Kevin
My last performance with the Backstreet Boys was at a Children’s Miracle Network telethon on June 4, 2006. I released a statement announcing my departure from the group less than three weeks later, but I had made the decision to leave long before that.
Kristin and I had been married for six years by that point; we were both in our mid-thirties, and her biological clock was ticking. We’d begun talking more seriously about our plans to start a family, and I wanted us to raise our kids at home rather than on the road. They deserved to have a normal childhood, like we both had been lucky enough to have. Selfishly, I also wanted to live a normal life myself for a while, far from the limelight in which I’d spent the last decade.
But, two years later, my life was anything but normal. As I sat in my wheelchair, looking out the window of my accessible van, I was reminded of just how much it had changed since January.
“It’s coming up in a couple of blocks,” I said to Sam as she drove down Sunset Boulevard. “There’s a parking lot on the left.”
“I know,” she replied, laughing. “I’ve seen a lot of shows here before. Mostly punk bands, though. Never thought I’d go to a Backstreet Boys concert. Eighth grade Sam wouldn’t believe it.”
“Well, now you can cross it off your bucket list,” I said, smiling as the Hollywood Palladium’s marquee came into view. BACKSTREET BOYS, NOVEMBER 23, 7:30 PM. A lump rose in my throat when I saw a framed poster of the Boys on the front of the theater. It was still a little weird for me to see them as a foursome.
The parking lot was still mostly empty when we pulled in. Sam found an accessible spot right by the building. She parked the van, then lowered the ramp and came around to unbuckle me from the back. I rolled down the ramp and out onto the pavement.
“Yo, Kev!” Recognizing Q’s booming voice, I looked up to see the bodyguard waving at me across the lot, toward the back of the building. “This way!”
“Hey, Q!” I called as we went over to him. “How’s it goin’, man?”
“All good here, dawg. Last show, and then I get a nice, long break.” He grinned. “How ‘bout you? How you been?”
“Not bad,” I answered honestly. While my new life wasn’t always what I would call “good,” it was slowly getting better. I had come a long way in the last eleven months.
“Glad to hear it. Looking good, my man,” he said, giving me a fist bump.
“Thanks.” I glanced down at myself. I was wearing a loose-fitting light blue button-down over a long-sleeved navy blue shirt with jeans and a pinstriped fedora. My all-blue outfit felt boring compared to Sam’s stylish ensemble: a pair of black faux leather leggings, a zebra-print top, and a cropped red jacket that complimented her glasses and contrasted with her hair. “This is Sam, by the way,” I added, tipping my head toward her. “Sam, meet Q, our – I mean, the guys’ head of security.”
Q shook her hand. “Nice meeting you, Sam.”
“Nice to meet you, too!” she replied, smiling brightly.
“The boys have been waiting for y’all,” Q said as he took us into the building, using a side door that led to the backstage area. “Everyone will be glad to see you.”
I was excited to see everyone, too, but also anxious about the way being at my first Backstreet Boys concert in more than two years would make me feel. I wasn’t the same person I had been at the last one. I knew it would bring back a lot of memories from the life I’d had before I left the group, before my injury.
“Kevy Kev!” AJ was the first to run up to me backstage. He threw his arms around me, hugging me in my chair. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me, too,” I said, even though I wasn’t entirely sure it was true. “It’s good to see you, brother.”
“Hey, cuz!” Brian came over to embrace me next. “How’s it goin’?”
“Pretty good, all things considered. How about you? Ready to see the fam next week?”
Grinning, he nodded. “Can’t wait.” In a few days, Brian, Leighanne, and Baylee would fly to Lexington with Mason and me for Thanksgiving. Brian’s family was only spending a week in Kentucky before going back to Georgia, but I had agreed to stay through December and return to L.A. in January. The holidays were going to be hard; I knew I would need the support of my family to get through them.
“Kevin!” I looked past Brian to see Howie striding over, a big smile on his face.
“Howie D! How ya doin’?” I asked, opening my arms for a hug.
“A lot better than last time I saw you,” Howie said as he leaned down to hug me.
“Glad to hear it, man.” I wrapped my arms extra tight around him, knowing the holiday season would be just as hard for his family as it would be for mine.
“Leigh and I have some good news to share,” he added as he straightened up again and glanced back at his wife, who had just come out of his dressing room down the hall. “The other guys already know, but we wanted to wait and tell you in person.”
“What’s goin’ on?” I asked, pretending I had no idea what his good news could be even though I was pretty sure I knew what he was going to say.
Howie and Leigh looked at each other, grinning. “We’re gonna be parents!” he announced proudly, wrapping his arm around her waist. “Baby Dorough is due in June.”
“Congratulations!” I exclaimed, feeling a smile stretch across my own face as my suspicion was confirmed. “You guys are gonna be great parents. I couldn’t be happier for you.”
Leigh let out a little giggle of excitement. “Thanks!” She was hardly showing yet, but when she placed her hands on the front of her flowy top, I could see the hint of a tiny bump forming.
“Another Backstreet baby,” I said, still smiling. “Do you know whether it’s a girl or a boy?”
“We’re not gonna find out before it’s born,” Howie replied. “I’m sure the fans will want a little girl, but my family’s hoping for a boy, someone to carry on the Dorough name. All Leigh and I care about is having a healthy baby.”
I nodded. “That’s all that really matters.”
“We’re still in our first trimester, but so far, everything’s been fine,” said Leigh, rubbing her belly. “We’re going to wait until after the holidays to share our news with the world, but we wanted to tell our families first – which includes our Backstreet family.”
I was touched that she still considered me to be a part of that special group of people. “Kristin would be thrilled for you, too,” I said with a wistful smile.
Howie nodded. “So would my dad. I wish he could be here to meet the baby when it comes, but I know he’ll be watching over his grandson or daughter. It’s kinda fitting that Leigh’s due date is the same month he died… like we’ve come full circle or something. When one life ends, a new life begins.”
“Very true,” I agreed, swallowing the lump that had swelled in my throat. “What a great gift for your family to look forward to.”
“Congratulations!” I had almost forgotten Sam was with me until she stepped forward, holding out her hand. “I’m Sam, Kevin’s-”
“Of course! Sam!” Howie ignored her hand and hugged her instead. “It’s so nice to finally meet you. Thanks for everything you’ve done for Kevin.”
“Sorry, I forgot to finish introducing you to everyone,” I said, smiling sheepishly as Leigh hugged Sam as well. I was happy she had gotten a chance to meet the other half of the group, but at the same time, it was a little weird watching people from two different parts of my life interact for the first time.
“No worries. It’s good to finally meet you all,” said Sam. “I’ve heard a lot about you guys from Kevin.”
“Well, welcome to the family.” Brian slung his arm around her. “We’re happy to have you here.”
“Thanks!” She grinned. “It’ll be my first Backstreet Boys show.”
Brian’s eyes widened with surprise. “No way! Well, hey, even better!”
“Speaking of the boys, y’all seem to be missing a member,” I said, looking around. “Where’s young Nickolas?”
“Probably passed out in his dressing room,” AJ replied with a shrug.
I frowned. “Is he still not feeling good?”
“Not really. He performed with us last night in Vegas, but it was pretty rough. Howie had to sing most of his solos because Nick lost his voice and can’t hit half the notes.”
“Oh no…” I felt bad for Nick, knowing how hard it was to give one hundred percent when you only felt like fifty. We had all performed while under the weather, but that didn’t make it any easier.
Brian cleared his throat. “Hey, speaking of performing… How would you feel about coming onstage with us for the encore, Kev?”
I felt my face flush as panic flooded my mind. Nick hadn’t said anything about performing when he had asked me to come to the show.
“Please?” Sensing my hesitation, Howie looked hopefully at me. “For the fans? You know how much they would love to see you sing with us again.”
“I… I dunno, fellas,” I stammered. “I haven’t done anything like that in a long time.”
“You did it at our anniversary party back in April,” Brian pointed out.
“That was different,” I protested. “It wasn’t on a stage in front of thousands of fans.”
“Aw, c’mon, Kevy Kev!” AJ gave me an encouraging grin. “It’ll be just like riding a bike!”
“Yeah, that’s what you said last time, but I can’t ride a bike anymore either, remember?” I replied, flashing him a crooked smile in return.
“Well, we’re not asking you to ride a bike. All you have to do is sing. No choreography or talking to the crowd… Just sing.”
I sighed. He made it sound so simple. “What song are you doing for the encore?”
“‘Shape of My Heart.’”
I considered that for a few seconds. “Shape of My Heart” was a pretty easy song. I didn’t have any solos in it, and there were no dance moves to work around. It was also the last song I’d sung with the guys at that telethon, my final performance as a Backstreet Boy. How fitting for it to be my first performance with them in front of fans since I’d left the group.
“What would Kristin want you to do?” Sam asked.
As I glanced at her, I suddenly remembered the conversation we’d had right before the Boys’ anniversary party. Of course, Sam had helped convince me to go, but it was really my wife’s words, whispered to me in a dream, that had made all the difference. “Let the light shine down on you, darling, and share your own light with the world.” I knew Kristin would have encouraged me to face my fear and perform with the guys again – not only for the fans, but for myself.
Taking a deep breath, I nodded. “All right. I’ll do it.”
“Yeah!” Brian’s face split into a wide grin as he punched the air.
AJ clapped me on the shoulder. “You got this, buddy. It’s gonna be great.”
“The fans are gonna freak out!” Howie agreed, grinning.
“Freak out about what?” a low voice asked. I looked up to see Nick walking toward us. He looked tired, but when he saw me, his whole face lit up. “Kevin! Hey, bro.”
“Hey, Nick!” I smiled at him, stretching my arms out for a hug.
He hesitated. “I probably shouldn’t get too close. I got checked up by another doctor when I got to Vegas yesterday, and he said I had the flu. I may still be contagious.”
“I don’t care. C’mere.”
Smiling back, Nick bent down to hug me.
“How you feelin’?” I asked as he straightened up again.
“Better,” he said with a shrug. “I know I don’t look or sound like it, but I feel a lot better than I did Friday.”
“Good.” I could still hear the strain in his voice, which was quite a bit lower than it normally sounded. No wonder he couldn’t hit half his notes. His color was off, too, I realized as I took a closer look at him. His complexion appeared strangely… orange. “But why do you look like a jack-o-lantern?” I asked, frowning.
Nick’s face went from tangerine to tomato red as the other boys burst out laughing. “I used a self-tanner before soundcheck yesterday so I wouldn’t look sick,” he admitted. “I may have gone a little overboard.”
I raised my eyebrows. “A little? Jeez, Nick! Now you just look jaundiced!” Not even the orange t-shirt he was wearing with a pair of baggy gray sweatpants could cancel out the weird color of his skin.
He snorted and shook his head. “God… that’s all I need is for my poor liver to start crapping out on me, too. I guess it wouldn’t be surprising, all things considered.”
My smile faded. “Aside from having the flu, how have you been doing, healthwise?”
“Fine,” he said, flashing me a quick smile. “I’m still on the wagon, bro. You don’t need to worry about me.”
But I couldn’t help but worry. When the guys took the stage for soundcheck, I watched from the wings, wincing whenever I heard Nick’s hoarse voice crack. He struggled through his solo on one of their new songs, “Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon,” stopping every few seconds to cough or sip water while Brian and AJ sang the other verses. After that, the guys went easy on him and sang “I’ll Never Break Your Heart,” in which Nick had no solo parts. I didn’t know how he was going to get through the show that night.
After soundcheck, Sam and I ate dinner backstage with the boys. I was filling them in on the wrongful death suit Kristin’s dad had filed against the woman who’d hit us, which had finally reached a settlement, when I saw Nick’s face change. He had been frowning in concentration as he listened to my story, but suddenly, he looked up, his lips curving into a smile. “Sorry, hang on a sec,” he interrupted me as he rose from his seat and walked away. “Hey!” I heard him say, his voice jumping half an octave. “I’m so happy you came!”
I turned my chair around to see him hugging a young woman with long, black hair. It took me a moment to recognize his youngest sister, Angel. The last time I had seen her in person, she was a teenager. She was all grown up now and absolutely gorgeous.
As Nick let go of Angel, both his attention and mine turned to the tall brunette standing next to her. That must be Lauren, I realized as he leaned in to kiss her lips. I watched the two of them interact, smiling at the way Nick took her hand to walk her over to us. He had a new little bounce in his step that helped him no longer look sick.
“Everyone, I want you to meet Lauren Kitt,” he announced, still holding on to Lauren’s hand.
Lauren smiled awkwardly as she looked around at us. “Nice to finally meet you all,” she said. “Nick’s told me a lot about you.”
“Really?” Brian frowned. “That’s weird because he hasn’t mentioned you at all.” Nick’s mouth fell open to protest, but before he could say anything, Brian’s face split into a big grin. “Just kidding. He won’t stop talking about you. Welcome!”
“Thanks! This is my first Backstreet Boys show.”
“Girl, same!” Sam chimed in with a grin. “I’m Sam. I came with Kevin.”
Lauren smiled back at her, then at me, her eyes dropping briefly to my chair before they focused on my face. “It’s good to meet you both. I guess we’ll get to hang out together during the show, huh?”
“Depends on where you wanna watch from,” said Nick. “It’s all GA, so we’re gonna have Kevin hide back here so he can come onstage and surprise all the fans for the encore. But you guys can go out on the floor so you have a front view of the stage.”
“Leighanne and I will be out in the audience,” Leigh said, smiling. “You’re welcome to watch with us.”
“Yeah, that way you’ll get the full fan experience,” Leighanne added, raising her eyebrows. “You should know what you’re getting yourself into here.”
Lauren laughed.
Angel looked at her and rolled her eyes. “Wait ‘til they start screaming. Your ears will be ringing for a week.”
“Oh, I’m not worried about that,” said Lauren, shrugging. “I’ve been to plenty of metal concerts. I don’t mind it being loud.”
Angel shook her head. “You have no idea. Metal concerts have nothing on my brother’s crazy fangirls.”
Lauren just giggled again. I could tell she didn’t quite believe Angel, but she would find out for herself soon enough.
Five minutes before the boys were set to take the stage, they gathered in a big circle with their band and crew for the pre-show prayer and chant, a ritual we had established in the early days of the group and had been doing ever since. I wasn’t going to join in until AJ looked back and beckoned to me. “Kev, c’mon! Get in the circle!”
I couldn’t hide my smile as I rolled over to him, wedging my wheelchair between him and Nick. Even though I wasn’t really part of the group anymore, it felt good to be included. I held out my hands for Nick and AJ to take as we bowed our heads.
Howie led the prayer that night. “Lord, we thank You for the friends, family, and fans who are here with us tonight. We ask You to watch over us all as we take the stage tonight and help us put on a great show. In Your name, we pray. Amen.”
“Amen,” we all echoed, then put our hands together in the middle. I chanted the familiar words along with the others: “It’s tiiiiime we go to work, y’all! What kind of work? Hard work! Hooah!”
Once we broke apart, everyone went to their places. “Break a leg!” Sam called as Brian’s bodyguard Drew escorted her, Leighanne, Leigh, Lauren, and Angel out onto the floor to watch with the fans while I stayed backstage with the boys.
“You know, I could literally break a leg and not feel it,” I said, looking at Nick. “Is that, like, a bad omen or something?”
He laughed. “Dude… I dunno. Don’t break a leg then. Break an arm. Or your neck.”
I snorted. “Been there, done that. Do not recommend.” Then I smiled at him. “Take it easy out there tonight. Don’t overdo it.”
Nick grinned back. “Thanks, bro, but I’ll be fine.”
As he hurried off to take his mark, I found a place to park my chair on the side of the stage, far enough back that I could watch from behind the curtain without being seen by the audience.
When the lights went dark, a chorus of screams rose from the crowd. I smiled, remembering how it had felt to hear that level of enthusiasm as a performer who was ready to take the stage. I had to admit, I missed that feeling. Despite my nerves, a part of me was eagerly anticipating the reaction I would get when I joined the rest of the boys onstage at the end of the show. But until then, I looked forward to watching my first Backstreet Boys concert from the perspective of a fan rather than a performer.
The curtains in front dropped to reveal the full stage. A boxing ring sat in the middle, flanked by a pair of platforms where the band was set up. As they played “Eye of the Tiger,” an announcer’s voice introduced the boys. A huge video screen overhead showed footage of the guys walking to the stage in their white boxing robes. One by one, they appeared as silhouettes behind a sheer curtain on the stage as red and white spotlights shone on them. First Brian… then Howie… then Nick… and finally AJ. Once they had all been introduced, the curtains dropped, and the crowd’s screams escalated to a collective roar as the guys jogged into the ring. “Ladies and gentlemen!” the announcer shouted. “Put your hands together right now for the incredible… BACKSTREET BOYS!”
The excitement in the room was palpable. Watching the boys jog in place and punch the air in the four corners of the boxing ring, I felt an adrenaline rush of my own. But with it came a powerful sense of regret. I wanted to be out there with them, wearing my matching robe with RICHARDSON across the back – but in my old body, not my wheelchair. It hurt to realize how much I had taken for granted before I’d quit the group. Now, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t go back. At the end of the show, I would wheel out there with the guys for one song, but the experience would never be the same again.
I watched them perform “Larger Than Life” and “Everyone” with a lump in my throat, wondering what could have been. If I hadn’t gotten hurt, would I have eventually gone back? I liked to think I would have, when Mason was older and I’d had time to explore other opportunities. But the door the guys always said they’d left open for me to rejoin the group had been slammed in my face and locked forever the night I lost almost everything else I loved in life.
“There you go, got you crashin’ my dreams again… just when I’m trying to get over you. I tell my heart, but I can’t seem to comprehend… a day without you…”
With Nick singing lead, they launched seamlessly into one of the numbers off their new album, a song they had recorded without me. I felt indelibly left behind.
“Now you’ve carved out a life, but I wear the scars… reminding me by the hour… that it’s time to accept it’s the way things are. I wish I could, but…”
But my bitterness wasn’t directed at my little brothers. Watching them perform, I was proud of them for persevering and showing the world that the remaining four Backstreet Boys really were unbreakable.
“I can’t imagine it any other way,” they chorused, their harmonies as tight as ever despite the demanding choreography that accompanied the fast-paced song. “A world without you is only wasted space. You’re gone, and I’ll always wonder why you can’t be any other way.”
Having only listened to their album a handful of times, I hardly recognized the track they were singing, but the lyrics hit me hard. Although I knew it had been written and released long before my accident, it captured the past year of my life perfectly, like the guys had taken my grief and turned it into a song.
“Since you drained all the color out of the sky… how am I supposed to feel? It’s like I’m living in somebody else’s life. Tell me it’s not real…”
I blinked back tears as I thought of Kristin, who had danced rather than crashed into my dreams nearly every night after my accident, and of the misery I’d felt every morning when I woke to find myself staring up at the plain white ceiling of my hospital room, unable to move. Without my wife, my world was as colorless and dull as Dorothy’s life in Kansas. My dreams were more like the land of Oz, full of color and magic. If I could have clicked my heels, I would have wished to stay somewhere over the rainbow with her forever… if it weren’t for the fact that Mason was waiting for me at home.
“I can’t imagine it any other way. A world without you is only wasted space. You’re gone, and I’ll always wonder why you can’t be any other way.”
I wiped my eyes as the guys finished the song, trying to compose myself before one of them looked over and saw me crying. They sang two more songs from the new album, then wrapped up their first set with a fan favorite: “I Want It That Way.”
My throat tightened again as I listened to the band launch into the familiar intro and heard the fans’ screams rise in recognition. Toward the end of my time with the Backstreet Boys, there were songs I had gotten sick of performing, but this was never one of them. It was the first single in which I’d had a solo, the first time many of our fans had heard my voice featured, and for years, I had felt a surge of pride whenever I stepped forward to sing my part.
This time, it was Howie who began the bridge. “Now I can see that we’ve fallen apart… from the way that it used to be, yea-ah…” As he held the note, he happened to glance over at me. I pasted a smile on my face and gave him a nod of approval, pretending it didn’t hurt to hear someone else singing those words. But Howie sounded good doing it. I was happy for him; he had always deserved to have more solos.
After “I Want It That Way,” the other guys ran backstage to change while Howie stayed onstage for the first of their solo performances. “What do you think so far?” Nick asked as he walked over to me, lifting his tank top to wipe his sweaty face.
“It was a great first set,” I told him. As he took off the top and tossed it aside, I did a double take. “Damn, Nick… When did you get abs??” His stomach was flatter than I had seen it since he was a kid, his abdominal muscles more defined than they had ever been. I found myself staring at his new six-pack in disbelief.
Nick grinned. “Turns out, your beer belly goes away pretty fast when you stop drinking beer and start working out instead,” he replied, patting his stomach.
“Not mine,” I said, snorting as I glanced down at my pudgy quad belly, “but I’m proud of you, brother. All that hard work has paid off. You’ve never looked better!”
“Thanks, bro.” He unfastened the button on his pants and stepped out of them as a stagehand brought over a beige suit for him to put on.
“How are you feeling?” I asked as he changed.
Nick shrugged. “About as good as I sound. Better than yesterday, but still not a hundred percent.”
“Hang in there,” I said, reaching up to pat him on the back before he hurried off to get ready for the next number.
Nick’s voice held out through his solo. “I Got You” had always been my favorite track off his album, but as I watched him perform it, I felt like I was hearing it for the first time.
“People tell me… you stay where you belong. But all my life I’ve tried… to prove them wrong,” he began, standing in place at the center of the stage. “They say I’m looking for… something that can’t be found. They say I’m missing out. My feet don’t touch the ground.”
“But there are moments… when you can’t deny what’s true. Just an ordinary day… like when I met you.” As he sang, he walked slowly across the stage to where I imagined Lauren was standing and pointed into the audience. After seeing how smitten he was with her, the lyrics seemed more personal to me than they ever had before.
“It’s funny how life can take new meaning. You came and changed what I believed in,” Nick sang, a brief smile lighting up his face before he turned to cross back to the other side of the stage. “The world on the outside’s trying to pull me in… but they can’t touch me ‘cause I… got you.”
I couldn’t help but beam as I watched him, feeling like a proud father. Nick had grown up so much in the fifteen years I’d known him, but there was a newfound maturity about him that had only been there for a few months. I wasn’t sure whether it was Lauren’s influence, his health scare, or the experience of helping care for me that had led to his emotional growth spurt. Maybe it was a combination of all three. In any case, Nick had finally turned his life around, and his future had never looked brighter. I couldn’t have been happier for him.
By the end of the show, Nick’s voice was shot. “Dude, Kev… I dunno if I’m gonna be able to get through my solo,” he said to me backstage before the encore as he stripped down to the black wifebeater he’d been wearing under his blue t-shirt. He was drenched with sweat and breathing hard, his voice so hoarse I could hardly hear him. “Will you sing it for me?”
“What? Me?” I felt my eyes widen as a fresh bubble of panic burst inside my brain. At that moment, I couldn’t even remember the melody of Nick’s solo, let alone the lyrics. “I… I dunno, Nick. I’ve never sung that part before. What if I fuck it up or forget the words?”
“You won’t.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “You’ve heard me sing it hundreds of times; you know the words.”
“I haven’t really had a chance to warm up my voice; I thought I would just be singing on the chorus.”
Nick could clearly tell I was trying to come up with an excuse not to do it. “Dawg,” he said, smirking at me. “Please. I could get one of the other guys to do it, but I think it should be you. You’re the one the fans wanna hear.”
AJ must have overheard the whole conversation. “C’mon, Kev,” he said, clapping his hand down on my other shoulder. “You can do this, bro.”
I took a deep breath and nodded. “All right… but y’all better be ready to back me up if I choke out there.”
“You’re not gonna choke. Not this time,” said Nick, winking at me as his grip on my shoulder tightened.
I felt my face heat up as I remembered the hot dog incident and realized how lucky I was to be alive. Nick had saved my life. I owed him at least this much.
One of the stagehands helped me put on a headset so I wouldn’t have to worry about holding a regular microphone. As we took our places behind the curtain at the back of the stage, we went over the plan one more time. Brian would go on by himself to begin the song. As he sang the first verse, Howie would follow. I was to wait with Nick and AJ until the chorus to come out and surprise the crowd, whom I could hear chanting, “BACKSTREET BOYS! BACKSTREET BOYS!” on the other side of the curtain.
My pulse pounded in my neck as adrenaline coursed through my veins. I swallowed hard and cleared my throat, wishing I had taken more time to warm up my voice before the show. Pushing the microphone away from my mouth, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Softly, I sang a few bars of the first song that popped into my head: “Blackbird singing in the dead of night… take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life… you were only waiting for this moment to arise…”
When I opened my eyes, Nick was watching me with a smile on his face. “You’ve got this,” he mouthed, giving me a thumbs up. I nodded, managing to smile back. But I had never felt more nervous before a performance.
Looking around, I spotted a wardrobe rack with the boxing robes the boys had worn at the beginning of the show. I pictured my own matching robe, which was still hanging on the wall of my gym at home under the sign that said, “Show ‘em what you’re made of.” A lump rose in my throat as I heard my father’s voice repeating those words in my head, giving me the encouragement I needed to face my fear and go out on that stage.
Once the stage lights finally came back on, the low buzz of anticipation in the crowd became a loud outburst of cheers. The band began to play the opening chords of “Shape of My Heart” as Brian took the stage. “Baby, please try to forgive me,” he sang. “Stay here; don’t put out the glow.”
“Hold me now; don’t bother,” Howie harmonized with him as he walked out next. “If every minute it makes me weaker.”
I waited behind the curtain with one hand on my joystick, my heart hammering as hard as the heavy drum beats that vibrated through my body.
“You can save me from the man that I’ve become…”
As Brian finished the first verse, AJ leaned down, putting his hand on my back. “You ready?” I heard him whisper in my ear.
Taking a deep breath, I nodded. As AJ went through the gap between the curtains, I pushed my joystick forward and followed him onto the stage.
As soon as the fans recognized me and realized what was happening, a wave of shrill screaming swelled to a deafening height. I looked out into the audience, trying to find Sam’s face in the crowd, but the blinding lights made it impossible for me to see past the first few rows of people. From what I could tell, every hand holding a camera or smartphone had risen to record the moment. Then the beaming faces in the front row began to blur as my eyes filled with tears.
Overcome with emotion, I felt my throat threaten to close. I took a deep breath, hooking my arms behind the armrests of my chair so I could sing from my diaphragm, but my voice still cracked as I forced out the familiar words.
“Looking back on the things I’ve done… I was trying to be someone…”
I could barely hear myself over the screaming, which actually helped to make me less nervous.
“I played my part… and kept you in the dark. Now let me show you the shape of my heart…”
“Sadness is beautiful…” As AJ launched into the second verse, Brian leaned over to hug me, his whole face aglow with a grin. “Loneliness is tragical, so help me; I can’t win this war.”
“Touch me now; don’t bother,” I harmonized along with AJ like I used to. “If every second it makes me weaker.” He bent down, putting his head close to mine. “You can save me from the man I’ve become…”
“Looking back on the things I’ve done…” As we started the chorus again, Nick came over and put his arm around my shoulders. “I was trying to be someone. I played my part…” Playfully, I reached over and wedged my fingers under the hem of his wifebeater, pulling it up to expose his six-pack. I didn’t think it was possible for the fans to scream any louder, but somehow, they managed it. Nick just grinned and hitched his shirt up higher as I patted his stomach. “…and kept you in the dark. Now let me show you the shape of my heart…”
Suddenly realizing it was about to be my turn, I rolled my chair forward to the edge of the stage. As the spotlight focused on me, I felt a flood of panic wash over me, and for one terrifying moment, my mind went completely blank. But, just as Nick had promised, the words came back to me when I opened my mouth to sing.
“I’m here… with my confession…” My confidence grew as I glanced down at the front row of fans and saw them reaching up to me, cheering for me with even more enthusiasm than they had a decade earlier. “Got nothing to hide no more…” I stretched both arms out wide, letting them get a good look at me in my wheelchair. “I don’t know… where to start… but to show you the shape of my heart…” Then I brought my curled hands back in and held them close to my chest, hoping the audience would understand how much their support meant to me.
“I’m looking back on things I’ve done…” The other guys joined in, their voices growing louder as they gathered around my chair. “I never wanna play the same old part…” Howie knelt down on my left and leaned in to hug me. “…and keep you in the dark…” AJ appeared on my right and wrapped his arm around me. “Now let me show you the shape of my heart…”
Another round of screams rose to the rafters as confetti rained down on the crowd. We sang the chorus two more times before we finally joined hands to take our bows. Fresh tears filled my eyes as I lowered my head and leaned forward. I may not have been able to feel Howie and AJ holding my hands, but I could feel the love from my former bandmates and our fans. It was the best feeling in the world.
“THANK YOU, LOS ANGELES!” AJ shouted as the crowd continued to cheer. Then he turned and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a tight embrace. “You did it, bro!” he exclaimed in my ear. “I’m so proud of you!”
“Thanks for believing I could!” I called back to him. Blinking back tears, I tilted my head toward the ceiling as confetti continued to fall. If my dad and Kristin could see me now, I was sure they would both be just as proud.
Nick wandered over next and gave me another quick hug. “Dude, watch this,” he said, smirking as he let go. He went to the front of the stage and took off his wifebeater, tossing it aside while the fans squealed with delight. Then he turned and walked away, disappearing through the curtains at the back of the stage.
Laughing, I shook my head. What a tease.
I remained onstage with the others for a few more seconds, trying to soak up every moment. I had almost forgotten how good it felt to have a performance high. I wasn’t ready for that feeling to fade away. But when Brian, Howie, and AJ started to leave the stage, I waved to the fans one last time and turned my wheelchair around to follow them as the band played us out.
“I wonder which part of the show the fans were most excited about,” I said to the others afterwards as we hung around the backstage area. “My surprise appearance… or Nick stripping onstage?”
Brian raised his eyebrows. “Knowing our fans? Probably topless Nick.”
“I know, right?” I said, laughing as I looked over at Nick. “Way to upstage me, you little shit.”
He just grinned. “You know I get jealous whenever one of you gets more attention than me. I had to do something to get the girls’ eyes back on me where they belong.”
I wished at least one of my middle fingers still worked so I could flip him off. “You let my comment about your abs go straight to your head, didn’t you?”
“Yup,” he replied, snickering. “You’re not mad, are you?”
“Nope.” I glanced past him to see Sam hurrying towards us. She had a huge smile on her face. Grinning back at her, I said, “Honestly, this is the happiest I’ve felt in almost eleven months.”
Following my gaze, Nick looked back over his shoulder and spotted Lauren behind her. He nodded, a little smile tugging on his lips. “Me too.”
***