Chapter 27

Kevin

After lunch, as Nick started a load of laundry and AJ entertained Mason, I went back upstairs by myself to call my mom.

“Hey, Ma. You didn’t happen to hang on to those caregiver applications, did you?” I asked her, trying to sound casual.

“Of course I did,” she replied. “They’re in a file folder in the top drawer of the desk in your office. Why? One of the caregivers isn’t working out?” She didn’t mention Erik by name, but of course, we both knew that was who she meant.

I held back tears as I told her what had happened that morning. I left out the most disgusting details, but she was still horrified.

“Oh, honey!” she gasped. “I can only imagine how awful that must have been for you. Are sure you’re all right?” To her credit, she didn’t say, “I told you so.”

“I’m fine,” I assured her. “Just embarrassed. But this can’t happen again. I need to hire someone else, someone more reliable. I was thinking of that girl Sam we interviewed.”

“Yes, of course, I remember her! I liked her a lot,” my mom replied enthusiastically. “I think she would be a great fit, if she hasn’t already accepted another job.”

“Well, I guess I’d better give her a call and find out. Thanks, Ma.”

After I got off the phone with my mom, I went into my office and rummaged around until I found Sam’s application. It wasn’t easy opening desk drawers and shuffling through papers with a pair of paralyzed hands; I had the dexterity of a seal pup. But I persevered, finally managing to pull the right form from the pile. I set it down on the desk in front of me and picked up my phone, using my thumb to dial the number on the piece of paper.

After a few rings, a perky female voice answered. “Hello?”

I took a deep breath. “Hi… is this Sam?”

“This is she.”

“Hey, this is Kevin Richardson. We met at Rancho Colina Rehab Hospital a few weeks ago when my mom and I interviewed you for a caregiving position?” I probably could have just told her I was Kevin, the former Backstreet Boy, but I wanted to sound humble instead of assuming she would automatically remember me.

“Of course!” Sam replied. “How’s it going, Kevin?”

“It’s goin’ okay. I’ve been home from the hospital for a couple weeks now, but… well, to be completely honest with you, one of the caregivers I hired isn’t working out. I was wondering if you were still interested in the position.”

I held my breath as I waited for her answer, hoping I hadn’t said too much. Would she be offended by my offer after I had passed her over in the first place?

“Oh! Well, yes, I am, but I actually just got a part-time position at a bookshop.”

I let out my breath in a low sigh. A bookshop? That sounded like a much better gig than helping a grown man in the bathroom.

I was already weighing the other two applicants – Andy, the flamboyant BSB fan, and Jian, the socially awkward foreigner – in my mind, wondering if I should reach out to one of them or repost my help-wanted ad, when I heard her add, “When would you need me to work?”

I almost couldn’t believe it. “Just a couple hours on weekend mornings, for now.”

“I think I could make that work,” said Sam. “Let me talk to my boss at the bookshop about adjusting my hours to afternoons and evenings only.”

“Really? Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it should be no problem. I’m actually on my lunch break right now. Can I call you back later?”

“That would be great,” I said with relief. “Thanks!”

By the time I got off the phone with her, I felt a lot better. Maybe Sam hadn’t been my first choice, but at least she was friendly and hopefully more reliable than Erik. When she called back that afternoon and officially accepted the job, I was overjoyed.

“Can you start next Saturday?” I asked her.

“Sure! What time do you want me there?”

“Is nine a.m. okay?”

“Perfect.”

I thanked her, told her how to get to my place, and promised someone would be waiting to let her in on the first day. I would give her a spare key to the house once I got it back from Erik.

I decided to wait until the next day to talk to him, worried about what he would do with that key if I fired him before he came back over. I was already going to have to change the code to my gate once I let him go; I didn’t want to have to change the locks, too.

I wasn’t sure Erik would even show up the next morning, but he was right on time. “Sorry about yesterday,” he apologized when he came into my bedroom, all red-faced and sheepish. I wondered if Nick had said something to him downstairs. “I was out partying Friday night and had a little too much fun. I was pretty hungover the next morning.”

I was taken aback by his honesty. He could have at least come up with a good excuse for leaving me hanging. “It happens,” I said shortly and left it at that. I had already decided to wait until he finished getting me ready to fire him, mostly for Nick’s sake. Poor Nick had experienced enough the previous day. Despite his offer, I didn’t want him to have to do all that for me again. I hated being so dependent on other people.

I was quiet as Erik fumbled his way through my morning routine. When I was finally dressed and in my wheelchair, I cleared my throat. “Thanks for coming over today, Erik,” I told him. “But don’t bother coming back next weekend or any other weekend after that. I won’t be needing your help anymore.”

“What?” he said, blinking in surprise. “Wait… are you firing me or something?”

I nodded. “You really let me down yesterday. I was depending on you to be here so I could get out of bed, and you left me lying here with very little notice. You didn’t even call to make sure I would be okay without you. What if no one else had been home to help me?” I decided not to tell him how long I had been stuck in bed; I didn’t want to throw Nick under the bus after everything he had done for me.

“I… I’m really sorry,” Erik stammered, his face turning as red as his hair. “It won’t happen again.”

“No, it won’t,” I replied firmly. “I’ve already hired your replacement. I’ll need your house key back before you leave.”

His hands shook as he fiddled with his key ring, finally managing to free the spare key. “Here,” he said, hardly looking at me as he placed it in my hand.

“Thanks. Your last check is waiting for you on the bench by the front door.”

He nodded, then turned and left without another word. I waited in the hallway outside my room until I heard the door open and slam shut. Then I took the elevator downstairs.

“How’d it go with Erik?” asked Nick when I went into the kitchen. He was sitting at the table with Mason in his high-chair, eating oatmeal and fruit for breakfast. “He didn’t sound too happy when he left.”

“No kidding,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “I don’t think anyone’s ever told him no before. He seems like the kind of kid who’s used to getting whatever he wants. Welcome to the real world, Erik, where you actually have to be responsible to keep a job.”

Nick nodded. “I wasn’t gonna say anything before, but yeah… he seemed like a real douchebag. You’re better off without him. Hopefully that girl you hired will last longer.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I hope so, too.”

***

When Greg came over to get me up the next morning, I told him about my traumatic weekend.

“That’s terrible,” he said, frowning as he lifted my left foot in the air to stretch out my leg. “How long were you left lying in bed like that?”

“At least seven hours, though I was sleeping for part of that time. I managed to reposition myself a little bit when I woke up, but I couldn’t roll all the way over.”

Greg grimaced. “That’s not good. Did anyone check you for pressure sores?”

I nodded. “Yeah, Nick did. He didn’t notice anything. Neither did Erik when he got me dressed yesterday.”

“Do you mind if I take another look?” asked Greg. “Pressure sores can be sneaky.”

“No, go ahead,” I agreed with a shrug. By that point, I was so used to being poked and prodded, it didn’t bother me anymore.

Greg pulled down the boxer briefs I had slept in and rolled me over so he could examine my back side. He spent a lot longer time than Nick had looking and touching. I couldn’t feel his hands on my body, but when I glanced back over my shoulder, I could see him pressing his fingers into different places on my lower back and pelvic area.

“I think you have a slight pressure injury here on your hip,” he said finally, prodding a spot on my right side. “There’s no redness or open wound, so it wouldn’t have been obvious to a pair of untrained eyes, but I know what to look for. Let me show you what I mean.”

He went into the bathroom and came back with a small mirror, which Kristin used to use when she was putting on her makeup. He held it at an angle that allowed me to see my hip better while I was lying on the bed.

“So normally, when you push down on your skin, it turns white and then returns to its normal color once you release the pressure, right?”

“Yeah?”

“That’s called ‘blanching,’” said Greg. “But watch what happens when I press on the area over your hip bone.” Holding the mirror with one hand, he dug the index finger of his other hand into my hip for a few seconds, then pulled it back. I didn’t notice any difference. “See? The skin doesn’t turn white. That means the blood flow has been disrupted there. It also feels warmer and harder than the rest of your skin.”

“Really? How bad is that?” Remembering how many times I had been warned about preventing pressure sores while I was in the hospital, I was suddenly worried. Maybe this was a bigger deal than I had originally thought.

“It’s a Stage 1 pressure sore, which isn’t bad as long as you let it heal. The problem with pressure injuries is that they’re like icebergs – the sore itself is only the tip. By the time you see breakdown on the surface of the skin, there’s been a lot more damage done to the tissue underneath. That’s when they can become serious and slow to heal,” he explained, setting down the mirror. “But if you keep the pressure off this hip for a few days, it should be fine. Just don’t have the guys roll you onto your right side at night; sleep on your left side, back, or stomach instead. And any time you can change positions or get out of your chair for a while, take advantage.”

I followed Greg’s advice over the next few days, avoiding my right side at night and trying to reduce pressure on my hip while I was in my wheelchair. I started using my standing frame to stretch my legs whenever Nick or AJ were working out, trying to stay in shape for when they went back on tour. While one of them was lifting weights or walking on the treadmill, I would be hitting the punching bag Nick had bought me or doing bicep curls with a pair of hand weights I could hold with the help of special wrist straps AJ had ordered for me.

Sometimes it was hard to watch the other guys work out, then turn and catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirrored wall. I barely recognized my own body anymore, with its flabby belly and skinny arms and legs. Whether I was in my wheelchair or the standing frame, I felt like a marionette puppet, propped up with pads and strapped into place. If someone cut my “strings,” I would collapse and flop to the floor. I was Pinocchio, wishing I could be a real boy again.

Toward the end of the week, the temperatures climbed into the eighties, so I called my pool guy to come over and open up the pool. I remembered how much I had enjoyed my hydrotherapy at the rehab center and thought floating in the water would be a good way to keep the pressure off my hip – and get a tan in the process.

By Friday afternoon, the pool was finally ready. As Mason slept in his Pack ‘N Play under the shade of the covered patio, Nick and AJ stood at the water’s edge in their swim trunks. “So… how are we going to do this?” asked AJ, his hands on his hips.

Folding his arms across his bare chest, Nick frowned as he looked from me in my power chair to the inground pool. “I dunno. How did they do it at the rehab center?”

“They had a special lift, like a sling that would lower me into the water,” I replied, remembering feeling like Free Willy as I lay in it. “But we can figure out another way.”

“Well, what do you want us to do, take off your seatbelt and tip your chair forward until you fall in?”

I was pretty sure AJ was just kidding with that suggestion, but Nick looked at him like he was a complete idiot. “You want him to break his neck again? No way, we’re not gonna dump him into the water like that. Can’t we just carry him down the steps?”

I cleared my throat. “Hello, I’m right here.”

Nick’s face reddened as he looked down at me. “Sorry, dude. So what do you think we should do?”

“I think your idea would work fine, if you don’t mind doing it.” I tried to be patient, knowing they were both anxious about taking me into the pool for the first time, but the sun was beating down on my bare shoulders, making me uncomfortably warm. AJ had slathered my pale body in sunscreen when he’d helped me change into my swimsuit, so I wasn’t worried about getting burned. I just wished they would stop arguing and get me into the water already.

“And then what?” Nick asked. “No offense, bro, but you can’t really swim anymore, right? So should we have a float ready to put you on? What if you fall in? Do you need to wear a life jacket?”

I had never known Nick to be such a worrywart. It was almost funny, hearing him fret over how I was going to enjoy the water without drowning. How could the same guy who had gone home from a club with a random woman just the other night now be so concerned about personal safety?

“A float would work, but I’d rather be all the way in the water when it’s this warm,” I replied. “Just throw a couple noodles in the pool. If you put one behind my back and one under my knees, I can float. I won’t need a life jacket as long as you guys are around to grab me if I go under.”

Nick and AJ exchanged nervous glances, but they agreed to go along with my plan. Standing on either side of my chair, they picked me up, each of them taking a leg while I put my arms around their shoulders, and carried me down the steps at the shallow end of the pool. It had a heater, so there was no shock of cold when they lowered me into the water. The temperature was comfortable to the parts of my body that could feel it. Nick wrapped a foam pool noodle around my back and under my arms while AJ tucked another one beneath my knees. Without them, I probably would have sunk like a rock, but with them, I was able to stay afloat. Eventually, Nick and AJ took their hands out from under my body, though they stayed close by me, one on either side.

“How does it feel, Kev?” AJ asked.

I lay my head back, letting my hair get wet, and closed my eyes, enjoying the warm sunlight on my face. “Feels amazing,” I sighed. “Thanks, fellas.”

They followed me around the pool as I floated on my back, ears perked for the sound of my son crying. But Mason didn’t make a peep as he napped nearby.

As my body bobbed lazily along, the water lapping gently against the sides of my face, my mind began to wander. “It’s been a long time since I’ve gone swimming with y’all,” I said, glancing up at AJ and Nick, who seemed to tower over me as they stood next to me in the waist-high water, making sure I didn’t drift too far into the deep end. “Remember the good ol’ days out on the road with Johnny and Donna, when we’d get excited about staying in a hotel that had a pool?” Nick, in particular, had always been adamant about making time to play in the water whenever the opportunity presented itself. In some ways, it seemed like yesterday that he had been small enough for me to lift onto my shoulders for a game of chicken. I would give anything to go back to those days, to be able to do that again.

AJ laughed. “Yeah… those were the days. It didn’t matter that we had to share rooms because at least we got to sleep in a real bed instead of the tiny bunks on that crappy bus we had back then.”

“I never minded sharing,” said Nick with a shrug. “It made me less lonely and homesick, having you guys around.”

“Same,” AJ admitted. “I mean, my mom was with me, but for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like an only child. I loved having four brothers.”

Their recollections brought a smile to my face, but I felt a stab of regret when I realized I hadn’t always felt the same fondness for them. Back then, Nick and AJ used to annoy me with their childish antics. I was twenty-one when I joined the Backstreet Boys, while AJ was only fifteen and Nick had just turned thirteen. There I was, a full-fledged adult, making music with a couple of kids. Although they were wise beyond their years in some ways, the two of them still drove me and Howie crazy sometimes.

I thought bringing Brian into the group would balance us out, since he was right in the middle in terms of age – at eighteen, he was legally an adult, but also still a teenager. But being around Nick and AJ brought out the kid in Brian, and he seemed to fit in better with them. To be honest, I was actually a little jealous of the bond Brian and Nick formed. But I also understood. Even back then, I had my own life outside of the group – friends I’d made in Florida and a new girlfriend, Kristin. But Brian knew no one besides me and the guys, and Nick had never fit in with the kids he went to school with. Brian became his big brother, best friend, and hero all rolled into one, while Nick was like the little brother Brian had never had.

“Isn’t it funny the way that worked out?” I replied. “Howie and I were both the babies of our families, but became the big brothers of the group. And Nick, you’re the oldest of five siblings, but the youngest of five Backstreet Boys. Well, four now.”

“You’ll always be a Backstreet Boy, Kev,” AJ said quietly. “You can still come back anytime you want.”

I snorted. “Yeah, right. I know y’all used to say the door would always be open for me, but that door slammed shut about four damn months ago.”

“Don’t worry – it’s one of those accessible doors,” Nick chimed in, smiling down at me. “Just press the button on the wall when you’re ready, and it’ll open right back up.”

A lump rose in my throat as I returned his smile. “I appreciate the sentiment, but you know that’s never gonna happen, right? Even if I wanted to come back, I wouldn’t.”

“Never say never, dawg,” Nick replied with a shrug, as AJ nodded in agreement.

Swallowing hard, I decided to change the subject. “Y’all have a big anniversary coming up in another week or so. Fifteen years… What are you gonna do to celebrate?”

They looked at each other. “Actually, Jenn and I were just talking about that at her party last weekend,” Nick answered. “We were supposed to have a show that night – somewhere in Italy, I think – but since we’ll be here, I thought we should do something. She’s gonna try to throw something together for next Sunday, the twentieth.”

“Rok and D are gonna fly in for the weekend, hopefully,” said AJ. “Howie said it’ll depend on how his dad’s doing, but he thinks it should be doable.”

“Oh good,” I said. “It’ll be nice to see them.”

“I hope you’ll come celebrate with us, too,” he added, looking down at me. “Help us sing ‘I Want It That Way’ or something. No offense to Howie, but it doesn’t sound the same without your voice.”

“We’ll see.” I wasn’t going to make any promises. I remembered how good it had felt to sing again at Jenn’s party… but I also couldn’t forget how awkward I’d felt being around all those people, not to mention my embarrassing incident the following morning. I definitely did not want a repeat of that. “I’m ready for a new position,” I said, abruptly changing the subject again. “Can one of you get rid of the noodle under my knees? I wanna try to stand up.”

They looked at each other again. “Yeah, sure!” said Nick. He slipped the noodle out from under my knees.

I thought my legs would immediately sink, but they didn’t. They drifted just below the water line, more buoyant than I had expected them to be. I tried to force them down by sitting up, but without control of my abs, I couldn’t pull my upper body out of the water. I lay there, bobbing like a cork as I clung to the noodle wedged under my arms. “Can… Can one of you push my legs down while the other one helps me up?”

Nick laughed. “I’m on it. AJ, you take care of his upper half.” He put his hands on my knees and pressed down, forcing them to sink further. At the same time, I felt AJ’s hands on my back, pushing me upright. For a second, I was vertical. Then I fell forward. “Whoa!” cried Nick, catching me before I ended up facedown in the water. I wrapped my arms around his neck, clinging to him like a frightened child at his first swimming lesson.

“Here, Kev,” said AJ, putting the noodle in front of me so I could lean on that. But when Nick let go of me, I just flopped over again. This time, he wasn’t quick enough to catch me before my head went underwater, and I came up sputtering when he and AJ pulled me back up.

“You okay?” Nick asked anxiously as he stood in front of me, keeping his hands on my chest so I couldn’t fall forward again, while AJ held onto me from behind.

I nodded, wiping the water from my face with my fists. Physically, I was fine, but my pride had taken a hit. I hated being so helpless and insecure. I really did feel like a little kid learning to swim all over again, completely dependent on the adults around me to keep me from drowning in four feet of water. “I’m good,” I replied, determined to figure it out. “If you can just get me back to the edge of the pool, I can hang on to the wall to help me stay balanced.”

“I got an idea,” AJ said suddenly. “Nick, stand still and hold onto him. I’m going under.”

I heard a gentle splash behind me as AJ ducked beneath the surface. “What is he doing?” I asked Nick, who shrugged, just as bewildered as I was. With just a noodle between us, we were so close the tops of our heads touched as we both looked down through the clear water to see AJ crouched on the bottom of the pool by our feet. I watched with wonder as he picked up my right foot and put it on top of Nick’s left, straightening my leg until my knee was braced against Nick’s. He did the same on the other side so that I was standing fully on Nick’s feet.

“Wanna dance?” Nick asked me, laughing, as AJ surfaced.

“That’s the idea,” he said, blinking the water out of his eyes. “My grandma taught me how to dance with me standing on her feet like that. Maybe we can walk Kevin across the pool the same way.”

“Wait, does that make me the grandma?!” Nick looked mildly offended, but mostly amused.

I laughed as AJ positioned himself behind me again, putting his hands on my waist. “Well, this is… awkward,” I said. “I feel like Baby in Dirty Dancing, when she’s dancing between Patrick Swayze and the tall, hot blonde.”

“Well, I am a tall, hot blond,” quipped Nick, batting his eyelashes.

“I guess that makes me Swayze then,” said AJ. “Sweet!”

I smiled, but another lump had swelled in my throat. Dirty Dancing was one of Kristin’s favorite movies. I remembered watching it with her on VHS when we were first dating, laughing and playing in the pool at her apartment complex as we tried to learn the famous lift. I used to be so strong, I could hold her over my head. Now I was so weak, I couldn’t even hold myself up in the water.

“Hungry eyes…” Nick started singing in an obnoxious, overwrought voice. “I feel the magic between you and I…” As he sang, he started walking slowly backwards. With his arms around me and my feet on his, I automatically went with him.

I looked down to see my legs moving underwater, stepping forward one foot at a time. Left. Right. Left. Right. It was weird to see myself “walking” for the first time in over four months. I knew it wasn’t really me making it happen, though, and I felt a strange sense of detachment from the pale pair of legs locked against Nick’s knees. Again, I was a puppet whose floppy body had to be manipulated by another person in order to mimic natural movement.

Weird as it was, it worked. With Nick guiding my feet and AJ supporting me from behind, I was able to make it from the middle of the pool all the way to the wall. Once I was there, AJ went underwater again to lift my feet off of Nick’s and plant them on the bottom of the pool. Nick held me in place until he resurfaced, then moved to my right side so I could lean over the edge of the pool. AJ stayed on my left, keeping a steadying hand on my back in case I lost my balance. But I was standing on my own two feet. After a frustrating week, that felt good.

“Thanks, guys,” I told my friends, getting emotional again as I thought about how much they had helped me over the past three weeks. “I don’t know what I’d do without the two of you.”

“Drown?” suggested Nick without missing a beat.

That made us all burst out laughing. I laughed until I cried, tears overflowing my eyes as the mix of emotions flooded my mind. Some days, it was difficult not to feel sorry for myself as I dwelled on all that I had lost in the last few months. But moments like that reminded me of how much I still had to be grateful for.

***