Chapter 10

“Don’t panic,” Keith said in a calming voice as I sat on the bed, freaking out. “Let’s think. Are you sure you had the necklace on today?”

I nodded, tears streaming down my face. “I never take it off. I was wearing it on the plane.”

“When was the last time you remember seeing it?”

I went back through the flight in my mind’s eye, picturing myself absently rubbing my pendant and Brian asking if I was all right. “Just before takeoff, I think.”

“Okay… so let’s retrace your steps – or, uh, tire tracks.” Keith offered me a crooked smile, his cheeks turning red.

I snorted and shook my head as I took a mental inventory of all the places I had been: the plane… the jet bridge… the airport terminal… baggage claim… the van… the sidewalk… the hotel lobby… the elevator… and the hallway leading to my room. It could have fallen off anywhere along the way.

“Hopefully someone will find it and turn it in,” Keith said. “Why don’t you start calling around to see if anyone’s come across it? I’ll take a walk down to the lobby to look for it here. If we have to, we can always go back to the airport.”

I gave him a grateful nod. “Thanks.”

He handed me my phone, then took the room key and walked out, leaving me sitting on the bed. I looked up the number for the airport first. My mind raced as I listened to the phone ring. All I could think was, Our wedding rings… gone. That necklace was as irreplaceable as Kristin herself. I couldn’t believe I had lost it.

When someone finally answered the phone, I hurriedly explained what had happened. After being transferred several times to different extensions, I was able to leave my name and number with a woman who promised to notify me if the necklace turned up in lost and found. By the time I hung up with her, I had a pounding headache.

My next call was to the airline. I was still on hold with them when Keith came back. “No luck,” he said in a low voice, shaking his head. “Sorry, man.”

I sighed. “Not your fault. Thanks for looking.”

“No problem. I did let the front desk know in case someone turns it in.” He tipped his head toward my phone, which was sitting beside me on the bed, muffled on-hold music blaring through its speaker. “Have you been able to get through to anyone?”

Before I could answer, the phone suddenly beeped. I waited for a voice to come on the line, but the jazzy canned music continued to play. Glancing down at the screen, I saw that I had an incoming call. I didn’t recognize the number, but the caller ID traced it to Atlanta, Georgia. I quickly tapped to accept the call. “‘Hello?”

“Hi, may I speak to Kevin Richardson?” a woman’s voice replied.

“This is he.”

“Hi, Mr. Richardson, this is Natalie Crawford calling from Delta Air Lines. I was your flight attendant today.”

“Of course.” I recognized her Southern accent. There was only one reason I could think of for a flight attendant to be calling me after the flight. Looking up at Keith, whose eyebrows were high on his forehead as he listened to our conversation, I could tell he was thinking the same thing. “Did you by chance find my necklace?” I asked hopefully. “The infinity symbol on a chain?” I held my breath as I waited for her answer.

“I sure did! It was lying on the floor in front of your seat. I saw it when I was doing one last sweep of my section and figured it had to be yours.”

I let out my breath in a low sigh of relief, my body slumping as I released the tension in my shoulders. “Oh, thank God!” I smiled at Keith, who grinned back and gave me a thumbs up. “I just got off the phone with someone at Heathrow and was trying to get through to Delta when you called,” I told Natalie. “Did you turn it in to the airport’s lost and found?”

“Oh, Lord, no! You’ll never get it back quickly that way,” she said, laughing. “They make you fill out a form and pay a fee first, and half the time, they claim they still can’t find your property because they’re too lazy to look for it. Let me save you some time and money and deliver it to you myself. Just tell me where to find you, and I’ll bring it by this afternoon.”

“Really?” I said in surprise. “You would do that?”

“Sure – it’s no trouble at all. I’m in town for two nights until my next flight, so I’ve got time to kill.”

“Well, okay… if you’re sure you don’t mind…”

“Not at all. I’m on the shuttle to my hotel right now, so give me half an hour or so to drop off my bag and change clothes, and then I’ll head your way.”

I gave her the name of our hotel and arranged to meet her in the lobby. “God bless you, Natalie,” I said before we hung up. “You have no idea how happy you’ve made me. I can’t thank you enough.”

“You’re welcome!” she replied. “I’ll see you real soon, all right?”

“All right, sounds good,” I said. “Thanks again!”

I got off the phone to find Keith smirking at me. “Dude… she’s into you.”

“What?” I said, surprised. “Why do you think that?”

He raised his eyebrows. “A flight attendant called you herself about a piece of jewelry you lost on her plane and is coming to your hotel to hand-deliver it to you? Why would she do that if she wasn’t into you?”

“‘Cause she’s a nice person?” I shrugged. “You heard her – she just wanted to make sure I get it back right away without having to jump through a bunch of hoops at the airport.”

“Yeah, okay… you keep telling yourself that, Kev. ‘Cause that’s totally something any flight attendant would do: personally deliver lost property to random passengers in foreign cities on their down time,” he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “C’mon, dude, wake up. Nice or not, no woman would waste her time that way if she wasn’t interested. It’s either that, or she’s hoping for a reward.”

“Well, I’m happy to give her one if that’s what she wants,” I replied. “You know that necklace is priceless to me.”

He nodded and smiled. “You better finish getting dressed so you can go downstairs and meet her then.”

I put on my t-shirt, and Keith helped me transfer back to my chair. As we rode down in the elevator, I thought about what he’d said, wondering if Natalie had ulterior motives for helping me. Maybe she was a Backstreet Boys fan, and that was why she was so willing to bring my necklace all the way to my hotel. Or maybe she did just want money. I couldn’t imagine that a beautiful young woman like her would be interested in a crippled old man like me for anything more than my wealth and fame, especially after witnessing me wet my pants on the plane. My face grew hot as I thought about what had happened during the flight. Natalie had saved my ass then, too. I never thought I would have to see her again.

We waited in the lobby for close to forty-five minutes before Natalie finally came through the door. She noticed me before I recognized her; she had changed out of her uniform into jeans and a sweater. “Hi, Mr. Richardson!” she said cheerfully as she walked toward me.

“You can call me Kevin,” I replied, smiling at her with relief. “You’re off the clock now, aren’t you?”

Smiling back, she nodded. “Here it is.” She held out her hand to show me my chain with the infinity pendant made from Kristin’s and my wedding rings. “It looks like the clasp broke.”

“That’s okay; I’m sure I can find a jeweler to fix it. Thanks for bringing it back to me. You can give it to my friend Keith here, and he’ll put it in a safe place in my bag for me,” I said with a pointed look at Keith. I didn’t want Natalie digging through the pockets of my bag and seeing my catheters and clean underwear. As Keith took the necklace from her, I handed her the last of the American bills I had left in my wallet. “For your trouble.”

Natalie’s eyes widened as she looked at the wad of cash. “Oh, thank you, Kevin, but I can’t take this.”

“Consider it a tip,” I told her. “For your great service on the flight and for going above and beyond after we landed. I can’t thank you enough.”

She smiled. “That’s sweet, but, really, I’m not supposed to accept tips. If anyone at work found out, I could get in trouble.”

“Well, at least let me buy you a drink or something.” The words spilled from my lips before I could stop them.

Natalie raised her eyebrows. “Now, that I could do. I am off the clock, like you said… and I could use a drink. Does this hotel have a bar?” She looked around the lobby.

“I… I don’t know.” I was thoroughly unprepared for this. What had possessed me to ask her out for drinks? I hadn’t planned on doing that, but now that she’d said yes, I couldn’t exactly take back the invitation.

“Well, let’s take a little walk and see, shall we?” she suggested. Suddenly, her smile faded as her face turned pink. “I’m sorry – I shouldn’t have said ‘walk.’”

I chuckled. Somehow, seeing her put her foot in her mouth helped me relax a little. “It’s okay. I still say ‘walk’ myself sometimes. But I like the word ‘stroll’ best. It’s like a combination of ‘stride’ and ‘roll.’”

Her smile returned, brightening her brown eyes. “Then let’s take a stroll!”

Keith cleared his throat. Looking up, I saw him watching us with the same little smirk he’d had on in the room. I could tell he was thinking, I told you so, but all he said was, “Unless you want me to come with you, Kev, I’m gonna go back up to the room and chill for a while. I’m beat.”

I gave him a nod and a knowing smile. “That’s fine. We won’t go far.”

As he turned toward the elevator, Natalie and I went in the opposite direction. She walked alongside me as I wheeled myself across the shiny tiled floor without a clue as to where I was going or what I was going to say when I got there.

We eventually found the hotel bar, which was empty except for a young couple who appeared to be killing time before they left for the airport, judging by the pile of luggage sitting beside them. “Afternoon,” said the sole bartender on duty as we approached the bar. “What’ll you have?”

I looked at Natalie. “A glass of Moscato, please,” she said, smiling.

“And I’ll have a pint of whatever’s your most popular beer.” I was sitting too low to see what he had on tap, but I didn’t really care. He poured me a lager and Natalie a glass of white wine. She carried both our drinks over to a table in the corner, pulling one of the chairs out of the way so I could wheel myself up to the table. “Thanks,” I said as she set my beer down in front of me.

“Thank you,” she said, sitting down across from me. “It feels good to relax after a long flight.” She took a sip of her wine.

“I bet. Your feet must hurt after walking up and down the aisle for eight hours in heels.”

She nodded. “If only we could wear tennis shoes. But I can’t complain – most days, I love my job.”

“It’s cool to get to travel and see the world, isn’t it?” I said knowingly.

“Yes! That’s why I wanted to be a flight attendant – and why I love long-haul flights. They let me spend more time in the cities I travel to, instead of turning right around and flying back home.”

As she talked, I wrapped both hands around my pint glass, picked it up carefully, and tipped it toward my mouth to take a drink. The beer wasn’t bad, though it was never as cold in European countries as it was back home. “What’s your favorite city to visit?” I asked Natalie.

“Hm, tough question… but if I had to pick one, it would probably be Rome,” she replied after a pause. “There’s so much history and culture there. The architecture is cool, the weather’s great, and, of course, the food is amazing!”

I nodded. “I love Italy. My wife and I went there on our honeymoon. We always talked about going back for a family vacation someday, but we never got the chance. She passed away a few years ago.”

Natalie pursed her lips, giving me a sympathetic look. “I’m so sorry.” As she sipped her drink, I mentally scolded myself for bringing up my dead wife and dragging down the mood. But I supposed Kristin would have eventually come up in conversation anyway.

“Thanks.” After a pause, I added, “That’s why that necklace means so much to me. It was made of both our wedding bands melted together.”

“Aww… that’s really sweet,” said Natalie, smiling. “I’m glad I was able to get it back to you.”

“Me too.” I took another swig of beer to stop myself from talking any more about Kristin. Swallowing, I said, “So, what about you? Do you have anyone special waiting for you at home?” I glanced at her left hand, noticing she wasn’t wearing a ring.

“Yeah, I live with this great guy named Colby,” she replied.

Of course you do, I thought, slumping in my chair. I knew there was no way a woman like her could be interested in a man like me, but far from feeling triumphant that I was right and Keith was wrong, I just felt disappointed. I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I guess that was the real reason I’d offered to buy her a drink.

“He has gorgeous green eyes and ginger hair,” Natalie went on dreamily, “and he gives the best kisses. If only his breath didn’t stink like tuna all the time…”

“Wait, what?” I sat up straighter.

She grinned. “Did I mention he has a tail?”

I burst out laughing. “I take it Colby’s a cat?”

“Yup! Colby Jack Crawford,” she said proudly. “The biggest commitment I’ve ever made. I adopted him as a kitten, and he’s lived with me for the last four years – far longer than any of my relationships have lasted.”

I felt myself relax upon realizing she was single. “So, who takes care of Colby when you’re out of the country?”

“My roommate, Sarah.”

“I had a cat once,” I said, smiling. “Quincy. I loved that little dude, but he died a long time ago.”

“Do you have any pets now?” she asked.

I shook my head. “I have my hands full right now trying to take care of a four-year-old human, but I’d like to get a dog someday. Maybe when my son Mason’s a little older and can help out more.”

“That sounds like a good plan,” said Natalie. “I like dogs, too – all animals, really. I grew up around them. My daddy’s a farmer. He mostly grows peanuts and cotton, but he keeps a small herd of cattle, too. And, of course, we always had cats and dogs. Chickens, too.”

“So you’re a farmer’s daughter, huh? That’s cool.” Somehow, it put me at ease to hear that this sophisticated flight attendant had roots in the rural south, same as I did. “I lived on a ten-acre farm when I was little. We didn’t grow crops, but we raised animals – horses, cows, pigs, and chickens. Now, I have a nineteenth-century farmhouse on a large piece of land outside of Lexington, Kentucky, but no livestock. I bought the property more for privacy.”

“That sounds nice. I bet it’s beautiful there.”

I nodded. “I love it. I’ve always been a country boy at heart.”

She smiled. “Not me. I couldn’t wait to move to the big city. I’m based in Atlanta; I love living there and flying to other cities all over the world.”

“I remember feeling the same way. I moved to Orlando after high school to look for a job. I lived there for a few years and then L.A. Never thought I’d end up back in Kentucky, but after my wife died, I wanted to be closer to my family so they could help me with Mason.”

“That makes sense. Mason must be back home, then?”

I nodded again. “He’s staying with my mom.”

“I see,” said Natalie, twiddling with the stem of her wine glass. “So, what brings you to London? Business or pleasure?”

“A little bit of both, actually. My friend Keith and I came with my cousin, Brian, who’s here for business.” It wasn’t a lie, though, of course, I had left out a few details. I wasn’t sure if she even knew who we were, but if she did, I didn’t want to risk spoiling the big announcement the Boys planned to make at their London show in two weeks.

“Ah, I see. And are your friends Nick, AJ, and Howie coming here for business, too?” she asked, the corners of her mouth twitching into a sly smile.

So she did know who she was talking to. Smirking, I said, “As a matter of fact, they are.”

Her little smile grew into a full-on grin. “I thought they might be.”

“You’re good,” I said, tipping my head toward her. “I couldn’t tell if you knew who I was or not.”

She giggled. “Of course I know who you are. I couldn’t let my inner fangirl come out while I was working, though.”

“You were very professional,” I replied. “I appreciate that.”

“Thanks. If there’s one thing I’ve learned working in first class, it’s that most famous people want to be treated the same as any other passenger.”

“Have you met many celebrities that way?” I wondered.

She nodded. “A few. I get a lot of rappers on my flights. Sometimes actors, if they’re filming in Georgia. The most famous person I’ve served is probably Elton John. He actually has a place in Atlanta, so he flies this route pretty often.”

“That’s awesome,” I said. “I’ve met Elton; we performed with him a couple times back in the day. He’s a cool guy. I’ve always been a big fan of him.”

“Yeah, he’s great!” she agreed.

I smiled at her over the rim of my glass as I raised it to my lips again, realizing how easy she was to talk to. “So,” I said, setting the glass back down on the table, “what kind of music do you like?”

“I listen to a little of everything, but mostly country and pop,” she replied. “Don’t laugh, but I was a major Blockhead when I was a little girl.”

“Blockhead?” I repeated, confused.

“A New Kids on the Block fan,” she said, giggling as a faint blush rose in her cheeks. “My big sister and I were obsessed.”

“Ohh, right. I forgot that’s what their fans were called. I guess I would have remembered that if I was part of the supergroup.”

“NKOTBSB!” Her eyes lit up. “We saw their show in Atlanta last summer. So much fun! It was my first time seeing the Backstreet Boys live, and they were fantastic!”

“They’re starting the European leg of the tour in a week or so,” I said, smiling. “That’s why Brian and the other fellas flew here. I’m just hanging out with them for a few days before the first show.”

Natalie took a drink of her wine. “Forgive me for not knowing as much about the Backstreet Boys as I do the New Kids, but why did you leave the group again? Was it because you got hurt?”

I shook my head. “Actually, no; I left about a year-and-a-half before that. I didn’t feel inspired anymore, and my wife and I wanted to start a family, so I decided to take a break. We had our son, Mason, and then, six months later, my whole world fell apart.”

“I remember hearing about the accident,” she said, looking at me with sympathy. “I’m so sorry that happened to you. It must have been horrible.”

I nodded. “It was. It took me a long time to heal, but I’m doing better now. I’ve been trying to get back on my feet, so to speak, and move on with my life.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” She smiled. “Have you ever thought about going back to the group?”

It took all of my effort to keep a straight face. I avoided answering directly by returning her question with one of my own: “Would you wanna see a boy band with one guy in a wheelchair?”

“Sure, why not?” She shrugged. “It works on Glee. Do you watch that show?”

I shook my head.

“Well, one of the characters, Artie, uses a wheelchair, and he’s a great performer! I don’t think the actor who plays him is disabled in real life, but he does a good job singing and dancing in his chair on the show.”

“Hm, I’ll have to check that out,” I said, reaching for my glass.

The conversation flowed as smoothly as the beer, and when we finished our first round of drinks, I bought us a second. I could have stayed there for the rest of the afternoon, just talking to her. But after her second glass of Moscato, Natalie stifled a yawn with her hand and said, “Well, Kevin, it’s been really nice talking to you, but I’m ready to head back to my hotel and crash.”

“I bet you’re exhausted,” I replied, remembering that she had been up all night working rather than sleeping on the flight.

She nodded. “Yes, but I’m also nice and relaxed now.” She smiled as she held up her empty wine glass. “Thanks for the drinks.”

“Thanks again for finding my necklace.” I pushed myself away from the table as she stood up, and we left the bar together. “How far is your hotel from here?” I asked when we got back to the lobby, wondering if I should give her money for cab fare.

“Not far – just a few blocks away. It’s a short walk back.”

I looked out the front doors. It was still light outside, but, wanting to be a gentleman, I offered, “Would you like me to walk you there?”

“You mean stroll with me?” Her nose crinkled as she smiled. “No, that’s okay. There’s plenty of daylight left, and you told your friend you wouldn’t go far. I don’t think you should be rolling down the London streets alone – what if you got mobbed by a flock of rabid fans?”

I laughed. “It’s a risk I’m willing to take, but if you’re sure you’ll be all right…” I wasn’t going to insist on escorting her, but I had enjoyed her company so much, I wasn’t ready for her to go.

“I appreciate your concern, but I’ll be fine,” she assured me. “I know how to handle myself in a big city.”

“How long did you say you were staying in London?” I asked, wondering if she would be willing to go out on a real date with me.

“Two nights. My next flight leaves Tuesday morning.”

“Well, I have plans with the fellas during the day tomorrow, but if you’re not doing anything tomorrow night, maybe we could grab dinner?” I kept my tone light and casual, but inwardly, I tried to brace myself for rejection.

I half-expected her to turn me down, but to my delight, Natalie’s face brightened. “That would be nice. You already have my number, so why don’t you call me once you’re free?”

“Was that your personal cell phone you called me from earlier?” I asked, surprised. “How did you get my number?”

She nodded. “I had the gate agent look up your reservation in our system. I hope you’re not mad about it…”

“Not at all,” I replied quickly, giving her a reassuring smile. “I’m just glad to have my necklace back. I’ll give you a call tomorrow, and we can go from there.”

“Sounds good,” she said, smiling back. “I guess I’ll see you soon then.”

“Looking forward to it,” I said. “Now, go get some sleep.”

“Looking forward to it!” she echoed as she walked away. I watched her go through the front door and disappear down the street before I turned to wheel myself to the elevator.

By the time I made it back up to my room, Howie, Nick, and AJ had arrived. Lauren and Rochelle had come with Nick and AJ, while both Howie and Brian’s wives had stayed at home with their kids.

When they heard what had happened, the women volunteered to take care of my necklace for me. “We were planning to go shopping tomorrow anyway,” said Rochelle, looking at Lauren. “I’m sure we can find somewhere to get it fixed or at least get a new chain for it.”

“Really? That would be great,” I replied. “Thanks so much!”

I let Lauren hold on to the necklace for safekeeping. But I felt naked without it around my neck while I got ready for bed that night.

“So, tell me about this flight attendant you had drinks with,” Nick said as he helped me stretch. “Was she hot?”

“Yeah, she was hot,” I admitted, a smile creeping across my face. “But, more importantly, she was nice – and compassionate. Did Brian or Keith tell y’all about my embarrassing moment on the plane.”

“No…” Nick glanced back at the bathroom, where Keith was showering. “What happened?”

I was surprised to hear that Brian hadn’t already told the story, turning the entire thing into a joke. I supposed he had realized that since I was keeping a secret for him, he should return the favor. But now that I’d brought it up, I felt obligated to tell Nick. “I had an accident,” I admitted, feeling my face heat up. “My condom catheter came off while I was sleeping, and I pissed my pants.”

Nick grimaced as he set my left leg down on the bed and picked up the right, raising it until my ankle was resting on his shoulder to stretch out my hamstring. “Damn, dude, that sucks. What the hell’s a condom catheter?”

His question reminded me just how long it had been since he’d helped me like this. “Exactly what it sounds like: it’s an external catheter that goes on like a condom. I wear one at night now that I don’t have the indwelling catheter anymore.”

“Oh.” His face reddened. “Do you, uh, need help getting that hooked up?”

I nodded. “I’ll show you when I’m done stretching… if you don’t mind.”

“No, it’s fine,” he said, flashing me a rather forced-looking smile.

“Thanks, Nick. I appreciate it.”

“So, what happened with the flight attendant?” he asked as he lowered my leg and bent my knee, bringing it close to my chest. “How’d she react to you pissing yourself on the plane?”

“Oh, yeah. Well, she didn’t say anything about it directly, but she did spill apple juice all over my lap – on purpose, I’m pretty sure – to cover it up. It’s a trick my quad class instructor taught us in rehab: if you ever piss yourself in public, spill a drink on yourself to disguise it.”

Nick laughed. “That’s smart. So, you’re saying this chick knew you pissed your pants on her plane, and she still went out for drinks with you afterward?”

“Well, I changed first,” I said quickly, feeling my face flush.

He raised his eyebrows. “She must have thought you were hot – that, or she’s a raging alcoholic who just wanted free drinks.”

“She only had two glasses of wine, so I don’t think she’s a raging alcoholic. And she did agree to go out to dinner with me tomorrow night…”

“So she likes you!” he declared triumphantly. “Way to go, Kev! It’s good to see you putting yourself out there again.”

“Thanks,” I said, smiling sheepishly.

At first, I felt proud of myself for asking Natalie out. But later that night, long after Nick had gone back to his own room and Keith had started snoring in the other bed, my anxiety set in. I lay awake in the dark with my head pounding and my mind racing, somehow too exhausted to fall asleep. As I reflected on the day’s unexpected turn of events, I felt ashamed – and guilty. As much as I wanted to move on with my life, it felt almost like a betrayal to admit that I was attracted to another woman – as if having feelings for Natalie made me unfaithful to Kristin. I knew it was absurd; my wife was gone, and she wasn’t coming back. She wouldn’t want me to be alone for the rest of my life. But how could I move on without her?

Out of habit, I reached for my infinity pendant, wanting to press it into my skin and feel the reassuring weight of our wedding rings around my neck as a reminder of my neverending love for Kristin. But, of course, it wasn’t there.

I ran my forearm across the blank space on my bare chest, feeling the faint vibration of the broken heart beating inside it. Was it even fair to Natalie to go out with her again, knowing my heart would always belong to another woman? What did she see in me, anyway? I was a broken man – not just physically, but emotionally as well. Was I kidding myself to think she could actually be interested in me? Maybe she’d only agreed to go out with me because she felt sorry for me.

The longer I lay awake with these thoughts running through my head, the more I began to doubt myself. Even after I finally fell asleep, my anxiety manifested as nightmares. I was in the middle of one of my recurring dreams about dancing with Kristin on a stage when, suddenly, the music stopped. As we held our positions, the spotlight shining on us, I heard the audience laughing. I looked down and saw liquid streaming down the inside of my leg. When I looked back up at my dance partner in horror, she had turned into Natalie. “It’s okay,” she said, holding up a jug of apple juice. “Here.” Then she proceeded to pour the whole jug over my head. The audience laughed even louder as Natalie ran off the stage. I wanted to follow her, but my feet felt stuck to the floor as I stood there with juice dripping down my face. I couldn’t move a muscle. “Kevin, c’mon!” she called, beckoning to me from the wings. “Kevin!”

“Kevin?”

I woke up with a start to find Keith hovering over me, gently shaking my shoulder. My face was covered with cold sweat. “What time is it?” I muttered, feeling disoriented as I looked around. The hotel room was still dark except for the lamp between the two beds, which Keith must have turned on.

“Two a.m. You said you needed to be turned over at this time.”

“Oh… yeah…” I talked him through the process of rolling me onto my opposite side so I wouldn’t get a pressure sore from lying in the same position on the firm hotel mattress for too long. He finished repositioning the pillows around me, then turned off the light and climbed back into bed. Within minutes, he was snoring again. Meanwhile, I lay awake, unable to toss and turn as I tried to fall asleep all over again.

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