Chapter 37

Kevin

In the morning, AJ arrived right at the start of visiting hours. I was surprised to see him there so early – and even more surprised to see him alone. “Looks like you got an early start this morning,” I said, smiling at him from my hospital bed. After being taken care of by total strangers all night, it was nice to see a familiar face, but I couldn’t help but wish he had brought Mason with him. I missed my baby boy.

AJ gave me a pointed look as he pulled one of the visitor chairs up to the bed and slumped into it. “You have no idea, man. I’ve been up since four.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Did Mason have a rough night? I hope he didn’t keep you up…” My heart broke at the thought of my son crying in the night because I hadn’t been there for his bedtime routine.

But just as my guilt set in, AJ shook his head. “Not Mason. Nick.”

“What’s up with Nick?” I asked, frowning.

So he filled me in. My concern turned to horror as I listened to AJ describe waking up before dawn to find a drunk Nick in his room, begging to be driven to the hospital because he thought he was having a heart attack. He told me how he had rushed Nick to the emergency room and waited anxiously in the hall while he was being examined. “…And when I was finally allowed in, he was all hooked up to a heart monitor and an IV and oxygen tubes and everything,” AJ said with a shudder. “It scared the shit out of me, seeing him like that. It reminded me of… well, it reminded me of what you looked like after your accident.”

“Is he gonna be okay?” I asked, my own heart beating harder as I imagined my little brother lying in a hospital bed. My breath caught in my throat as I waited to hear AJ’s answer.

“I hope so. They said it wasn’t a heart attack but that his heart looked enlarged. They want to run more tests, so they’re admitting him.”

I let out my breath in a low sigh. “Well, thank god it wasn’t a heart attack. He’s way too young for that.” But I was still worried, wondering what else could have caused Nick’s symptoms. Hearing AJ’s words, I couldn’t help but think of my cousin. Brian’s heart had also been enlarged when he found out he needed open-heart surgery ten years ago. But he had a congenital condition, a hole in his heart that had been there since he was born. As far as I knew, Nick had never been diagnosed with anything like that before.

“Yeah, but that’s not all,” AJ went on. “His blood test came back positive for a whole bunch of shit – not just alcohol, but drugs. I’m talking cocaine, ecstasy, oxy…”

My heart sank. “Seriously? How… I mean, when…?” I trailed off, struggling to find words for the questions I had. I felt so disappointed in Nick. Aside from a slip-up or two, he had seemed to be doing so well since moving in with me. I’d thought maybe being around AJ and me so much was helping him as much as he was helping me. Apparently not.

“All I know is that he went out clubbing with Chris last night,” said AJ with a shrug. “I don’t know where they went or what time he got home, but he must’ve met up with a dealer at some point to buy that shit – unless he’s had it the whole time and been hiding it from us.”

I shuddered at the thought of Nick having illegal drugs in my house, around my son.

“I told you he wasn’t clean when we were on tour,” AJ continued, shaking his head. “I don’t know if he was doing drugs while we were overseas, but his drinking was out of control.”

I nodded, remembering how AJ had expressed his concerns about Nick’s behavior during our phone conversations while I was in rehab. I’d had my own concerns about Nick’s health just the day before after noticing how exhausted he had looked. Now I wished I’d had the energy to voice those concerns and press him harder about how he was doing. I wasn’t sure it would have made a difference… but maybe his winding up in the hospital would.

“Let’s hope this will be his wake-up call,” I said, looking at AJ. “If he was worried enough to go to the emergency room, then at least he recognized that something was wrong. That’s a start, right?”

“Oh, he was definitely freaked out when he thought he was having a heart attack.” AJ smirked with an air of grim satisfaction. “And when the doctor confronted him about the drugs in his system and laid into him for lying to her about what he took, he got all teary-eyed. But it’s too soon to tell if he’s actually gonna take it seriously this time. Sure, he’s worried now, but what happens when he gets out of here?”

“I guess that depends on what else his test results show. I mean, an enlarged heart… that sounds scary, right? Maybe it’ll be enough to scare him straight.”

AJ ran his hand over his balding head. “I hope so. We’ll have to see.”

“Where is he now?”

“Still in the ER. We’ve been waiting for them to finish his paperwork so he can be brought upstairs, but I thought I’d come up first and fill you in.” AJ paused for a moment. “He asked if he could share a room with you.”

“What?” I said, laughing. “Why would he wanna share with me when he could have a private room all to himself?”

“Honestly? I think he was scared.” AJ shrugged. “You know how Nick hates being alone. And being alone in the hospital is even worse.”

I nodded. Nick had never cared about having a hotel room or tour bus all to himself; he would rather be surrounded by people. I, on the other hand, was more introverted; I needed my quiet time. But, even with a private room, there wasn’t much privacy in the hospital – especially for someone like me, who needed help with almost everything.

“You don’t mind, do you?” AJ added. “I thought it might be good for him to be in here with you. Maybe you can talk some sense into him.”

“Nah, I don’t mind,” I replied, remembering how hard it had been for me to fall asleep after AJ had left the night before. It might be nice to have Nick around. At least I’d have someone to talk to if I couldn’t sleep again that night. “I’m not sure how much of a difference it’ll make, but I can try to talk to him.”

“If there’s anyone he’ll listen to, it’s you,” said AJ. “He looks up to you.”

I snorted. “Not anymore. It’s hard to look up to someone who’s always sitting down.”

AJ snickered. “Touche. But he still respects you, bro. If anyone can get through to him, it’s you.”

I smiled. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks, Kev,” he said, smiling back. “But enough about Nick. How are you doing today?”

“Not too bad. My fever broke overnight, and my blood pressure’s back down to normal, so the antibiotics seem to be working already.” I glanced down at the IV in my arm. “My urologist came to see me earlier and said everything’s looking good. Hopefully I can get out of here tomorrow.”

Wistfully, I eyed my wheelchair, which sat empty in the corner. I couldn’t wait to get back into it. While I didn’t love having to rely on a wheelchair to get around, I hated being confined to a hospital bed even more. Over the past few months, my chair had become increasingly important to me. It wasn’t just a mobility aid, but an extension of my body, as much a part of me as my own pair of legs – and, these days, a lot more useful. Other people might see a wheelchair as a symbol of disability, but for me, it represented capability, independence, and freedom. Without it, I felt completely incapacitated, like a prisoner chained to my bed.

“That’s great, man!” AJ said encouragingly. “I’m glad to hear it. Mason will be happy to have you home.”

“How did he do without me there at bedtime last night?” I asked. “Did he go down all right?”

“Well, let’s see… First I gave him a bath, and he did great with that,” AJ began. “But, five minutes after I finished putting his pajamas on him, he had a major blowout.”

“Oh no,” I said, cringing.

“Yeah.” AJ made a face. “So, after I finished wiping up shit, I had to give him another bath, and that one did not go as well. By the time we finished with bath number two and put on a fresh diaper and a clean pair of pajamas, we were both exhausted, so he went to bed fine and fell asleep fast.”

I offered him a sympathetic look. “Sorry you had to deal with that, but thanks for taking care of my boy.”

“I didn’t have much of a choice after Prick went out partying all night and left me alone to deal with it,” he grumbled. “Don’t get me wrong – I don’t mind watching Mason. I just don’t like changing dirty diapers.”

“I know. But you’ve gotten a lot better with it.” I gave him a grateful smile. “I appreciate everything you’ve been doing, brother.”

He smiled back. “Speaking of Mason… I should probably head back to the house soon so Sam can go home. We owe her a huge favor for stepping in the way she did.”

“She’s a gem,” I agreed with a nod. “Yeah, you should go relieve her. I’m in good hands here, and I’m sure Nick is, too. Tell Sam how thankful I am for her help and that I’ll talk to her soon.”

“Will do, bro. I’ll bring Mason back up for a visit later, all right? We may need to take a little nap first, though,” AJ said, stifling a yawn.

“Whatever works best for you. I’m not going anywhere.” I lay back against my pillow, looking up at the bare ceiling as another boring day in the hospital loomed ahead of me. Now that I felt better, spending the day resting in bed sounded even worse than it had the day before.

After AJ left, I eyed the recliner sitting by the window on one side of the room, wondering whether my nurse would let me transfer to it for a while. The hospital staff didn’t seem to want me moving around much while I was hooked up to the IV. Although they still repositioned me every two hours to relieve pressure on different parts of my body, I wasn’t allowed to take a shower or transfer to a commode to use the toilet. The aide who had come in to help me that morning had bathed me in bed and forced me to do my bowel program there as well, something I hadn’t done since the beginning of my rehab. I tried to tell myself it was only temporary, but I couldn’t help but feel like this hospital stay was going to be a major setback in my recovery.

Bored, I reached for the remote on my bed table and managed to turn on the TV. Using the side of my thumb to work the buttons, I flipped through the channels. It took me a while to find something worth watching, but I finally settled on a nature documentary. I lay back against my pillows, looking at the beautiful images of mountains and trees and wishing I was anywhere but in the hospital.

Hearing footsteps outside my room, I glanced over hopefully as the door opened. “Sorry, Kevin, but the floor has gotten so crowded, we’re going to have to give you a roommate,” my nurse Hannah said with a smile and a wink. A pair of orderlies walked in after her, wheeling another bed on which Nick lay.

“Oh no… not that guy,” I played along, glancing over at him as they parked his bed next to mine. “He’s gonna drive me nuts.”

Nick’s bloodshot eyes were glazed with exhaustion, but he managed a weak chuckle and a grin. “That’s the point, dawg. You know how much I love getting on your last nerve.”

“Yeah, but this time, you’ve taken it too far.” My eyes swept over him, noticing how pale and tired he looked lying between the white sheets in his printed gown. “Landing yourself in the hospital just to play a prank on me? That’s a little extreme, don’t you think?”

He let out a derisive laugh as he looked up at the ceiling. “Trust me, dude – I wish this was just a joke.”

“Me too.” I fell silent, watching Hannah help him get situated. First she hung a bag of fluid on the IV pole beside his bed. Then she picked up a bundle of wires snaking out from the front of his hospital gown and plugged them into a cable that came from the heart monitor mounted on the wall over his head. When she flipped a switch on the monitor, I heard a soft, steady blipping sound that brought back bad memories of being in the ICU. Thankfully, she turned down the volume until it was barely audible.

Hannah spent the next few minutes fussing over Nick, taking his vital signs and making note of the numbers on his chart. “How are you feeling?” I heard her ask him.

He groaned and rubbed his hand over his forehead. “Like I got hit by a train.”

She frowned. “How would you rate the pain on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst pain you’ve ever felt in your life?”

“I dunno… a four, maybe? It’s not too bad – better than it was before, anyway,” he answered. “I just have the world’s worst hangover.”

She gave him a sympathetic smile. “Well, your vitals look good. Can I get you anything before I go? Maybe something to drink?”

“Got any vodka?” he asked. I couldn’t tell if he was kidding or not.

Hannah raised her eyebrows. “No, but I have water. Will that do?”

Nick scrunched up his nose. “Can I have a soda instead?”

“Sorry… your doctor doesn’t want you to have any caffeine before your tests.”

He sighed. “Fine… I guess water will have to do then.”

“I’ll bring you a pitcher,” said Hannah. “Be right back.”

As she bustled out of the room, I turned my head toward Nick. “You know, when I told you yesterday to go home and come back tomorrow, I didn’t mean for you to come back in a hospital bed. Why do you always have to do things the hard way?”

A crooked smile flickered across his face. “I guess I must’ve misunderstood,” he muttered. “Did AJ tell you what happened?”

“Yeah.” I decided to skip the lecture, knowing it would do no good at the moment. Nick wasn’t in the right state of mind to hear what I really wanted to say to him. “I bet that was pretty terrifying for you, huh?” I said instead, trying to be sympathetic.

He nodded. “No kidding.”

“I’m glad you decided to go to the hospital and get help,” I added. “You’re in good hands here. They’ll get to the bottom of what’s going on with you.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” he replied in a low voice. “Like, what if I find out I’m dying or something?”

I frowned. “Why would you think that? Have you felt this way for a while?”

He shrugged. “It’s never been this bad before, but yeah… I’ve had some tightness in my chest off and on since we were on tour,” he said, running his hand across the front of his hospital gown. “I woke up one other time when we were in Mexico and thought I was having a heart attack, but I dunno… I probably just drank too much the night before and got dehydrated.”

I stared at him in disbelief. How could he admit to something like that and, in the same breath, attribute it to a hangover? Despite his health scare, he was obviously still in some denial. “And you didn’t think to go to a doctor and get checked out then?” I asked gently, hoping I didn’t sound too judgmental.

“We were in Mexico,” he repeated with another shrug. “And then we flew back here, and I moved in with you, and… well, I felt better, so I didn’t worry about it.”

But it worried me to hear he had been hiding things from me the whole time he’d been living in my house. What else didn’t I know?

Before I could ask any more questions, Hannah came back, carrying a plastic pitcher and a styrofoam cup. She poured ice water from the pitcher into the cup and put on a lid with a bendable straw before handing it to Nick.

“Thanks,” he said, bringing the straw to his lips.

“You’re welcome. Wanna sit up a little?” she asked. When he nodded, she raised the head of his bed so he was sitting in a reclined position, making it easier for him to drink. While he sucked down water, she wheeled in another bed table so he had a place to put his cup. “Can I get you anything else?”

Swallowing, Nick shook his head. “Nah… I’m all right.”

“How about you, Kevin?” she asked, turning to me.

“I’m fine, thanks,” I told her, forgetting to ask about transferring to the recliner.

“Okay. Well, hit your call button if you need anything. I’ll be back to check on you both later.”

After she left, I looked over at Nick again. “What about the drugs?” I asked. “How long has that been going on?”

Nick set his cup down on the table and took a shaky breath before answering. “I dunno. I only do it when I go out – you know, the way some people only smoke when they drink,” he said, making it sound as if snorting cocaine was as ordinary as lighting up a cigarette. “It’s not like I’m getting high all the time.”

“How often are you getting drunk?”

He hung his head. “More often lately,” he admitted. “I have trouble sleeping, so I’ve been drinking vodka before bed to help me relax so I can fall asleep.”

“There are healthier options for that, Nick,” I said, frowning. “Have you tried warm milk? Or chamomile tea?”

He made a face. “Warm milk? That’s nasty, dawg. And you know I’ve never been a tea drinker.”

“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.”

Nick didn’t reply.

“Why are you having trouble sleeping?” I pressed him.

“I dunno.” He shrugged.

“Have you been worried about these chest pains you’ve been having?” I couldn’t help but wonder whether his drinking and drug abuse were the cause of his symptoms or his misguided way of self-medicating to relieve them. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Maybe it was both.

“Not every night.”

“Well, is there anything else on your mind?”

Nick shrugged again. “Not really,” he replied, but I could tell by his tone that he wasn’t being entirely truthful. Something was bothering him… and his reluctance to tell me what made me worry it was me.

In quad class, Bob had warned us about caregiver burnout. “Caregiving can take a toll on people, both physically and emotionally,” he told us. “Keep an eye on your loved ones. Watch that they’re not getting too overwhelmed with their new responsibilities. They may not want to admit they’re struggling, but if they seem extra tired, irritable, stressed out, or depressed, encourage them to take a step back and ask for someone else to step up. Even if you’re lucky enough to have family members or friends caring for you, it’s always good to have outside help available to give them a break and prevent you from feeling like a burden.” His words struck a chord in me and made me realize that maybe Nick just needed a break.

I cleared my throat. “You know, Nick, if taking care of me is getting to be too much for you, it’s okay to take a step back. I wouldn’t blame you. I don’t wanna be a burden.”

“What are you talking about, Kevin?” he asked, looking over at me. “You’re not a burden.”

But I wasn’t sure I believed him. “Thanks, but I know it hasn’t been easy for you, especially since we let Greg go. When I get outta here, I’m gonna call that home healthcare agency and get another aide to come on the days Sam can’t do my morning routine.”

Nick shook his head. “You don’t have to do that, bro,” he started to argue, but I cut him off.

“I do, though. I’m gonna need more help when you and the guys go back on tour next month anyway, so I might as well start lining it up now.” Besides needing another caregiver for myself, I also had to find someone to help me with Mason – a live-in nanny who could handle the childcare duties I was no longer capable of doing by myself.

Nick couldn’t argue with that. He knew I was right. “Well, okay, but don’t feel like you have to do that because of me,” he said. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.”

But it was hard not to worry about my little brother when he was lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a heart monitor. I had never seen him like that before. He didn’t look fine.

“Why don’t you take a nap, Nick?” I suggested, noticing the dark circles under his eyes. “It’s hard to get any real rest around this place – people are always popping in to take your vitals or run tests – so you should try to sleep whenever you can.”

He nodded. “That’s not a bad idea,” he replied gratefully, suppressing a yawn. “I’m wrecked, dude.” He fumbled around with the buttons on the side of his bed until he figured out how to lower the head. Then he rolled over onto his left side, putting his back to me and pulling his blanket up over him. I turned down the volume on my TV and watched with the closed captioning on instead. Within a few minutes, Nick’s breathing had become deep and regular.

He had been dozing for about an hour when I heard a knock on the door. “Come in!” I called softly, not wanting to wake up Nick. I saw a pop of blue as the door swung open, and Sam poked her head inside.

“Hi!” she said, smiling when she spotted me. “Are you up for a visit?”

“Of course!” I smiled back and attempted to beckon to her before remembering that my fingers didn’t work that way anymore. “Come on in.”

Sam tiptoed into the room, taking a peek at Nick as she passed his bed. “How’s he doing?” she asked in a whisper as she sank into the chair next to mine.

I shrugged. “Better than before, I guess, but it’s hard to say.”

“How are you doing?”

“Definitely better,” I said with a smile. “I’m just bored as hell. I can’t wait to go home.”

“When will that be?” she wondered, leaning back in her chair.

“Hopefully sometime tomorrow. If not, maybe Monday?”

Sam nodded, then tipped her head toward the other bed. “How about Nick?”

“No idea,” I said, following her gaze. “They still need to run more tests. No one’s done anything since they brought him up here.” I watched the subtle movement of Nick’s blanket every time he breathed in and out, while the heart monitor beeped steadily in the background.

“They must not be too concerned about him, then, or things would probably be moving faster,” said Sam. “Hopefully that’s a good sign.” After a pause, she added, “I’m glad it wasn’t a heart attack, anyway. AJ filled me in.”

I glanced back at her. “Thanks for coming over to watch Mason – and making sure Nick was okay. You’re a lifesaver.”

She smiled. “You’re welcome. What are friends for?”

Until then, I hadn’t really thought of her as a friend, but Sam had definitely gone above and beyond her job description that day. Meanwhile, it was nice to know that she thought of me as more than just the crippled guy she helped get out of bed in the morning.

Hearing his name, Nick stirred. “Oh, hey,” he said hoarsely when he rolled over and saw Sam in the room.

“Hey!” she replied, smiling at him. “You’re awake! How are you feeling?”

“Like an idiot.” He smirked and shook his head. “Sorry for waking you up at four in the morning over nothing.”

I frowned. “It wasn’t nothing, Nick. You thought you were having a heart attack.”

“But I wasn’t.” With the push of a button, he raised the head of his bed so he was sitting up again. “I’m fine, see?”

I rolled my eyes. Earlier, he had been afraid of finding out he was dying, but now that Sam was here, he wanted to save face and act like a tough guy in front of her. “Yeah, we’ll see,” I said. “Let’s hope your enlarged heart is no big deal.”

“Was that a joke, Kevin?” Sam asked, giggling. “Enlarged heart… no big deal?”

I hadn’t meant to make a joke, but I forced a smile and said, “Yeah, I guess so.”

Nick looked at Sam. “So, like, what causes an enlarged heart, anyway?” he asked her. He kept his tone casually curious, but I could hear the slight quiver of fear in his voice.

Her smile faded. “Oh… I really couldn’t say. I’ve only had one cardiovascular block so far, and it focused mainly on normal function and anatomy, not heart disease. I won’t start that block until next spring.” She offered an apologetic shrug.

I wasn’t sure if she was being completely honest about not knowing, or if she just didn’t want to say. Meanwhile, I saw Nick’s eyes widen slightly when he heard the words “heart disease.” Sam must have noticed, too, because she quickly changed the subject.

“Oh, I almost forgot to tell you!” she blurted out suddenly, sitting up straighter. “I finally found out something about Greg from my neuro professor, the one who still practices at UCLA.”

“Yeah?” I said, raising my eyebrows.

“Yeah, since this was my last week of class before summer break, I finally worked up the nerve to ask her if she knew him. I didn’t want to seem unprofessional for gossiping before, you know? But not only did my professor know him; she also still works with his ex-wife.”

“Wow… did you tell her what happened?”

“Yup, and get this: he was forced to resign from the hospital for doing the same thing he did to you.”

“Stealing?”

She nodded. “My professor told me he was suspected of stealing from patients. Their valuables would mysteriously go missing while they were in post-op, but no one was ever able to prove it was him. Then he was caught stealing drugs, the kind you can sell on the street to people who abuse prescription medications. He quit before they could fire him.”

“Wow,” I said, shaking my head. “That’s awful.”

“I know. I guess he has a gambling problem, according to his ex-wife. My professor said she left him after he lost most of their money. Then he had to pay child support, which is probably why he started stealing stuff.”

“Motherfucker,” Nick muttered. When I glanced back at him, he was flexing and bending his fingers, balling his right hand into a fist. “He deserved to get his ass beat.”

I nodded in agreement. I’m generally a nonviolent person who’s all about peace and love, but not even I could argue with that. I still felt violated by this man who had come into my home, cared for me when I was at my most vulnerable, and conned me into feeling comfortable around him. I had trusted Greg, and he had taken advantage of me.

“I’m sure there’s a way to report him,” said Sam, frowning. “You can probably file a complaint to the California Board of Nursing online. If they find it to be valid, he could lose his license.”

“Really?” I hesitated as I considered that option. I didn’t want to make any more trouble for myself or take away a man’s livelihood, especially if he was already struggling to make ends meet, but I also didn’t want Greg to get away with doing this to anyone else. “I’ll have to look into that.”

“I can help you fill out a complaint form on the computer or whatever when you get home,” Sam offered.

“That would be great. Thanks.” I smiled at her, feeling grateful for everything she had done for me lately, especially that day.

“You’re welcome.” Sam glanced down at her watch. “Well, I should probably get going. I have to be at the bookshop for my shift in half an hour.”

I had almost forgotten she had another job. “Oh yeah, we wouldn’t wanna make you late for work. Thanks for stopping by. And thanks again for your help this morning.”

“Yeah, thanks, Sam,” Nick added, shifting awkwardly in his bed. “I owe you big time. Maybe we could go out to dinner together when I get outta here – just as friends, I mean. My treat?”

“That sounds nice,” said Sam, smiling at him. As she stood up, she impulsively leaned in to give me a quick hug. “You two take care of yourselves,” she said, scurrying across the room to hug Nick, too. “Call me when you’re home and want me to start coming over again, Kevin.”

“I will. Thanks.”

“See you soon!” Sam waved over her shoulder as she walked out of the room.

No sooner had Sam left than Hannah came back in, accompanied by another orderly who was pushing a gurney. “Nick, Jorge is here to take you to the noninvasive cardiac lab now for one of the tests your doctor ordered,” she said as he parked it next to Nick’s bed.

“Okay…” Nick looked nervous as they helped him slide from his bed onto the gurney. Jorge raised the railing on the side while Hannah hung his IV bag from a pole on the back and unhooked him from the heart monitor.

“Good luck, man,” I said, giving Nick an encouraging smile as they wheeled him out of the room. “Don’t be afraid. It’s gonna be all right.”

A moment later, Nick was gone, and I was alone again. With a sigh, I turned the volume back up on my TV, where a male lion was chasing a cheetah. I watched the big cats race across the savanna, their powerful legs pumping. I wasn’t sure which one to root for. In a way, I envied them both – wild and free and able to run like the wind.

I still remembered what it felt like to run as fast as I could: the rush of fresh air whipping through my hair and into my lungs, the beat of my heart pounding against my ribs as my feet hit the ground, the burn in my legs as my muscles propelled me forward. But I would never experience that feeling again.

When the lion pounced and brought down the cheetah, I felt a burst of triumph followed by a deflating feeling of sorrow. Watching the cheetah’s last feeble twitches as the lion sank his large teeth into its neck reminded me just how short and cruel life could be. But the lion would live to see another day, and so would I.

This, too, shall pass, I thought with a sigh, looking out the window at my lovely view of a parking deck. I couldn’t even see any palm trees past the thick walls of concrete. I hated being in the hospital again, bedridden and bored, worried about my little brother, missing my wife and son and the beautiful life I’d had before all this had happened. But, like the lion, I would survive.

***