On Friday morning, I left cold, cloudy Kentucky and flew out to sunny L.A., where the temperature was in the mid-sixties – perfect for a fall day.
Natalie was in town, having traded the trip she was supposed to work that weekend for a Thanksgiving flight when she’d found out we were performing at Disneyland. “That means I’ll be working on Thanksgiving,” she’d told me when she’d made the decision, “but it’ll be worth it to spend the weekend together at Disney!”
“I didn’t realize you were such a Disney fan,” I’d replied with amusement. “But, of course, I’d love for you to be there.”
It had worked out well having her there. She met me at the airport, and we drove together down to Anaheim, where we would be staying for the weekend. The taping of our performance was scheduled for Sunday at eleven a.m., but we had two days of rehearsal leading up to it. The first rehearsal was on Friday night, after which we went to the airport in Anaheim to pick up Mason and Dawn, who had taken a later flight from Lexington. Even if it was technically a work trip, I would have felt weird coming to Disneyland without my son.
Brian had brought his family along as well, so we all woke up early on Saturday morning and went to a character breakfast at our resort, the Grand Californian. “Smile!” said Dawn, snapping a picture of Mason and me posing with Chip and Dale.
After breakfast, we headed into the park. It was my first time visiting a theme park as a wheelchair user, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. “Disney’s actually pretty accessible,” Dawn had assured me when we planned the trip. “We took Michael to Disney World in Florida once and had a great time. He was able to get on most of the rides – for some, we had to transfer him to a seat, but he was able to stay in his chair on others. And that was back in the nineties! It’s probably even better now.” Of course, I knew that, having worked at Walt Disney World in the nineties, but it was different now that I was the one in the chair.
“Where should we go first?” I asked as we made our way up Main Street U.S.A. “Adventureland or Tomorrowland?”
“Adventureland!” was Mason’s enthusiastic response.
The first ride we rode was the Jungle Cruise, which I could roll right onto. “You were right, Dawn,” I said as our boat drifted past growling tigers, snapping crocodiles, and hissing cobras. “This is great!”
“Told ya!” she replied with a smile.
Mason seemed to enjoy himself, too, pointing out each animal in the “jungle” as Natalie and I pretended not to see them. “There!” he kept calling as we purposely looked the opposite way from where he was pointing. “No, over there!”
“Oh, there it is!” I would say finally, feigning astonishment as Mason giggled. “Wow, it was right in front of me the whole time! I just couldn’t see it ‘cause of its camouflage. You’ve got great eyes, son!”
The first real challenge came when it was time to board Pirates of the Caribbean, which required me to transfer out of my wheelchair. “Are you sure about this?” I asked Dawn, looking doubtfully at the boat floating next to the loading dock. It was a long way down to the bench seat inside.
“We can do it,” she replied with a confidence I didn’t feel. “Brian, you go first and get his legs. I’ll lift his top half.”
At least we had Brian with us. He may have been a head shorter than me, but he was strong and agile. He stepped down into the boat and held my legs while Dawn hooked her arms under mine from behind and hoisted me out of my chair.
“Don’t drop me,” I said with a nervous laugh as they lowered me over the edge of the dock and into the boat. Thankfully, the gap between the two was far too narrow to fall through.
“We got you, cuz,” Brian promised. It took some maneuvering, especially with the bulky boot on my foot, but he managed to wrangle my spasming legs into place, planting my feet on the bottom of the boat without banging the broken one into anything.
Once Dawn sat down beside me, there was no room left for anyone else, so Natalie slid into the row in front of us with Mason, Leighanne, and Baylee. “Sorry,” I mouthed with a shrug when she glanced back over her shoulder at me. Her eyes narrowed as she lowered her gaze, pressing her lips into a thin line. Looking down, I noticed Dawn’s hand lingering on my left knee. I knew why it was there: there were no seatbelts on the ride, nothing to prevent me from sliding forward and banging my knees into the back of the seat in front of me. I tried to tell Natalie that, but my words were drowned out by the excited chatter of the crowds of people still waiting to board. She turned to face forward without hearing me as our boat floated away from the dock.
We drifted slowly through a peaceful bayou, serenaded by chirping crickets, croaking frogs, and strains of banjo music. It had been years since I’d last set foot inside a Disney park, but I had ridden this ride enough times when I lived in Orlando to remember what was coming as we approached the dark cave ahead. Hearing screams from the boats in front of us, I rested my hands on the back of Natalie’s seat, ready to brace myself for the first drop.
But I didn’t have to. The second we hit the waterfall, Dawn’s “mom arm” shot out to keep me from flying forward, catching me hard across the chest as she held me back against the seat. “Thanks,” I said breathlessly.
“No problem,” I heard her reply through the darkness.
The rest of the ride went the same way, with Dawn acting as a human seatbelt to help me stay upright on the bench. Although I tried to enjoy the experience, I felt relieved when it was over. A park employee was waiting at the edge of the dock with my wheelchair when our boat pulled up. With difficulty, Dawn and Brian managed to hoist me up out of the boat and put me back into my chair.
“I dunno if that was worth the trouble,” I told Dawn in a low voice as she bent down to fasten my footstraps.
“It was fine!” she insisted. “That’s what I’m here for. I want you to have fun!”
That wasn’t exactly “fun” for me, I thought, but I didn’t say it, not wanting to sound ungrateful. Judging by the annoyed look on Natalie’s face, I wasn’t the only one feeling that way.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her as I rolled toward the exit.
“Nothing,” she replied shortly as she walked beside me, staring straight ahead.
I didn’t believe her, but since she obviously didn’t want to talk about whatever was bothering her, I turned to Mason instead. “What’d you think of that one, Mase?”
“That was cool!” he exclaimed, his eyes gleaming.
Well, at least one of us was having fun.
We made our way through New Orleans Square to the Haunted Mansion, which had been decorated for the holidays with a Nightmare Before Christmas theme. Like the last ride, it also required me to leave my chair behind, but, thankfully, this one was a much easier transfer. The ride operators stopped the moving platform while Dawn helped me maneuver myself into one of the doom buggies with Natalie and Mason. It was a tight enough squeeze to prevent me from sliding around on the seat, and the lap bar that lowered across our legs gave me something to hold onto so I wouldn’t fall forward. I enjoyed riding next to Mason, seeing his reactions to everything. We had just watched The Nightmare Before Christmas on TV earlier that week, so the timing couldn’t have been more perfect. Even Natalie seemed to be in a better mood by the end of the ride.
“You havin’ a good time, babe?” I asked her as we crossed the bridge into Critter County.
“Sure.” She flashed a brief smile as she glanced over at me. “How ‘bout you? You holdin’ up okay?”
“My arms are already getting tired,” I admitted, struggling to propel myself forward as the footpath went uphill. “I probably should have brought my power chair instead.”
“Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Kevin!” Dawn called back over her shoulder as she walked ahead of us, hand-in-hand with Mason.
“Yeah, yeah… you were right, Dawn. Go ahead and rub it in,” I replied grudgingly, recalling the debate we’d had over which wheelchair to bring while she’d helped me pack for the trip. While Dawn had wisely pointed out that my power chair was better suited for navigating a theme park, I preferred my manual chair. Not only was it lightweight and easier to travel with than the bulky power chair, but I liked the way I looked better in it – and I wanted to look my best for our performance. Now I was paying the price for putting my own vanity ahead of practicality.
Natalie’s eyes narrowed, shooting invisible daggers at Dawn’s back before they shifted to me, her expression softening into one of sympathy. “You want a push?” she asked, and, for once, I took her up on her offer.
“Yeah, that’d be great, babe. Thanks.” As much as I hated it when she coddled me, I knew it would kill my shoulders to keep pushing myself around the entire park.
“Who’s up for Splash Mountain?!” Leighanne sang out as Brian and Baylee led us to the back of the line.
I looked up at the famous log flume ride long enough to watch one of the log canoes plummet down the long drop into the briar patch below, sending water splashing everywhere. I had always enjoyed Splash Mountain, but when I thought about how difficult it would be for me to transfer in and out one of those low boats and how cold I would feel if my clothes got wet, I decided it wasn’t worth the hassle. “I think I’d better sit this one out,” I said, “but y’all go ahead.”
“What?!” Brian turned around and gave me an incredulous look. “C’mon, Kev, you can’t skip Splash Mountain! Dawn and I will help you with the transfers, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
I shook my head. “It’s not just that. I don’t wanna get wet.”
“Dude, it’s seventy degrees outside, and you’re wearing a sweatshirt. You’ll be fine!”
“It’s seventy degrees outside, and I’m wearing a sweatshirt,” I repeated, giving him a pointed look. “You know how easily I get cold, even when I’m not wet. Besides, sitting around in damp clothes can cause skin breakdown. That’s not a risk I’m willing to take.”
Brian looked disappointed, but he didn’t press me any further. “Well, what about the rest of y’all?” he asked, looking around until his eyes landed on Mason. “You wanna ride with us, right, bud?”
Mason nodded eagerly. “Can I, Dad?”
“Of course,” I replied quickly. “You can all go. I’ll wait right here and watch for you to come down.”
“I’ll stay with you,” Natalie offered, smiling at me. “I don’t really wanna get my clothes wet either.” She was wearing an Ariel t-shirt with a pair of purple jeans. It was a cute outfit, but nothing fancy, so I saw right through her excuse.
“You don’t have to do that. I’m a cripple, not a kid. I don’t need a babysitter.”
“I know,” she insisted, her smile faltering. “But you’ll keep me company, won’t you? We could get something to drink while they wait in line.”
I sighed. “Yeah, I guess… if you’re sure you really don’t wanna ride.”
“I’m sure. C’mon, let’s go check out the fruit stand,” she said, steering me away from the rest of the group. She bought us both a bottle of juice and found a place to park my chair where we could watch the logs slide down Splash Mountain without getting wet ourselves.
I looked around for a bench so she could sit down, too, but I didn’t see any tucked between the empty strollers and mobility scooters that were also parked there. Putting my bottle in my cup holder, I patted my thigh. “Here, babe, have a seat.”
Natalie hesitated. “I dunno if I should sit in your lap in public. People might stare.”
“So? They stare anyway. Might as well give ‘em something to stare at,” I replied with a shrug.
“Good point,” she said, smiling as she perched on my knees. She took a long swallow of her juice, then put the cap on the bottle and leaned back against my chest. “It’s nice to have some time to ourselves, isn’t it?”
I took a few seconds to answer, considering her seemingly casual comment in the context of the dirty looks I’d seen her giving Dawn. “Is that what’s been bothering you?” I asked her. “That we haven’t had enough ‘alone time’ today? Well, sorry to break it to you, but this is technically a work trip, not a date.”
“I know that,” she said defensively, turning her head toward me. “But it’s not just today. We’re almost never alone together.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Really? There wasn’t someone else hiding in our hotel room last night, was there?” I replied, playing dumb.
Natalie made an impatient noise. “No, of course not. But you know what I mean, right?”
I was pretty sure I knew exactly what she meant, and it was starting to piss me off. “If you’re talking about Dawn and Mason being with us, I don’t know what to tell you. Do you really think I would take a trip to Disneyland without the rest of my family?”
Sliding off my lap, Natalie stood and whipped around to face me. “I told you, I’m not just talking about this weekend!” she snapped back, her voice rising. “It’s all the time! We don’t go anywhere without Dawn and Mason.”
I blinked at her in disbelief. “I’m sorry – did you not realize you were dating a single dad with a pretty severe disability? What did you expect? That I would just be able to drop everything and fly anywhere in the world with you whenever I wanted to?”
Natalie sighed. “You don’t have to be so sarcastic,” she said, folding her arms over her chest. “Obviously, I understand that your disability makes it harder for you to travel, but you’re the one who told me you wanted to spend more weekends alone together, just the two of us. I thought that was the whole reason you had Dawn teach me the rest of your routine, so we wouldn’t have to rely on her as much. And I happily learned how to help with your bowel program and everything because I want that for us, too! But it hasn’t happened yet.”
“Jesus, Natalie, it’s only been three weeks! I flew to Florida right after that to film for the documentary, remember? Then it was Halloween, and you were working, and now we’re here. When would we have had time to go away together?”
“I dunno,” she mumbled, looking down on the ground. “I guess I just thought that since I gave up Thanksgiving to get this weekend off, you might make me more of a priority. Instead, I feel like a fourth wheel that’s just along for the ride.”
“So it is about today,” I said flatly. “I didn’t ask you to give up Thanksgiving. That was your decision. And, look, I’m sorry if you feel left out or like I should be paying more attention to you, but today’s not about you, Natalie. I love you, but it’s not. This is Mason’s first trip to Disneyland – Dawn’s, too, for that matter – and my first time being here since I got hurt, so my main priority is to make sure we all have fun. And if you’re not having fun in the Happiest Place on Earth, that’s your own damn fault for having a piss-poor attitude.”
Natalie snorted. “You sound like my dad,” she muttered, shaking her head. “Stop scolding me like I’m your child.”
“Now you know how I feel,” I retorted, raising my eyebrows at her.
“What’s that supposed to mean?!” she cried, her voice rising again. “Oh, that’s right – if I try to help you or push your chair or offer to stay with you while the others go on rides, I’m treating you like a baby… but if Dawn does it, it’s fine.”
And there it was. In so many words, she had finally admitted what I’d suspected all morning. It had nothing to do with Mason or Brian and his family being with us that weekend. It was all about Dawn.
“If you haven’t figured out the difference between coddling and caregiving yet, then you have a lot left to learn,” I said coldly. “And, look, if you don’t wanna be treated like a little kid, stop acting like one. Jealousy isn’t a good look, and I saw it all over your face on Pirates of the Caribbean.”
Natalie didn’t deny it. “Well, forgive me for wanting to sit next to my boyfriend! And for not wanting to look back and see another woman’s hands all over him!”
“Would you rather have watched me bust my kneecaps by slamming them into the back of your seat? Or fly face-first into it and break my nose instead? Because that’s probably what would have happened if Dawn hadn’t been holding onto me during those drops,” I replied matter-of-factly. “Believe me, I hate having the body of a damn crash-test dummy, but I can’t help it. I have no core strength, no control over my legs; I can’t brace myself or stay balanced on my own. Without a seatbelt, I would have fallen right out of my chair just trying to make it up that hill. I thought you knew that by now.”
“Of course, I know that, Kevin! I’m not a complete idiot!” Natalie cried, her voice cracking. I could tell she was on the verge of tears. “You could have let me help you transfer, though.”
I shook my head. “It was a difficult transfer. I’m sorry, but you’re not as strong as Dawn or Brian, and you don’t have as much experience. I didn’t wanna get dropped and end up in the ER again.”
Natalie’s eyes welled up as her bottom lip trembled. All of a sudden, she burst into tears. “I can’t believe you would throw that in my face right now! Look, I still feel terrible about the fact that you got hurt that night, but I did not drop you! I just let go too soon, and you fell off the bed. It was literally my first time transferring you, and I had no idea what I was doing… but I do now!”
I immediately felt bad for bringing up our disastrous second date, the one that had ended in the emergency room after I’d cracked my head open in her hotel room. “I’m sorry,” I said. “You’re right. It wasn’t your fault. But, see, that’s exactly why Dawn had her hands on me. There’s no reason for you to be jealous.”
Natalie shook her head. “You don’t even care that it bothers me, do you?” She let out a loud sniffle, looking pitiful with tears pouring down her cheeks. Before I could answer her question, she choked out, “Never mind… I need to use the bathroom. I know you won’t mind waiting here alone. I mean, you’re a cripple, not a kid, right? You don’t need a babysitter.”
Throwing my own words back in my face, she pushed past me and stalked up the path at such a brisk pace that she must have known I would never be able to catch up to her. I didn’t even try. I let her make her dramatic exit while I stayed put, staring at Splash Mountain and wishing I hadn’t asked what was bothering her.
I wasn’t alone for long. A few seconds later, I heard a low hum and felt a warm hand on my shoulder. “Excuse me, sir?” A large, middle-aged woman on a mobility scooter pulled up next to my wheelchair, her hand lingering on my arm. “Pardon me for intruding, but I couldn’t help but overhear the horrible, ableist things that girl was saying to you before she went off and left you like that. I just wanted to make sure you were all right before I gave her a piece of my mind.”
I felt my face redden as I realized what she must have assumed about Natalie and me. “Thanks, but I’m fine,” I replied quickly. “My girlfriend and I got into an argument – that’s all. She wasn’t being ‘ableist’; she was just repeating something I said to her earlier. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d better go make sure she’s all right.”
I turned my chair away from her and wheeled myself in the direction Natalie had gone, dodging people and strollers as I tried to put as much distance between me and the woman on the scooter as possible. By the time I reached the other side of Splash Mountain, I was breathing hard, and my shoulders were burning. There was no sign of Natalie nor the bathrooms, so I found the ride exit, figuring I would wait for everyone else there. I took out my phone in case she tried to call me, but it remained silent.
Over the noise of the crowd, I could hear a jaunty, instrumental version of “Zip-Ah-Dee-Doo-Dah” playing through a speaker hidden somewhere in the planter I was parked next to. “Zip-ah-dee-doo-dah, zip-ah-dee-ay! My, oh, my, what a wonderful day!” As my brain filled in the familiar lyrics, I shook my head in disbelief at the irony of Natalie and I having a fight in the middle of Disneyland, of all places. It seemed almost surreal. We never argued like that.
“Sir?” A park employee approached me, offering a polite smile. “Are you looking for the accessible entrance?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Just waiting for my family to get off the ride. Thanks anyway.”
“No problem! Have a magical day!”
As the smiling woman walked away, I chuckled humorlessly to myself. I realized I must have looked pretty pathetic, sitting there alone in my wheelchair, but if one more person asked me if I needed help, I was probably going to snap.
Thankfully, only a few more minutes passed before Mason came running toward me. His face was shining, and his shirt was soaked. “Did you see us go down, Dad?!” he shouted. “We got wet!”
“I can see that, son,” I said, managing a smile.
Dawn walked over with Leighanne, Baylee, and Brian, who looked even more drenched than Mason did. “Husband just had to be in front,” Leighanne said, rolling her eyes. “We put Baylee and Mason in the middle seats, and Dawn and I sat in the back.” Indeed, the two women were noticeably dryer than the other three.
“Hope you’re not too cold, cuz,” I joked, watching Brian wring out his hat.
“No way!” he replied with a grin as he pulled the beanie back down over his thinning hair.
While he and Leighanne took both boys over to the photo studio to wait for their ride photo, Dawn looked around. “Where’s Natalie?”
“She went to the bathroom.” I paused before adding, “We had a fight.”
“What?!” Dawn looked shocked. “You two never fight! What happened?”
I shook my head. “Don’t ask. It was dumb.”
Dawn frowned. “She didn’t seem like her usual bubbly self earlier, but I just figured she was seasick from the boat rides. Something else must have been bothering her, huh?”
I nodded and left it at that. Dawn didn’t know that Natalie and I had argued about her once before, and I wasn’t going to tell her now. It would only hurt her feelings and affect her friendship with Natalie. I didn’t want to find myself in the middle of a feud between the two women, forced to pick a side. I was in love with Natalie… but Dawn was like family to me. How could I choose between them?
Brian and his family came back over to us, carrying two copies of their photo from Splash Mountain. “Here, Dawn,” he said, handing her one. “Thought you might like to have this.”
“Thanks!” She looked at the photo and laughed, then held it out for me to see. I smiled as I studied the expression on each person’s face. Brian was making a funny face in the front row, his eyes bulging out of his head, his lips pulled back into a horsey grin that showed his teeth and gums. Behind him, Baylee and Mason wore nearly identical looks of exhilaration mixed with fear, their eyes and mouths wide open. Dawn’s eyes were squeezed shut, her shoulders hunched as she braced herself for the big splash. In the back, Leighanne was doing her usual duckface for the camera, flashing a peace sign with each hand.
“That’s great,” I said, forcing a laugh as I felt a stab of regret. I was glad I didn’t get wet, but a part of me wished I had just gone on the ride with them.
“Hey, where’d Natalie go?” asked Brian as he realized for the first time that she wasn’t with me.
“Bathroom,” I replied. “But I don’t know which one she went to.”
“I’m guessing the women’s,” he said with a grin. I ignored him, not in the mood for jokes.
Dawn checked the map inside the guide for guests with disabilities that she’d picked up at the front gate. “Looks like the nearest bathrooms are at the Hungry Bear Restaurant.”
We went there to wait for Natalie. I thought we might have missed her, but after a minute or two, she emerged from the wooden building.
“Natalie! Over here!” Brian called, waving to her.
Natalie looked up, then walked over to us. “How was the ride?” she asked in a high-pitched voice that was infused with false cheerfulness, arranging her blotchy face into a smile that didn’t quite reach her red-rimmed eyes.
“It was fun.” Leighanne frowned as she took a closer look at Natalie. “Are you all right, honey?”
Natalie shook her head, her smile quickly fading. “I’m not feeling well. I think I’d better go back to the hotel room and lie down for a while.”
“Oh no! Well, do you want someone to walk with you?” Leighanne looked at me first, then quickly shifted her eyes to her husband. “Brian will walk you back.”
“Oh, no, that’s okay,” Natalie replied hastily. “I’ll be fine. Y’all stay here and have fun. I’ll see ya later.”
As she hurried away, Leighanne gave me a suspicious look. “What was that about? Did something happen while we were on the ride?”
I shrugged. “I dunno. She said she felt seasick from the water rides earlier, so that must have been it,” I lied, using the excuse Dawn had given me. I wasn’t about to tell Leighanne the truth. It was none of her business.
“Huh… never heard of a flight attendant getting seasick. You’d think she’d be used to turbulence.”
Not this kind of turbulence, I thought. I could tell Leighanne didn’t believe me, but I didn’t care. Thinking back to my fight with Natalie made me feel like throwing up, too.
As we waited in line for the Winnie the Pooh ride, I kept reliving it, my mind replaying each word she’d said like a broken record:
“We don’t go anywhere without Dawn and Mason.”
“Oh, that’s right – if I try to help you or push your chair or offer to stay with you while the others go on rides, I’m treating you like a baby… but if Dawn does it, it’s fine.”
“Well, forgive me for wanting to sit next to my boyfriend! And for not wanting to look back and see another woman’s hands all over him!”
The more I thought about our argument, the angrier it made me. Natalie had made it sound like Dawn and I were doing something wrong, turning normal interactions into something suspicious.
Of course, I wasn’t completely innocent; I had said some things, too. Mentioning my fall in her hotel room was a low blow. I regretted bringing that up, knowing how bad she’d felt about it. In hindsight, I wished I had never called her out on the comment she’d made about us having time to ourselves. Then we wouldn’t have fought at all.
She wouldn’t have had a problem with The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh; it was one of the few rides I could roll right onto without having to transfer. One of the cars, which were shaped like honey pots, was wheelchair-accessible. I should have enjoyed the ride, but I hardly remembered it, too distracted by my racing thoughts to really take it in.
The rest of the day went about the same way. As much as I tried to be present and put on a happy face for my son’s sake, my mind kept wandering back to Natalie. I wish you were here, I texted her while we waited in line for the Dumbo ride. Can we talk later?
Yes, was all she texted back.
By the time we got back to the hotel, I felt completely drained. My arms were sore from pushing myself around the park and transferring to and from rides, and I had a pounding headache. I just wanted to stretch out on the bed and rest for a few minutes before we went to dinner, followed by another late-night rehearsal, but I knew I’d have to deal with Natalie first.
“Good luck,” Dawn said in a low voice as she held my key card in front of the sensor on the door. It unlocked with a click. “Call if you need anything,” she added, holding the door open for me as I rolled past her into the room.
“Thanks,” I replied as she turned to take Mason to the room next door. She had tried to book a two-bedroom suite where we all could stay together, but, of course, there were no accessible suites available. Secretly, I was relieved; I didn’t want either of them to overhear another argument.
But when I wheeled myself through the entryway into the wide part of the room, I found an apologetic Natalie waiting for me. “Hey,” she said softly, offering me a sheepish smile as she sat up in bed. She had changed out of her park outfit and put on a pair of black sweatpants with a baggy Falcons t-shirt.
“Hey,” I replied flatly. I felt my lips tighten, not quite forming a smile in return.
Natalie sighed as she turned to face me, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. “Look, I’m sorry about earlier,” she said, shutting off the TV with a click of the remote. “I overreacted. I realize that now. Sorry for ruining your day.”
“You didn’t ruin my day,” I lied. “If anything, you ruined your own day. Why did you make such a big deal about Dawn sitting next to me on a damn ride?”
“I dunno,” she said with a shrug, picking at an invisible piece of lint on the duvet. “It wasn’t just the ride, but I guess that’s what brought all my old insecurities and fears back to the surface.”
“What fears?” I asked, frowning. “That you’re gonna get cheated on again?”
“That… and that I’m not good enough for you,” she admitted, her voice so quiet that I had to lean forward to hear her. “That I’ll never be good enough for you.”
“That’s what you’re afraid of?” I raised my eyebrows, wanting to laugh at how ridiculous her statement sounded. How could Natalie really think she wasn’t good enough for me? She was everything I wanted in a woman: sweet, beautiful, and adventurous, kind to kids and animals, a football fan, and a world-traveler with down-home, Southern roots. “That’s funny,” I said, “because when we first started dating, I was worried I wouldn’t be good enough for you.”
“Why on earth would you think that?” Natalie asked, knitting her brow.
“Because you were this gorgeous, glamorous flight attendant… and I was a guy in a wheelchair.”
“A guy in a wheelchair who looks like Tom Cruise, Christian Bale, and James Bond all rolled into one… and also happens to be a Backstreet Boy,” she replied, smirking. “You had nothing to worry about, babe.”
I smiled back, feeling a rush of warmth to my face. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” Natalie paused, then added, “I’m honestly surprised you haven’t had more women throwing themselves at your feet this whole time.”
“Yeah, well, I haven’t exactly put myself out there to meet many,” I said with a shrug. “Up until this past year, I pretty much kept to myself. It was just me and Mason.”
“And Dawn.”
I nodded. “And Dawn. But you already know there’s never been any sort of romantic relationship between us, right? I don’t really need to reassure you of that again, do I?” I gave her a long, hard look.
Natalie sighed. “No… I know. I guess sometimes I just get jealous of the relationship you do have with Dawn. I mean, I watch the way you two interact. She makes everything she does for you look so effortless. But when I’m the one fumbling through your transfers and routines, it feels awkward, like I don’t know what I’m doing,” Natalie said in a small voice. “No wonder you wanted her to help you today.”
A groan of exasperation escaped my throat. “I wanted her to help me today because she’s physically bigger and stronger than you – not because I like her better. It was a hard transfer, and I knew she could handle it. That’s all.”
“And you didn’t want me to drop you,” Natalie added flatly.
I felt my face flush again. “I’m sorry for bringing that up, but if I’m being honest… yeah. I didn’t want either one of us to get hurt – or embarrassed. I’m not saying you’re not strong,” I went on quickly, not wanting to make her feel any worse. “I know you work out, and you have to lift heavy stuff for your job, and you were a base in cheerleading… but I’m not a piece of luggage, and I’m definitely not a cheerleader.” I flashed her a crooked smile. “No matter how fit you are, I’ve got fifty pounds on you, and most of it is floppy dead weight. I wouldn’t expect you to be able to hoist me up and down the way Dawn does – and even if you could, I wouldn’t want you to. You’re my girlfriend, not my caregiver.”
Leaning forward, Natalie rested her hands on my knees and looked me right in the eye, her expression earnest. “Why can’t I be both?”
I answered her honestly: “Because I don’t want you to be.” With a sigh, I shook my head and looked away. “We’ve been through this before, Natalie. It’s one thing for you to fill in for Dawn now and then when we spend the night together, but if you’re talking about completely taking over for her and becoming my sole, full-time caregiver, that’s out of the question. It’s too much.”
“It’s not too much for Dawn,” she argued.
I chuckled. “That’s because Dawn gets paid.”
“And you’d rather pay her to help with your care than trust me to do it for free?”
“Honestly? Yes.” Seeing the wounded look that flickered through her eyes, I went on, “It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just that I’ve seen the effects of caregiver burnout, and I don’t want it to happen to you.” I thought of Nick, who had turned to drugs and alcohol to cope with the emotional toll of taking care of me after the accident, eventually landing himself in the hospital. I didn’t blame myself for his heart condition, knowing that Nick had started abusing his body long before I got hurt, but I couldn’t help feeling that my injury had been a contributing factor. “You know, Dawn could always quit if she didn’t wanna work for me anymore, but that’s a much harder conversation to have with a friend or romantic partner. I’m afraid you would start to resent me… and that my disability would be the reason we broke up.”
Natalie reached out and rested her hand on top of mine. “I would never resent you for that,” she replied softly, rubbing the base of my thumb with the tip of hers. It was the only part of my hand that had sensation, so I could just barely feel her feather-light touch. It sent tingles up my arm and down my spine.
“You say that now, but you don’t know how you’ll feel a few months from now, let alone a few years. This is all still fairly new for you, but what happens when it gets old? I don’t wanna be a burden.”
“You’re not!” she insisted, lacing her fingers through mine. “You could never be.”
“Never say never,” I replied, shaking my head. As much as I appreciated her unwavering optimism, it came with a side of naivety that made me realize just how young she really was. “Hypothetically, what if Dawn did decide to leave, and I needed a new caregiver? Would you quit your job to move in with me? Because I don’t see how you could still be a flight attendant while taking care of me full time.”
Natalie didn’t answer at first.
“And, keep in mind, you wouldn’t be able to just walk away and leave me whenever we had a fight like you did today,” I went on while she sat there in silence. “I would still need you to help me into bed at night and wipe my ass the next morning, even when you were mad at me. And what if we did break up? Then you’d be out of a job and a place to live, and I’d have to look for yet another caregiver. Not to mention how awkward it would be for both of us in the meantime.”
“All right, you’ve made your point,” she finally responded, frowning at me. “I don’t wanna replace Dawn. I’ve worked hard to get where I am in my career, and I wouldn’t give that up unless… unless there was no other option. I just wish I didn’t feel like a fourth wheel whenever I’m with y’all.”
“But, without a fourth wheel, I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere,” I pointed out, patting the push rims on my two big wheels. “This is you and me, baby. You’re my partner. You keep me balanced. And if I didn’t make you feel important today, I apologize – because you are important to me.”
I watched as the corners of her mouth twitched, slowly transforming her frown into a sheepish smile. “It’s all right. I was probably being too sensitive,” she said with a shrug. “Not to make excuses, but I started my period this afternoon, so my hormones are all out of whack. PMS makes me pretty moody. I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t feel well.”
“Aw… I’m sorry, babe. Can I get you anything? Tampons? Painkillers? Chocolate?” I offered, remembering how Kristin had liked to be pampered during that time of the month. I wanted to take care of my girlfriend for once, instead of the other way around.
Natalie shook her head, a smile still tugging at her lips. “Thanks, but I’m okay. I came prepared.”
“Maybe a nice hot shower and a massage after my rehearsal, then,” I suggested, returning her smile. “I mean, I’m assuming we won’t be having sex tonight.”
Natalie laughed. “No… but we can still do this.” Sliding forward into my lap, she wrapped her arms and legs around me and pressed her lips against mine. As I kissed her back, I knew that all was forgiven.
***
The next day dawned sunny and unseasonably warm, with the temperature expected to reach a high of ninety degrees by that afternoon. The fake snow frosting the turrets of Sleeping Beauty’s castle looked out of place, as did the festive outfits the Boys and I donned as we took the stage in front of it.
“I hope we can record this in one take,” I muttered to Brian as we waited for our cue. “I’m gonna roast in this jacket.” My burgundy velvet dinner jacket certainly looked dapper, but I could already feel beads of sweat dripping down the back of my neck. The collar of the crisp, white button-down I wore underneath felt like it was choking me. I couldn’t wait to ask one of the guys to unbutton it and take off my bow tie when we got backstage.
Brian chuckled. “I know what you mean,” he replied, pushing up the sleeves of his plaid sportcoat. “I’ll try not to mess it up.”
“You got this, cuz,” I told him with a confidence I didn’t feel. Poor Brian. His vocals had sounded just as rough at our rehearsals as they had when we’d recorded the song. I only hoped the harmony we had added to his solo part would help to hide the hoarseness in his voice.
“Thanks, Kev.” He cleared his throat, looking around nervously.
I followed his gaze to the large crowd that had gathered in front of the stage to watch our performance. Despite the heat, plenty of people were wearing Santa hats, reindeer antlers, and red and green Mickey ears.
I found our families standing in the front row off to one side of the stage. AJ’s wife was hard to miss. “I look like a lump of coal,” I’d heard her complain to Nick’s girlfriend, Lauren, during breakfast that morning as she rubbed her round belly through the flowy fabric of her black maternity top. “Why did I think it would be a good idea to do Disney while I’m nine months pregnant?”
Standing next to Rochelle and Lauren, Natalie looked radiant in her little red dress, which matched the polka dot bow on her Minnie Mouse headband. I was glad to see her smiling again. Dawn and Mason were on her other side with Leighanne and Baylee. Mason waved when he saw me looking his way. I raised my hand in return, tipping my head toward him. In spite of my physical discomfort, I felt blessed to be on that stage, ready to perform in front of my son and so many other people.
A chorus of cheers rose up from the crowd when the band behind us began to play our brand new Christmas song. It didn’t seem to matter that no one else had heard it before; people raised their hands over their heads and clapped along to the beat as Nick sang the first verse.
“Frost grows outside the window. First kiss under the mistletoe… oh-ohh… oh-ohh…” His voice sounded clear as a bell, his tone as rich and pure as the maple syrup I’d drizzled over my Mickey pancakes that morning. “Bells chime inside the steeple. Open the door, hear the people sing. Oh-ohh… oh-ohh… Get it, Kev!” he called. “C’mon!”
Straightening my posture, I sucked in a deep breath as I pushed myself forward to sing the pre-chorus. “And when the snow is falling down, down, down…” I heard the others join me in harmony as I raised my hand high over my head to represent the gently falling snow. “You know that Santa’s back in town, town, town!” Catching my son’s eye, I smiled as I sang, “That’s when it’s Christmas time again.”
“La ta, la ta-da-da-ta! La ta, la ta-da-da. It’s Christmas time again!” we chorused as the crowd bobbed up and down, waving their arms back and forth. “La ta, la ta-da-da-ta! La ta, la ta-da-da. It’s Christmas time again!” Looking over at Nick and Howie, I saw huge smiles on both of their faces. They were clearly loving the enthusiastic response to the song they’d written together. And rightfully so – it was catchy enough to become a holiday classic that would be played along with Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” on radio stations and in department stores across the country for years to come.
“I’ve been checking my list twice…” Brian’s voice wavered as he began the second verse, bending down to put his head close to mine while I sang the harmony. “Got plans to give you this gift tonight. Oh-ohh… oh-ohh…” His vocals seemed to grow stronger and steadier as he went on.
“Wake up under a lit tree…” Nick and AJ took over, their voices blending seamlessly as they stood back to back, their heads together. “One wish that came true: you’re here with me. Oh-ohh… oh-ohh…”
“Ye-eah-ah-ah!” AJ’s adlibs lead into the next pre-chorus. “And when the snow is falling down, down, down…” I harmonized with him as the others added some high “Oohs” over the top of us. “You know that Santa’s back in town, town, town! That’s when it’s Christmas time again…”
My eyes drifted back to my family during the second chorus. Mason and Baylee were bouncing up and down behind the barricade that had been set up in front of the stage. Natalie and Leighanne were dancing and singing along. Even Dawn, who claimed to hate pop Christmas music, was smiling and bobbing her head along to the beat.
“C’mon, Howie!” Nick called as Howie moved to the front of the stage to sing the final pre-chorus.
“And when the snow is falling down, down, down…” The others gathered around my chair, leaning down to my level as we added our harmonies. “You’ll know that Santa’s back in town, town, town!” Howie’s smooth voice rang out like an angel’s as it rose and fell, perfectly on pitch. “That’s when it’s Christmas time again…”
Pyrotechnics exploded behind us as we launched into the last chorus. “I gave you, I gave you my heart!” Nick belted as the rest of us sang the “la-tas.” “I’ve been bad… I’ve been good… and you know that I do what I should…”
“It’s Christmas time again!” we finished together while fireworks went off, high over our heads.
I thought we’d nailed the number, but, of course, the producer wanted us to perform it two more times just to make sure the cameras captured enough good shots to put together for the TV special.
By the end of the third take, I wished the snow was falling down, down, down – real snow, not the fake stuff on the roof of the castle. My face was covered with sweat, but I couldn’t stop smiling. “You guys sounded incredible!” Natalie gushed backstage as she helped me out of my velvet jacket. She loosened my bow tie and unbuttoned the top few buttons of my shirt, pressing a cold bottle of water to the back of my neck to help me cool down.
“Thanks, baby.” I leaned forward, savoring the sensation of the cool water on my flushed, warm skin.
While Natalie busied herself with making sure I didn’t die of heat stroke, Dawn stood back out of the way, letting her fuss over me without interfering. I hadn’t told her what had triggered my fight with Natalie the day before, but maybe she had figured it out for herself. In any event, our last day at Disneyland was happier and more harmonious than the previous day had been.
It was hard to say goodbye to Natalie when the weekend came to an end. Back to reality, I thought with a sigh as I was wheeled onto the plane that would take us home to Kentucky. Mason had school the next day, and I had physical therapy. But there was a lot to look forward to in the next couple of months with the holidays coming and new career opportunities on the horizon. I couldn’t wait to get back in the studio with the guys and finish our album.
But, in the meantime, I was ready to spend some time at home with my family, resting and enjoying all the holiday season had to offer. For once, I wouldn’t have to fake my Christmas cheer for Mason’s sake. The holidays had been hard ever since I’d lost Kristin, but now that I had Natalie in my life, I didn’t dread them as much as I had the last four years. The thought of celebrating our first Christmas together and finally meeting her family made me feel happy and hopeful.
As the plane rose into the sky, I leaned my head back against my seat and closed my eyes, imagining the two of us kissing underneath the mistletoe and cuddling beneath a thick, cozy blanket as snow fell outside our window.
Wake up under a lit tree… Hours after our performance, Howie and Nick’s lyrics were still stuck in my head. One wish that came true: you’re here with me. Oh-ohh… oh-ohh…
***