Chapter 43

The following week flew by in a flurry of fall activities – a visit to the pumpkin patch, a trip to the Halloween store, and plenty of time spent playing outside with Mason – and before I knew it, I was on a plane to Florida to begin the Backstreet Boys’ hometown road trip, which would be filmed for our documentary.

It was my first time flying alone since my injury, but, so far, everything had gone well. Dawn had driven me to the airport and accompanied me to the check-in counter, making sure the airport was able to provide the attendant I’d requested to escort me to my gate before she left me at the security line. The attendant had helped with the boarding process, taking apart my wheelchair according to my directions to reduce the risk of damage in the cargo hold. When the plane landed in Orlando, two more attendants were waiting to put it back together for me.

“Everything look okay, sir?” one of them asked as I inspected my chair from all angles.

I nodded, relieved to find it intact. “I think so. Thanks.” They helped me transfer from the tiny aisle chair and took me to baggage claim, where I finally saw a familiar face. “Howie D! Wassup, brother?” I asked as I wheeled myself over to him.

“Not much, man.” Howie bent down to give me a hug. “How was your flight?”

“Not bad for my first solo trip as a quad. Thanks for picking me up from the airport.”

“No problem! It’s the least I could do since, you know, I live here,” he replied with a grin as he released me.

“How was your class reunion?” I asked him.

“Amazing! It was fun taking a trip down memory lane and catching up with people I haven’t seen in years. Makes me so thankful I made something of my life.”

“I know what you mean,” I said, nodding. “There’ll be a lot more of that this week.”

“I can’t wait.” Howie wandered back to his empty seat while we waited for the baggage carousel to come in. “All five of us back in Orlando… just like the good old days.”

“Almost,” I replied wistfully as I wheeled after him, parking my chair next to his. As much as I was looking forward to spending a week with my Backstreet brothers, seeing where each of us had come from, I was a little worried about how it would make me feel to go back to places I hadn’t been since I was young and able-bodied.

“It’s too bad none of us were able to make it out to L.A. for AJ and Rochelle’s baby shower yesterday,” Howie said.

“I know. I wish I could have gone, but I was just out there last weekend and wanted to spend some quality time with Mason before I left on another work trip,” I explained.

Howie nodded. “Believe me; I get it. It’s hard to leave our kids behind, isn’t it? AJ will understand once Ava’s born.”

“Speaking of babies, how are Leigh and the little one doing?”

“They’re both great!” said Howie, his face splitting into a wide grin. “Leigh’s glowing, and Baby D is growing. He’s about the size of a banana, according to the ultrasound tech at Leigh’s last appointment.”

I laughed. “Cute. I’m sure y’all can’t wait to meet him.”

“Yes, but we’re hoping he stays put until February and doesn’t decide to arrive early like his big brother did. He’s worth the wait.”

“Of course.” I flashed Howie a smile, hoping it would hide the envy I secretly felt whenever he talked about having a second child. I supposed it was my fault for asking. I was happy for him, but turning forty-one had reminded me that I wasn’t getting any younger. My time to have more children of my own might be running out, especially considering I might need medical intervention to do it, which could make the process take even longer. I was firmly middle-aged now, more than halfway through the average lifespan of a healthy, able-bodied American man. The complications I could face as an aging quadriplegic, coupled with the fact that my father had died of cancer at forty-nine, meant that I would be lucky to live into my late seventies. Was it even fair for me to consider bringing another child into the world?

“So, how’s Mason?” Howie’s question broke through my depressing chain of thoughts, snapping me back to the present.

“Mason’s good. He’s growing up so fast. Look what he learned how to do the other day.” I fished my phone out of its pouch and flipped through my most recent photos to find the one I’d taken of him Friday after school. A lump rose in my throat as I looked at the picture of Mason riding his bike for the first time without training wheels. Dawn was running next to him, her hand hovering near the seat without actually touching it. She had helped him get started, but once she let go, he had taken off riding by himself and never looked back.

“Oh my gosh!” Grabbing the phone from my hand, Howie grinned as he studied the photo. “Look at him go!”

“Yeah… he’s a natural.” I swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the bitter taste that lingered in the back of my throat. I hated that the pride I felt over Mason’s accomplishment was tainted with resentment. I certainly didn’t begrudge my five-year-old for learning a skill I would never be able to do the same way again, but I was secretly jealous of Dawn for being the one to teach him how to do it. I still remembered learning how to ride a bike with my dad running alongside me, ready to reach out and catch me if I tipped sideways. When I’d found out Kristin was pregnant, I had looked forward to doing the same with my own son or daughter someday, never once imagining I might not be physically capable of doing so.

But, for Dawn, it had been the exact opposite. “That was amazing,” she’d said afterwards, wiping a stray tear from her eye as she joined me on the porch to watch Mason ride around in the driveway. “I never thought I’d get to experience that milestone of teaching a kid to ride a bike. Michael never made it past training wheels. By the time he was Mason’s age, he had already been diagnosed with DMD and didn’t have the balance or coordination to do it.”

“Well, I’m glad you got to,” I’d told her, blinking back tears of my own. “Thanks for being here to help Mason.”

“Anytime.” She had offered me a sympathetic smile, seeming to understand how I may have felt about her filling in for me by stepping into a role that was traditionally reserved for fathers. “Thanks for letting me have that moment.” My loss had been her gain.

“I think we’re gonna get James a bike for Christmas,” Howie said. “He’s getting pretty big for his tricycle. We can pass that down to Baby D.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I replied, forcing another smile.

Thankfully, the baggage carousel sprang to life with a loud buzz, bringing the conversation to an end. Howie lifted my bags and the case containing my travel shower chair off the conveyor belt and loaded everything onto a luggage rack to roll out to his car. He put it all in the trunk, then helped me transfer from my chair to the passenger seat. Following my instructions, he took off the wheels of my chair so it would fit in the back seat. Finally, we were ready for the ride over to Cape Canaveral, where Howie lived. One of his real estate development projects there was a hotel that was right by the beach, and he’d booked a block of rooms for the rest of us to stay in while we were in Florida.

When we arrived at the hotel, Howie escorted me inside. I was the first one of the guys to get there. I knew Nick was planning to take a later flight from Dallas, where he’d spent the weekend watching Lauren compete in her fitness competition, so he could watch the Bucs game with her before they went their separate ways. Brian also liked to leave home as late as possible, and AJ was probably still recovering from the baby shower. Their flights wouldn’t land for a few more hours.

“This is real nice,” I told Howie, looking around as I rolled through the hotel lobby, which was decorated in warm shades of taupe with wood trim. “You did good, D.”

“Thanks!” he replied as we rounded the corner, passing a lifesize statue of an astronaut in a spacesuit – a fitting conversation piece for a hotel on the Space Coast. “I hope your room’s all right. It should be fully accessible, but if it’s not, let me know what you need, and we’ll figure it out.”

Our rooms were on the first floor, which made me feel safer, knowing that no one would need to carry me down several flights of stairs in the event of a fire or other emergency. When we found mine, Howie flashed the key card in front of the reader and held the door open for me to enter.

“This should be fine,” I said as I looked around the room, relieved to find a large, roll-in shower and two queen beds that were low enough for a level transfer to and from my chair. I had Howie leave my luggage by the bed nearest the bathroom, letting Nick have the one next to the window. It was the least I could do, considering he had offered to room with me and help with my daily routines so that Dawn didn’t have to come along to take care of me.

We had all agreed that this trip should just be the five of us and our film crew. No families, no girlfriends, no bodyguards, and no caregivers. As Howie had said, it would be just like old times.

“Do you need help putting this thing together?” Howie asked, opening the case that contained my shower chair.

Well… almost.

***

The sprawling mansion loomed ahead of us, two stories and multiple wings that wrapped around a large courtyard. It was every bit as extravagant as the man who had once owned it.

“There is where Lou lived when he went to prison,” I told the others as they stood at the edge of the courtyard, looking up at the house. I’d found the address online in a listing for a bankruptcy auction of our original manager Lou Pearlman’s estate. “When the bank possessed the property, they sold everything in here, probably to pay back, I mean, three hundred million dollars I think he owed, he stole, or was missing, so… I’m sure they tried to sell and scrape up anything they could.” Four years after the auction, the house still stood empty. The grass on the front lawn was patchy and overgrown, the once-neat landscaping in need of weeding and trimming. It was a perfect representation of its former owner, a man who’d had everything and lost it all. “So, anyway… this is where the old bastard lived right before he went to prison.”

“Now he’s in a, what, four by six or whatever they have in jail?” The camera crew followed AJ as he walked toward the house. “So, how did this all go down? Did the cops just show up unannounced and just take him straight from here or what?”

“No, they didn’t get him from here; they found him in freaking Indonesia somewhere,” said Brian. The bitterness in his tone fit the way I felt about Lou: angry, hurt, betrayed.

In the beginning, Lou had been like a father to me. We even called him “Big Poppa.” When I’d met him a year-and-a-half after my real dad died, he had taken me under his wing and made me feel special. To find out that he had been exploiting me and the other guys the whole time, making millions off us while we’d busted our asses for a mere sixty grand each, was beyond devastating. It felt like the rug had been swept out from under my feet.

Fifteen years after filing the first lawsuit against him, Brian seemed to take satisfaction in Lou’s downfall. Howie and AJ acted almost gleeful as they explored the property, peeking in windows and rattling door handles until they found one that was unlocked.

Nick hung back, gnawing on his nails and chewing on the inside of his cheek. “I don’t really wanna go in,” he said, wrinkling his nose as Howie opened the door.

“Why not? You worried we’re gonna get in trouble for trespassing?” Brian asked him. “There’s nobody here, Nick – not unless you count the cat.” He tipped his head toward the white kitty we’d found sunning itself inside one of the doors. “I don’t think she’s gonna call the cops on us.”

A brief smile flickered across Nick’s lips, but he shook his head. “I just don’t wanna.”

“What about you, Kev? There’s only a couple of steps; we can carry you up ‘em if you wanna come in.”

I hesitated, torn between curiosity and concern over Nick’s uncharacteristic reaction. “Nah, that’s okay – you guys go ahead. I think I’ll just hang out here with Nick.”

“Suit yourself,” Brian replied with a shrug before following Howie and AJ inside. The camera crew went with them to film the interior while Nick and I waited outside.

“You okay?” I asked him once we were alone. I had never known Nick to turn down an adventure like exploring an abandoned mansion.

He nodded. “Yeah… I just don’t feel like going in right now.”

“It’s not ‘cause of me, is it? ‘Cause Brian’s right – it wouldn’t be hard for y’all to bump me up two steps.”

“Nah, that’s not it.”

“Then what is?” I pried gently. “Is it Lou?”

He shrugged. “I dunno. It just feels weird being here.”

“I know what you mean,” I said, nodding. “It’s weird for me, too. I still have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I haven’t forgiven him for screwing us over the way he did, but at the same time… he was like a second dad to me back in the day. It’s hard to let go of that sentiment, you know?”

Nick nodded again but said nothing. He wandered away, heading toward the large lake behind the house. As I watched his retreating figure, I wondered if he felt the same way. I knew his relationship with his own father had been strained even before Leslie’s passing. They had been closer when Nick was younger, taking fishing trips together and competing in power boat racing, but even then, Bob Carter always seemed to put other priorities ahead of his firstborn son. I remembered how he and Nick’s mother had signed their parental rights away before our first tour, naming Brian Nick’s temporary guardian while we were on the road. But, with only a five-year age difference between them, Brian had always been more of a big brother to Nick than a father figure. Maybe Nick had looked up to Lou the same way I had and felt his betrayal as deeply as I did. I hoped that was what was bothering him and not something worse.

After a moment’s hesitation, I hurried after him but quickly fell behind, struggling to push my wheels through the tall grass that had sprouted between the path of paving stones set into the ground. “Hey, Nick!” I called. “Can I get a little help here?”

He paused, then trotted back to give me a push. Bumping my wheelchair along the path, he took me down to the boat dock, which looked like it had seen better days. The weathered wood was in need of staining, and clumps of Spanish moss hung from the terracotta roof. There were no boats tied to the dock, just a wooden bench overlooking the lake. Nick parked my chair next to it, put on the brakes, and plopped down onto the bench.

“Pretty lake,” I commented, trying to strike up a conversation. “It’s peaceful here, isn’t it? I can see why Lou bought the place.”

Nick nodded. “Yeah.” As he stared out at the water, I studied his profile, wondering what was on his mind. It was hard to tell; he wore a blank expression that masked his emotions.

I thought about the rumors that had circulated after Lou’s arrest, sparked by an article in Vanity Fair that alleged he had acted inappropriately around members of his boy bands. Nick’s and AJ’s mothers had both been quoted in it, suggesting something may have happened between Nick and Lou. Concerned, I had called Nick to ask him about it, but he’d blown me off, insisting that whatever his mother had told the magazine was bullshit. “You know my mom. She’ll say anything to get her name in the news,” he’d insisted. I had let the matter drop, too busy being a dad to my newborn son to worry about Nick. The accident happened a few months later, turning my world upside down. I’d barely given Lou a second thought in the five years since.

But now, as we sat on his boat dock, I found myself remembering things I hadn’t thought about in a long time. Like how touchy-feely Lou was, always squeezing our shoulders or rubbing our backs, patting our abs to feel how firm they were. How he would invite us all over to hang out at his house and answer the door in nothing but his bathrobe, apologizing for having just gotten out of the shower. How we would gather in his home theater to watch movies and end up watching porn instead. At the time, it hadn’t seemed inappropriate; Howie, Brian, and I were all over eighteen, and Lou’s place felt like a frat house. I hadn’t gone to college, but I’d just assumed that was what guys our age did. What I hadn’t considered was the fact that Nick and AJ were still minors. Looking back on those days from the perspective of a fully-matured man who was roughly the same age as Lou had been at the time, it felt much creepier now. No wonder Nick suddenly seemed so withdrawn, so hesitant to set foot inside his house.

“Hey, Nick,” I said softly. “If he… if Lou… did something to you back in the day… you know it wasn’t your fault, right? You were just a kid.”

Nick shook his head. “I knew one of you was gonna bring that up again,” he muttered, crossing his arms over his chest. “Look, nothing happened between me and Lou, so just let it drop, okay? I don’t wanna talk about it.”

But his defensive tone suggested otherwise.

“Okay,” I said, knowing better than to push him. “But if you ever change your mind, you can always confide in me. I’ll listen… I won’t judge.”

“Thanks, Kev. But I’m fine,” Nick insisted. “The Lou stuff… that was a long time ago. I just don’t like reliving those days. It still makes me mad to think about how he fucked us all over – financially, I mean.”

I nodded. “Me, too.” But, at that moment, I felt more guilty than angry. I was the grown-up in the group when we first began; it was my job to look out for the younger guys. If I found out that Lou had hurt one of my little brothers on my watch, I would never be able to forgive myself.

“Honestly, I’m glad we didn’t get approval to go to the prison,” Nick admitted. “I never wanna see that guy again.”

Our production company had contacted the federal correctional institution where Lou had been incarcerated for the past five years, asking for permission to film there, but they’d been repeatedly turned down. I knew our producer was disappointed, but after seeing how uncomfortable Nick was just visiting the last place Lou had lived as a free man, I also felt relieved that we wouldn’t have to confront him face to face in front of the cameras. “Agreed,” I said, giving Nick a pat on the shoulder.

“Hey, there you guys are!” Hearing AJ’s voice, I glanced back to see him clomping across the boat dock. “I wondered where you went.”

“You know Nick – when in doubt, look for him by the water,” I said with a smile. “Are Brian and Howie still inside the house?”

“Yeah, last I saw them, they were heading upstairs. There’s not much to see, though; the whole place has been gutted. It looks like it’s in the process of being remodeled.”

I raised my eyebrows. “The new owner needs to invest in better locks.”

AJ laughed. “Right? So, what are you two talking about down here?”

“Not much… just what a huge piece of shit Lou was,” Nick replied in a flat voice.

“Ah… another nice little walk down memory lane, then, eh?” AJ said sarcastically.

All jokes aside, it had been a pleasant trip up until that point. The previous day, we had driven down to West Palm Beach, where AJ was from, and visited the private school he’d attended there. Before coming to Lou’s house, we had gone to Howie’s old neighborhood and high school in Orlando. I’d enjoyed seeing the places where they had grown up and talking to people who had known them before I did.

We planned to spend the next day driving around our old stomping grounds in Orlando before heading to Tampa, Nick’s hometown, the following day. I hoped Nick would open up and talk more when it was time to tell stories from his childhood, but, deep down, I was a little worried about how he would react to visiting his old neighborhood and school. I knew he hadn’t grown up in a stable, loving family like the rest of us had, and from what I could recall, his educational experience hadn’t been all that great either.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked him that night in our hotel room as he helped me get ready for bed.

Lifting my right leg to stretch my hamstring, Nick nodded. “Yeah, why?”

“I dunno – you just seemed kinda quiet today. Something on your mind?”

He shrugged. “Seeing Lou’s big, empty house kinda creeped me out, not gonna lie, but I’m fine. It’s just weird, being back in Orlando, seeing places I haven’t been since I was a teenager. So much has changed since then. Don’t you feel that way, too?”

“Yeah, of course. I mean, look at me.” I gestured toward my foot, which was resting on Nick’s shoulder. It was swollen from sitting in my chair all day; my toes looked like five fat little sausages stuffed into their casing. I made a mental note to ask Nick to put a pair of compression socks on my legs when he finished stretching them. “It’s hard for me, too, seeing all these places from our past and remembering how it used to be… how I used to be.” A lump rose in my throat as I pictured myself as a young man, walking on my own two feet, hand in hand with Kristin. “I would give almost anything to go back. But, then, I wouldn’t have Mason… or Natalie…”

Nick flashed me a brief, tight-lipped smile. “I know what you mean. But I would never wanna go back. I like my life a lot better the way it is now.”

“You’ve come a long way since then,” I agreed, smiling back at him. “Things still going well with you and Lauren?”

He nodded, gently lowering my leg back onto the bed. “Never better. How ‘bout you and Natalie?” he asked as he bent my knee.

“We’re great. She’s great.” While he worked out my knee joint, I told him about my disastrous birthday dinner and how well Natalie had handled the aftermath.

At first, Nick laughed as I described the horror of being serenaded by a mariachi band while I was sitting in my own shit, but his smile faded as the story went on, his eyes growing wide with sympathy. “Damn, dude,” he said when I was done. “That sounds awful for everyone involved.”

“Believe me, it was. But, honestly, as much as I wish it hadn’t happened, it actually helped bring Nat and me closer together in a way,” I admitted. “It broke down the last barrier that stood between us and being able to spend more than one night alone together, which was my bowel program.”

“Ah,” Nick said knowingly. “So you finally decided to let her help with that, huh?”

I nodded. “I had Dawn show her last week. After everything we dealt with on my birthday, I figured we were both ready for it. Natalie’s pretty much seen all the worst parts of my disability by this point, and none of it’s been bad enough to drive her away yet.”

“So, how’d it go?” he asked, straightening out my leg.

“Honestly, she reacted better than you did the first time,” I replied with a wink.

Nick’s face reddened. “Well, I hope you prepared her more than you did me. I had no freaking clue what I was getting myself into.”

“I know.” I shot him an apologetic smile. “It’s a lot. But if it was too much for her, she didn’t let it show. Granted, I haven’t seen her since that day – she’s been working, and I’ve been here with you guys – so I guess I’ll have to wait and see how it goes the first time she has to do it without Dawn around to help.”

“But if it goes well, then what? You won’t need Dawn anymore?” Nick asked as he manipulated my ankle joint, moving my foot in small circles.

“Dawn’s not going anywhere,” I said firmly. “Even if Natalie and I started living together full time, I would still need help when she was out of town. But, at least, now we can take a trip with just the two of us if we want to without having to plan everything around my bowel program.”

“Well, that’s good. Is she gonna be around the weekend we’re performing at Disneyland?”

“Yeah, she got that weekend off, so she can come watch us. But I’m bringing Dawn and Mason with me, too – it’ll be Mason’s first trip to Disney – so I won’t need Natalie to do my program then. It’s nice that she knows how, but she’s my girlfriend, not my caregiver, you know? I don’t want her wiping my ass unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

“No, I get it. I was just making sure you wouldn’t need me to wipe your ass,” Nick said with a lopsided grin. “Not that I mind, but…”

“But you don’t wanna wipe my ass unless absolutely necessary either,” I finished for him, smirking back. “Don’t worry about it, bro – the feeling’s mutual. But I appreciate your willingness to do it when I need you.” Watching him flex and extend my bare foot without batting an eye, I marveled over how much he had matured over the years. “You’ve been a good friend to me, Nick. All y’all have, but I’ll never forget the way you and AJ stepped up to help after I got hurt. I don’t think anyone really wants to do that stuff, but you did it… and here you are, almost five years later, still helping me out.” A warm feeling of gratitude washed over me, but with it came a fresh wave of guilt. Nick had been there for me when I needed him… but had I been there for him?

“It’s no big deal,” Nick said, shrugging as he set my foot down. “It was at first, but after awhile, you just get used to it.”

“Yeah…”

“Five years, though… man.” He shook his head, moving around to the other side of the bed to stretch my left leg. “I can’t believe it’s been that long already.”

“I know. Time flies, huh?” I couldn’t believe it either. My little boy was big enough to ride his bike without training wheels, and my “baby” brother would turn thirty-three in three months. But as I studied Nick’s face, noticing the fine lines that had formed around his eyes and across his forehead, I could still see the thirteen-year-old boy he had been when we’d first met. The idea of Lou touching him inappropriately, taking advantage of his innocence, filled me with a mixture of rage and revulsion. “Hey, Nick…” I wanted to revisit the conversation we’d had on Lou’s old boat dock, but I quickly changed my mind. No matter what had or hadn’t happened with Lou, Nick had made it perfectly clear that he didn’t want to talk about it, and I needed to respect his wishes. I owed him at least that much.

“What?” Nick replied, looking up as he moved my leg out to the side.

I hesitated, letting the words die on my tongue. “You, uh, mind putting some compression socks on me when you’re done? My feet look pretty swollen tonight.”

“Sure, bro. No problem.”

I forced a smile onto my face. “Thanks.”

***