Nick
Confession: I hate funerals. Not that anyone really likes them, but I really hate them. Honestly, I hate the whole ritual our culture has developed around death. Why do we spend so much money on fancy coffins for our corpses to rot away in six feet underground? Why do we expect grieving families to stand next to said coffins for two-plus hours and greet long lines of people who feel obligated to come and pay their respects? Why do we embalm bodies so that those people can gawk at their dead loved ones – or their friends’ dead loved ones – as they lie in open caskets like bad wax figures that look nothing like they did when they were alive? It’s weird! The whole thing is freaking weird!
When I die, I don’t want any of that. Donate my body to science so it can have some benefit to society. Cremate what’s left when it’s done being useful – that way, there’s no chance of me reanimating and coming back to wreak havoc as a zombie. Skip the funeral and have a celebration of life for me on the beach. Eat good food, get drunk, and listen to my favorite music. Then sprinkle my ashes in the ocean. Done.
Howie’s family must have felt differently. As devout Catholics, the Doroughs did everything by the book for Papa D, from the viewing at the funeral home to the funeral at their church. I suffered through it for Howie’s sake, hating every minute of it. It made me uncomfortable. In all honesty, if it hadn’t been for Kevin, I probably wouldn’t have gone. I had a perfect excuse not to: I was on the opposite coast, caring for Kevin. Howie would have understood. But because Kevin wanted to go, I felt like I had to go with him. I think it meant a lot to Howie and his family to see us all there together, which made the trip worth it. But, secretly, I still hated it.
The day after the funeral was better. Howie and Leigh invited us over to their beachfront condo in Cape Canaveral for brunch before we headed back to the airport to catch our late afternoon flight home.
“Thanks for coming,” Howie greeted us, hugging AJ, Kevin, and me as we went inside. Brian and Leighanne were already there, waiting with Leigh in the kitchen.
“Sorry we’re late,” Kevin apologized as he rolled over to them. “It takes me a long time to get ready these days.” He glanced back, flashing me a sheepish grin. For the second day in a row, I had fumbled through his morning routine in the unfamiliar hotel room. That day, we had to do the dreaded bowel program, too. It wasn’t pretty, but we’d managed.
“No problem,” Howie replied, following us into the kitchen. “I just appreciate you guys being here. It meant the world to me and my family to have all of you at the service yesterday.”
“We wouldn’t have missed it,” said Kevin. I nodded in agreement, feeling guilty for not wanting to go.
“How’s everyone holding up?” AJ asked as he sat down at the breakfast bar, where Leigh had laid out a large spread of fruit and pastries alongside a meat and cheese tray. He snagged a cherry Danish off one of the platters and started chewing.
Howie shrugged. “Hard to say. I think we’re all still in shock. I mean, we knew this day was coming… We just didn’t expect it to happen so soon, you know?”
Kevin nodded. “It was the same way with my dad.”
“Cancer sucks,” I said hollowly, thinking of my Grandma Barb. Cancer had claimed her in a matter of months, too. We weren’t that close since she and my Grandpa Chuck had lived in New York my whole life, but it still sucked to lose her like that.
“I’ll toast to that,” said Howie, taking a bottle of champagne out of the fridge. “Who wants a mimosa?”
“Me!” Brian and Leighanne both said immediately.
Howie filled two champagne glasses halfway, then topped them off with orange juice. “How ‘bout you, Kevin?” he asked as he handed Brian and Leighanne their drinks.
Kevin hesitated. “I’ve gotta limit my liquid intake before getting on the plane… but I guess one wouldn’t hurt.”
“Come on, Kev, live a little!” AJ encouraged him. “We’ll bring an empty bottle on board this time.”
I rolled my eyes, remembering how he’d put me in charge of helping Kevin with his catheter bag at the airport. I didn’t really want to have to do that on the plane, but I also didn’t want Kevin to get dehydrated or dysreflexic again either. That was scary the last time. So I nodded and said, “Yeah, have a mimosa, man.”
Howie poured him one, then turned to me. “Nick?”
I wanted one, too, but as I opened my mouth to say yes, my heart skipped a beat, reminding me why I wasn’t supposed to be drinking. “No, thanks,” I replied dully.
Howie raised his eyebrows. “Really? What, are you pregnant or something?”
I forced a laugh and patted my belly. “Or something. I’ll fill y’all in later.”
Brian frowned, a look of concern flickering across his face. “Why don’t you fill us in now? What’s going on, Nick?”
I sighed. I had been planning to tell them after we finished eating so I wouldn’t ruin the meal, but with the way he and Howie were both looking at me now, I knew I couldn’t wait. “Can we at least go sit down first?”
Howie and Brian exchanged glances. “Sure. Wanna go outside?” He gestured to the sliding glass doors that opened out onto his huge balcony.
Gazing out at the balcony, which overlooked the ocean, I started to nod before remembering we were in the penthouse of a five-story building where other people lived. Not wanting to risk being overheard by Howie’s neighbors, I shook my head. “Nah, let’s just stay in here for now.” I took a seat on the large sectional sofa in Howie’s living room. He and the others followed suit, Kevin parking his wheelchair at one end of the couch. With tile floors and plenty of space in the open floor plan, Howie’s condo was actually pretty accessible.
Howie looked at me with a worried expression, his hands folded neatly in his lap. “So what’s up, Nicky?”
My heart began to beat faster. I took a deep breath, trying to calm the fluttery feeling in my chest. “Okay, well, before I start, lemme just say that this might sound like a big deal, but it’s really not. I’m fine… or, at least, I will be.”
Howie’s eyes widened as Brian’s narrowed, the frown lines deepening on his forehead.
“You’re starting to scare them, Prick. Quit stalling and spit it out already,” AJ growled.
I rolled my eyes at him. “Alright, fine. So, a few weeks ago, I had some tests done and found out-”
“Uh, hold up!” AJ interrupted, raising his hand. “Are you just gonna skip right over the part where I had to rush you to the hospital at four in the morning because you thought you were having a heart attack?”
“What?!” Howie gasped, his eyes bulging out of his head as Brian’s face went white.
“It wasn’t a heart attack,” I said quickly, glaring at AJ. Now who was the one scaring them? “I’d been out partying the night before, and I woke up with chest pains and got worried, so AJ took me to the emergency room. They ran some tests to rule out a heart attack.”
“So, if it wasn’t a heart attack, what was it?” Brian wanted to know.
I swallowed hard, my pulse pounding in my throat. Sucking in another deep breath, I forced the words out: “Well, I found out I have a condition called cardiomyopathy. It’s a weakening of the heart muscle. In my case, they think it was caused by too much drinking… and drugs.” I hung my head, looking down at the rug under my feet to avoid eye contact with Brian. It was his reaction I’d been dreading most. I knew Howie would be understanding, but Brian might judge me for doing this kind of damage to myself.
Before either of them could speak, Kevin cleared his throat. “According to Nick’s cardiologist, he doesn’t have a full-blown case yet,” he added, his voice calm and reassuring as always. “It could get worse and cause some serious problems down the road if he continues on the path he’s been on. But the doctor said that, as of right now, the damage to his heart is completely reversible as long as he stops abusing drugs and alcohol. That’s why he’s not drinking.”
I glanced up, giving him a grateful smile.
“Damn,” Howie whispered, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, bro. That must have been really scary to hear.”
I nodded. “Yeah… but I guess it’s better I found out before it was too late. At least now, I have time to fix it. Thanks to Kevin, I’ve been clean and sober for twenty days.”
Brian’s serious face relaxed into a smile. “Good for you. Proud of you, Frack.”
I couldn’t remember the last time he’d called me by that name, but hearing it now immediately put me at ease. “Thanks, Frick,” I replied, smiling back with relief.
“Yeah, Kevin needs his own talk show or something,” AJ blurted out. “That’s the second Backstreet Boy he’s helped get on the wagon. His methods may be a bit extreme – breaking down my door, making Nick dump all his booze down the drain – but they work. He’s like freaking Dr. Phil!”
Kevin chuckled. “Just call me Dr. Kev from now on.”
“Hey, that’s not a bad idea, cuz,” Brian said, raising his eyebrows. “You’d be a great talk show host!”
“Yeah, except his monologues at the start of the show would last the whole hour,” I said, snickering. “He’d start talkin’ real slow…” I lowered my voice, imitating Kevin’s mellow Kentucky drawl. “…tell some random, long-ass story, and run out of time to interview any guests.”
Everyone laughed, which helped to lighten the mood. I felt lighter myself, like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I leaned back against the couch, my body relaxing as my heartbeat returned to normal.
But when the laughter died down, Brian looked seriously at me. “Let’s go back to your situation for a second here, Nick,” he said. “What does this mean as far as work goes? We’re supposed to go back on tour in a month. Can you still perform?”
I nodded quickly. “I don’t see why not. The doctor didn’t put any restrictions on me. Actually, she encouraged me to get more exercise so I can lose some weight and strengthen my heart muscle. Dancing’s good cardio, right?
“Yeah. I just know how hard it was for me to make it through a two-hour show before and right after my heart surgery. I… We would understand if you wanted or needed to take some time off – right, fellas?” Brian stared down AJ and Howie, as if silently daring them to disagree.
“Of course,” Howie replied right away.
AJ nodded. “Like I said the last time we had this conversation, we’re at the point in our career when we can afford to take time off when we need it. Our health should come first – both physical health and mental health.” His eyes moved from me to Howie. “D, you’ve been dealing with a lot lately, too. So if you need more time off to mourn your loss, or Nick needs time to work on his sobriety and get healthy again, I’m down with that. Whatever you guys wanna do.”
Although I appreciated their support, I didn’t like the direction this discussion was headed in. The last thing I wanted to do was cancel another leg of the tour. “Look, if Howie needs time, let’s talk about that, but we don’t need to take any more time off for me. I’m fine,” I said firmly. “I want to perform. Personally, I can’t wait to go back on tour – no offense, Kev.”
Kevin laughed. “None taken. I’m with you, brother. Nick needs to go back on tour.” He looked around the room, his gaze landing on Brian and Howie before returning to me. “Y’all have no idea the shit he’s had to deal with these last three months.” When he caught my eye and winked, I had to bite down on my bottom lip to keep myself from bursting into laughter. The others chuckled, oblivious to the fact that didn’t just mean that figuratively. “He and AJ both deserve a break from me.”
“Aww, we love you, Kevy Kev!” cried AJ, who had never once wiped Kevin’s ass, despite vowing that he would. He had claimed he would do “literally anything” for Kevin, yet, somehow, I was the one who had ended up doing all the dirty work.
Kevin flashed him a tight-lipped smile. “And I love you… but this ‘Three Men and a Baby’ scenario was never meant to become a permanent living situation. Y’all need to go back to being popstars, and I need to find a way to keep moving forward in this new body of mine and be a father to my son.”
Thank you, Kevin, I thought gratefully. Even though he wasn’t in the group anymore, I knew the other guys would still listen to him and follow his advice.
“I’m fine with sticking to the schedule,” Howie said. “It’ll be good for me to get back to work and stay busy, you know?”
Thank you, Howie. I nodded at him. Way to be a team player.
“I guess that settles it then,” said Brian with a shrug. “The show must go on.”
Thank God.
***