“Happy New Year, Dad!” Mason shouted into the camera, his face filling my phone screen. It was only eight in the evening, but he already had a shiny 2013 hat on his head and a noisemaker in his mouth that he kept blowing loudly between sentences.
“Happy New Year, son,” I said, laughing. I decided not to tell him there were still four hours to go until midnight, figuring maybe Dawn was trying to trick him into going to bed early without feeling like he’d missed out. “Looks like y’all are ready to par-tay!”
Mason nodded eagerly. “Yeah! Me and Dawn made a cake, and now we’re waiting for it to cool down, so we can put the icing on it.”
“Yum! What kind of cake?”
“White with sprinkles.”
“Funfetti,” Dawn added with a smile as her face appeared behind Mason’s.
“That sounds good,” I said, smiling back. We usually didn’t make a big deal out of New Year’s Eve, but now that Mason was old enough to know it was a holiday most people celebrated, Dawn must have felt obligated to make it fun and festive for him. I didn’t blame her for buying party supplies and baking a cake while I was gone. When the cat’s away, the mice will play, I thought, wondering what else she and Mason were planning to do without me.
“We’ll save you a piece,” she promised. “So, what are you two doing tonight?”
“We have dinner reservations at this fancy French restaurant here at the resort. Nat got me all dressed up,” I said, holding my phone up at a higher angle so they could see the black suit I was wearing. “Now I’m just hanging out here in our room, waiting for her to finish getting ready. I thought I’d give you guys a call and check in, make sure everything’s good back home.”
“We’re holding down the fort for you,” Dawn assured me. “Don’t you worry about a thing. We just want you to have a good time – right, Mase?”
Next to her, Mason nodded. He looked happy enough that night, but I knew it was hard for him to have me gone so much. Work trips were one thing, but I’d never gone on a vacation without him before. No matter how many times Dawn tried to reassure me that Mason would be fine at home with her, I still felt guilty for leaving him behind, especially when I talked about all the fun things Natalie and I were doing in Jamaica.
“I’m having a great time,” I told them. “We went tubing this afternoon, and tomorrow, we’re gonna try snorkeling.” I loved rediscovering activities I’d enjoyed as an able-bodied person and finding new ways to do them as a quad.
“That sounds like fun… and a little scary, not gonna lie,” Dawn added with a nervous laugh.
“Don’t worry; I wore a lifejacket, and Nat was with me the whole time,” I reassured her. “She wouldn’t let me drown. But what’s life without a little risk, right?”
“Good point,” Dawn replied, smiling into her phone’s camera. “YOLO! Isn’t that what the kids are saying these days?”
“I dunno. Hey, babe?” I called through the closed bathroom door. “Do you know what YOLO means?”
“You only live once!” Natalie called back without missing a beat. “Unless you’re James Bond… then you only live twice!”
“Well, there ya go. I guess that is what the ‘kids’ these days are saying,” I told Dawn with a grin.
We chatted for a few more minutes, saying goodbye just before the bathroom door opened.
“Perfect timing,” I said as Natalie walked out. “I just got off the phone with…” I stopped mid-sentence, my jaw dropping as I got a good look at my girlfriend. “Wow.”
Natalie grinned. “What do you think?” she asked, posing with one hand on her hip to show off her outfit for the evening. She had traded the bikini she’d been wearing all day for a shimmery, champagne-colored minidress that clung to her curves and a pair of strappy heels that made her tanned legs look a mile long. Her hair hung in long, loose curls that framed her face, which was powdered with an extra dusting of bronzer and glittery eyeshadow that gave her a sun-kissed glow. I noticed the delicate, rose gold and pink pendant I’d given her for our six-month anniversary resting just below the hollow between her collarbones.
“You look incredible,” I replied as I rolled closer to her, wishing I could rise out of my chair to kiss her.
“Well, you look like James Bond in that suit. So sexy,” she said, brushing my hair back off my forehead.
I raised an eyebrow, putting on a suave expression. “Richardson… Kevin Richardson,” I said in my best Bond impression. But it didn’t sound right. “Doesn’t quite roll off the tongue the way his name does.”
Natalie laughed. “No… but that’s all right. I’d rather be a Backstreet girl than a Bond girl anyway.” She bent down and kissed me instead. “Much less deadly.”
My mouth went bone dry. “Yeah… only a one-in-five chance of being killed,” I muttered flatly, licking my lips. I could taste Natalie’s fruity lip gloss on the tip of my tongue, but my thoughts had turned to Kristin.
Natalie’s smile faded, her eyes widening as the color drained from her face. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “That must’ve sounded so insensitive of me. But I didn’t mean anything bad by it; I was just trying to make a joke. I wasn’t even thinking about… about Kristin…”
I wished I could say the same, but it was impossible for me not to think of Kristin that night. Even as I gazed up at Natalie standing in front of me, I could see Kristin in the gold dress she’d been wearing when we crashed.
Swallowing hard, I nodded. “I know. It’s okay. Sorry for being more sensitive – and morbid – than usual. I shouldn’t have said that; the words just came out of my mouth before I could stop them. I didn’t mean to kill the mood.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” Natalie said, looking down at me with sympathy in her eyes. “I know what a hard night this must be for you.” She rested her hand on my shoulder, rubbing it consolingly. “Of course you’d be more sensitive than usual.”
“It is… but I don’t wanna keep dwelling on it,” I replied determinedly, wrenching myself out of her grip as I rolled toward the door. “That’s why I brought you down here this week – to help me take my mind off it. I’m tired of spending New Year’s Eve moping around and feeling miserable. So let’s go enjoy a nice dinner, have a few drinks, and forget all about it.”
“Sounds like a plan,” said Natalie as she followed me out of our suite.
***
After finishing a leisurely dinner, we left the French restaurant and followed the strains of music to the terrace, where the New Year’s Eve party was in full swing. People were dancing as a live band played jazz music. Drinks were flowing from the small satellite bars that surrounded the dance floor, and a buffet was piled high with hors d’oeuvres and desserts, including a chocolate fountain. Two ice sculptures flanked the buffet table, adding a touch of elegance to the party space.
“Wanna dance?” Natalie asked me with a grin, her brown eyes twinkling in the soft, golden glow of the string lights that illuminated the terrace.
I felt a surge of anxiety as I looked at the dance floor. It was filled with couples, all of them on two feet. I would stick out like a sore thumb in my wheelchair. But Natalie was no wallflower; she deserved a man who wasn’t afraid to dance with her, and I was determined to be that man, in spite of my disability. After a moment’s hesitation, I nodded. “All right.” I knew I might make a fool of myself, but it was better than feeling sorry for myself. I hadn’t come here to sit off to one side and watch while everyone else celebrated. It was New Year’s Eve, and I was going to try to have fun and forget about everything else. Fake it until you make it, I thought as I followed my girlfriend onto the dance floor.
Heads turned as Natalie took both of my hands and began to sway back and forth in front of me. I kept my eyes locked on her, trying to block out everyone around us, but I could still feel the stares burning into my back. Natalie did a little twirl, dropping low to duck under my arm. “Your turn,” she said, smiling as she straightened up. I laughed as she spun my chair in a slow circle.
After a few minutes, I felt myself starting to relax. People had stopped staring at us, or maybe I had just stopped noticing. Natalie was a good distraction. I could hardly take my eyes off her as she sashayed around me in her short, shimmery dress. The way she looked back at me made me feel almost like the same man who had danced with Kristin on New Year’s Eve five years earlier.
When the band launched into a slower song, Natalie climbed onto my lap. Crossing her legs, she looped her arms around my neck and leaned into my chest. I kept my hands on my wheels, awkwardly rotating my chair around and around the dance floor. I desperately wished I could hold her and turn at the same time. Stand on my own two feet and look down at her instead of up. Dance with her the way I used to dance with my wife.
But, then, this was better than nothing. It was better than lying flat on my back in a hospital bed. Better than moping around at home like I had the last four New Year’s Eves. I knew I needed to stop dwelling on what could have been, what could never be, and stay present in the moment.
A year ago, I’d been sitting on the couch in my dark living room, watching the ball drop with Dawn, missing Kristin, and wondering if I would ever find another woman to share the rest of my life with. And, now, here I was, partying in a tropical paradise with my pretty girlfriend perched on my lap. A lot can change in a year, I thought, smiling up at Natalie. My life was far from perfect, but it was still pretty damn good.
Glancing down, Natalie caught me looking at her and beamed back. “Whatcha thinking about?” she asked, leaning close to my ear so I could hear her over the loud music.
“How lucky I am to have you in my life.” I turned my head and caught her lips in a tender kiss. “I love you.”
“Aww, babe… I love you, too!” She took my face between her hands, running her fingers up through my hair. “Ready to get out of here and go somewhere more quiet?”
I nodded. My wrists were getting tired from turning my chair around as I tried to dance. “We could take a stroll back down to the beach,” I suggested. “See if that beach chair is still available.”
“Let’s do it,” said Natalie, climbing off of my lap.
The resort had a beach wheelchair that was similar to the one I’d used the day I took Dawn and Mason to see the Pacific Ocean, just over a year ago. I was relieved to find that it was still available for me to use. “I must be the only one here on wheels right now,” I remarked to Natalie as she strapped me into the chair, which had wide wheels that wouldn’t sink in the sand.
“Lucky you,” she replied with a smile, straightening up. “Less competition.”
Lucky me. As we made our way down the wooden boardwalk to the beach, I truly felt lucky – not just to be there with Natalie, but to be where I was in life. Five years ago, my world had fallen apart. But, little by little, I had picked up the pieces and put it back together. It wasn’t exactly the same as before, but, in some ways, it was even more beautiful. My accident had shown me who my true friends were and brought us even closer together. It had introduced me to people I never would have met otherwise – people like Dawn, who had since become part of my family. And, in many ways, it had made me a better person, someone who wasn’t afraid to ask for help, who had learned to appreciate the little things in life, and who would never take another day for granted. I truly felt grateful for the good parts of my life – my family, my friends, my girlfriend, and my career – and that made it easier to deal with the downsides of living with my disability.
“Looks like we’ve got the place to ourselves,” Natalie said when we reached the dark, deserted beach. “Everyone else must be back at the party.”
I could hear the faint sounds of music and laughter in the distance, but otherwise, it was quiet. “Lucky us.”
Natalie removed her heels and left them at the end of the boardwalk while she pushed my chair all the way down to the sea. She parked me at the water’s edge and walked a few paces into the surf, letting it rinse the sand off her feet.
I watched her with envy, missing the feeling of cool, foamy water washing over my bare feet and warm, wet sand squishing between my toes. But although I would never experience those sensations again, I could still enjoy the sound of the waves rolling up to the beach, the briny smell of seawater in the balmy air, and the beautiful view of the ocean at night. “There’s a full moon,” I said, noticing its flickering reflection on the surface.
Natalie followed my gaze as I glanced up to admire the real moon hovering over the horizon. “Wow… it looks huge from here!”
“Yeah…” For some reason, the sight of the full moon made me melancholy. Maybe it was because I was so far away from home. Inexplicably, I thought of Mason, wondering if he was still awake. I imagined him sitting in the dark with Dawn, gazing out the window at the same moon as they watched for New Year’s Eve fireworks. It made me feel closer to him, even though we were physically far apart.
Still, the guilt I’d felt when I was on the phone with him earlier had returned with a vengeance. What kind of father goes on a week-long vacation with his girlfriend and leaves his kid at home? I asked myself, a lump swelling in my throat.
“You okay?” Natalie asked as I tried to clear it.
“Yeah. I’m just missing Mason,” I admitted. “It’s the first time I’ve been apart from him on New Year’s Eve since… well, since the night of the accident.” The lump in my throat grew larger. I recalled Kristin crying as we left the house that night, feeling guilty for leaving our seven-month-old son at home with a babysitter. Of course, we couldn’t have known we were making the biggest mistake of our lives. Five years later, I hoped I wasn’t making another one.
“Aww, babe…” Natalie wrapped her arm around my shoulders, hugging me from the side. “I’m sure he’s fine. But you can call him if you want. I won’t mind.”
After considering it for a second, I shook my head. “Nah… I already talked to him once tonight. I don’t wanna be a helicopter dad.”
“Well, then, why don’t you call Winston and see if he can bring us some champagne?” she suggested, her eyes twinkling in the moonlight.
“Good idea.” I’d already had plenty of wine at dinner, but I wasn’t nearly as drunk as I’d planned to be.
Natalie pulled the “but-phone” out of the bag on the back of my chair, and I placed the order for a bottle of champagne. Then we sat back to wait, Natalie perching on my knees with her toes in the water as we watched the waves roll in.
“It’s so beautiful here,” she said, reclining against my chest. “Thank you for bringing me.”
“Of course. Thanks for coming with me.”
“Any excuse to come to the beach!” She laughed.
“Yeah, but you can go to the beach whenever you want. You can go just about anywhere in the world whenever you want,” I replied, wrapping my arms around her. “That’s why it means so much that you’re here with me.”
Natalie turned her head to kiss my cheek. “There’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be than right here with you,” she whispered, her warm breath tickling the side of my face.
As I dragged my hand down her body, my gaze dropped to her long, shapely legs draped over my withered ones. Even after eight months, I still had to stop and pinch myself sometimes – figuratively speaking – to make sure that she was real, that I wasn’t just dreaming whenever I was with her. There was a part of me that still couldn’t fathom finding another woman who felt that way about me, let alone one like Natalie, whose fast-paced, carefree lifestyle and self-proclaimed fear of commitment didn’t exactly lend themselves to being tied down to a disabled, single dad. As an able-bodied, childless flight attendant, she had the freedom to be spontaneous – a freedom I would never be able to enjoy again. She could hop on a plane and fly to a distant place on a whim, while any trip I took required a great deal of advance planning. With a shake of my head, I replied, “I can’t imagine why.”
“Why not?” she countered. “This is paradise… and you paid for the whole trip!” She flashed me a wide, toothy grin.
“Oh, I see how it is,” I said jokingly. “So your sister was right: you really are just with me for my money.”
“Darn… you caught me.” Natalie rolled her eyes. “Sorry about Mindy. She can be a real ‘bee with an itch’ sometimes. But she’s just jealous that I get to go to Jamaica and lay on the beach with my hot, rich, famous boyfriend while she’s stuck at home, doing laundry and watching Peppa Pig reruns with Liam.”
I laughed. “Been there, done that. But the next time she starts in with that stuff, you should tell her what it’s really like to travel with a quadriplegic. Tell her how much effort it takes to transfer me in and out of the pool or change my clothes multiple times a day. Tell her how you have to wake up in the middle of the night to turn me in bed. Tell her about my bowel program. I’m sure she’ll really be jealous then.”
Natalie’s smile faded. “I wish you wouldn’t be so self-deprecating,” she said with a sigh. “You know I don’t mind doing any of that – whatever it takes for us to be able to enjoy some private time together.”
“Well, I hope you know how much I appreciate it,” I said, patting her bare leg. “Seriously… You’re a saint for putting up with me and all my baggage.”
She shook her head. “I’m not a saint. I’m a flight attendant,” she said with an impish grin. “We’re pretty good at handling baggage.”
“Good point,” I replied, grinning back at her. “Sorry for being such a sad sack. For a second there, I forgot this wasn’t the pity party I usually throw myself on New Year’s Eve.”
She picked my hand up off her leg and laced her fingers through mine. Then she brought it to her lips and planted a soft kiss on the base of my thumb, the only part of it I could feel. “I forgive you.”
Touched by her tender gesture, I tightened my other arm around her, giving her a little squeeze of gratitude. If it hadn’t been for her, I would have been feeling sorry for myself at home for the fifth year in a row. Natalie may not have been able to get me out of my feelings altogether, but at least she’d gotten me out of the house.
We settled into a comfortable silence, listening to the dull roar of the waves rolling into the beach and the distant sounds of revelry coming from the New Year’s Eve party we’d left behind. As we sat there, enjoying the peace and quiet of the beach at night, I became aware of a new and different sound: the rumble and squeak of rubber tires rolling over wooden planks. I only recognized it because it was similar to the way the beach chair had sounded when Natalie wheeled me down the boardwalk.
“Do you hear that?” I asked her, wondering if there was another wheelchair user at the resort after all.
“Yeah… what is that?” Slipping off of my lap, she stood up and walked around me. After a second, I heard her say in a low voice, “Oh, dear Lord…”
“What? What is it?” I couldn’t see the source of the sound. The boardwalk was behind me, and since the beach chair didn’t have big wheels like my manual chair, I wasn’t able to turn myself around to look.
“You have to see it to believe it, babe.” Natalie grabbed the chair’s push handles and pulled it backward, pivoting me to the point where I could see the boardwalk. Out of the darkness appeared a big, orange tricycle with a basket on the front, being pedaled toward us by a black man in a tuxedo.
“Is that Winston?” I asked, squinting at him.
“I sure hope that’s Winston and not that creepy puppet from the Saw movies,” Natalie muttered as we watched him wheel slowly down the boardwalk. “Could he have picked a more terrifying way to bring us champagne?”
I choked back a laugh. “Hey, at least we could hear him coming. Better than him sneaking up on us from behind.”
She shuddered.
Sure enough, it was Winston who parked his tricycle at the end of the boardwalk and approached us on foot, carrying a basket that contained a chilled bottle of champagne and two tall, narrow flutes. “Cheers to the new year!” the butler exclaimed in his heavy Jamaican accent, popping the cork and pouring us both glasses of the sparkling wine. He slipped a cocktail straw into mine before placing it carefully in my hands.
“Thanks, Winston. Happy new year!” We watched as he walked away, returning to his tricycle. “You know, you flight attendants should take a leaf out of Winston’s book and try wheeling a little trike up and down the plane aisle instead of pushing that pesky beverage cart,” I remarked to Natalie once he was out of earshot.
“Ha! Just what I’ve always wanted to do: ride a tricycle in high heels and a pencil skirt,” she replied sarcastically.
“I’d like to see that. I think Mason’s old trike is still out in the barn if you wanna practice sometime,” I joked. “Panties optional.”
“Oh, I’m sure you would, you dirty old man!” Natalie gave me a playful smack. Then, turning serious, she raised her glass to toast. “Here’s to rolling through life together.”
“To good times and new adventures,” I added with a nod, holding mine up as well. “Happy new year, Natalie.”
“Happy new year, Kevin!” She clinked her glass against mine, and we both took a sip of champagne.
At the stroke of midnight, a spectacular display of fireworks went off further down the beach, exploding in the sky over our heads in bright bursts of color. Far behind us, we could hear the crowd cheer as the band launched into “Auld Lang Syne.”
Natalie leaned in and kissed me long and hard on the lips. It was the first time in five years that I’d had a special someone to kiss at midnight, and I savored the moment, not wanting it to end. My last kiss with Kristin lingered in my memory, a harsh reminder of how quickly life could change. I clung to Natalie, reluctant to let her go.
It was only later as I lay in bed, my head buzzing from the half bottle of champagne I’d had on the beach – and the wine with dinner beforehand – that I thought of Dawn. For three years in a row, she had been right by my side as we rang in the new year, two grieving people whose outlook on the future was obscured by the trauma of the past. I pictured her sitting alone on my couch in the dark, watching the ball drop without me, and I felt bad for leaving her.
With a glance toward the bathroom, where I could hear the shower running, I fumbled around for my phone, which Natalie had left lying next to me on the bed. Finally managing to hook my fingers through the strap on the back of my case, I picked it up and opened the FaceTime app. My hand hovered over Dawn’s name as I hesitated, wondering if she was already asleep. If she was, I didn’t want to wake her. But, knowing Dawn, and knowing what it was like to live with the pain of losing someone so dearly loved, I assumed she was still awake.
Using my pinky knuckle, I pressed the button and waited while my phone dialed Dawn’s. After a few seconds, her face filled my screen, grainy and ghostly white compared to the dark room behind her.
“Well, hi!” she said softly, sounding surprised. “Happy new year!”
“Happy new year,” I echoed. “I just thought I’d call and check in again before I fall asleep. Did my little man make it to midnight?”
“Not quite.” Chuckling, she switched on a light, then shifted her phone to show me Mason, who was sound asleep in the bed beside her. “He’s been out for a few hours.”
“You let him sleep in your room, huh?”
Dawn flashed a guilty grin. “He asked, and I couldn’t say no. Not tonight.”
I understood. January first was a hard day for Dawn, too. It was her son’s birthday, and I knew she had to be missing him more than usual. “Eh, one night won’t hurt. Just don’t make a habit of it, or we’ll have a hell of a time trying to get him back into his regular bedtime routine when school starts again.”
“Don’t worry. I told him it was only for tonight. But it’s kinda nice having him here, even if he is a blanket hog.”
I chuckled. “I sure miss the little guy. Give him a kiss goodnight for me, would ya?”
“I will,” she promised. “And maybe you could send up a birthday wish for my boy.”
“Of course,” I agreed, making a mental note to include Michael in my prayers that night. “He’d be turning twenty-five today, right?”
“That’s right.” I heard her voice catch. “It’s crazy to think it’s been a quarter of a century since I became a momma. Makes me feel so flippin’ old.”
“Nah… you’re not old. You just had him young. Just think, when Mase turns twenty-five, I’m gonna be… sixty,” I said, cringing as I did the math. “Now, that’s old. But, then, I guess we’re both pretty lucky to get to grow old, huh?”
She sighed. “I guess so.”
The sadness in her tone made me wonder how often she wished, as I once had, that she could just go straight to Heaven to be with her son for eternity instead of living on Earth for several more decades without him. There was a time when I’d felt the same way, when dying had seemed far more desirable than spending the rest of my life in a wheelchair. But I didn’t feel that way anymore.
Hearing the water shut off, I cleared my throat. “Well, listen, I won’t keep you. It’s late, and I know how early my son likes to wake up. I just wanted to call and say goodnight.”
“I’m glad you did.” Dawn smiled, her teeth gleaming in the darkness. “Goodnight, Kevin.”
I hung up just as Natalie walked out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel. “Who were you talking to?” she asked curiously, looking around the room as if she half-expected Winston to pop out from under the bed.
“Dawn. I just called her to check in.”
Raising an eyebrow, Natalie gave the clock on the bedside table a pointed glance. “At two in the morning?”
“I figured she’d still be awake,” I said with a shrug. “Today’s her dead son’s birthday. She and I usually commiserate together on January first. I wanted to make sure she was okay.”
Natalie’s sharp gaze softened. “I see. And was she?”
“I guess.”
Natalie nodded. “Good. And how about you?” she asked as she shed her towel and climbed into bed beside me. “Are you okay?” She curled up close, resting her hand on my bare chest.
I took a deep breath before answering, inhaling the sweet, fruity scent of her body wash. When I wrapped my arm around her, I could feel the warmth radiating from her soft skin. “Yeah,” I murmured, hugging her to my side. “I am.”
***