Nick
“It’s funny how life can take new meaning. You came and changed what I believed in.”
I’d been singing those lyrics for six years, but I had never really connected with them on a personal level until Lauren Kitt came into my life.
I remembered Kevin telling me that when he first laid eyes on Kristin, it felt like someone had turned on a light. That was exactly how I felt about Lauren. She was like a beam of light that had brightened a year full of darkness.
On the last day of that year, Lauren and I watched the sunset from my balcony, which overlooked the beach. As the sun sank slowly into the water, leaving streaks of orange across the darkening blue sky, I thought about everything that had happened in the last twelve months and how much my life had changed as a result.
Last New Year’s Eve, I was in Las Vegas, partying with random women after playing a show with the guys. I wasn’t looking for love or commitment; I just wanted to get laid and have a good time.
This year was different. Lauren and I had decided to hang out at my house and ring in the new year together with a quiet night at home, just the two of us. She knew how hard it was to resist temptations on a holiday like this, having struggled with her own substance abuse and weight problems in the past, and she was nothing but supportive of my efforts to stay clean, sober, and healthy. We had gone grocery shopping together earlier in the week, gathering ingredients to prepare some low-carb snacks for the evening and a bottle of sparkling cider to pop open at midnight.
“You know, this time last year, if someone had told me I’d be spending the next New Year’s Eve this way, I probably wouldn’t have believed them,” I said to Lauren as I stared out at the ocean, watching the waves roll onto the rocky beach and retreat backward. “I would have thought it sounded so lame. But there’s nowhere I’d rather be tonight than right here with you.” I wrapped my arm around her, running my hand up and down her body through the blanket she wore over her sweatshirt.
“Aww, babe.” Lauren turned her face toward mine and kissed my cheek. “You’re so sweet. But I feel the same way.” She leaned into me, laying her head on my shoulder. “This is really nice.”
I nodded. “If this year’s taught me anything, it’s not to take a single moment for granted. I mean, it sounds so cliche, but you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone. I’ve learned to appreciate the little things in life more.”
“You’re thinking about Kevin, aren’t you?” she asked quietly.
“Yeah.” Of course, I was thinking about Kevin. This time last year, he and Kristin had probably been getting ready to go out, not knowing it would be their last night together. “Tomorrow will be the one-year anniversary,” I added, my throat tightening. What had happened to them served as a harsh reminder of how quickly life could change. In an instant, everything could be cruelly taken away.
Between Kevin’s accident and my health scare, I had never been more aware of my own mortality. And now that Lauren was in my life, I had even more to lose. Sometimes it scared me how much I cared about her, but I supposed it was better than not caring about anything.
“You should call him,” said Lauren. “I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.”
“Yeah, I was planning to a little later.” A part of me was dreading the phone call, worried it would bring me down on an otherwise beautiful night, but I knew Kevin needed to hear from the people in his life who loved him.
“Why don’t you just call him now?” she suggested, shaking off her blanket. “It’s getting cold out here anyway. I’m gonna go in and get started on dinner. You can come help me when you’re done.”
“Okay,” I agreed with a shrug.
I watched as she stood up and walked away, leaving her blanket behind. Once she went inside, I picked it up and wrapped it around my own shoulders. The soft fleece was still warm from her body and infused with the scent of her hair. It had become a familiar scent over the past few weeks as we’d spent more and more time together. I looked forward to waking up in the morning with that smell clinging to my pillowcase. What a nice way to start a new year.
Reaching into the front pocket of my hoodie, I retrieved my phone and scrolled through my recent contacts to find Kevin’s name. He had last called me on Christmas, which he had spent with his family in Kentucky and I’d spent with Angel and Aaron. I hadn’t seen him since the L.A. show.
The phone rang a few times before Kevin answered. “Hey, brother! Happy new year!” He sounded surprisingly upbeat, but I wondered if he was just acting that way for my benefit.
“Hey, Kev! Same to you, bro.” I leaned back in my chair, crossing one leg over the other. “I just wanted to call and see how you were doing.”
“I’m doin’ okay…” He didn’t try to hide his sadness that time; I could hear a hint of it in his tone. “It’s been a hard day, and tomorrow will probably be even harder, but I’m ready to put this year behind me.”
“I bet. Next year has to be better, right?”
“Once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up,” he agreed.
I nodded. “I hope that’s true for both of us.” Really, my rock bottom had been what I referred to as “The Night of the Zombies” back in 2006. Since then, my life had been a rollercoaster – a lot of highs, but just as many lows. I hoped I had finally gotten it back on the right track. No more downward spirals, only new heights. I was going to keep climbing until I was back on top and better than ever.
“It’s looking that way. You’ve sure turned your life around in the last six months,” said Kevin. “How are you ringing in the new year tonight?”
“Safely,” I replied quickly, wanting to reassure him. “I’m staying home. Lauren’s here, and we’re gonna have a low-key night in. She’s making some food right now, and then we’ll probably just watch a movie, watch the ball drop, and go to bed.”
“That sounds real nice, Nick,” said Kevin, his voice growing husky. “I miss nights like that with Kristin. Wish we’d done the same last year.”
Hearing the regret in his voice, I wished the same. “There’s no way you could have known what was gonna happen, Kev,” I told him. “Don’t blame yourself.”
“No, I know it’s not my fault. But, god, do I wish I could go back and do things differently. If only I had a Time-Turner like Hermione…”
I raised my eyebrows. “Kevin Richardson, was that a Harry Potter reference?”
He chuckled. “Sure was. You’ll be happy to know I finally finished the first book a few weeks ago. Turns out, my nephew Will is a big fan. When he found out I was reading it, he had Tim order audiobooks of the rest of the series for me for Christmas. That way, I don’t have to worry about holding a heavy book or waste time trying to turn the pages; I can just listen to it, which is a lot faster for me.”
“Oh, good idea! Wish I’d thought of that,” I said, frowning.
“No worries, man. You were right, though – it is really good,” he admitted. “I’m on the fourth book already. I can’t wait ‘til Mason’s old enough to read them with me.”
“Yes!” I pumped my fist in the air. “Welcome to the twenty-first century.”
He laughed. “Thanks. And thanks again for giving me that book in the first place.”
“Right back at ya, bro. At the rate we’re going, we could start a Backstreet book club.”
“Hey, that’s not a bad idea, Nick. I could always use new book recommendations,” he replied seriously, even though I was just joking. “One of my resolutions is to read more. I figure my brain is one of the few parts of my body that still works the way it’s supposed to, so I might as well focus on hobbies that will help it stay strong.”
“That’s smart,” I said, happy to hear him thinking about the future again. “So, what are you doing tonight, besides listening to Harry Potter?”
“About the same as you, minus the beautiful woman. Not that my momma’s not beautiful, but… you know what I mean.”
I laughed. “You gonna make it to midnight, old man?”
“I’m gonna try. I make no promises, though. You know how being in this chair wears me out. Besides, I’m at the mercy of Ma and Jerald. Obviously, I rely on one of them to help me get into bed, so if they’re both ready to turn in before midnight, I’ll have to go to bed then, too.”
“How’s that been going?” Knowing how reluctant Kevin had been to go back to Kentucky in the first place, I was surprised he had stayed there for as long as he had.
“Not bad,” he replied. “A lot better than I thought it would, to be honest. Jer has really stepped up to help me with most of the personal care stuff I didn’t want my mom doing, so it’s actually worked out pretty well.”
“I’m glad to hear that, bro.”
“Yeah, things have been looking up,” he said. “I’ve been hanging out with Keith a lot lately. He’s trying to get me back into songwriting.”
“That’s great!” I smiled at the thought of Kevin returning to music in some capacity. “You should definitely do that.”
“I guess it would be a good way to channel my feelings. Physically, everything’s just so much harder now,” he said with a sigh. “I can’t just sit down at the piano and tinker the way I used to.”
“Well, maybe we could work together when you come back to California,” I offered. “We’d make a great co-writing team. You come up with the lyrics and melody, and I’ll write ‘em down and figure out the chords and stuff on my guitar.”
Kevin cleared his throat. “Yeah, about that… I have some big news. After talking with Keith and my family, I’ve come to a decision.”
“You’re rejoining the group!” I blurted before I had a chance to think about it.
“What? No.” He paused, and I could picture him frowning. “I told you, Nick, that’s never gonna happen. Sorry, but I’m never gonna be a Backstreet Boy again.”
“Never say never, dawg. Like AJ always says, ‘Once a Backstreet Boy, always a Backstreet Boy.’” I tried to play it off like a joke, but deep down, I was disappointed. For just a moment, I had gotten my hopes up, thinking that was the big news he had been leading up to. I should have known better.
“Look, I appreciate y’all including me. I had a lot of fun onstage at the L.A. show,” he admitted. “But even if I wanted to come back, it just wouldn’t be practical. I’m a single parent and a quadriplegic. Mason needs me more than ever now, and I need to put all my energy into becoming as independent as I can and being the best dad that I can be. Which is part of why I’ve made the decision to leave L.A. and move back to Lexington.”
“What?” I gasped. “You mean, you’re not coming back to Cali either?”
“I will for a few weeks, just to tie up loose ends and get the house ready to put on the market. But I won’t stay long.”
“You’re selling the house?” I asked in disbelief. He had always been adamant about staying in the home he had bought with Kristin. Wasn’t that that whole point of renovating it to make it wheelchair accessible?
“As much as I don’t want to, I think it’s for the best. It doesn’t make sense for me to own two homes anymore. I mean, financially, I’m fine, especially after the settlement from Kristin’s lawsuit, but that may not always be the case. I have to think about the future.”
Frowning, I leaned forward and pressed the phone tighter to my ear. “Kev, you know I’d always have your back if you needed help, financially or otherwise, right?” I said in a low voice.
“I know, Nick, and that’s really nice of you, but I need to learn to stand on my own two feet again – figuratively speaking, anyway. And you need to think about your own future. Someday, you might have a family of your own to support.”
“Psh… doubtful.”
“Never say never, dawg. You and Lauren seem to be doing well so far.”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, but we’ve only been seeing each other for a couple months. It’s way too soon to start talking about that kind of a commitment.”
“I know. I wasn’t suggesting you propose or start making babies with her tonight,” Kevin said, chuckling. “But you never know what’s gonna happen down the road.”
I turned around, looking through the balcony doors behind me. I could see Lauren behind the counter in my brightly-lit kitchen, slicing something on a cutting board. Even wearing a pair of baggy sweats with no makeup and her hair in a messy bun, she was beautiful. I liked that she already felt comfortable enough around me to come over looking like her natural self and not some fake Barbie doll. Lauren was different from Paris Hilton and the other women I’d dated, and that was one thing I loved about her. She was real.
“Anyway…” Kevin cleared his throat, bringing me back to the conversation. “That’s another reason I’m moving home. The cost of living is a lot lower in Kentucky. Keith and I have also been talking about trying to reopen The Music Workshop. If all goes well, I could earn an income and stay involved in the music business that way.”
“That would be really cool,” I replied, nodding. “You should do it, man. You’d make a great mentor for up-and-coming musicians.”
“Thanks. We’ll see.”
I leaned back in my chair, pulling the blanket tighter around myself. “I bet your mom’s happy you finally caved about coming back to Kentucky.”
“Oh, she is. But she didn’t have to talk me into it. I just realized how much better it’ll be for Mason to grow up around his extended family. In L.A., he has no one but me and his nanny, but here in Lexington, he’s got his grandmother, aunt and uncles, and cousins. He had so much fun playing with Will and Olivia at Christmas. I know I’ll never be able to give him a sibling, so I want him to at least have a close relationship with his cousins like I do.”
“Makes sense,” I said. “I’ll miss seeing you when I’m in L.A… but hey, Kentucky’s close to Tennessee. I can always come up to visit when I’m in that part of the country.”
“Please do. I’m gonna miss you, too.”
I smiled. “Don’t worry; I’ll still call you when I need some Kevin words of wisdom.”
He chuckled. “And you know I’ll still call to check in and see how you’re doing… make sure you’re sticking to your diet and staying on the wagon.”
“Hey, you’ll be happy to know that Lauren and I have healthy snacks and non-alcoholic drinks on hand for New Year’s tonight,” I told him, taking another peek inside. Lauren was standing in front of the stove now, stirring a pot of something.
“I’m proud of you, little brother. You’ve come a long way in the last year.”
“So have you,” I said. “I’m proud of you, too, Kev.” I paused as a memory popped into my mind, one of my lowest points of the year. “You remember that night, right after your accident, when I got really drunk and told TMZ you were gonna walk again?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, I may have been wrong about that, but I was right about one thing: You’re a badass. You always have been, and you always will be. Whenever things get tough, I want you to remember that. You already survived just about the worst thing that can happen to someone, and you’re only gonna get stronger from here on out. You’ve got this.”
“Thanks, Nick,” said Kevin, his voice thick. “Not just for the pep talk, but for everything you did for me this year. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you.”
“Right back at ya, bro,” I replied, smiling. “In a way, you may have saved my life, too. I wouldn’t be as healthy as I am now without your help.”
“I can’t take the credit for that. You did all the hard work yourself.”
“Yeah, well, you held me accountable, and that was huge,” I said, shifting my weight in my chair. “I may not have wanted to admit it at the time, but I needed help, and you were there for me. So, thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” he replied. “Just promise me you’ll reach out if you ever find yourself slipping back into your old habits. No matter where I live, I’m always just a phone call away.”
I nodded. “I know. And I will.”
“Good.” He paused. “Listen, I’ll let you go now so you can get back to doing whatever you were gonna do with Lauren. I’m glad you called. It’s always good to hear from you.”
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I promised as I stood up, making a mental note to call him again in the morning. “Hang in there. The first anniversary’s gotta be the hardest.”
“Yeah… thanks, Nick. Enjoy your night,” he said, his voice sounding strained again, like he was struggling not to cry. “Happy new year.”
“Happy new year, Kevin.” I swallowed hard, hating to hang up and leave him like that. But I knew there was nothing else I could say that would take his pain away. While most of the world was celebrating the start of a new year, he was mourning the end of a year without his wife, the worst year of his life. But tomorrow was the first day of the rest of his life, and next year would be better. It had to be. “I love you, bro,” I added before we got off the phone.
“I love you, too, brother,” he replied hoarsely. “More than you know.”
But I knew how much he loved me, just like I knew he was going to be okay.
After we hung up, I slipped my phone back into my pocket and leaned over the balcony railing, looking out at the black ocean. By now, the sun had sunk below the horizon, and the sky had lost its orange streaks. The moon was nowhere in sight. There was nothing left to look at but an endless sea of navy blue. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the fresh, salty air, and let it out slowly. Then I turned my back on the dark night, opened the balcony door, and walked into the warm light of my condo, where Lauren was waiting for me.
The End