“Without your lips on mine, no, the sun doesn’t shine, and… damn!” Brian swore softly, shaking his head as he stepped back from the microphone. “Sorry, y’all. Give me a second.”
I saw Nick and Howie exchange glances as Brian took a swig of water, swishing it around in his mouth before he swallowed. I knew what they were thinking, but I prayed they had enough sense not to say it out loud.
“Okay.” Setting his water bottle down, Brian walked back up to the mic. He adjusted his headphones and cleared his throat. “Let’s try that again.” As the music played in his ears, music only he could hear, he sucked in a deep breath and sang, “Without your lips on mine…”
Beside me, I heard AJ let out a low sigh. Even I couldn’t help but cringe as Brian’s voice cracked and wavered, though I tried my best to hide it, freezing my face into what I hoped was a neutral expression. I felt terrible for my cousin, but at the same time, I could tell we were all getting frustrated.
Our last week in London had gotten off to a rocky start. The temperature outside had risen into the mid-eighties, and since the studio had no air conditioning, it was sweltering inside. We couldn’t even open the windows for fresh air because we didn’t want the fans outside to hear the new music until it was ready. The result was that we were all hot, sweaty, and irritable.
Nick had been especially moody since Monday, though he wouldn’t tell anyone why. “He’s probably on his man-period,” Brian had muttered the previous day during one of our breaks, rolling his eyes as Nick went out onto the balcony to pout. “You know Nick. He gets this way once a month or so.”
“Once a month?” Howie raised his eyebrows. “That’s an understatement.”
Through the glass door, I watched Nick slump down onto one of the wooden folding chairs and bury his face in his phone. “I wonder if he had a fight with Lauren,” I said. “Or maybe he’s just missing her.”
I could certainly relate to that. It had been hard for me to say goodbye to Natalie, and ever since she’d left, I had felt even more homesick. I missed Mason so much, it hurt. I’d had a great time in London, but I couldn’t wait to get home to him. I was already counting down the days until Saturday, when we would finally fly back to the States.
“We all miss our families,” Brian said shortly. “That doesn’t give him the right to take it out on the rest of us.”
“No, you’re right,” I agreed. “But Nick’s never been great at handling negative emotions. It doesn’t help that we’re all tired and hot here. Tempers are running high, just like the temperature. So cut him some slack.”
I prayed Nick would follow the same advice as we watched Brian struggle through his solo for “Breathe,” one of the new songs we’d been working on that week. It had to be frustrating for him, especially considering he had helped write the lyrics.
“Maybe we should have you sing this part, Howie,” I heard Nick whisper.
“Shut up, Nick,” I muttered under my breath, hoping Brian wouldn’t hear with his headphones on. “We were all patient when it took you thirty-two tries to sing your part in ‘Madeleine.’ Let’s be a little more supportive here, huh?”
Nick scowled at me but said nothing more.
“C’mon, Rok, you got this!” AJ called encouragingly as Brian got ready to record another take.
A brief smile flickered across Brian’s face before he closed his eyes in concentration. “Without your lips on mine, no, the sun doesn’t shine, and, no, I can’t…” The first line was still a little shaky, but as he kept going, his voice seemed to strengthen. “You know I can’t breeeeathe, yeah!” he sang, sounding like his old self when he hit the high notes. “You know I can’t breathe… I can’t breathe…”
I felt a chill run down my spine as I listened to him adlib. “We’re not… we’re not… oooover…” His voice rang out to the rafters, raising goosebumps on the back of my neck. “Oh, you are… you are my loooover…” Throughout the recording process, Brian’s voice had seemed to come and go, but here it was in all its glory – gorgeous, powerful, and clear as a bell. He could tell, too; I saw the relief written all over his face as he waved his index finger in the air, his eyes still firmly shut. “Don’t say it’s over… Don’t say it’s over…”
When he finally trailed off, the room erupted in applause. “There it is! That’s the one,” I said, nodding in approval. “You actually gave me goosebumps that time.”
Brian raised his eyebrows. “Really?”
“Uh-huh.” I held out both arms to show him how my hair was standing on end.
“You sounded great, Rok,” AJ agreed, giving him a thumbs up.
“Way to hit those high notes,” Howie added with a smile.
Even Nick nodded. “Nailed it, bro.”
Brian grinned, looking pleased with himself. “Thanks, y’all.”
Our producer, Martin, played the track back for us so we could all hear how Brian’s vocals sounded overlaid with the chorus we had already recorded. “That’s it. I think we’ve got it, Brian,” he said, clapping his hands together. “We’ll do a bit more editing to clean it up, of course, but I doubt we’ll need another take. In the meantime, are you ready to record your verse, Kevin?”
As he turned to me, I felt my throat tighten. The other guys had agreed that I should sing the first verse of the song, but every time I even looked at the lyrics, my eyes filled with tears. I didn’t know if I could do it. But we were running out of days to record, and if I didn’t at least try, I was going to lose my solo. “Sure,” I agreed, swallowing hard. “I’ll give it a shot.”
Martin’s team helped me get set up, lowering the microphone and music stand to my level and placing a pair of headphones over my ears. As they readied the soundboard, I read over the printed page of lyrics they had put on the music stand, trying to prepare myself both mentally and emotionally.
The song was clearly about the loss of a relationship. Most people would consider it a breakup song, but as a widower, I connected to it on a different level. Of course, it reminded me of Kristin.
“Okay, Kevin, we’re ready when you are,” Martin said as he stood behind the soundboard. The rest of the group sat on the couches on the other side of it, where they had a front row seat to watch me record.
I nodded and adjusted my posture, pressing my shoulder blades against the back of my chair and hooking my arms behind my arm rests to help me sit up straight and tall. As the piano intro played in my ears, I sucked in a deep breath and prepared to sing the words on the page in front of me.
“Roses you left me, slowly fading to gray,
Your coat on the chair and the scent of your hair, I miss…”
A lump rose in my throat as I remembered coming home from the rehab hospital to the house in L.A. where I’d lived with Kristin and finding her clothes still hanging in our bedroom closet. I had pressed my face to her favorite pair of jeans and sniffed, hoping to catch a whiff of her familiar scent clinging to the denim fabric. I wasn’t disappointed; the pants had smelled faintly like her, filling me with fresh grief and an overwhelming sense of longing.
“The clock on the wall…” My throat began to close on the next line, making my voice thick with emotion. “It reminds me of all the better times…” I trailed off as tears sprang to my eyes. “Sorry, y’all,” I managed to choke out.
The background music came to an abrupt stop. “It’s okay, Kev,” AJ said, giving me a sympathetic smile. “Take your time.”
“I knew this was gonna happen,” I admitted as I wiped my eyes. “I can’t even read these words without thinking of Kristin, let alone sing them.”
“If it’s too hard, you don’t have to do it,” Howie said. “Nicky or I could-”
“No.” I shook my head, adamant. Well-meaning as his offer may have been, I was not going to let anybody poach one of my precious few solo parts. “There are a lot of things that are too hard for me, but this… this I can do. And I will. Just gimme a minute.”
“No problem. Like AJ said, take all the time you need. Lord knows y’all were plenty patient with me.” Brian flashed an embarrassed grin. “We can be patient with you, too.”
I nodded, appreciating their support. I took a sip of water and tried to collect myself. “All right,” I told Martin once I’d regained my composure. “I think I’m ready now. Let’s try this again.”
I took another deep breath as the music began to play in my ears once more.
“Roses you left me, slowly fading to gray,
Your coat on the chair and the scent of your hair, I miss…”
This time, I tried to keep my mind blank, focusing solely on singing the words with emotion without feeling it.
“The clock on the wall, it reminds me of all the better times.
When we walked in the park, and we whispered in the dark,
And we laughed and cried…”
Tears threatened as the thoughts of Kristin crept back into my brain, but I closed my eyes and kept going, trying to get through my last two lines before I lost my composure again.
“And I never knew alone.
Wherever you are is home.”
When I finished and opened my eyes, I found a room full of smiling faces watching me. “That was great, Kevin,” Nick said as everyone else nodded in agreement. “You sounded awesome.”
“Thanks,” I replied, smiling back in relief.
By the end of the day, we had finished recording the full song and left the studio feeling accomplished. “Three more days, fellas,” I said as we rode back to the house. “Then we can all go home and see our families.”
“Thank the Lord!” Brian leaned his head against the van window, looking exhausted. I knew how hard it was for him to be away from Leighanne and Baylee for weeks at a time.
“Amen, brother,” added AJ. “I love y’all, but it’s been a long three weeks. I can’t wait to get back to my Monkee.”
By the way Howie nodded, I could tell he was just as eager to get home to his pregnant wife. Even Nick had a woman waiting for him back in L.A.
As much as I looked forward to seeing my son, I wished I still had a wife to welcome me home. Or even a girlfriend. I knew I wouldn’t see Natalie that weekend; she was working a flight to Paris. Our planes will probably pass each other in midair, I thought, staring wistfully out my window.
That was the problem with both of us having careers that required frequent travel and unconventional schedules. When we were off at the same time, it was great, but when we both worked, we barely saw each other. That made our long-distance relationship that much more difficult to maintain.
It would be easier if we moved in together, I thought as I watched the quaint brick houses pass by. I imagined Natalie and me picking out a little place in L.A. where we could live while I was working.
Turning back toward the others, I cleared my throat. “So, I’ve been thinking about looking for another house in L.A. so I have somewhere to stay while we finish this album. That way, I won’t have to worry about finding accessible accommodations every time I fly out there. Y’all know what a pain in the ass that can be.”
Nick nodded. “That sounds like a good plan. Lemme know if you need help or a place to stay while you’re looking.”
“Hey, I’ll hook you up with my realtor, bro,” AJ offered.
“Thanks, fellas,” I replied with a smile. “I’m hoping Natalie will be able to go house-hunting with me sometime soon.”
Brian raised his eyebrows. “You gonna ask her to move in with you?”
I shrugged. “I wouldn’t officially ask her without Mason’s blessing, but we talked about it when she was here. She made it pretty clear that she didn’t wanna live in Lexington, but when I mentioned L.A., she seemed more receptive.”
Brian’s expression changed, his brow furrowing as he frowned. “What’s she got against Kentucky? She’s a Southern gal!”
“I know, but she needs to be based near a bigger airport so she can keep working international flights without having to commute,” I explained. “It’s a convenience thing.”
“Either way, moving in together is a pretty big step,” Howie said.
I nodded. “I know it probably seems fast – I mean, we’ve only been together for a few months – but life is short, you know? I don’t wanna waste any time. I love her.”
“First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes Kevin with a baby carriage!” Nick sang in an obnoxious falsetto, grinning at me.
I forced a laugh, feeling awkward. Moving in together was one thing. Getting married again was quite another. And as much as I wanted to grow my family and give Mason a little brother or sister, I wasn’t sure if I was physically capable of getting Natalie pregnant. My future with her looked promising, but even if our relationship progressed to that point, I knew we would still face a great deal of uncertainty down the road.
“Dude, you and Lauren have been together how long?” AJ asked Nick, saving me from having to respond. “I don’t see no baby carriage – or a ring, for that matter.”
“Hey, not everyone moves as fast as you and Rochelle,” Nick retorted.
I chuckled and looked out the window again, listening to the two of them go back and forth all the way back to the house.
***
Our last three days in London flew by, and before I knew it, I was on a plane, flying back across the pond. As I looked out the window, watching the water through the scattered clouds and listening to music through my headphones, I let my mind wander, reflecting on what a whirlwind the past few days had been.
We had spent Wednesday and Thursday recording rough cuts of some of the songs we had written, including the reggae-influenced “Hot, Hot, Hot” and Brian and Howie’s song “Take Care.” By Friday, we had finished fifteen tracks – enough for a full album, although we planned to continue writing and recording back in the States.
To celebrate, we invited ten lucky fans into the studio for a listening party on our last day. The lottery had been Brian’s idea, a way to thank the dedicated fans who had waited outside the studio for us day after day, as well as the loyal fans who followed us online. I had been nervous to meet with the fans, but none of them treated me any differently than they would have before my injury. They were more interested in the new music than the wheelchair.
When the ocean disappeared beneath a thick patch of clouds, I picked up my phone and opened my photo gallery to swipe through the pictures I had snapped at the studio. I smiled at one of Nick surrounded by fans, the women reaching out to hug him. Some things never changed.
The next photo was of the five of us in matching pajama bottoms. It had been Nick’s idea to have a “Pajama Day” on our last day of work. “Remember when you got to wear your PJs to school as a kid?” he’d said. “Wasn’t that the best?” We had agreed, knowing the fans would get a kick out of us wearing matching jammies to the studio, and sent Dawn and Keith to pick out some for us. The picture Q had taken of us posing in the pajamas, our arms around each other, made me smile. Part of the reason we had spent three weeks living together in London was to strengthen our bond as a group, and we had certainly succeeded. The photo captured that perfectly.
We had capped off our last full day in London with dinner together before we went back to the house to finish packing, knowing we would go our separate ways the next morning. Nick and AJ had a long flight back to L.A., while Howie and Q were heading to Orlando. Brian sat in front of me on the flight to Atlanta, the first leg of my journey home. When we landed, Leighanne and Baylee would be waiting to pick him up at the airport, but Keith, Dawn, and I would have to hurry to catch our connecting flight to Lexington. I couldn’t wait to get home.
Once I finished going through the photos, I put my phone away and fiddled with the in-flight entertainment options on the screen in front of me until I found a movie to watch. I must have fallen asleep at some point in the middle because I woke up to find the end credits already rolling. Looking out the window, I was relieved to see that we were flying over land instead of water. Back in U.S. airspace, I thought happily before the rumble of the plane’s engines lulled me back to sleep.
I dozed until we began our descent into Atlanta. When we finally landed, I leaned toward Brian, talking to him between the two seats. “Hey, cuz, you don’t have to wait on the plane with me until everybody else gets off. There are plenty of people here to help, so if you wanna get off first, go for it.”
“What’s the point?” he replied. “I’ll just be waiting at baggage claim instead, and you know how long that can take. Might as well hang out here instead. No one’s gonna ask if they can take a picture with me on the plane.”
I couldn’t argue with that logic.
As usual, we were the last ones to leave the plane. Once I was back in my wheelchair, Brian followed me up the jet bridge and into the terminal. Then he turned and said, “Well, I’d better go get my luggage. Leighanne will wonder what’s taking me so long.”
I nodded. “Okay, cuz. Gimme a hug before you go.”
Brian smiled and bent down to hug me. “It’s been good having you back in the group,” he said as put his arms around me. “I’m glad we’re doing this thing together again.”
“Me too.” I patted his back. “Thanks for talking me into it.”
Releasing me, he straightened up. “Y’all have a safe flight home,” he said, looking at Keith and Dawn. “I’ll see ya in a few weeks.” To me, he added, “Give my love to the family back home.”
“I will. Say hi to Leighanne and Baylee for me,” I replied. He promised he would, then walked away.
After a short layover in Atlanta, we boarded our last flight, which lasted less than an hour. Still, I wanted to run screaming from the plane the second we pulled up to the gate in Lexington. But, of course, I wasn’t running anywhere. Like always, I was the last one off the plane and the last one to make it to baggage claim, where my mom was waiting with Mason.
When Mason spotted me wheeling toward them, he broke into a run, practically flinging himself into my lap. Tears flooded my eyes as I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him to my chest. He felt bigger than I remembered, as if he had grown several inches since I’d last seen him. I had been away less than a month, but in that moment, it felt like an eternity. “I missed you so much, buddy,” I murmured as I buried my face in his blond hair, breathing in his familiar scent.
My heart swelled into my throat when I heard his sweet little voice reply, “I missed you, too, Daddy.” Then he climbed down and ran to Dawn, practically knocking her off her feet as he hugged her with just as much enthusiasm.
Watching the two of them, I smiled and swallowed the lump in my throat.
“It’s so good to see you, honey,” my mom said as she hurried over to hug me. “How was your trip?”
“It was wonderful,” I said. “Feels good to finally be back in the saddle, making music with the guys again.” As Dawn waited with Mason for our luggage to come around the baggage carousel, I told my mom about the work we’d done and the two upcoming appearances we had in New York. “I’m gonna need you to stay with Mason again, if you don’t mind.”
“Of course! You know I never mind spending time with my grandson,” she replied, smiling. “We had a wonderful time together, too.”
“Thanks, Ma.” I watched Mason “help” Dawn load our bags onto a luggage rack – most of them were too big and heavy for him to manage on his own, but she let him roll the case that contained my shower chair as we made our way toward the exit.
Half an hour later, we were turning onto the road that would take us out of town to my farmhouse. “Country roads… take me home,” I sang softly as neighborhoods and shopping centers turned to trees and fields.
“To the place… I belong…” Drifting back from the driver’s seat, my mom’s voice joined mine in harmony.
I smiled, remembering the days when my dad would drive us around with my mom in the passenger seat, my brothers and me squeezed into the back, and John Denver playing on the radio. “West Virginia… mountain mama… take me home… country roads…”
When we finally pulled up in front of the picturesque brick colonial I called home, I let out my breath in a sigh of contentment. “Home sweet home,” I said as my mom parked the van. While Dawn went around back to start unloading our luggage, my mom lowered the ramp and climbed in to unbuckle my chair.
As I rolled down the ramp, I felt sluggish and stiff, fatigued from a full day of traveling. But it didn’t matter. I knew I would sleep well in my own bed that night.
***