“Dad!” Mason’s voice called through the closed bedroom door. “Are you coming?”
“Give us a few more minutes, buddy!” I called back. “We’re still getting our swimsuits on!”
“Trying to, anyway,” Natalie added with a giggle as she tugged on the waistband of my swim trunks. “This will be so much easier once you have a bed here. Then, at least, I won’t have to crawl around on my hands and knees.”
“Or roll your boyfriend across the floor like a damn rug.” I couldn’t help but laugh along with her as she flipped me over onto my belly so that she could pull my shorts up in the back. Lying facedown on the beach towel she’d spread out on the hardwood floor, I felt like an infant doing “tummy time.” Now I knew why Mason had hated it so much when he was a baby.
“Stop,” said Natalie, giggling even harder. The sound of her laughter made me smile.
It had been over a week since my birthday. With everyone fully recovered from the stomach flu that had decimated our household, I’d flown Mason and Dawn out to L.A. with me for the closing date on our new house. Mason had a four-day weekend off from school for staff training, so the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. I had signed all the paperwork required to take possession of the house on Friday and met with the interior decorator I had hired to help me make it into a home.
Natalie had flown in Friday night, and we’d spent Saturday shopping for furniture and the other essentials we needed to move in, plus some toys and floats for the pool. Mason had been looking forward to swimming all weekend, but, so far, the temperature had barely made it above seventy degrees – perfect weather for fall, but too cool for swimming. Fortunately for him, Sunday had dawned sunny and warm with a predicted high of eighty, so we’d decided to try out the pool while we waited for our new beds to be delivered later that day. We had spent the past few nights in a hotel, but if all went according to plan, we would be sleeping in the new house that night.
“You might as well put some sunscreen on my back while you have me in this position,” I told Natalie. “If you don’t mind, I mean.”
“I don’t mind.” Kneeling on the floor next to me, she squirted some suntan lotion into her hands and rubbed it over my bare back.
“Mmm, that feels so good,” I said, enjoying the sensation of her fingers massaging my neck and shoulders. “Thanks, babe.”
“You’re welcome,” Natalie replied. “You can do mine next!”
When she finished with my back, she rolled me over again to apply more sunscreen to my front. “What are you doing down there?” I asked as I watched her drag her index finger across my chest. Lying flat on my back, I couldn’t lift my head far enough to get a good look at myself, nor could I feel her touching me that far down. “Are you drawing something?”
“You’ll see,” she said mysteriously, her lips twitching into a mischievous smile. When she was finished, she stood up and snapped a photo of me.
I had to laugh when she held out her phone to show me her handiwork. She had finger-painted a white smiley face on my torso with two hearts around my nipples for eyes and a curved line across my stomach for the mouth. Right above the waistband of my shorts, she had written I ♡ U.
“Aww… well, aren’t you sweet? I love you, too,” I said, puckering my lips for a kiss. Natalie dropped back down to my level and leaned over to plant one on them. When she pulled away, I added, “Nick or AJ probably would have just drawn a dick on me.”
“Oh, I already drew one of those on your back,” she replied with a wink.
As she rubbed in the sunscreen, a small fist started banging on the door. “DAD! Are you almost done??”
Natalie and I both looked at each other and laughed. “Almost! We’ll be right out, bud!” I promised Mason. To Natalie, I said, “We’d probably better get me back into my chair now.”
“Uh-huh…” She straightened up, putting her hands on her hips. “And just how are we going to do that?”
“Basically, the opposite of how we got me onto the floor in the first place.” I talked her through the process of helping me transfer from the floor to my wheelchair.
She was breathing hard by the time we were done. “Whew! Who needs to lift weights when they’ve got a boyfriend to haul around?” she joked as she bent down to position my bare feet on the footplates, fastening the straps to prevent them from sliding off. “Thanks for giving me a good workout, babe.”
“Hey, just doing my part to help you stay in shape. You gotta be strong to lift people’s bags into those overhead bins on planes, right?”
“You know it.” Natalie struck a Rosie the Riveter pose, flexing her bicep as she rose to her full height. “All right, I think you’re ready for the pool now. You’d better head outside before Mason has a fit. I’ll put on my suit and be right out.”
I chuckled. “You’re probably right. Thanks, babe.”
Rolling out of our pink bedroom, I found Mason running around the large, empty living room in his shark-printed swim trunks. He was already wearing his water wings, which Dawn must have inflated for him. Through the tall windows, I could see her pacing around the patio outside with the pool skimmer net in her hand. “Dawn made me wait in here,” Mason said with a pout.
“Well, that was probably a good call, considering she’s gotta clean the pool and you can’t swim.”
“Can so!” he replied indignantly.
“You can swim better than Daddy; I’ll give you that much,” I said, smiling at him. “But I want you to get some more practice before I’ll feel comfortable letting you go in the pool without floaties.” I’d put him in a beginner’s swim class a couple of summers ago to learn the basics. Parents were expected to participate, but I’d had no choice but to sit by the side of the pool and watch while Dawn went into the water with him instead. It was always hard for me to see other people stepping into the parental roles I was physically incapable of filling, although I appreciated Dawn’s willingness to do so. It had been easier the following summer, when Mason was old enough to enter the pool alone. I wished we had kept up with swimming lessons, but between nurturing my new relationship with Natalie and preparing for my trip to London, I had dropped the ball on registering him in time for the next level course. “We’re gonna have to get you back into swim class next summer.”
“Okay!” he said, pinwheeling his arms wildly as he pretended to swim through the air.
The sliding glass door opened, and Dawn stuck her head inside. “Okay, Mason, you can come out now.”
I followed Mason out onto the patio. It was a perfect day for swimming. The sun was shining, and the temperature was just warm enough without being too hot. The crystal blue water sparkled invitingly. “Pool looks good,” I said with a nod of approval.
“It feels pretty good, too,” Dawn said. “Not too cold. It’s a good thing we thought to turn the heater on and add a chlorine tablet to it yesterday. I put in one of those testing strips we bought to check the chemical levels, and everything looks good to go.”
“Awesome. Thanks for taking care of that.”
“Can we get in now?” Mason begged, bouncing up and down on his toes.
“I want you to wait until we get your dad in first,” Dawn told him. “And we’re not doing that until Natalie comes out here to help. Where is she, anyway?”
“Still changing.” I could tell Dawn was a little anxious. Since we didn’t have a pool at the house in Kentucky, and I wasn’t comfortable swimming around crowds of people at public pools, she had only been in the water with me a handful of times since she’d started working for me. But I wasn’t worried. My paralyzed body was surprisingly buoyant. As long as I had a couple of noodles underneath me and another adult nearby to flip me over if I went face-down in the water, I could float forever. “She’ll be out soon,” I assured her.
When I heard the sliding door open again, I looked up in anticipation. My jaw dropped as Natalie walked out, wearing a hot pink bikini that highlighted every curve of her body. “Wow… lookin’ good, babe,” I said with a grin.
She smiled back. “Thanks! Will you rub some sunscreen on my back?” she asked, holding up the bottle.
“I’ll sure try.”
Natalie squirted a big glob of sunscreen onto the heel of my hand, then turned around so I could smear it onto her back. I took my time, trying to avoid getting the greasy lotion on her swimsuit. Carefully, I rubbed it over the crow tattooed above her right shoulder blade, admiring every cute little freckle on her skin.
Dawn cleared her throat. “Do you want some help with that, Kevin, or are you about done?”
Okay, so maybe I took a little too much time. “No, I’ve got it,” I said, hastily rubbing the rest of the sunscreen across Natalie’s lower back. “There. All good.”
“Thanks, babe!” Turning around, she flashed me a radiant smile. “Ready to get in?”
I nodded, glancing at the lift installed on the side of the pool. “Let’s give this thing a try.”
I pushed myself over to the lift, positioning my chair next to the blue plastic seat. Dawn helped me transfer over to it, fastening the seat belt around my waist to prevent me from sliding off. Natalie went into the pool to wait while it slowly lowered me into the water. “How’s the temperature?” I asked her.
“It’s a little cool at first,” she admitted, “but it’ll be fine once you adjust to it.”
Looking down, I watched the water creep up my dangling legs, swallowing my feet first and then my knees, washing over my lap as the seat sank beneath the surface. I couldn’t feel it until it was almost up to my armpits. I hitched in a sharp break as the shock of cold hit me.
“You okay?” Natalie asked as she stood in front of me, her hands on my knees.
I nodded. “Just cold,” I said, shivering. I put my arms in the water and made paddling motions, hoping the movement would make me feel warmer.
“C’mere, babe.” Unbuckling my lap belt, Natalie carefully scooped me off the seat and into her arms, cradling me like a baby with one arm behind my back and the other under my knees. The water made me so weightless that she could carry me that way without difficulty. “How’s this?” she asked as she hugged me to her chest, letting me absorb some of her body heat. “Are you comfortable?”
I felt a little silly being carried that way, but I didn’t mind the physical closeness. “I’m okay,” I answered, wrapping one arm around her shoulders as she backed away from the edge and took me out into the middle of the pool.
“Can I try that next?” Mason asked, pointing to the lift.
“That’s up to your dad,” Dawn replied, looking at me.
“Sure,” I said with a shrug. “Why not?”
With the push of a button, Dawn brought the lift back up so that Mason could sit on it. He grinned, swinging his legs as the chair slowly lowered him into the pool. Soon, he was paddling around in the water like a little fish. Dawn waded in after him with a pair of noodles, which she placed underneath me so I could float without Natalie holding me.
With the sun beating down on me, I warmed up quickly. “God, I’ve missed this,” I said, letting out a sigh of contentment as I lay my head back in the water. I had almost forgotten how good it felt to float like that, so light and free.
But as I watched Dawn play in the water with Mason, I still would have given almost anything to have my old body back. I wished I could swim underwater like a shark and tickle his feet or stand with my feet planted firmly on the bottom and catch him as he jumped off the edge of the pool into the water. I settled for teaching him how to play Marco Polo instead. Soon, he was paddling around the pool with his eyes closed, calling “Marco!” as he searched for the rest of us.
“Polo!” Dawn, Natalie, and I replied as we tried to keep ourselves out of his reach, the two women taking turns towing me around the pool with them.
After an hour in the water, I began to feel chilled, which was my cue to get out before my body temperature dropped any lower. Working together, Natalie and Dawn put me back on the lift and raised me out of the pool, wrapping me in a towel once they’d transferred me back to my wheelchair. “Sorry,” I said through chattering teeth as Natalie rubbed my arms vigorously to warm them up. “I hope I didn’t ruin the fun. You can get back in the water if you want; I don’t mind sitting here and watching.”
“Oh, no, I was about ready to get out anyway,” she replied. “You’re still planning to take me out to dinner tonight, aren’t you?”
I smiled and nodded. “Of course. It’s our six-month anniversary. I wouldn’t wanna miss an opportunity to celebrate with you.”
“Then we’d better go inside and rinse off. I need time to get cleaned up and make myself pretty,” she said, smiling back.
“That won’t take you much time at all, considering you’re already beautiful,” I said, admiring the way her wet bikini bottom clung to her backside as she walked ahead of me to open the sliding glass door.
***
“I can’t believe it’s been six months since we met,” I told Natalie that night during our dinner date. “This year has flown by… but, at the same time, I feel like I’ve known you for a lot longer.”
“I know what you mean,” she said, nodding as she set her fork down. “I feel so close to you and so comfortable around you. It’s crazy to think we haven’t even been together a year yet.”
Yet. Such a small word, yet so full of hope and potential. It made me smile to hear her use it.
“So much has changed in the past year,” I said as I chased a piece of steak around my plate. “I mean, if someone had told me last October that I would be in a serious relationship, recording a new album with the Backstreet Boys, and living in L.A. again a year from then, I wouldn’t have believed them.” Finally managing to spear a bite of steak with my fork, I held it up in triumph. “But here I am.”
“Here we are,” Natalie echoed, smiling back as she raised her wine glass. “To us.”
“Here, here,” I said through a mouthful of steak. Once I swallowed, I picked up my own glass with both hands and added, “To six months together and many more to come. Happy anniversary, baby.”
“Happy anniversary!” She clinked her glass against mine, and we both took a sip. “Just think,” she said as she set her glass down on the table, “the holidays will be here before we know it!”
I nodded. “Will you have any of them off?”
Natalie shrugged. “I’m hoping to have Thanksgiving off, but I won’t know for sure until I get my November schedule in a few days. I usually work Christmas so the flight attendants who have families can spend it with them. I request time off for my birthday on December twenty-first instead, and my family celebrates Christmas a few days early. It works out well for everyone because then my sister can spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with her in-laws.”
“That sounds like a good solution.”
“You and Mason should come down to celebrate early Christmas with us,” she suggested. “Dawn would be welcome, too, of course – but if she wants time off to spend with her own family, you know I don’t mind helping with your care.”
“Thanks. That would be nice,” I replied, pushing thoughts of my bowel program out of my mind. I would worry about that part later. “I’d love to meet your family.”
“They’ve been wondering when they’ll get to meet you, too,” Natalie said with a sheepish smile. “And, that way, you could be back home in time to spend the actual holiday with your family.”
“If you do manage to get Thanksgiving or Christmas off, you’re more than welcome to spend it with us, too,” I told her.
Natalie nodded. “I’d like that.”
“So, what about Halloween?” I asked. “It’s on a Wednesday this year. Will you have that night off?”
She shook her head. “No, I’m working Halloween. I’ll be in… Amsterdam,” she said, taking her phone out of her purse to double check her schedule. “But I’m off the weekend before.”
“You should come to Lexington that weekend. We have an annual Halloween parade with a live ‘Thriller’ reenactment. I think the Boys are gonna be there, too; that’s the last day of our hometown roadtrip.”
Her eyes lit up. “That sounds fun! Do people dress up?”
“Yup.”
She raised her eyebrows. “Do you dress up?”
I nodded. “Sure do. We love Halloween in the Richardson house. I always dress up to take Mason trick-or-treating. It’s one of the rare times when being a wheelchair user actually has its benefits. We’ve come up with some pretty great costumes over the years,” I said, smiling. “When Mason was one, I went as Thomas the Tank Engine, and he was the engineer.”
“Aww! I bet that was adorable,” she said, smiling back.
“It was pretty cute,” I agreed. “By the time he was two, we had moved back to Kentucky, so we went with a farm theme. I was the farmer driving his tractor, Mason was a chicken, and Dawn was a cow.”
“Stop,” Natalie said, her eyes gleaming as she giggled. “I hope you have pictures of these costumes!”
“I do somewhere. Lemme see if I can find them.” I pulled out my phone and fumbled with it until I found a folder full of Halloween photos from previous years. “Here we go.” I held out my phone, turning it so she could see the photos, too. “When Mason was three, we went as Batman and the Batmobile. Dawn was the Joker. And, last year, we did a Jurassic Park theme. Mason was a paleontologist, I was Jeff Goldblum in the Jeep, and Dawn was the T-Rex.”
Natalie threw her head back and laughed as she looked at the last photo. “Poor Dawn. I’m glad she’s such a good sport.”
“Aw, she loves it,” I said, smiling as I studied the picture of the three of us from the previous Halloween. Mason looked adorable in his little khaki pants, blue chambray shirt, and Panama hat, while Dawn was hilariously awkward in her homemade T-rex mask and tail. “Who do you think helps us put these costumes together?” My all-black outfit had been simple enough to assemble, but the Jurassic Park Jeep that Dawn had created out of cardboard and styrofoam pieces to cover my power chair had taken a lot more time and ingenuity.
“She did an amazing job! I’m impressed,” said Natalie. “So, what are y’all gonna be this year?”
“Well, Mason wants to be Jango Fett – Boba Fett’s father from Star Wars Episode II,” I added when she gave me a blank look. “Told ya he’s been on a Star Wars kick lately.”
“I guess so! Who are you and Dawn going as?”
“Well, first I was gonna be Obi-Wan Kenobi in his spaceship, but we couldn’t figure out a good costume for Dawn that would also work with Jango Fett. So, now she’s gonna be Obi-Wan, and I’m gonna be R2-D2.” I grinned.
Natalie giggled. “Oh, that’s gonna be good if y’all can pull it off!”
“Dawn’s pretty creative when it comes to this kind of stuff,” I said. “That’s gonna be her big project while Mason’s in school and I’m road-trippin’ with the guys. But now we gotta figure out who you’re gonna be.”
“Not Padme,” Natalie said with a grimace.
“Why not? You’d be a perfect Padme! You already look a lot like Natalie Portman,” I said, admiring her long brown hair and kind brown eyes. “You’d be super hot in that all-white outfit she wears toward the end of the movie.”
A brief smile flickered across her face. “Well, thanks… but, no. After the whole debate y’all had over the Star Wars car decals, I’d feel awkward dressing up like Padme. I don’t want Mason to think I’m trying to replace his mom, ya know?”
I nodded, cringing as I recalled the conversation around the birthday gift Mason had given me. Days later, Dawn had applied three of the decals to the back of my truck: Darth Vader for me, Luke Skywalker for him, and C-3PO for her. She’d left room on both sides to add other characters, but the Padme decal remained in the package along with Slave Leia and all the rest. “Yeah… that’s probably a good call,” I replied.
“Besides,” Natalie added, the corners of her mouth curving upwards again, “I have an even better idea for a couples costume for the parade. It would be easy to include Mason and Dawn in it, too, if they want to do it with us.”
When she told me her idea, I laughed and shook my head. “I dunno, babe… That would be cute for us, and Dawn will go along with just about anything, but it may be a hard sell for Mason. Doesn’t hurt to ask, though. If you can get him to agree to it, I will, too.”
She grinned. “Well, I’ll just have to work my magic and find a way to convince him, then, won’t I?”
“Good luck,” I said with a chuckle. “This is one of those times when bribery wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”
She giggled.
When the waitress came to take away our plates, I wiped off my plate guard and utensils and put them back in my bag to wash later at home. Then I pulled out a small, black velvet jewelry box. I saw Natalie’s eyes widen when I pushed it across the table toward her. “I got you a little anniversary present,” I said, smiling at her.
“Well, aren’t you sweet?” She beamed back. “Want me to open it now?”
I nodded, watching as she carefully pried open the clamshell box. I couldn’t tell whether the expression that flickered across her face was relief or disappointment when she saw what was inside. Whichever it was, it was quickly replaced by another radiant smile. “Oh, Kevin!” she gasped, looking delighted as she lifted the necklace out of its box. “It’s beautiful!”
When I picked out the pale pink pendant, which was framed by a halo of tiny diamonds and hung on a delicate rose gold chain, I’d thought it was perfect for her – classy, feminine, and lovely, just like Natalie. But now, I couldn’t help wondering if she had worried it was going to be a ring… or if she had wanted it to be.
“It reminded me of your bedroom. Same colors,” I said. “So now, you can take a little piece of home with you wherever you go.”
“Aww, that’s so sweet! I absolutely love it.” She touched the light pink gemstone with her fingertips. “What is this, anyway? Some kind of cubic zirconia? It’s so pretty!”
“Morganite. The woman at the jewelry shop told me it symbolizes love and compassion. The diamonds around it are real – and conflict-free, of course.”
Natalie raised her eyebrows as she looked up and caught my eye. “I won’t ask you how much it cost… but you really shouldn’t have.”
“I wanted to,” I insisted. “Now that I’m working again, I can afford to get my girlfriend something nice. I would offer to put it on you, but…” Holding up my paralyzed hands, I gave her an apologetic shrug.
She giggled. “Aw, that’s all right. I can do it myself.” I watched as her nimble fingers worked the small clasp, unfastening it so she could drape the chain around her neck, then refastening it in the front. She twisted it around so that the clasp was behind her neck and the teardrop-shaped pendant hung just beneath the hollow between her collarbones. “Perfect,” she said, smiling as she glanced down at it. “Thank you, babe.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I got you something, too.” Retrieving her purse, Natalie opened it and pulled out a tiny gift bag, which she placed in front of me.
Gently, I shook out the tissue paper and unwrapped it to reveal a handsome bracelet, made from a thick band of black leather. Thinner strips of leather were braided around it, securing a black feather charm to the top of the bracelet.
“I noticed you aren’t wearing the necklace you lost on the plane anymore, the one that was made from your wedding rings,” Natalie said softly. “I wanted you to have a piece of jewelry to represent me. Not another necklace – because I’ll never be a replacement for Kristin – but something new and different.”
I smiled down at the small metal feather, picturing the black bird tattooed on Natalie’s back and remembering what she’d told me the first time I had noticed it:
“It’s a crow – for my last name, Crawford. It comes from the words ‘crow’ and ‘ford,’ meaning a river crossing. I thought it was pretty fitting, considering how often I fly across bodies of water for work.”
“It’s perfect.” I ran my fingers across the supple-looking leather, wishing I could feel its softness on my fingertips. “Now I can look at this and think of you whenever we’re apart.”
“Exactly!” She beamed. “And don’t worry – it’s vegan leather. I know you love animals just as much as I do.”
I nodded. “I do love animals… and I love this… and I love you,” I said, smiling back at her. “Will you put it on me?” I held out my right hand, and she wrapped it around my wrist, fastening the metal clasp at the bottom. “Thanks.”
After dinner, I drove us back to the new house, hoping it was ready for the surprise I had planned and asked Dawn to help me pull off.
“Did they already go to bed?” Natalie asked in a whisper as we entered the dark, quiet house. A single light had been left on in the kitchen.
“Must have,” I replied, letting her walk ahead of me down the hall toward the master suite. Passing by Mason’s closed bedroom door, I heard nothing, but when I paused outside Dawn’s room, I could hear soft, canned laughter coming from whatever sitcom she was watching on the combination TV/DVD player we’d picked up the previous day. Considering we didn’t have cable hooked up yet, I guessed it was probably The Golden Girls – I’d bought her the complete collection as a Christmas gift.
Natalie reached my room first. When she went inside, I heard her gasp. “Kevin! How did you…?”
I smiled as I followed her in and saw the scene I’d asked Dawn to set up for me while we were gone. A trail of pink rose petals lay on the floor, leading from the doorway to the brand new bed that had been delivered earlier that day. Dawn had made the bed, putting on the new bedding Natalie had helped me pick out. The foot of the gray comforter was also covered in rose petals. A bottle of champagne sat in a bowl of ice on the bedside table along with two glasses, one of which contained a thin straw. Every other surface contained scented candles that were already burning, filling the room with soft, flickering light and a sweet, floral smell. “I have my ways,” I answered mysteriously.
Natalie laughed. “You have Dawn.”
“I have Dawn,” I repeated with a nod.
“Well, she did a great job. This is so romantic.” Natalie followed the path to the bed and picked up one of the flower petals, fingering it gently as she perched on the edge of the mattress. “Shall I pop the champagne?”
“Please.” I paused, then asked, “Shall I pop one of my little blue pills?”
Natalie smiled and nodded. “Please.”
While she opened the champagne bottle, I went into the bathroom to take care of business. When I came back out, she had poured us each a glass of champagne.
“Happy anniversary, babe,” she said, clinking her glass against mine.
I hadn’t had champagne since New Year’s Eve. As the bubbles touched my tongue, it brought back a memory of Dawn and me sitting side by side on the couch, making a bitter toast as the clock turned to midnight. It hit me again how much had changed since then, how much happier I was than I had been at the start of the year. I hoped Natalie and I would be able to spend New Year’s Eve together, making wonderful new memories to take the place of the terrible ones in my mind.
Setting my glass down on the bedside table, I turned my chair toward her and rested my hand on her knee. “I thank God every day for bringing us together. You’ve made my life so much better than it was before.”
A smile spread across her face as her eyes searched mine, seeming to read the thoughts I’d left unsaid. “Same,” she replied as she followed suit, setting her glass down next to mine. “I love you.” She climbed onto my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around the back of my chair, and kissed me long and deep.
“I love you, too,” I murmured back, my lips moving against hers.
After making out in my chair for a while, we moved to the bed. “We’d better break this thing in and make sure it’s gonna work for us before the sleep trial period ends, don’t you think?” Natalie said as she helped me undress.
“Oh, absolutely,” I agreed.
That was just what we did. Afterwards, we lay naked beneath the covers, listening to the soft hum of the alternating pressure mattress pad Dawn had put on for me and the sound of our own heavy breathing.
“So, how do you like the bed?” I asked her.
“It’s very comfy,” she replied, stifling a yawn as she snuggled closer to me.
“Yeah, it is.” Wrapping my arm around her, I realized I felt more comfortable in her presence than I’d ever felt before, although I didn’t think that had anything to do with the new bed.
Something inside me had changed since Natalie’s last visit, when the stomach flu had ruined my birthday. For so long, I had worried that exposing her to the worst parts of my disability would push her away, but, if anything, the experience had just brought us closer together. I’d been afraid that she would be disgusted by me, but it seemed my fears were unfounded. She didn’t treat me any differently; in fact, the way she’d touched me and talked to me that weekend made me feel like the most attractive man in the world. If I could still turn her on, somehow, even after she’d cleaned up my messes and changed my Depends, then she was tougher than I’d ever given her credit for.
“What are you thinking about?” Natalie asked, reaching up to stroke the side of my face.
“Nothing,” I replied automatically, thinking, You don’t wanna know. But a little voice inside my head said, Maybe she does wanna know. Tell her. Trust her. I cleared my throat. “Actually, I was just thinking about what a nice day it’s been and how much I wish we could spend more weekends like this together without Mason and Dawn around – you know, just the two of us.”
“I would love that,” she said. “Nothing against Mason or Dawn because they’re both great, but it would definitely be nice to have more alone time.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before I went on with what I really meant to say. “Then, maybe, if you’re willing, you could watch Dawn do my bowel program in the morning. That’s the only thing that’s standing in the way of us being able to spend more than one night together without a caregiver.”
“Of course,” Natalie said. “I offered to learn how to help you with that, like, two months ago!”
“I know. And I wasn’t ready then… but I think I am now. If you are, I mean,” I added. “No pressure.”
“I’m willing to do just about anything to make things easier for you,” she said softly, running her hand across my chest. “I know it must be hard for you to have to rely on other people to help you with this sort of thing – I would probably hate it, too, if it were me. But I don’t want you to worry about how I’ll react. How many times do I have to tell you? Nothing about your disability is a dealbreaker for me.” Her voice grew firmer as she repeated what she’d said the last time we’d talked about this. “I’m here for you; I’m all in, and I’m not going anywhere. All right?”
“All right,” I whispered, relief setting in. Her hand remained on my chest, her head heavy on my shoulder, but I felt like a weight had been lifted off my body and my mind. Maybe I’d been overreacting, fearing the worst instead of hoping for the best. But Natalie had never given me any reason to doubt her.
A sudden knock on the bedroom door interrupted the silence. “Dad?” called a small voice.
I glanced down at Natalie, lying naked in my arms. “Did you lock the door?”
“Sure did!” she whispered back, looking up at me with a grin. “I learned my lesson the last time this happened.”
Sure enough, the doorknob jiggled but didn’t open. “Daddy?” Mason’s voice grew louder. “Are you awake?”
As my relief gave way to guilt, I sighed. “Babe, I hate to ask… but do you mind throwing something on and letting him in? It’s his first night in a new house; we can’t just leave him out there alone.”
“Of course not.” Natalie sat up and pushed back the covers. She hastily put on her pajamas and padded over to the door. “Hi, sweetheart,” I heard her say as she opened it. “Sorry – your dad and I were sound asleep. What’s up?”
“Why was the door locked?” Mason wondered as he walked into the room,
“Because I’m afraid of burglars,” Natalie lied smoothly, offering me a shrug behind his back.
“Burglars?” I saw Mason’s eyes widen.
“You don’t need to worry about burglars, buddy,” I quickly assured him, hitching the covers up higher as he came over to the bed. “We locked all the outside doors before we went to bed, and we have a security system, so no burglars are gonna break in. Natalie’s just being extra cautious.”
“I’m scared, too,” Mason said, sticking out his bottom lip. “I had a bad dream.”
“Aww, c’mere, Mase.” I opened my arms, inviting him to climb up onto the bed. “Gimme a hug.” He scrambled eagerly into my arms, cuddling up beside me in the space Natalie had occupied a minute earlier. It must have still been warm. “You wanna tell me about your dream?”
“There was a monster… and it was chasing me…” As I listened to him recount his nightmare, I looked up at Natalie with an apologetic expression. She just smiled, waiting patiently while he went on describing the dream.
“Wow,” I said when he was done. “That does sound really scary. But you know it wasn’t real, right? There are no monsters – or burglars – in your bedroom.” I felt bad because I couldn’t exactly get out of bed and walk him back to his room to prove it to him; I couldn’t crouch down on the floor to check under the bed or reach the top shelf of his closet to make sure there was no creature skulking there. He would just have to take me at my word and trust that what I told him was the truth.
“Can I sleep with you tonight?” he asked in a tiny voice.
I took a deep breath, torn between letting him stay and telling him no. On one hand, it was our first night in a new house; it seemed cruel to make a little kid go back to bed by himself when he was obviously nervous about sleeping alone. On the other hand, I didn’t want this to become a pattern, especially on the nights when Natalie was there.
Thankfully, she made my decision for me. “I don’t mind if he does,” she said before I could answer, looking at me with her brown eyes full of compassion.
“You sure?” I muttered out of the side of my mouth, raising my eyebrows at her.
She nodded. “I know how scary nightmares can be, especially in an unfamiliar place,” she said, giving Mason a sympathetic glance.
I flashed her a grateful smile before turning my attention back to Mason. “All right, buddy, you can sleep in here with us tonight. But only tonight. When we get back home tomorrow, you’re gonna sleep in your own bed again like a big boy. Got it?”
“Got it,” Mason agreed.
After making sure I was in a comfortable position for sleep, Natalie turned off the light and climbed back into bed, pulling the covers up neatly over the three of us. Mason was the first to fall asleep, snuggled up in the space between us. Eventually, Natalie followed. I lay awake for a long time, listening to my son’s steady breathing and my girlfriend’s soft snores and thinking about how blessed I was to have them both in my life.
For four years, it had just been me and Mason – and Dawn. As much as I loved the little family we’d formed, I’d always longed for the growing one I could have had with Kristin. Her loss had left not only a gaping hole in my heart, but a blank space in our family photos, a broken branch on our family tree. No one would ever be able to fix that branch or fill that hole, but as Natalie settled into my heart and my home, a new branch had begun to grow from the twig of our budding romance. Rather than mourning the future I might have had with Kristin, I found myself fantasizing about one with Natalie as my wife and Mason’s stepmother. I didn’t know if I would be able to give her a child of her own someday, but I had no doubt that she would make a great mom.
Yet, as the minutes ticked by, the doubts began to creep into my mind as they always did late at night, corrupting the fantasies. Six months into our relationship, it still seemed too early to discuss marriage and children with Natalie, but I also didn’t want to wait too long to have those conversations. Her failed engagement may have given her a fear of commitment, but if having babies in the future was important to her, I needed to make sure she understood that it would be much harder, if not impossible, for her to do so with me. Despite her claims that nothing about my disability was a dealbreaker, I knew that not being able to have children the natural way might be for many women. If Natalie was one of them, I deserved to know it just as much as she did.
Life was short. I had spent the last four years feeling sorry for myself, convinced that I would never fall in love again. Now that I had, I was finally ready to move on with the rest of my life. I didn’t want to waste any more time.
***