As the sun went down, the temperature finally began to drop.
For dinner that evening, we made shish kabobs. Natalie and I worked together to assemble them by putting pieces of marinated meat and vegetables on long skewers and took turns manning the grill as they cooked. Paired with fresh watermelon and roasted sweet corn, they made for a perfect summer meal eaten outside on the patio.
After we ate, we went back inside to watch a movie. I let Natalie pick the movie, of course. She spent a long time poring over my large collection of DVDs, looking at every title before she finally selected a romantic comedy I didn’t even remember owning. Kristin must have bought that one, I thought as Natalie popped the disc into the DVD player.
Before she pressed play, Dawn showed her how to help me transfer to the couch so we could cuddle while we watched. “Call me when you’re ready for bed,” Dawn said in a low voice, giving me a sly wink when Natalie wasn’t looking. Then she turned to go back upstairs, leaving the two of us alone together.
Natalie gave me a sidelong glance. “Is it weird having her here at your house all the time?” she asked after Dawn had gone.
I shrugged. “Not really. It was when we were first getting to know each other, but now… Well, you have a roommate, right?”
She nodded.
“It’s no different from that. It’s actually kinda nice to have another adult around, someone I can have a real conversation with that doesn’t revolve around dinosaurs and boogers.”
Natalie laughed. “I guess that makes sense. And, like, don’t get me wrong – Dawn seems great. But… I dunno; I kinda feel like a twelve-year-old girl at a sleepover again, as the friend’s mom is going to bed: ‘You kids keep it quiet down here… and don’t stay up too late,’” she imitated, wagging her finger.
Chuckling, I shook my head. “She didn’t mean it that way at all. It’s just that I have a whole night routine I need her help with. That’s why it’s easier to have a live-in caregiver as opposed to someone who has to come over at least twice a day.”
“I see.” Natalie looked curious, but she didn’t ask any more questions. I supposed I had misled her a little in the beginning of our relationship by referring to Dawn as “Mason’s nanny” instead of “my caregiver,” but she must have realized by now that Dawn filled both roles.
I cleared my throat. “You ready to start the movie now?”
She nodded, reaching for the remote.
Lounging on the couch with my feet stretched out on the ottoman in front of me and my arm draped around Natalie, I felt almost normal. It was nice to sit next to her with our heads at the same level and our bodies so close that they could actually touch without my wheelchair getting in the way. I ran my hand up and down her arm as she curled up alongside me, resting her head on my shoulder.
By the end of the movie, she was practically in my lap with one arm draped across my chest and both her legs hooked over one of mine. “What should we do now?” I asked, looking down at her as the credits rolled.
“Wanna go upstairs and fool around?” she replied, glancing up at me with a suggestive grin.
My breath caught in my throat. “Okay,” I said hoarsely. “Do you think you can help me get back into my chair, or should I call Dawn?”
“No, don’t call Dawn. I can do it,” Natalie insisted, sitting up. Untangling herself from me first, she got off the couch. One at a time, she lifted my legs off the ottoman, carefully lowering my feet to the floor. Then she moved the ottoman out of the way and brought my wheelchair over, parking it next to the couch before putting on the brakes. Working together and talking through each step of the process, we managed to transfer me back to my chair without incident. Once I was buckled in safely, Natalie breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay!” she exclaimed, clapping her hands together. “See? I knew we could do it.”
“You did great,” I said, smiling at her. “Now we get to go upstairs and do it all over again in reverse. Unless you just wanna mess around in my chair again…”
She shook her head. “No… let’s try the bed. I feel like I know what I’m doing better now; I won’t let you fall this time.”
“It’ll be a lot easier here than in that hotel room,” I reassured her, reaching for the remote to turn off the TV. “My bed’s lower, and I have my sliding board to help me transfer.”
We took the elevator upstairs and went into my bedroom. Natalie closed the door quietly behind us, then walked past me to the bed. “This is one of those adjustable beds, isn’t it?” she said as she perched on the edge, bouncing a little.
I nodded. “It’s a TempurPedic. It can go up and down… get firmer and softer… whatever you want.”
“Nice. I like things good and firm,” she said, flashing me another flirtatious grin.
“Me too,” I muttered, my heart fluttering in my throat. The first signs of performance anxiety were setting in. What if I couldn’t satisfy her? Worse yet, what if I repulsed her? As my mind raced, another worry came to the forefront. Clearing my throat, I said, “Can you excuse me for a few minutes? I just need to take care of something before… before we go any further. Will you wait here for me?”
Natalie nodded. “Of course. Take your time… but not too much time.” She winked as I turned my chair and wheeled into the bathroom.
Way to kill the mood, Kev, I thought as I closed the door and began the process of emptying my bladder as quickly as I could. It was far from romantic, but I wasn’t willing to risk wetting my bed with a beautiful woman in it.
When I finished, I washed my hands and hurriedly brushed my teeth at the sink. Holding my electric toothbrush with both hands, I moved it around the inside of my mouth and let the rotating bristles work their magic, removing any leftover bits of corn stuck between my teeth. I wanted to have fresh breath before I kissed her again.
As I brushed, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Remembering what Natalie had said earlier in my music room, I realized she was right: the face I saw was the same as the one on my album covers, only a little older. There were lines around my green eyes and a few flecks of gray in my goatee that hadn’t been there before, but otherwise, I still looked like the guy who used to have girls from all around the world chasing after him and screaming his name. If only I could somehow forget how different I was from the neck down now and embody the man I had once been.
C’mon, Kev… you can do it, I tried telling my reflection. Just go back out there and be confident. She wouldn’t be here right now if she didn’t wanna be with you.
I spat into the sink, rinsed off my toothbrush, and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. I took a deep breath before opening the door.
To my relief, Natalie was right where I’d left her, sitting on the side of my bed with her legs crossed. She looked up, smiling, when I came back out of the bathroom. “C’mere, you,” she said, raising her index finger to beckon me toward her.
When I rolled over to the bed, she spread her legs apart and put her feet on the armrests of my chair, pulling me closer. Leaning forward, she took my face between her hands and kissed me, first on the forehead, followed by both cheeks, before her lips finally landed on mine. I let out a low moan of pleasure as I pressed my mouth to hers, my skin tingling with warmth where she had touched me. I wrapped my arms around her, running my hands up and down her back as her hands moved up into my hair, raking through it with her fingernails. Goosebumps rose on the back of my neck as chills raced down my spine. “God, that feels so good,” I groaned.
She giggled. “I swear, you’re just like my cat. He can’t get enough of me scratching his head.”
“Yup… me and Colby Jack have that in common,” I replied, grinning at her. “You could keep doing that all night, and I’d be happy.”
“I’d like to do a little more than that tonight,” she said with a suggestive raise of her brows.
I nodded, trying to hide how nervous I was. “Me too.”
“Not that I don’t enjoy running my fingers through your hair,” she added, tugging gently on a hank of it. “How’d you get it to be so thick and shiny?”
“I dunno… good genes, I guess.” I shrugged. “You have nice hair, too.” I reached up to touch her ponytail, wishing I could take a lock of it between my fingertips. I wondered if it felt as soft and silky as it looked.
“Thanks.” With a smile, she raised one hand to her head and loosened the elastic band that had been holding her hair back, letting it fall to her shoulders as she shook it free from its ponytail. Catching a whiff of her sweet-smelling shampoo, I leaned closer to her and inhaled.
As I shifted my weight, her hands drifted down my back. “Can I take your shirt off?” she asked. I nodded, letting her lift my t-shirt up and over my head. She tossed it aside, then peeled off her own tank top, revealing a bright pink bra underneath. Smiling, she twirled her top around her finger by one strap before flinging it across the room.
The sight of her seemed to flip a switch inside my head, turning on a sense of desire I hadn’t felt in a long time. I wanted to touch her, to hold her, to be with her. But I wasn’t sure the rest of my body would react to the signals my brain was desperately trying to send down.
“I’m ready to transfer to the bed now,” I said, wanting to get that part over with before we went any further. “Can you grab my sliding board? It’s on the bottom shelf of my nightstand.”
Natalie stood up and bent down in front of the bedside table to fetch it as I prepared for the transfer, positioning my chair next to the bed, pulling off the armrest and side guard, and unfastening the buckles and straps that held the paralyzed parts of my body in place. With her help, I wedged one end of the wooden board under my legs and laid the other end on the mattress.
“If you could just kinda hold my hips and help me scoot across, I can do this mostly by myself,” I told her, turning my shoulders outward as I placed my hands on either side of me so I could use my biceps instead of my triceps. “Just keep your body in front of mine so I don’t flop too far forward and end up on the floor.”
She nodded. “I’m not gonna let you fall this time,” she said determinedly.
“I trust you.” Taking a deep breath, I locked my elbows and pushed off of my chair, rocking my upper body back and forth to give me enough momentum to make the transfer. As Natalie helped guide my hips, I shifted out of my chair, onto the board, and finally over to the bed. “See?” I said breathlessly, bracing myself with both hands so I wouldn’t fall over. “Nothing to it.”
“Well, we’re already off to a better start than last time,” Natalie replied, looking relieved. “Now for the fun part.” She wiggled her eyebrows.
“Careful. Don’t let me kick you in the face,” I warned as, one by one, she lifted my spasming legs onto the bed.
She laughed. “Oh, that’s all we need! First I let you fall off the bed and crack the back of your head open. Then you kick me in the face and break my nose or give me a black eye. We couldn’t go back to the same emergency room, or they’d think we were in some kind of abusive relationship.”
I chuckled along with her as we waited for my legs to calm down. “At least I wouldn’t be lying when I said I wasn’t in control of myself.”
“Meanwhile, I would sound like some poor battered woman trying to defend you.” She put on a high-pitched voice. “‘I swear, he didn’t mean to hurt me! I just put my face too close to his foot. It was all my fault!’”
I shook my head, letting myself flop back onto my pillows. “Please, just keep your pretty face far away from my feet so this doesn’t become a reality.” Reaching for the remote on my nightstand, I pressed a button to raise the head of my bed a little so I could still see what she was doing.
She smiled and patted my right leg, which had finally relaxed. “Let’s take these off you, shall we?” she said, untying my shoelaces.
“Sorry if my feet smell,” I said, making a face as she removed my shoes and socks. “I don’t get to air ‘em out too often during the day.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Well, I wouldn’t go around advertising that if I were you… but don’t worry – I don’t smell anything. I guess it helps that your feet don’t sweat.” She shrugged. “They’re actually really soft, for a guy’s feet.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t walk around barefoot anymore either, so they aren’t as rough as they used to be,” I replied, watching as she ran her finger along the sole of my right foot. I felt the urge to twist it out of her reach, remembering how ticklish the bottoms of my feet used to be, too. But, of course, I couldn’t actually feel the sensation anymore, let alone move my foot away from it.
The nerves in my foot must have noticed, though, because it suddenly twitched, the toes curling. Natalie gasped, pulling her hand back as if she’d been burned. “Did you make it do that?” she asked, staring at me with wide eyes.
I laughed at the look of amazement on her face. “No. Just another spasm – or a reflex or something, I dunno. Totally involuntary.”
“Oh.” She sounded disappointed.
I cleared my throat. “The good news is, I can still get an erection that way… sometimes. That’s a reflex, too.”
“Really?” She raised her eyebrows. “You ready to try it?”
I nodded. “If you are.” My face felt fiery hot, and I could hear my own heartbeat faintly behind my eardrums as the blood rushed to my head, but we’d already come too far for me to let my anxiety get in the way.
I watched as she unfastened the button on the front of her shorts and shimmied out of them. Her panties were the same color as her bra. She had a perfect hourglass figure, with curves in all the right places. How could a guy like me have gotten lucky enough to land a girl like her? I wondered, gazing at her body in disbelief.
Natalie climbed onto the bed and crawled on top of me, straddling my hips. I felt the warm weight of her hands on my bare chest before they moved lower, past the point where I could no longer feel anything. “Your heart’s pounding,” she murmured, looking up at me as her palm lingered beneath my left nipple.
I nodded. “I know.”
“I’m a little nervous, too,” she admitted, a faint blush appearing in her cheeks. “I’ve never been with anybody like you before.”
“What, a famous person?” I winked at her, knowing exactly what she meant. She had never done it with a disabled man before and didn’t know what to expect. “Don’t be. I still have all the same parts; they just don’t always work the same way as other people’s. But it’s not like you’re gonna hurt me. You have nothing to worry about.”
“Well, neither do you,” Natalie said, smiling back at me. “We’ll figure it out.” Her fingers traveled down my torso, briefly caressing my stomach before they slid beneath the stretchy waistband of my shorts. Inch by inch, she hitched the shorts down over my hips, taking my underwear with them, lifting and tugging until she managed to work them down to my thighs. Then she sat back on her haunches, breathing hard, her breasts heaving beneath her bra.
“You all right?” I asked with an uncertain smile, wondering whether she was aroused or exhausted.
She nodded. “Just trying to figure out the best way to take these off you.”
“Just tear ‘em off with your teeth,” I joked.
She giggled. “I think I’m gonna have to get off you first.”
“Don’t you mean get me off?” I grinned.
“Patience,” she said, patting my knee. “One thing at a time.” Carefully, she climbed down and finished taking off my clothes from the side of the bed. Once she finally freed my feet, she pushed my wadded up shorts and underwear off the foot of the bed and turned to face me. As she walked toward me, she reached behind her back and unhooked her bra, letting the straps slide down her shoulders as the band came loose. She shook her arms free, allowing the bra to fall to the floor, then slowly lowered her panties. She stepped out of them and stood in front of me, fully nude, naturally beautiful.
Lying naked on the bed next to her, I felt hopelessly inadequate. How was I going to fulfill her needs?
Natalie climbed back on top, straddling my legs. She wrapped her hand around me and began rubbing and squeezing, slow at first, then faster and faster.
I felt nothing.
I thought watching might help turn me on, but all I experienced was a strange sense of detachment. It was weird seeing her play with a part of my body I could no longer feel. Far from arousing me, it only made me feel worse by reminding me of how much I was missing out on.
I tried to distract myself by focusing on her body instead. I brought my balled hands up to her chest, brushing my knuckles across her nipples until they stood erect, kneading her firm breasts with the heels of my hands. “Let me know if I’m hurting you,” I said. “I can’t always tell how much pressure I’m applying.”
“You’re fine,” she replied with a smile. “It feels good.”
I wasn’t sure if she was telling the truth or trying to make me feel better about my ham-fisted attempt at foreplay. It was frustrating, being able to touch but not feel.
After a few minutes, I heard her say, “Houston, we have liftoff.”
Laughing, I looked down to see that, indeed, the rocket between my legs had been launched. “Roger that,” I replied with relief, reaching for my bedside table drawer, where I kept an unopened box of condoms, just in case. But before she could finish putting one on me, I went limp again.
Natalie pressed her lips into a thin line as she held up the half-unrolled rubber. “Houston, we have a problem.”
That was pretty much how the rest of the night went. “I’m sorry,” I said later as Natalie gathered her clothes.
If she was as disappointed as I was, she hid it well. “Don’t apologize,” she said, pulling her tank top over her head without putting her bra back on. “It’s not your fault. You can’t control it.”
I appreciated how understanding she was being, but I still felt frustrated. “No, but I probably could have been more prepared. I’ll ask my doctor if there’s anything I can do to make it last longer next time,” I promised, making a mental note to bring it up at my next appointment. Maybe he could prescribe me something to help.
“It’s okay. Neither of us really knew what to expect. At least now we can say we’ve tried,” she said with a shrug. “Next time will be easier.”
“I hope so.” In spite of my humiliation, I was happy to hear her say the words “next time,” implying that she was willing to try it with me again. But not that night. “Goodnight, Natalie,” I said when she finished dressing. “Sleep well. If you need anything during the night, Dawn’s room is right down the hall – just knock on her door. Otherwise, make yourself at home.”
Natalie nodded, bending down to kiss me before she left my room. “Goodnight, Kevin.” As much as I hated to see her go back to the guest bedroom instead of sleeping with me, I knew it was for the best. I wasn’t ready to share every part of my night routine with her just yet.
“So, how did it go?” Dawn asked when she came in to hook up my catheter bag and help me stretch.
I sighed. “Well, it wasn’t a total disaster this time, but I can’t say it was a complete success either.”
“Couldn’t get it up, huh?” She gave me a wry grin.
I shook my head. “Couldn’t keep it up.”
“Ah. Well, did you at least have fun trying?”
“Yes… and no.” I shrugged. “I dunno… It’s just so different from how it used to be. Not to brag, but Kristin and I had a healthy sex life. When we did the deed, I was in the driver’s seat. But now, with Natalie, I’m stuck in the back. I felt like I just lay there and let her do most of the work – and she didn’t even get paid for her efforts, if you know what I mean.”
Dawn’s smile turned sympathetic. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. This was your first time trying since you got hurt, right?”
I nodded.
“Well, I don’t know what you were expecting, but most people aren’t exactly proficient the first time they try something,” she went on matter-of-factly. “Face it, Kevin – in some ways, you’re like a virgin again… touched for the very first time.” She grinned as I snorted back laughter, feeling my face heat up. “In all seriousness, it’s bound to take time and practice to find new ways of doing it and figure out what works best for both of you.”
“I know,” I said, nodding again. “It’s just frustrating to fail at something I used to be good at.”
“Of course, it is. But that’s nothing new for you. Think of all the other things you’ve had to relearn how to do in different ways,” Dawn said encouragingly. “If you can get behind the wheel of a car and figure out how to drive it with hand controls, you can get back in the driver’s seat when it comes to sex, too.”
“I dunno how.” I heaved a sigh of defeat. “My dick doesn’t work, my fingers don’t work, and I can’t move the bottom half of my body. How the hell am I ever going to give her what she wants?”
“If all else fails, go down on her,” Dawn said with a shrug. “Your mouth still works fine. Use your tongue!”
Blushing furiously, I wondered, Why didn’t I think of that? “Thanks for the advice,” I said, offering her a sheepish grin. “I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”
“Happy to help,” Dawn replied, returning my smile as she pulled back the covers to begin my stretching regimen.
As awkward as it was having these kinds of conversations, I appreciated that I could have them with her. After three years of knowing her and entrusting her to take care of my most personal needs, no topic was off-limits between us. Considering she saw me naked nearly every day, I felt as comfortable talking about my body with her as I did my own doctors. In fact, I preferred her blunt, casual way of speaking to the more formal, professional bedside manner most physicians had. Dawn had a way of putting me at ease rather than making me feel even more embarrassed.
But even after I finished stretching and settled into bed for the night, I had a hard time relaxing long enough to fall asleep. Though my body lay still, my mind raced, reliving every moment between Natalie and me and fantasizing about how differently things would have gone if I wasn’t paralyzed. I wondered if she was lying awake down the hall, doing the same thing. I hoped she wasn’t too disappointed.
I finally drifted off to sleep, dreaming of what I wished I could do with her. But when I woke up in the morning, I was still stuck inside the same old broken body.
***