and snot running down his face. I thought he was about to thank me for saving his life, but instead, I heard him mutter, “Maybe you should have just let me die.”
I stared at him, remembering again what AJ had told me that morning. “You don’t really mean that, do you?”
Kevin closed his eyes. “I dunno. I really hate living like this. I don’t wanna be this way for the rest of my life.”
“Maybe you won’t be. Look at how much you’ve improved already! I mean, you couldn’t move anything right after your accident, remember? And now, not only can you move your arms, but you’re learning how to use your hands again! It’s only gonna get better from here, dawg. You can’t give up now. You’ve got a lot of life left to live… and so much to live for.” I looked back at Mason, who was watching us from his high chair. His frightened sobs had softened into sniffles. “Think about your son. You wouldn’t leave Mason alone in the world, would you?”
Before Kevin could answer, AJ came back with a cup of water. He sank down next to me and guided the straw to Kevin’s lips. As Kevin sipped, I heard a siren in the distance. It was faint at first, but it grew steadily louder. Kevin’s eyes widened as he looked up at AJ. “You did tell 911 not to come, didn’t you?”
AJ shrugged. “I told the lady you were all right, but she’d already sent an ambulance,” he replied sheepishly. “I guess I should go meet it at the gate, huh?”
“Damn it, AJ!” Kevin croaked, as AJ walked away.
“Dude, relax,” I said, resting my hand on his shoulder. “They just wanna make sure you’re okay.”
He shook his head. “I swear to god, if the media gets wind of this… What if his 911 call goes viral, and the whole world finds out I choked on a fucking hot dog?”
I fought the urge to laugh, knowing he didn’t mean to be funny. “Don’t worry about that. Everything’s gonna be fine.”
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah… right.”
AJ returned a few minutes later with two paramedics in tow. They examined Kevin as he assured them over and over again that he was all right. I’m sure he was glad they hadn’t been there to overhear him talking about not wanting to live anymore. They finally agreed that he didn’t need to be taken to the hospital and brought him a form to sign, saying he had declined any further medical treatment. I put the pen in his left hand, closing his fingers around it, and he scribbled a curvy line across the bottom that looked nothing like his old signature.
After the ambulance left, AJ and I helped him back into his chair and picked up the food that had spilled all over the patio. I offered to fix Kevin another plate, but he shook his head, claiming he wasn’t hungry. I didn’t try to force him to eat. After everything that had happened, I’d lost my appetite, too.
“So much for trying to cheer him up,” I told AJ, as we cleaned up the kitchen. “My idea almost killed him.”
“We can’t give up,” said AJ. “I still think we need to get him out of the house. Maybe we should invite him to Jenn’s party.”
I snorted. “Are you kidding? After what happened today? Now he’ll really never wanna go out again. What if something like that happened in public? He would probably die of embarrassment.”
“Better that than live in fear and never leave the house again. We can’t let him turn into a hermit.”
AJ was right, of course, but I knew convincing Kevin to come out with us on Friday would be a hard sell. It was worth a shot, though.
That night, I helped him put Mason to bed, as I had done most nights since his mom left. Kevin liked to be a part of his son’s bedtime routine, but he couldn’t do much of it by himself. He still needed someone else to put on Mason’s pajamas, turn the pages as he read him a bedtime story, and put him in his crib. But he had made some progress: now he could give Mason his evening bottle, using his new grasping skills to help the baby hang on to the bottle as he held him on his lap.
“I’ll let you two be,” I whispered, watching Mason’s eyelids droop as he lay in his dad’s arms, his lips working away at the nipple of his bottle. I felt weird lurking in the room during this part of their nightly routine, like I was intruding on an intimate moment that was meant to be shared by father and son. “I’ll come back to check on you in a while.”
But as I started to walk out, Kevin called me back. “Nick, wait.”
I turned, wondering what he needed now. The pajamas were on, the picture book had been put back on the shelf, and the bottle was still half full of formula.
“I just wanted to thank you… for saving my life,” he said softly. “I’m sorry I didn’t sound grateful before… but I am.” He glanced down at the baby snuggled against his chest. “I am glad to be alive, even if it’s not the life I envisioned for myself. I would never choose to leave my son alone in the world.” He raised his head and locked eyes with me, giving me a meaningful look. “I just wanted you to know that.”
I nodded. “I know, Kev. You’re not the type to try to kill yourself. You’re too strong for that.”
“I used to be.” His gaze shifted, focusing on one of the family portraits on the wall. “Now… I don’t know.”
“I do,” I said firmly.
His lips twitched, like he was about to smile… but then his face fell. “I miss her so much,” he murmured, tears filling his eyes. “They say your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die, but earlier, when I couldn’t breathe, I just kept picturing Kristin. I was terrified at first, and my chest felt so heavy, it hurt. But the longer I went without oxygen, the lighter I felt, as if I was being lifted out of my body, leaving the pain and the fear behind. I pictured her face, smiling at me, and heard her voice in my head, calling me home. It comforted me.”
“You were probably just hallucinating from lack of oxygen,” I said flatly, before I could help myself. Immediately, I felt like an asshole for doubting his near-death experience or whatever it was he was describing.
“Maybe,” said Kevin, a faraway look in his eyes. “I dunno. But at that moment, I was ready to go. I wasn’t afraid of dying anymore; I just wanted it to be over. And then it was over, but not in the way I thought it would be. I could breathe again, but I couldn’t see Kristin.”
“I bet she was watching over you, though,” I added on sudden inspiration, wanting to make up for what I had said before. “Someone sure was because, trust me, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I was just winging it. It’s a miracle it worked. I guess that means it wasn’t your time to go, huh?”
“I guess,” he said with a shrug. “You did great, Nick. I should have told you that earlier, but when it hit me what had happened, I just felt so worthless and weak. That’s why I was upset… and why I said what I said.”
I flashed him a sympathetic smile. “I understand. I was upset, too. It was really scary.”
He nodded. “Sorry for putting you through that.”
“Don’t apologize, dude; it wasn’t your fault. I’m just glad you’re okay.”
“Thanks to you.” He smiled back at me. “I owe you one.”
That was the moment I had been waiting for. “Well,” I said, my mouth twitching into a smirk. “I know one way you can make it up to me…”
***